The Bachelor Season 16, Week 5 – Puerto Rican Romp

One Sentence Summary:  Next stop on the love boat is Vieques, Puerto Rico where Courtney continues to rub everyone (but Ben) the wrong way.

Stop saying I don't have lips! I do too have lips! See!

Our Thoughts:

Rachel: Oh it’s another jaunt off to some tropical island to find love.  This time it will be bikinis, and helicopters, and yachts (oh my!) in Vieques, Puerto Rico.  How very lovely for everyone.  Lord knows you can’t fall in love in say, Poughkeepsie.  That would be so gauche.  Yet, wouldn’t you just love to see the faces on the girls when Ben tells them they’re all going to…. wait for it… wait for it… Omaha!  Oh the fake smiles and feigned shouts of glee would be so fun to see.  But no, it’s time to frolic in the ocean and fall more in love with Ben with every wave crashing on the shore.

Melissa:  Fresh off a week without a Bachelor and I feel wonderful… Well, not really since Courtney is still on the show and I really can’t stand her slunty behavior for more than the time it takes to sneeze.  (BTW, since I think she’s in for the long haul, I’ve asked my Mac to learn “slunty” so I don’t have red squiggles everywhere.) We’re off to Puerto Rico so we can live vicariously through Ben and the ladies… Oh, if only ABC would fund my adventures!  Hey Chris Harrison, give me a call.  Maybe I could help you chose locations for the show – or maybe coordinate plot twists… yes!

Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Grandma’s Shades

Ben hits the road, er air, on his way to Vieques Puerto Rico where he is looking to take his relationships to the next level. To do that, apparently he needs to wear a pair of sunglasses from the Olsen Twins Grandma Line. What is up with those?

Rachel:  If Ben’s gonna rock grandma shades, there’s no reason you can’t play a little AM Gold in the form of, you guessed it, “On The Wings Of Love”.  I’m just sayin…  And yes, I’m going to pound that into the ground.  No turning back.

A Downpour of Love

This week two girls get one-on-one dates and the rest go on a group date. The good news is that everyone gets a date this week. Nicki is getting the first one-on-one and we've gotten to the point in the show where the girls don't even pretend to be happy for each other anymore. Evil eye, anyone?

Ben & Nicki take off for San Juan in, you guessed it, a helicopter. Strolling through the town, they get caught in a rainstorm and run around shrieking with soggy glee. Since Plan A was to walk around outside, Plan B is to buy clothes to wear... while walking around outside. After "accidentally" happening upon a wedding, they discuss Nicki's first marriage and what she learned, which is to live with someone first. Ben is taken with her deep insight & ability to not melt in the rain. Needless to say, he thinks that they have a great connection. She gets the rose.

Melissa:  Nicki gets the first date to find new love in old San Juan.  Of course Courtney is annoyed she didn’t get the first date… UGH, and with that I’m borderline wishing a fiery single car crash.  I’m not going to really put that out there just yet (I need all the good karma I can get right now), but it’s an option!  Oh, and cue the hummingbirds… TOLD you they were training them!  Walking around the town they spy a wedding in the background – of course they do!  There’s nothing spontaneous about that.  We’re not falling for it. 

Rachel:  Nicki says God is smiling down on the them because she’s eating piraguas with Ben in Puerto Rico.  Yes, nothing says godliness like shaved ice.  Then it starts pouring rain… Guess God realized what he was seeing and started to cry.  Thankfully, Ben is here to tell us that this is what happens when you travel.  Shut up!  You can’t order the weather you want when you travel?  And they say TV rots the brain.  But you know Ben sees it as a benefit to his date because Nicki’s laid back attitude about the rain is what attracts him to her.  If she had jumped in a puddle, he may have passed out from joy.  Why is it that women who are on this show and are divorced can talk about almost nothing else?  Does this happen in real life?  Isn’t one of the basic rules of dating not to talk about past relationships?  Well, being that this show breaks every rule of dating, divorce talk will score you a second date every time.

Swing Batter Batter, Sa-wing Batter

Group daters: Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B, Emily, Rachel, Casey S, Jamie & Blakeley. The girls get invited on a group date with a note that says "Diamonds are a girl's best friend". Not quite the diamond a lot of the girls were hoping for as it's a baseball diamond and not a trip to Cartier. Being that they're all dressed in athletic gear, not sure what they were expecting... possibly something athletic? It's like a Mensa meeting with these women. Anywho, the deal with today's date is that there will be a game and the winning team gets the cocktail party tonight. The losing team goes home, most likely in tears. There is an uneven number of girls so Lindzi is selected as the MVP, which means she plays on both teams and gets a win no mater what. Red teams wins so Courtney, Lindzi, Kacie B, Rachel & Jamie get the cocktail party.

Rachel:  I’m assuming the producers dole out the active wear because they’re all way too color coordinated.  And I wonder if there is a weight limit for being on the show.  Everyone is super skinny.  I guess it would be too much to have a “real” girl on, being that nothing about this show is real.  Anyway, Blakeley says she’s super athletic so I’m assuming that means she’s going to embarrass herself.  At least, I’m hoping.  She needs this win so badly, she can literally taste it.  Actually you cannot “literally” taste it, Blakeley.  And if you can, you should see someone about some antibiotics.  While I understand that Ben is pitching them soft balls, they are really playing the shit out of some baseball; especially Blakeley. Color me surprised.  But, since we already saw Courtney & Ben skinny dipping, do we have to really sit through this game to find out who wins?  Clearly, it’s her team – the red team.   Wow, sweet little Kacie B has quite the potty mouth when the adrenaline starts flowing.  Hey, red wins!  Who knew that was going to happen?  Oh yeah, me.  Blakeley takes it like a lady, and by lady, I mean bitch. 

Melissa:  I kinda like that it’s Blakely and Courtney as team captains… Thunderdome would be better, but I’ll take what I can get. 

Bitch Stole My Rose

Ben gets one-on-one time with the girls at the cocktail party, but feels a special connection with Kacie B and gives her the rose. Courtney isn't thrilled - I'll let you take that shocker in for a moment. So she does what any girl would do, takes Ben to the beach and says things like "skinny dip" and "sexy". His blood's pumping and she's feeling pretty proud of herself. The rest of us are just nauseated.

Melissa:  I clearly have to hit the Scotch to make it through this after-party and Coutney’s, well, sluntiness.  I hope someone puts itching powder in her panties one of these nights.  Oh, I could be the official prank creator of the show!  Sorry, still trying to figure out how I can get a job with ABC and go on awesome Bachelor trips without the whole having to try to date said Bachelor.  Kacie B gets the rose for the evening and I’m thrilled Courtney couldn’t use her baby talking manipulations to get it.  Oh, did I speak too soon??  Bring on the baby talk.  Apparently we have no idea what she’s capable of… Um, sluntiness maybe? 

Rachel:  Oh and it’s time to go to the cocktail party and listen to Courtney hate on everyone.  I wonder if anyone outside of Ben is buying into her being into him for any real reason?  She’s so in it for her 15 minutes of fame.  Seems she didn’t really get her due when she dated Jesse Metcalfe, so this seemed like the next logical step.  And when Kacie B gets the rose, Courtney has to pull out the big guns to get Ben back on her track.  And by guns, I mean breasts.  But wait, it was only a tease!  No, skinny dipping?  Perchance it will be coming up later?

A Three-Hour Tour

Elyse finally gets her one-on-one date with Ben and scores the coveted yacht outing. She tells Ben she's accomplished everything she's dreamed of except for getting married. Must be a really pathetic bucket list she's got. Ben senses a lull in the conversation and suggests some swimming. They jump overboard into the way-too-blue-for-it-to-be-real waters. Seems the date is going swimmingly. Bam! You walked right into that pun.

Unfortunately, the sun sets on their good time rather quickly. At dinner, Ben asks Elyse again about having accomplished everything already and she says it's really everything but marriage. She continues on by saying that being single sucks and that she just wants to get married at this point. All Ben hears is that she's in it for the ring and sends her packing. He says it's just that he is deeper into his feelings for other women than with her and doesn't feel they can get caught up. Yeah, more like he doesn't want to be her one-way ticket out of singledom.

Rachel:  Elyse gets the one-on-one date with Ben and I’m hoping she gets sent home.  I really don’t like her.  She’s not a nice person.  And she’s crying before she even leaves the house because she left her job to find love.  You’re a personal trainer. I think you’ll find another job.  You’re an idiot for having left it in the first place.  I do love that Ben’s taking her on the same date he went on with Ashely because that was where their relationship blossomed.  Yeah, ok.  Wait wait wait.. she just said that she didn’t bother to show up for her best friend’s wedding to come on this show?  That’s horrible.  She’s a horrible person.  It would have taken the plague and a natural disaster to make me miss my best friend’s wedding.  But what the hell do I know?  Oh yeah, I know you’re an asshole, Elyse.  Ben takes her sick of being single as a sign that she’s in it for the ring and not him.  Could be that she hasn’t once mentioned a word about liking him.  Then she busts on the group dates… Uh, did you not see what happened to Sam last week?  BTW, Ben is looking SUPER Alfred E Newman in that tux.  Couldn’t they have sprung for a better fitting shirt & tie?  Meanwhile, back at the chicken ranch, the other ladies see Elyse’s bag go and everyone is shocked… except Courtney who says she probably drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out.  Granted I don’t like Elyse, but I dislike Courtney more so shut up, bitch.

Melissa:  Elyse gets the big old yacht for a little private time.  OK, side bar… How many girls do we think bought their hair?  I have nothing against it as long as it’s an upgrade from Vienna’s bag of hair.  Sorry, I’m easily distracted tonight.  What’s with these women giving up jobs and missing friends weddings to go on the Bachelor?  Well, I mean I get the trips and all, but really, how do you go back with “yeah, well, can a sista get her job back because I didn’t get the guy”?  Wait a minute… Did they just say Emily is the next Bachelorette??  OH BOY!  That is going to be a super annoying season if you ask me.  Why can’t we ever get a fresh person for this show?  Really, we hear their story, they don’t find love, and then we get to start all over??  Come on ABC!  Man, I’m full of tangents tonight, sorry.  Back to the date… I don’t know, I’m not seeing a rose for her.  Neither does Ben.  Now if she’s a smart girl, instead of crying and asking what she did wrong, she’ll seize the opportunity to take Courtney down… BUT NOOOO.  Oh, that’s priceless… Off she goes for the dinghy ride!

The Most Naked Scene In Bachelor History

Never one to let the party end without it being on her terms, Courtney shows up in her robe at Ben's hotel door. He sees her, realizes it's a bad idea and then invites her in. Running with the bad idea theme, he falls prey to Courtney's bra flash and accepts her invite for a moonlight dip in the ocean sans clothing. We are shown too much and no one will ever be the same for having seen that.

Melissa:  So Courtney shows up at Ben’s door with her skinny dip coupon.  Really, is he going to fall for the girl at the door?  OK, sorry, strike that.  I may have done the show up at the door on an occasion or two (maybe 3), but that isn’t the point here!  The point is, they usually DO go for the lady at the door.  At least I didn’t have a film crew following me and getting it all on camera… You know so the parents get to see.  The girls will not be happy about this news when they find out.

Rachel: Ahhh… here it is.  The skinny dipping scene we were all promised. Ben doesn’t know how he feels about Courtney breaking the rules.  And he doesn’t know if “getting frisky” is a good idea.  Well Ben, maybe you should just get naked and see if you are any clearer then.  That always helps men see things more clearly.  I’m sure Elyse is sitting at home watching this feeling way good about herself.

Cocktails & Cockiness

It's time for the Rose Ceremony and Ben looks to maximize his time with the other girls; albeit not quite a maximized as it was with Courtney. He gets some one-on-one time and some lip with Jennifer. Then he gets some one-on-one time with Blakeley. She tells him she writes down one thing every day that she likes about him and she now knows she deserves love. Ben is taken with that honesty and gets some lip to prove it. And then Rachel... and then Lindzi. Meanwhile the girls inside talk about skinny dipping (wonder how that subject just happened to come up) and Courtney is dying to let it out that she has seen Ben's goods by the light of the moon. Outside, Emily tries to set the record straight with Ben after she spent her time last week with Ben ragging on Courtney. She starts off doing a great job with the apologizing and then dives right into ragging on her again. She's like a car that has lost its brakes.

Rachel:  That man seriously loves to make out.  I mean making out is good… no, it’s great… but it’s like his lips are on overdrive.  The one girl that didn’t get any lip is Emily because her lips were too busy flapping about Courtney to get kissed.  I do like that he pretty much warned her to keep it to herself going forward.  I mean she’s just so dumb.  And we were worried no one would be there to replace Jenna’s crazy babble.

Melissa:  Rose Ceremony cocktails gives Courtney time to feel like she’s gotten one over on the rest of the ladies.  OK, that’s it. I wish itching powder in the panties for that girl!!  Blakeley has finally gotten to a good place about herself, which allows me a moment to not plot Courtney’s removal from the show.  God, I can’t even begin to tell you how many points Ben would skyrocket if he didn’t give her a rose this week!  I would seriously leap over to Camp Ben!  Oh Emily, dear girl… Don’t you ever watch the show?  NEVER tell them you don’t like a girl, they never believe you and you look crazy in their eyes!

The Rose Ceremony Week 5

Time for the Rose Ceremony - One girl down, one to go...

Staying:  Kacie B & Nicki have roses.  Also safe:  Kacie B, Nikki, Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S, Blakeley, and…. Emily.

Going:  Jennifer

Melissa:  Man I would have bet my glass of Glenmorangie it was going to be Emily!  Oh LAWD, she’s a hiccup crier too!!  What’s up with the zero dignity these women have when they leave?

Rachel:  Say what?  Really?  You kept Emily who just pissed you off for the second week in a row and sent Jennifer home whom you just made out with?  What did I miss?  Wow, that’s stupid.  So so stupid.  This may be the only time that Courtney and I agree on something.  And why do the girls always wonder what they did wrong?  He effed up here, lady.  Not you.  Him.  Big time.

Bottom Line:

Rachel: They’re off to Panama City, the most glamorous city in Central America.  Is that true?  I guess we’ll find out.

Melissa:  Not to put bad energy out into the universe, but I‘m plotting against Courtney, I really can’t take another week of her.  Please… Ladies… SOMEONE give her itching powder!!


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