One Sentence Summary: Ben and his harem head up the coast to Sonoma for the first dates and more meltdowns.
I’m taking the opportunity here to go on a total tangent. This may be a tangent I’ve gone on before… But I can’t be expected to remember everything I pipe off about… Am I the only one that thinks the Weight Watchers spots with Jennifer Hudson are the most annoying spots on TV? They actually make me angry. I don’t know how they made someone generally so likeable so totally unlikeable. But they did and now I’m annoyed as The Bachelor begins. Nothing good can come of this. You’ve all been warned.
Melissa: Week 2 of The Bachelor heads to Sonoma!! I’ll warn all of you I’m on a vacation prep detox at the moment. Plus, I have the nastiest of headaches that began with dizzy spells. Hmmm, could it be my body telling me I should NOT go off the hooch?? Anywho, these bitches had better watch out. I have negative patience tonight. Plus the meds I took for my headache may cause nausea, vomiting, dizziness, shaking, lightheadedness and confusion… Really, it’s the pill equivalent to watching Ben and the ladies.
Melissa: It’s times like this that I really wish I could have gone on the Bachelor to travel and get drunk & stupid in my 20’s. The ladies arrive at their new pad for the next week… I’m all sorts of jealous over this house!!
Rachel: I’m so jealous that they’re in Sonoma. If I had known they were going to be spending time in Wine Country, I would have auditioned for the show. Ok, no I wouldn’t have, but it sounded good. Clearly, I’m too old for this kind of nonsense. However, if they’d like to cast The Cougar and set it in Wine Country, I’m your girl. Just no hot tub shots.
And The Winner Is…
Rachel: Ok, two nits with Miss Kacie already… 1) You’ve known Ben for all of 20 minutes so calling him the “perfect guy” may be a weensie bit premature and 2) It’s romantic, not romannic. Just thought you should know. Alright, let’s get back to hearing Ben talk about his dad some more. While I get that losing his father was devastating, I really feel like they’ve made it a plot device to make us relate to him more and that seems, well, unseemly. BTW, Ben… It’s not the first rose. The first rose went to Lindzi. Just helping you do the math. And aren’t these videos the things you do for your engagement dinner? Not your first date. But no, we had to do it now because we have to continue to ram home the fact that Ben’s dad isn’t with us. It’s so manipulative. It’s actually making me angry. As are her boots with shorts.
Melissa: So, Kacie B gets the first date out of the ladies, which prompts Courtney to share her annoyance with not getting chosen first. Thanks for your sluntiness, sweetie. Sweet fancy Moses she’s a baton twirler! I think I need some wine for all this cheese! Now, I saw a little sneak peak that they go to the movies. No, that is not new slang for the hibibidy-dibidy. They really go see a movie and it brings an up swelling of family joy. Ah, family flashback video montages (because The Bachelor needs more montages). Clearly, Kacie B. is the “family” girl. She gets her rose and thinks she might have found her love of a lifetime.
Group Date Time!
Melissa: I love it. The ladies are subjected to acting like pigs, damsels, and even a weasel… Clearly, some of the girls tank. Even though the ladies begin to panic when they realize they are in horrible outfits, they are really having fun with it… Thankfully for the kids’ sake. But to get all googily over Ben without a shirt? Um, OK… Maybe it’s the drugs, but I don’t get it.
Rachel: Wow, Blakeley. Really? A skin-tight bustier-top romper? When was that outfit a good choice? Maybe if you’re working at the Slut’s County Fair. Ah yeah, let’s humiliate the girls immediately by making them act stupid on a stage. But everyone smile huge because we want to make sure Ben knows how much we just love kids! Really with this play? And really with him half-naked… Not exactly Michael Phelps up there. Oh Ben in a sheep suit is so cute… Oh I just fell more in love with him… Oh Ben is so funny. Gag.
The After Party
Rachel: Now the requisite cocktail party. Good on Rachel & Emily for getting the kiss on the cheek that Ben skipped out on during the play. Very cute. I give them props for doing it together and not fighting for their moment. Wait, did they just call Blakely a cougar? Isn’t she like 34? I’m personally offended. Not that I am a fan of Blakeley or her role as the poor man’s Rachel Uchitel, but a cougar? Just because she wants the rose? And it’s probably not worth spending the night in the bathroom crying over… Talking to you Samantha. Get your ass in gear and get out there. You’re representing the ‘Burgh, dammit! Oh, I like that Jennifer, the ginger weasel, is getting some lip. I like her. She’s my dark horse. And now he’s kissing Blakeley. Apparently, sloppy seconds make her horny. Everyone’s got their something, I guess. But it earned her the rose so I guess working that VIP room taught her something. Ten sets of claws just came out. Watch your back Poor Man’s Rachel Uchitel.
Melissa: Blakeley is ruffling some serious feathers using her VIP cocktail “skills” to try to score her rose. She’s like the bottle girl who says she really likes you but her manager says you need to buy the bottle of Cristal so she can stay and talk. I can’t tell you the number of friends who fell for that one – I’m going out on a limb and saying Ben is no smarter than the others. Damn, getting a little private pool time… By that, I mean there’s some lip action going on in every body of water at this place. Blakeley gets her rose and a significant chill settles over Sonoma.
The Model Fog
Melissa: Courtney continues showcasing how much she loves herself – seriously this girl couldn’t drop a humble brag if her life depended on it! But Courtney gets her date much to the annoyance of the other ladies who really just don’t want to hear her yammer on any more about how awesome she is. I’m thinking at some point she’s going to get bitch slapped, and I’m gonna love it! Ben is hoping that with her it’s more than just skin deep. Shocking, Courtney is single because she was just “doing me” for a while… As if you could ever consider focusing on anything else there, crazy. He’s happy with the date so I’m sure she’ll get the rose. I like watching her while she talks to Ben. You can almost see the wheels spinning to try to figure out how to talk about herself. She gets the rose. Do you think she’ll wake up the house when she gets back to show it to them all? Ew, more kissing. Anyone else excessively skeeved by all the tongues?? Oh, I totally want to see her and Blakeley go at it!!
Rachel: Damn, that Courtney is a bitch. And by bitch, I mean BEATCH. Way to play the demeaning card with the girls. It’s always smart to handle getting a one-on-one date like a total twat. Look, I get that it’s not about making new girlfriends, but have a sense of respect for other human beings. LOL… Yeah I just heard that. Is it just me or does Courtney talk like she’s on maybe half a Xanax? Not a full, but definitely a half. Ben wonders if she’s too good to be true… Let’s think for a minute here… Um yeah. Especially with the stereotypical model lament: Oh no one asks me out on dates. Shaddup. He’s now repeated the “too good to be true” at least 4 times now. Kiddies, this is what we call a set-up. But Ben’s hooked and taking Jesse Metcalfe’s sloppy seconds. Yes, that’s what Google is for. Can’t wait to hear his feedback on her.
The War Of The Roses
Rachel: Alright, I have to admit that I do like that Ben makes it a point to spend time with the girls that didn’t get dates. Wait, does anyone else think that Lindzi looks like Lauren Conrad & Christine Taylor-Stiller’s love child? Meanwhile, Hurricane Blakeley continues to blow through the house. “Stealing” one-on-one time when she already has a rose is a big fat no-no. Then she pushes for another one-on-one… The girls should calm down. She’s starting to smell like desperation. That’s never pretty and tends to be a man repellent. Oh my, Jenna, how is it you can’t form one coherent sentence? Seriously, nothing you say makes any sense. You’re a boy but you’re a girl but you’re not… Okaaaay. There’s seriously a few cards missing from her deck. And now Blakeley’s crying… My goodness the river of tears is getting deep. I don’t know why women don’t get how this game is played yet. If you’re going to be aggressive you need to be able to handle the backlash… I believe it’s called the “Vienna Rule”. If Ben had half a brain, he’d go screaming out of the house never to return.
Melissa: Lindzey (I don’t have the energy to pause and get the correct spelling for her name) seems to be making another good impression on Ben. I still like her and hope she stays. I’m about done with Blakeley and her trying to steal more time. That’s just rude… We get it. You’re the bottle girl. You have to keep working the mark. I swear, she’s gonna get cut by one of these crazies. YES, Jenna gets some time!! Oh, she has a battle going on in her head. Is THAT why she’s crazy? The voices in her head? Are they like dueling banjos? Meanwhile, the ladies kick up their Blakeley bashing and of course she’ll play it to her advantage. She sets herself up perfectly to be found in “tears” by Ben… Yet her makeup is perfect – how does that work there folks?
The Rose Ceremony Week 2
Staying: Kacie B., Blakeley, Courtney, Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nikki, Casey S, Samantha, Monica, Jamie, Brittney
Going: Jenna and Shawn
Melissa: Jenna goes home?! What’s wrong with you producers?! Jenna and a bottle of vino is just good TV!! She’s in shock that she’s going home. Um, maybe if you didn’t always sound like a drunk fool every time you talked to him, maybe you would have made another round.
Rachel: This has been a slow form of torture tonight with all the crying. And I’m a cryer. Well, sending Jenna home is not a surprise. Sending Shawn home is. I blame the hair. Jenna may need an intervention specialist to escort her home. I’m not even joking…
Melissa – Yep there was nausea, dizziness, shaking, lightheadedness and confusion… All attributed to this week’s episode.
Rachel – Wow, all that happens next week? Damn, bringing the drama early.