One Sentence Summary: Bravo knows dinner parties are “where the magic happens” and tonight’s don’t disappoint.
Melissa: So this week Kim finally arrives to Hawaii with Ken and maybe a chip on her shoulder? A chip for what, I don’t know, because at this point we all know she’s been to rehab and released. Anyway, I’m interested to see how Kyle handles Kim’s Ken and his attitude.
Rachel: I have to admit that now that Taylor has announced she’s leaving Russell and as the show continues, I get more and more nervous knowing what’s coming. I know we’re all snarky and smart-assed about this show and their asinine behavior, but we’re also still keenly aware that someone is driven to take their own life. I’d have to be totally dead inside to not have some reaction to that. And being that I’m only half dead inside, I do actually feel somewhat queasy about the situation at hand. Good thing there’s a lot of crazy Kim and her bizarre boyfriend/fiancee/secret husband Ken to distract us.
Melissa: Paul and Adrienne on a nice day out hiking through the bluffs. I’ve said it before, I just like them as a couple. They are normal. You know what I mean – “Housewives Normal”.
Rachel: Ok, I think Paul & Adrienne are actually being super cute. I like seeing them be nice to each other. And honestly, this season has really made me like Paul. Even though he contributes to the zombie-fication of women in LA, he seems like he’s got a pretty good head on his shoulders. Well, and he could always have it surgically altered if he didn’t.
Rachel: Oh look who finally decided to show up! And she’s next door to Kyle. Hilarious. I like that Kyle’s sneaking around so she can’t hear her. Aren’t they on the same trip? Isn’t the reason she has been crazed about getting Kim to Hawaii to spend Mauricio’s birthday together? Holy dysfunctional family. I do love that Mauricio could care less about the drama happening around him and just would like to ply his wife with alcohol. Happy birthday to him. BTW, all I can think when I see Kyle put her face against the wall is, “She’s going to leave make-up marks everywhere.” Does that make me OCD?
Melissa: While Kim and Ken arrive at the hotel we’re treated to Mauricio topless… I mean I can do without Kyle in a towel, but Hi there, Mauricio… Nice to see you my friend! How awkward would it be to have the room attached to your sister? I’ll just toss a “yikes” and that’s all I can say.
Sunset Dinner and Some Fireworks
Melissa: Mauricio’s birthday dinner overlooking the ocean… SO beautiful! Too bad Kim’s excuses don’t make sense to anyone. No license, expired license, Ken working, whatever… Mauricio will get to the bottom of it, it’s his birthday and he’ll pry if he wants to. I really don’t understand the big issue and need to change the story, other than you’re just crazy. OK, you know it hurts me to say this, but I do sort of feel for Kyle and the weight of Kim’s craziness. You all know I prefer to snark on Kyle, but I can’t imagine always having to worry which Kim is going to show up and being torn between defending her sister and wanting to crawl under a rock when she gets all revved up with crazy. Hang on now, where did that come from?
Rachel: I think it’s mandatory for Brandi’s dresses to all be one exaggerated gesture away from a wardrobe malfunction. There’s a nip slip waiting to happen at every turn. But the real indecent exposure is Kim out in public with her mania. So now they’re late because Ken had to work which is easier to say than she lost her license… which she already said. It’s like a warehouse full of cuckoo clocks going off at the same time when Kim is around. I’m gonna take a wild leap here and go with Ken may be on the hooch too. And is his skin actually gray?
The Girl Who Cried… And Cried… And Cried…
Rachel: The talk of Taylor being the boy who cried wolf begins… And yes, I used the exact same phrase last week, but yikes. Granted hindsight is 20/20 and I’d probably be at the table saying the same thing. It’s hard to hear someone constantly bitch & moan about something but never do anything about it. Look, we’ve all been “stuck” (hand raised high in the air over here… raised & waving actually), but Taylor has taken the drama and involvement of her friends to new heights. They must all feel sick watching this now, but I can’t blame any of them for reacting the way they did.
Melissa: While the group tries to break down the Taylor / Russell split, it seems no one wants to wager if it’s a true split or just Taylor’s drama du jour.
The 3 Hour Tour
Melissa: Really, I don’t get why they even invited Kim along. Clearly, she wants nothing to do with anyone on this trip. Maybe she should have just chilled in her laundry room eating Cheetos (I’m sure in her “state” she thought she was on an island somewhere) like we’ve witnessed in the past. I do appreciate they left without them. That’s just insulting to do to your friends making them wait on you.
Rachel: Are Kyle & Lisa really sneaking into Kim’s room? LMAO… Lisa’s ass got stuck. That’s why I don’t climb walls. Or rocks. I don’t need anyone having to pry my ass out of a crevice. I can’t believe they waited for Kim. I’d have been halfway across the ocean by now. And even after all that, they still miss the bus??? Unreal. And it’s because the wake-up calls don’t actually ring the phone? Set your cell phone like everyone else living in the 21st century! Well, Kim & Ken will just go back to the hotel and snort crushed muscle relaxers off of each other. Woohoo! The 70s are calling, Kim, and they want their Quaaludes back!
The Truth And Nothing But…
Rachel: Yeah, Ken you tell her. The only person that can disrespect Kim is you. He’s not going to take jabs and that’s the truth. Jesus, this is like Syd & Nancy go to Hawaii.
Melissa: OK, so it seems Ken is not going to stand for anyone attacking Kim and he’ll demand respect for her. Answer me this… Do both of them always sound slurry or is it just me?
Brandi The Bod
Melissa: Back on the Trilogy VI the ladies continue to marvel at Brandi’s body. Well, I’ll join in – I don’t know what the hell she does, but she’s rocking yet another bikini!
A Glimpse Of Taylor
Melissa: Taylor stops over Dana’s for lunch because she has no other friends. I have to say, I like the Dana that isn’t always label dropping. I mean she had to ask her chef what she was eating, but I’ll let that slide.
Rachel: I guess Dana unpacked her suitcase and realized she wasn’t going on the trip. So now she can be there for Taylor who literally said all her friends are in Hawaii, but Dana’s been her friend for a while so that’ll work. Well, when in need… At least Taylor gets that her behavior has been off the charts crazy. And I have to give Dana her due, she actually is supportive and kind to Taylor. Well, will wonders never cease?
From The Shadows He Lurks
Melissa: Ken the lurker is at it again, this time going after Adrienne and Paul who are actually just being nice and friendly. Yeah Ken, THAT will help them think your normal – why not just start talking to yourself in a foreign language as well!
Rachel: Woo… Seems Ken took a little something that’s making him a wee bit paranoid. Cool your jets there Ken. It’s just the voices in your head.
Dinner Time. Pull Up A Chair For Some Tension
Rachel: Hey Kim, it’s MauriciO… Not Maurice. He’s not one of the Gibb brothers. Although they really didn’t need to start at the dinner table. These people really have no ability to comprehend the concept of “time and place”. Granted, I’m down with everything Mauricio is saying… but maybe after dinner. But Ken puts a fine point on all of it with an “I don’t care.” Well, that’s gonna go over well. And Kyle you just gave them what they wanted… An excuse to leave. I mean Bravo bought them a trip to Hawaii. They don’t give a shit about the birthday. Come on. Someone listen to Lisa… and Brandi… You can’t fix Kim’s behavior until you fix Kim’s addiction. It’s like fighting a losing battle. Stop trying to rationalize irrational behavior. I honestly don’t even think Kim is coherent enough to process anything being said to her. She’s really humming at her own frequency…. I just wish she’d stop clothes shopping at that frequency.
Melissa: Dinner again looks amazing, I need to get invited to one of these Housewives dinners! Then again I’m sure I would be the only one who eats. OK, I know I just felt bad for Kyle, but now I need to tell her she needs to chill and just let it go and allow the rest of the people enjoy their time in Hawaii… Look Kyle, shots! Have one and relax. We get you’re upset and think your sister crazy, but everyone else is right. There’s nothing you can do to change her.
Melissa: Talk about wasted fun in the sun, and I still want Brandi’s body.
Rachel: Again, bring on the reunion. I just can’t wait to see Kim be confronted about her behavior. Don’t you go easy on her, Andy!