One Sentence Summary: The ladies prepare for the obligatory Housewives trip and Kim gets used to the idea of life without Kroy (Since he’ll be a whopping 40 minutes away from home while at training camp).
Rachel: Ok, I’m back in action this week. Just in time for the big trip to Africa. I’m nice and mellowed out after a couple of glasses of Meiomi Pinot Noir and some delicious Turkish food, so this shouldn’t be too hard to watch. Right? Ok fine, I know better. But at least the harsh edges are a little blurred. So, let’s see… We now have group trips to Morocco, Hawaii, Costa Rica and Africa. Have the OC Housewives gotten to go anywhere? I mean the OC is the OG show. Shouldn’t they get the big trip? Maybe this is their season. Granted, I’d have to watch to know and there’s a 50/50 shot of that happening at best. But back to the Atlanta ladies, let’s get this party started and please give me a little Phaedra tonight to counterbalance the lot of Kim & NeNe I know you’re going to throw my way.
Melissa: This week the Atlanta Ladies head off to South Africa, but we also get the treat of Kim and Kandi trying to lose weight. Call me crazy, but I’m thinking Kim will attempt some bizarre treatment a la the fat burning spinning red light treatment of last season. I also can’t wait for the ladies to hear NeNe invited Marlo along on the Housewives trip… Was that her call to make? I hope Phaedra has a few choice words for her.
Friends with Benefits
Rachel: Oh look it’s NeNe and her BFF Marlo hanging out again. Apparently, NeNe needs a buddy and Marlo needs screen time. At least it’s nice to see that they are both swimming in the shallow end of the pool. That way no one has to worry about them drowning in their materialism. And really? This is how you live when your profession is “dating rich men”? I need to have word with my mother about how she raised me…. You know with morals and self-esteem to be the best me possible…. blah blah blah. And a camera security system for a townhouse? And a staff? This is so ridiculous. And why is NeNe hating on Phaedra? Did I miss that episode? I guess I did. So, let’s invite Marlo to Africa and make it a team effort! As if Africa doesn’t already have enough problems.
Melissa: NeNe stops by Marlo’s house… Um, seriously I should have taken a better approach to dating. I totally could have been a kept woman if that closet is the payoff! Wait, and she gives NeNe a Chanel bag? Seriously, how does one go from mug shots to a staff? I love that NeNe just assumes she can invite anyone she wants to the trip Phaedra planned. That’s just a level of narcissism I can’t believe.
Work It Out Girl
Melissa: EW, do I have to hear about Kim and Kroy “getting frisky”? I just threw up a little bit! Oh, and didn’t I call it?? She’s got some hair-brained scheme for a wrap to lose weight! If you feel saggy and droopy lift a damn weight. Hey, here’s a thought, spend 20 minutes walking around the house and marvel at how much stuff you have – that way it’s a bit of exercise and it’s all about you! Sweet Mary this wrap is ridiculous! No, for real, how do women think this stuff really works? OK, if you compress your body for an hour and they take measurement immediately after they take the wrap off, of course there will be something to measure. Try the measurement again after you’ve had that contraption off for an hour. Guess what, you’ll be the same as you were before except about a grand lighter in the wallet dumb ass!
Rachel: Well thanks for that scene. As if I needed to know that a) Kim was trying to get busy in her pool while her kid was home and b) that she refuses to do any work to lose weight. Let me know when you’re ready to alert me to the news that the Pope’s Catholic. Moving on… Then there’s Kandi on her mission to lose weight by eating fast food & fried foods. But at least she’s moving her body.
Melissa: Holy workout Kandi, sled pulls, tire flips… Kandi, you’re all sorts of bad ass working out! I love it girl!
Rachel: Uh, so Peter says Kim isn’t going to Africa because there are too many black people. You do realize she lives in Atlanta where the majority of the population is black, don’t you? In fact, it’s the 4th largest black-majority city. Thank you, Wikipedia. Oh I hate ignorant people. I don’t care what side of the fence you are on, ignorant is ignorant. And Peter, you are ignorant. And do these people know that they’re going to South Africa which is a country and not the entire continent of Africa? I do love the fact that Cynthia isn’t even pretending for a second that she’s beyond excited to get away from her husband for 10 days. At least that part of her communication skill-set is functioning. Ah bliss.
Melissa: Wait Peter, did you really just say Kim isn’t going to Africa (btw, they are going to South Africa) because there are too many black people?? No, you couldn’t have just said that! OK Peter, I had been giving you a chance… But you’re done as far as I’m concerned. No wonder Cynthia wants some time off from you. You’re an asinine fool!
Melissa: Phaedra dishes the dirt on Marlo to Apollo. She doesn’t really associate with criminals and wisely she’s going to keep an eye on Marlo. Thank you Apollo for serving as Captain Obvious: How can you all go on a trip when you can’t stop fighting every 10 minutes? That’s the beauty of the “Housewives’ Trip”… It’s also why we wring our hands together in excitement over the thought.
Rachel: I do like the relationship between Phaedra and Apollo. It seems real. And yes, I like to beat the Phaedra-Is-Awesome drum, but well, she is awesome. See she’s thinking if NeNe comes, she may be able to rekindle friendships. Positivity. And then if not, she might get kidnapped in the brush. Humor. All good things.
Rachel: These two are working my nerves. They’re like the mean girls in high school. Lord, it’s going to be nasty in South Africa. I’m already over it and they didn’t even get on the plane yet. And Marlo, don’t be hating on Kandi. You’re just mad because she didn’t kiss your ass on her radio show. She called you out for saying something stupid. It’s her show. That’s her job. Oh NeNe such the poser… You can’t afford a $10k shopping trip? I thought you were rich, bitch? Ah, that never gets old.
Melissa: Ugh, I said it last week and I’ll say it again… I can’t really groove with this duo. Wait, did NeNe really just call Shereé mean-spirited?? Are you really kidding us woman? Careful with those stones you throw. You’re going to take out and entire floor of that glass house you live in. BAHAHA, That is some awesome sticker shock on NeNe’s face over the 10K necklace… What happened there Diva? Shopping on a budget?
Baby Please Don’t Go
Rachel: So Kroy goes back to work and can’t be Kim’s house boy anymore. Poor Kim. She might actually have to hold her own child. Can anyone out there recall a scene where Kim was actually caring for her own baby? You just have to be thankful, Kim, that your man is going to get a paycheck. That house you’re living in doesn’t come cheap. And another home with cameras everywhere? It makes a bit more sense on this one being that it’s an actual estate. Of course, Kroy is using it to track Kim’s moves while he’s at training camp. Nice. I guess you probably want to monitor your investments… Wow, “spray and pray” is Kroy’s version of birth control? Splains a lot.
Melissa: Date night for Kim and Kroy before he heads off to camp to try to catch up with the bills she’s racking up. Thank the LORD they decided to forgo the “Sexy Skype” a la Alex and Simon from RHONY! HOLY SHIT… Did Kroy just say “spray and pray”? I mean I know he’s a bit of a rube, but GEEZ, you’d think your agent would at least tell you to wrap it up if you’re going to be a professional athlete!! That’s how you end up with a Baby Mamma… Oh wait…
Surprise! (Parents Included)
Melissa: Hang on now… Kim’s parents are setting up the house for “go time”?? I’m so skeeved right now I’m really not sure what to say. “Hey Mom, Dad, I’m thinking of doing the nasty with my Baby Daddy, could you sexy up the place for us? Thanks!” Sweet Mary, her Dad just walked in. Are you kidding me? That is so unacceptable on so many levels I think my head might explode!
Rachel: Way to surprise someone romantically; Show up early, have your father be there & yell at your assistant for not having it done perfectly. Then have your dad roll into the bathroom just as your about to get your sexy bath on. Seriously, dad? You’re super creepy. Do you really want to be in the bathroom with your daughter & her baby daddy when they’re about to take a “romantic” bath together? Really? GET OUT! Yes, you and your porn star moustache must go.
Airport Take 1
Rachel: And so it begins… Time for “Housewives Go To Africa”. Oh, it’s Sheree! I forgot she was on this show. Maybe she should have kept Phaedra on retainer so she could have a storyline this season. Now, she’s just background. Marlo’s getting more screen time than she is. But I have a sneaking suspicion that she may be part of some fireworks in South Africa. You can’t keep Sheree quiet for long.
Melissa: Thankfully Kandi is at least cautious of how bad this trip might actually be. The others will just pretend that it will be a wonderful trip… I’m officially setting the fight over/under at 42 hours… Place your bets!
Melissa: Wait… he’s going to be 40 minutes away? How is that really leaving?
Rachel: Well, Kroy’s off to camp and that was good news for me because it would have been a long ugly winter if there was no football. That’s pretty much all I got out of that scene. Well, that and Brielle likes Kroy better than Kim. Pretty sure she wouldn’t shed a tear if it was Kim headed off for a month.
Melissa: The ladies arrive to the airport, and apparently Marlo joining them is a surprise to them all. Again, I ask, how does this happen? I’m not even going to bother to raise the “WTF are they wearing” flag for a flight to South Africa?
Rachel: Boy do I love the look on everyone’s faces when Marlo shows up. And I love that Kandi calls her NeNe’s “muscle”. She is that. And who shows up on an international trip unannounced? That makes no sense to me, but again I know better than to try and make sense out of a situation where no sense exists. And that would be any and all Housewives shows.
Rachel: Well, from the previews, it looks like South Africa starts on a positive note but, as predicted, devolves into shouting. What’s interesting is that it’s Marlo & NeNe shouting at each other.
Melissa: I hope they are on a private plane because to torture other travelers with their behavior is just mean.