The Bachelor Season 16, Week 3 – Frisco Frenzy

One Sentence Summary:  It’s all fun & games in San Francisco until a surprise entry into the hen house sends the ladies spiraling.

I don't believe in drama... That's why I'll just quietly poison your cereal.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, here we are at the episode with the “surprise visitor”.  We’re being set-up to believe it’s an ex-girlfriend, but I feel like we’re being led down a primrose path.  Ben has prattled on about his past, his dad, his career, but it doesn’t feel like there has been a lady in his life for a while.  So, I’m saying we’re going to get duped.  This had better be “shocking” like Chris promises or I’m taking his right to drop adjectives away.  Oh yeah, I said it.  He’s only going to be able to say things like “This is the 160th rose ceremony ever.” and “Tonight’s cocktail party promises to happen.”  Now, let’s bring on this surprise…

Melissa:  Oh boy, it’s Week 3 of the Bachelor, and I gotta say I’m so sad Jenna left.  You all know I love a good Bat Shit Crazy on any show!  You give me crazy rants and tears, I’m all in!!  I have no idea what the ladies are up to with Ben this week, but I’m sure we’ll be treated to some Courtney narcissism, Blakely fakeness and well, who knows what else… Ben’s random deep thoughts maybe?  Let’s get it on kiddos, Mamma lifted detox for the night… Cause, I learned my lesson the hard way last week!!

It’s Girl Ben!

So they make deep thoughts with Ben an interactive game today. We meet Ben's sister and they talk about his thoughts on the girls thus far. He says Lindzi impressed him on her horse and he really likes her. He thinks Courtney is awesome and would get along well with his her. And he thinks Jennifer is the best kisser. Way to overshare there, Ben. Sis just wants him to meet a girl so they can double date. Setting the bar high there sis. Regardless, can we all agree that Ben's deep thoughts are more interesting when he's talking to someone vs. just wandering the streets and staring out over vistas?

Melissa:  We’re in San Fransisco, another city I adore, and I’m not using that casually!!  I’ve lucked out to get to visit that awesome city several times, and each time I love it all the more.  These ladies, again, don’t deserve such awesome trips.  I realize it’s where he lives, but still… I can be bitchy right??  Wait, whose blog is this… Hells yeah I’m allowed to be bitchy… cause that’s what you’ve all come to expect.  Ben’s back home and chilling with his sister to catch up and share his thoughts on the ladies.  His first thought is to tell big sis about Lindzi.  Gotta say she’s my favorite horse (no pun intended) in this race.

Rachel:  Courtney is really down to earth and his sister would really get along with her???  Methinks not.  Methinks that would be a home visit gone horribly awry… So yeah, let’s make that happen.  And Ben says Jennifer is the best kisser.  Oh things brothers & sisters don’t need to share.  I don’t care how old you are, your siblings should always remain asexual.  Always.  {{{Shudder}}}

A Date With A View

Emily gets the first one-on-one date card tonight. She's super stoked until she finds out they're going to be climbing the Bay Bridge. Yes, to the top. Emily is afraid of heights so it's shaky goings on until Ben lays a kiss on her. Ah, the magical kiss. Naturally, this gives Emily the courage to make it to the top. Meanwhile, back at the girls' suite, a strategically placed telescope allows the ladies to spy on Emily's date. At the ubiquitous dinner date (yes, we use ubiquitous liberally on this blog), Ben gives Emily the rose and lets us know he has a connection with her. You have more connections than a plug, Ben.

Rachel:  So Emily’s date starts with her climbing up the Bay Bridge… which is always fun when you’re afraid of heights.  Ben says this is about trust.  Relationship are about trust.  Well, it would be helpful if you were actually in a relationship.  Personally, I’d be shitting my pants too.  Meanwhile, Jennifer finds them on the beams via the strategically placed in-suite telescope.  So, last week was the “random” baton and this week is the “random” telescope.  Oh what will those tricky little producers drop in our laps next week?  So, now because they’ve climbed the bridge, there’s nothing they can’t do together.  Seriously?  Maybe I need to adopt a more positive attitude… and by positive, I mean utterly naive and totally out of touch with reality.  These people live on another planet than I do.  But, I do like that Ben says he likes a smart girl.  I give him props for that.  It’s a rare man that can not only handle, but appreciate, a smart girl.  Trust me.  And yes, I just basically called myself smart.  Deal with it.  I’m not just bitchy, people.  I’m a complex and deep woman.

Melissa:  Emily gets the “love lifts us up” date.  Hopefully this doesn’t segue my partner into her Jeffrey Osbourne “On The Wings Of Love”.  Again, Courtney provides her brilliant narrow-mindedness that “book smart is boring”.  Um… says the girl who I’m sure can’t even spell book or smart.  You know, I’ve never really wished harm on a person (OK, fine, who am I kidding. – several), but really, I want that bitch to go down.  She’s just bad juju.  OK, Emily is excited to spend the day without the other ladies.  Will he take her to House of Nan King?  FYI, if you’re in San Fran, swing into the Financial district, head to that spot but don’t order off the menu, ask for what’s good that day – Yeah, a little public service from me to you.  Oh no, they are climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge – and here is where I crap my slacks and check out.  Sorry if that offends, I thought it was better than piss my pants and throw up.  Which really, a combination of all those is what would most likely happen.  Funnily enough they are spotted by the ladies from the hotel on the telescope.  Poor Emily, she must be in full on panic mode – but Ben knows what he needs to do… Kiss the Girl (yeah, you’re meant to start singing) – because of course, that’s exactly what calms any and all panicked women… A kiss from Ben.  Oh snap, Emily reveals her first online dating foray lead to her being matched to… her brother??  Wha-wha-wha!  I like this girl, as does Ben, who grants the rose to the smarter of the two.  Nice play my friend, topped off with fireworks.

Rachel – PS – Is it really so wrong to want a little Jeffrey Osbourne now & then?

New Meaning To Bunny Slope

It's time for the Group Date and Ben takes them skiing on the streets of San Fransisco. Thank goodness all the girls were savvy enough to bring their bikinis along with them. You know, since nothing says a day on the slopes like your two-piece.

At the, you guessed it, cocktail party, Rachel steals some time with Ben and gets the first kiss of the night. Kacie B doesn't like to watch Ben with other women so she pulls him aside for some reassurance... and more lip. Finally, Blakeley gets her claws on him & drops the "everyone's picking on me card", but before she can get sloppy thirds (?), she's interrupted by Brittney who wasn't on the group date. (We'll get to that in a minute.) But it's Rachel's laid-back attitude that wins the date rose tonight.

Melissa:  Group Date – The Leap List.  To rebound from his date with Emily he surprises the ladies with a ski trip… Along the streets of San Fran… In their bikinis.  Yeah, cause that’s what you put on under your sundress for a day out.  Um, I really don’t even know where to start with this redic ploy from ABC to get half-naked women on the show.  Kacie B. slowly starts to meltdown and tries to get him to understand her needs… Which I think just involves his tongue.  Again, I hope he at least gargles between tongue trips.  Rachel gets the rose.  Which I love because Blakeley doesn’t get it. 

Rachel:  It’s 85 in SF?  Um, and you question global warming.  There’s a reason why the quote, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco” exists.  Oh this whole date is an ad for Honda.  Hello product placement!  Their spots are even about leap lists.  Impressive tie-in.  Back to the date at hand… Do they need to be in bikinis?  Really?  REALLY?  There is no dignity for women left.  I’m not even being facetious right now.  Ben gets some lip with Rachel, which I like… No, not actually watching the kiss, the Rachel part.  I like her.  Kacie B isn’t particularly enjoying it as much as I am.  So, she gets her one-on-one time and some lip as well.  I wonder if they are contracted to only wear no-smudge lipstick. Yes, that’s all that I’ve gleaned from this scene. 

Bye Bye Birdie

Brittney gets the next one-on-one date card. She receives a key necklace and some jealous glares from the other women. Brittney isn't all that excited and starts to question her wanting to be there. She ultimately decides that finding love on national television isn't for her and tells Ben it's time for her & grandma to reunite. He's not happy at the news, but plays it off saying he only gave her the one-on-one to see if there was any chemistry between them, since he hadn't been feeling it thus far. Way to save face.

Rachel:  Well, this messes up my Bachelor brackets.  I had her going to the Final Four (aka: The home dates).  But good on her for being honest and not all wrapped up in the hype.  I guess grandma misjudged Ben’s charm.

Melissa:  Wait, this is the hardest decision of her life to leave The Bachelor??  WOW, speaks volumes about the “drama” she’s had in her life.  OK, sorry, that was unfair, but come on, woman!


And The Runner-Up For Brittney’s Date Is…

Lindzi gets Brittney's date and is "pumped". They go on a trolley tour of the city and end up at City Hall for private concert by Matt Nathanson. Afterwards, Lindzi & Ben get to know each other better at an awesome Speakeasy where she tells him about the dumping via text incident. Ben is horrified for her, but charmed enough to give her the rose. Finally, they stop by a piano store where Ben tickles the ivories with a little David Gray.

Melissa:  So they head out for ice cream, hit the city and City Hall for a little amazing show from Matt Nathanson.  Yeah, cause that happens in real life.  Sadly, neither can really dance, but let’s let them just have their fun.  Again, I adore this girl, so I hope she gets what she sets out for.  They’re off to the speakeasy for dinner, conversation and the rose.  Oh, and he pulls out the David Gray at the piano and you know this is his panty dropper move… Well done, Ben. You might just be a playa yet!!

Rachel:  Lindzi is pumped “for a last-minute date”???  Well, there’s a positive spin if I ever heard one.  They go on a tour of the city and blow through Chinatown.  Uh, they’d have to stop the trolley and let me off for some dim sum.  There’s no “passing through” Chinatown for this lady.  I like Lindzi but she suffers from a slight case too-white-choppers-itis.  She could light the Bat Signal with those things.  I do love this speakeasy joint.  Very very cool.  I need to remember that place.  Super effing rad and the most interesting part of this date.  She tells him about the dumping text.  I’m not sure I would have, but being that he was rejected while proposing on national TV, I guess it’s a bonding moment.  So, viva la embarrassment! She gets the rose!  I give Ben props for the second time tonight for rocking out some David Gray on the piano.  I wonder if she got the necklace from Brittney, as well.

Cocktail Time!

Jennifer gets some alone time and lets Ben know she's feeling his funk. He says she's the best kisser... again. We get it. Then crazy Courtney, who is anti-drama, starts drama with Lindzi and proceeds to continue to distract Ben with her fog.

Rachel:  Oh that Courtney is horrible; although she does nail it when she says Blakeley is someone your boyfriend sleeps with… Did I not nail the Rachel Uchitel thing last week?  But she still sucks.  I’m still liking Jennifer too, but kinda didn’t need the info that she’s a great kisser twice in one night.  That’s really need-to-know information and I can promise you that I don’t need to know.

Melissa:  Ben shoots off with Jennifer who is all about the compliments to win him over. Yeah, way to go girlfriend. You make him blush and he thinks you’re the best kisser in the house.  Um, I’ll bet he says that to all the girls.  No, maybe he doesn’t.  Meanwhile, Courtney shares her thoughts on who is an idiot, who is the girl your boyfriend cheats on you with (Blakeley), and tries to cause drama by throwing out a non-existent she-said/she-said crazy.  I’m sorry, but really, she represents every “she’s a model” cliche I’ve ever heard.  She’ll skate through again and plays on Ben’s “oh she’s purdy” blindness.

But Wait, There’s More!

Ok, so the mystery woman, is finally on her way. She's not an ex since Chris just asked if they've met before. At least, one would assume he's smart enough to work that out on his own. Turns out it's Funeral Home Shawntel from Brad's season. OK, we can admit that we didn't see that one coming. She says she's spoken to Ben a few times and knows there's a connection between them. She can't just let him pick another woman without having thrown her hat in the ring. She shows up at the cocktail party, cruises past the other women & interrupts Elyse's Ben time. Ben is shocked, but admits he has enjoyed talking to Shawntel. Looks like she'll get to attend the rose ceremony... much to the loud & obnoxious chagrin of the rest of the ladies who treat her like she just jumped them in line for a heart transplant.

Melissa:  Shawntel the Death Dealer is back for Ben!  And she knows Ben is someone she could be with for the rest of her life.  Um, again, what??  What’s up with the “I don’t really know him, but I love him” this show sparks?  I love that none of these ladies recognize her, yet she was on a mere 2 seasons ago (maybe).  Her chat with Ben is made all the more uncomfortable with the fact that they are all watching their conversation from 5 feet away.  Hello ginormous set of balls to roll up in there!  Tip of the Hat there, lady. Good luck with that crowd when you walk back inside.  OK, here’s what I love… A room full of women saying: “How can you love him? You don’t even know him! We’ve known him for a whole 3 weeks!!”  Oh, I can’t even take advantage of the joke options.  They are just too easy.  Now, here’s something I can get behind, the declaration from Courtney that if Shawntel gets a rose she’s walking. Oh, Shawntel, you have my vote right here, right now.  Especially since these dumb ass women don’t realize the producers are ALL OVER this shit and made it happen. 

Rachel:  So, as they tease us with only the voice of the mystery lady, I can’t help thinking that she sounds like a Kardashian, which is utterly bone-chilling.  Wait, so lady in the car just said Brad broke her heart.  Oh lord, which loony toon is this?  Hey, it’s the wacky funeral girl… Shawntel!  Oh the crazy is happening in full force tonight.  I do love that she just cruises through the girls like she belongs in the room.  Ben is speechless… Literally.  I’m glad he doesn’t make her feel like a fool.  He does hope the women are gracious & welcoming… That’s hilarious.  There’s not a snowball’s chance in Hell.  They’re pretty much the opposite of gracious & welcoming. Way to yell at her Elyse saying that she even doesn’t know him, especially since she actually does he know him.  At the very least, I’m willing to wager a few bucks that he may know Shawntel a wee bit more than you considering you just spoke to him for a minute for the second time in your life.  And Erika, do shut up with your griping.  You are SO going home tonight whether Shawntel showed up or not.  Have you seen the hairstyle you’re sporting on your head?  And Courtney says this isn’t what she signed up for… Uh, yes, it is.  It’s exactly what you signed up for.  Oh these women are HORRIBLE.

The Rose Ceremony Week 3

Ok, this may actually be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. Shawntel, the late entry, has everyone freaking out. Courtney gets the first rose and accepts with reservations. Whatever... As the roses start to dwindle, the anxiety starts to rise. There is one rose to give and three ladies in waiting; Shawntel, Erika & Jaclyn. It's all too much for them. Erika actually passes out, Jaclyn yells at Shawntel through hysterical tears and Ben decides not to give any of them the rose. This leads to Erika passing out and Jaclyn yelling at Shawntel... again.

Staying:  Rachel, Lindzi, Emily, Courtney, Kacie B, Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S, Blakeley, Monica, Nikki, Samantha

Going:  Erika, Jaclyn and Shawntel

Melissa:  No one gets the final rose – Well played, Ben.  You just saved yourself a mutiny. Erika starts to pass out and needs air.  Are you kidding me??  Don’t make me get my soapbox out… TOO LATE!  Woman up, ya silly girl.  You’re making the rest of our sex look bad right now!  If he doesn’t pick you, he’s just not that into you!!  Wasn’t there a whole book and movie about this very subject?  Get over it and move on.  You’ve known this guy for 3 weeks and MAYBE gone on one date with him as a group.  Are you kidding me??  Don’t blame this on anyone showing up last minute.  If you didn’t have it, own it.  Yes, you want to find love, but no that did not happen… Not meant to be, move along.  I got dumped by a guy after 5 years and I wasn’t as nearly dramatic as any of these lunatics!  I’m about done with these kooky women who get all moved to passing out over someone they’ve known for 3 weeks.  I am appalled.  My eye is twitching I’m so riled.

Rachel:  Courtney accepts her rose with finger wagging.  I wish he would have taken it out of her hand.  And what’s with the hysterics?  Crying, yelling and passing out?  Am I watching Flavor of Love?  Then the final rose gets put back in the coffer and hysteria breaks out again.  DAYUM.  Pull it together ladies.  Seriously.

Bottom Line:

Melissa – Even a last-minute, producer-arranged visit from Shawntel can’t keep Ben from finding his true love.  Off to Park City Utah, next week!

Rachel – Personally, I’d have loved to have seen what would have went down if Shawntel got a rose.  That would be some good TV.  When bachelorettes attack!

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