One Sentence Summary: Tonight’s opening of Sur is brought to you by the letters “D” for dysfunction and “B” for bananas.
Rachel: Alright, I’m the weak link here. It’s Thursday and I’m now just watching the RHOBH. I know, I know… I’m sleeping on the job here, but just trust me when I say it’s been a week. So this week we are back on the mainland and it’s time to deal with the fallout of the Russell/Taylor split and the Kim/Ken debacle in Hawaii. I’m sure all of it will be handled in public in the most uncouth ways possible. I mean I guess if you’re going to air your dirty laundry out for the whole television viewing audience to watch, it probably doesn’t matter where you stage your battles. Right? And yet, I still find it ridiculous that they argue about the most intimate details of their lives in public spaces. Makes no sense, but I can’t help that. I’m a conundrum wrapped up in an enigma. Speaking of Conundrum, I think I have some in the wine fridge. I shall pour me a bottle and commence the watching.
Melissa: Whew, I’m ready for a little dose of reality after the Bachelor… YES, I’m calling the Housewives “real” compared to that rubbish I witness from those girls! Tonight we get to visit Lisa’s latest baby, the Lounge at Sur, and get a little more insight into Kim and Ken’s relationship and I don’t think Kyle is going to be a huge fan of this new information.
Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Melissa: Kyle kicks us off with telling her daughter Farrah about Taylor leaving Russell, and her stress over her fight with Kim. Let’s face it, that was some crazy business from those two.
Rachel: So, now Kyle is saying that even if a fraction of the abuse is true, then it’s a good thing she left Russell. Um, isn’t that the opposite of what you and everyone else was saying after you kicked her out of the White Party? I guess now that all her events are over, she can have Taylor as a friend again? Well, being that Kyle is suffering from “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” from her fight with Kim, she’ll need a shoulder to lean on. Come on wine, start your numbing. I’m still feeling way too much of this nonsense.
But It’s So Pink & Pretty
Rachel: Ok, I lived in LA for 15 years and I’ll buy the hotel excuse. Maison 140 is a far closer drive to Sur than whatever part of the Valley I assume they live in. However, no one on this show ever drives so I’m not sure what happened to their on-call limo service. Maybe Kyle stole that from her too? Meanwhile, I think Kim is still using air freshener as a breath spray because that’s the only plausible explanation for thinking a vibrator is lip gloss.
Melissa: Kim and Ken opt for a hotel closer to town so they don’t have to drive after the party… suuuuure Kim. Wait, she’s got a vibrator disguised as lip gloss… Yeah, she doesn’t know what it’s for… Maybe a wrist. Hmmmm, maybe we need to get Kandi on the phone and hook her up with some toys and an explanation of HOW to use them.
Sur Lounge Launch
Melissa: It’s time for the launch party and all the guests roll in to help Lisa kick off her new venture… Including Bernie Adrienne’s Chef who Lisa doesn’t recognize… AT ALL! Fantastic! Oh, one of the waitresses hooked up Brandi’s ex. Oh, now this is getting good!! Unfortunately Lisa sends the girlie packing before the cat fight. Smart girl at least took it in stride and left without issue… a bit sad if you ask me – I was hoping for fireworks.
Rachel: Hey Brandi’s in a dress that is one deep breath away from a nip slip yet again. It freaks me out to have my boobs that close to public exposure. Granted, they don’t quite look like Brandi’s so maybe that’s part of it. So, I have to laugh that Bernie showed up to Lisa’s party being that he can’t stand her. I guess he can’t stand missing a party more. I feel ya, Bern. I do. And as for the chippie that shacked up with Brandi’s ex, I’m glad Lisa sent your slutty ass home. I mean if you ever have to utter the sentence, “I used to date her husband” and the implication is that it was WHILE he was still her husband, you get the door. No questions asked. Good thing Kyle immediately stirs the drama when she walks in the door about whether Taylor & Kim will show up. I mean if there’s no drama, how will she know she had a good time tomorrow?
Anyone Else See The Pink Elephant In The Corner?
Rachel: Ok, how far did they actually have to travel? She packed clothes for six days for an overnight trip. Even I don’t do that. And seriously, crack attack, Kim. What are you searching the room for? Did you misplace your meds? Trust me, you don’t need anymore. The fact that I’m feeling sympathetic towards Ken tells you something about the cray cray happening in that room.
Melissa: Kim is a dithered mess trying to get ready for the Launch Party – which really isn’t a shock to any of us watching. What happened to her declarations of being a Virgo and always on time or early? Kim is having adjustment issues with the living together scenario. OK, how many purses, pouches and sacks does one person need to store all their crap?? I mean seriously, I overpack as a general rule, but she’s crazy with all this.
Some Welcome & Not So Welcome Guests
Melissa: RuPaul stops by to check out the place – OK, that’s an awesome party now if you ask me. I was riding the wave of that coolness until Cedric rolled in – and apparently had a little work done after leaving Lisa’s. Maybe he’s thinking about pushing his coaching schtick to the party guests.
Rachel: Oh how I love me some RuPaul. His Drag Race show really doesn’t get the love it should. I may have to start covering it on the blog. Now, he is fierce. Someone call Tyra and ‘splain that to her. Apparently, Cedric thinks he can get some lip injections & fillers and be welcomed back into the Housewives coven. Sorry darling, there’s no room at the table for you. You’ll have to find another reality star to steal camera time from. As we all know, you are not there out of any sense of goodness. It’s all self-serving BS. Good on you Lisa for kicking him to the curb.
Melissa: Taylor’s therapist is joining her for the Sur party? Um, I’ve never had a doctor (therapist included) who took me to a party. Really Taylor, all your friends are going to be there, why do you need the help of your therapist to get in a car to make the ride.
Rachel: Ok, we are all aware of the sadness that is Taylor’s situation but do they really have to play that horribly morose music every time they show her? We get it. We really do. Yeah, I’m with my partner here on the therapist escort service. It’s hard to not consider what he’s doing self-serving as well. I have a feeling he doesn’t escort his other patients to events that aren’t being filmed. I guess everyone’s selling something these days. Currently, I’m selling myself on the idea that another glass of wine is a good idea.
Button, Button, Let’s Press The Button
Rachel: Wow this is just the awkward run-ins night with Paul’s ex-girlfriend now at the event as well. This one, however, will not end with another unceremonious exit. But the real show is what is going on in the limo with Kim. (And let’s note the limo that they are taking even though they’re staying at a hotel so they don’t have to drive too far.) She is like manic crazy person between the car buttons, digging through the trash and having to take her “dirty” bra off. That’s not anxiety. That’s addiction. Now hand me my wine.
Melissa: Holy childlike behavior from Kim. I like to play with buttons? Seriously, my 6 year old has behaved more maturely in the cockpit of a plane than you. Really, we’re going to blame anxiety for not being able to make anything on time… Maybe it’s your being stoned all the time being the reason.
Melissa: Now we have to sit through therapy in the car with Taylor? Why is she afraid of going to a party? UGH, we get it… You had a bad marriage. Do we have to hear about it every week?
Rachel: Yes, my darling Melissa, we do. We have to hear about her marriage like we have to hear about Brandi getting cheated on, Kyle not approving of Ken, Camille being shafted by Frasier and the rest of the drama every week. Apparently none of us out here in TV-land are smart enough to remember why we care on our own. Although I wonder how much more smoothly my life would run if there was a therapist by my side at all times. Rachel, how does eating that candy bar represent your feelings of loneliness? Side bar: Can someone teach Taylor how to get in & out of a limo without flashing her hoo-ha to all?
And The Crash…
Melissa: OK, so Kim is showing off her vibrator at the party? Who does that? I mean, I’m all for toys, but not at a party… unless it’s a toy party, because that just makes sense. Speaking of sense… Or lack thereof, and Kim drops the bomb that she’s moving out to Adrienne. Of course Adrienne isn’t completely blind and recognizes someone who is off their rocker and quietly moves her away from the party to get Kim to start talking and get the sisters together. This is going to be a big fat old “I told you so” from Kyle. Kim confesses she spends her days crying and isn’t happy – but wait, didn’t we see her chomping Cheetos and marveling how happy she was? Now she’s 3 months late? Really, are we going to go through a Ramona-esque “I think I’m pregnant” when really, it’s just menopause? Ladies… You’re getting a little close to that age, let’s not jump to ridiculous conclusions shall we?
Rachel: So all that crawling around deciding what to bring to the party and she grabs the vibrator. Alrighty then… And poor Adrienne always has to play peacemaker between the Kim & Kyle. Maybe they Richards sisters should have a tag-along therapist as well. Perhaps Taylor will lend them hers. I do feel badly that Ken is treating Kim like shit, but there’s part of me that can only imagine what he’s dealing with too. Uh, Kim you’re not pregnant. You’ve probably screwed your entire system up with the 700 pills you pop every day. Did the doctors prescribing you all these meds not mention that?
It Ain’t A Party ’til There’s Some Therapy
Melissa: Taylor makes her entrance to the party. So naturally she decides in the middle of the launch party to hold court and tell the ladies exactly what they all know, she’s acted crazy, her life was out of control and she couldn’t take it any more. Yep, a full therapy session in the middle of the launch party. I swear, she’s like the Queen of inappropriate activity, you don’t take over someone’s party for your own therapy session. If you wanted to have this conversation, you don’t do it at someone else’s party. You ask everyone to come to the house and have a glass of wine or tea.
Rachel: Sigh… Again, I feel like a heel saying this, but really Taylor? On what planet did you think that using Lisa’s party as the time to sit everyone down and explain your behavior was appropriate? Skip the party and invite them to your house. Oh, these women are so lacking in humility that it makes me angry. And good on Adrienne! Seriously, the only woman at the table not pretending that everything’s OK. And with the fucking therapist monitoring this is ridiculous. Again, rationally I know I should be sympathetic to Taylor but I just really have such a visceral reaction to her. I think it’s the fact that she is just the ultimate victim at all times. I mean really, bringing her therapist with her is just the crowning jewel in the victim tiara.
Rachel: Jesus Christ, I’ve had enough of this. Fifteen extra minutes of this is killing me slowly.
Melissa: Meanwhile, Kim has locked herself in the bathroom screaming through the door at Ken to leave her alone. Anyone else hearing a little “OK Taylor, I see your therapy session at the party and raise you a bathroom tantrum”. Hey, at least there’s a therapist in the house who might be able to have a session with Kim from the adjoining stall.
Melissa: Wait, next week is the finale?? Say what? You can’t do this to me! Just when I get sucked back in to the craziness you cut me off? Well, there is Bethany Ever After to look forward to.
Rachel: I, on the other hand, am ready to be on a break. Well, that and I cannot WAIT for that reunion show. I may have mentioned that before.