One Sentence Summary: The Atlanta ladies are back from their holiday break and there’s trouble in Paradise for Peter & Cynthia.
Melissa: I’m so happy my Atlanta ladies are back! Thankfully, they are giving us a jam-packed week to make up for taking them away from us for so long. Oh yeah, and somewhere in there Kim is going to try to exercise. No really, I saw pictures!! Hopefully they bring it this week because I’m doing a pre-vacation detox and I’ll have little patience with foolishness this week.
Rachel: Personally, I feel like the Atlanta Housewives went away for too long as I’ve lost the momentum needed to continue to care. I mean nothing for what 3 weeks? See, I don’t even care enough to look it up. I’m of the MTV generation. Super short attention span here, people. You don’t keep me engaged, I’m off to other things. And by other things, I mean other reality shows which are equally responsible for rotting my brain.
One Down, One To Go
Rachel: Oh that Ayden is cute. Phaedra & Apollo made a pretty baby. Yippee, we’re back to the funeral home! You pulled me back in RHOA. Good call starting with Phaedra and her plans to fabulize the funeral experience. At least, she’s got a built-in minister in her mother. Now to get Apollo on board. I’m thinking that’s gonna be a long shot. I’ll come work for you Phaedra. I’ll… um… Ooh, can I drive one of the musical hearses? You don’t have to actually load or unload do you?
Melissa: Ayden in seer sucker pants! I want to eat him!! Sorry, but if someone in my family would come to me and say let’s go into the funeral business, they would get a big old HELL NO. Funerals Worth Dying for even… Really Phaedra?? Though I do kind of want to take a road trip and check out Willie Watkins (I really want to call him Willy Wonka every time they mention him) and see what he’s all about.
When In Doubt, Salsa
Melissa: Wait, Peter really ditched The Bailey Agency opening… HE SERIOUSLY LEFT?? Without saying goodbye? Really? Wow, that’s cold Peter!! Way to show support for your lady! Here I thought you were just outside sneaking a cigarette. Way to completely douche out… I mean walk out on your wife.
Rachel: Yes, salsa dancing lessons are how you make it up to your wife for leaving her party early and totally humiliating her in front of friends, family & colleagues. And really, what better setting to have a discussion on the state of your marriage than in a dance studio. Hmm… the car ride over wasn’t a better idea? Or maybe in the house before the car ride? Peter thinks because he doesn’t “like” to say good-bye he can just bail on his wife at parties? What the hell is that? Uh, no. And when his response is, that if this “train” isn’t right for her, she can get off at the next station, she needs to up and walk out the door. Then again, she is sitting with her back to him so she has to basically do a 180 to even acknowledge him. Body language much? Should be a fun lesson for that teacher!
The Nuclear Family
Rachel: Uh, Kim, you mean to tell me the only thing you had in your house that wasn’t peed on by your child was a full-length gown? So ridiculous. And wow, that’s some attitude coming off of Brielle. Let me tell you how long that would have lasted with my parents. I wouldn’t have seen a wall that wasn’t part of the inside of my bedroom for a good two weeks. Easy. And the bedroom would not have a functioning TV, phone or computer (as if those existed in my day). I get that she’s acting out for reasons beyond that she’s just 14, but she needs discipline. You can’t look at your child and say it’s your fault for babying her and then let her “peace out” in a fit of snottiness.
Melissa: Back to Kim’s new casa… My goodness, those boobs are insane!! Woman put those things away!! I really don’t understand this family dynamic. I mean I was a complete smart ass when I was Brielle’s age, but I wasn’t full on talk-to-the-hand-while-I-walk-away rude. I mean I could have tried, but that would have scored me losing my phone and the car keys and the ability to see the light of day for 2 weeks. For real, Rachel can back me up on that one. I seriously can not stand these bratty kids the Housewives have!! Is it in their contract? Paragraph 47 line 8 – You must become a complete and total brat after x number of episodes.
She’s A Little Bit Country
Melissa: Kandi is off to Nashville to write at Jo Dee Messina’s house – ’cause that’s what you do when you want to break into country music right? I have to say I am so in awe of Kandi’s ability to just rock out without music or anything more than her knuckle tapping. I mean don’t get me wrong, I rock out, but it’s in the car when I can drown myself with the radio. I love Kandi, but I’m not getting her country vibe yet.
Rachel: I think I love that Kandi is trying to do country music. And I love that she’s doing it with Jo Dee Messina. I hope they rock it out… er, country it out? I personally don’t quite get the love of the country music. It just seems like the same three songs over and over, but I’m still excited for Kandi.
Atlanta Peace Talks
Rachel: Oh my, NeNe’s “switch” is so severe, she’s risking a dislocated hip. Seriously woman, take it all down a notch before you hurt yourself. And now, she’s meeting with Marlo whom she is “supposively” has beef with. But she’s going to set the record straight because she liked what she saw at the Bailey Agency. More like she liked her giving Kim crap about Big Poppa. What’s that saying? Oh yeah, my enemy’s enemy is my friend. Indeed. And what on earth is Marlo wearing? It’s like she took a little girl’s pageant dress and made a shirt. Wait, the super fabulous Marlo was in jail? Well, that doesn’t fall into the “ladies who lunch” category. That’s a serious skeleton in the closet.
Melissa: “Supposively”… No you didn’t NeNe! Maybe it’s the fact that I’m all detox-angry but I have ZERO patience for her this week, even her voice is grating on my nerves. Wait, <screeeeech> Marlo has been arrested 7 times?? 6 months in county jail? How did I not know this?? I get it now – since Marlo has a “past” and NeNe has a “past” they are instant friends – shopping pals. Oy! Maybe I should forgo the detox for the night, just to make it through any further NeNe scenes
Melissa: Shereé comes to Kim’s new pad under the guise of yoga and juicing (no, not steroids) to get Kim fit and tour the house. I really don’t see Kim sticking with this, not when she can spend her man’s money to go to the doctor and get a nip and a tuck. I’m sorry Shereé, I have to step in. Don’t say it’s one of the better ones as if it all tastes bad. You can juice and have it be delish… Don’t insult the kale! OK, what the hell just came over me? I know I’m detoxing, but am I really talking about juicing and smoothies? Damn, we need to move along now, and maybe see what we have open in the kitchen.
Rachel: What exactly is Sheree teaching Kim? Is that really exercising? And did Sheree run out of storyline since her case got delayed? She must have because I can’t come up with another reason we just had to watch this scene. I guess there is a one-scene minimum for each cast member per episode.
Fluid In. Blood Out.
Rachel: Poor Apollo looks like he’s about to puke… or pass out… or puke and then pass-out. Phaedra really wants this to be a family business, so she won’t pull the trigger if Apollo isn’t going to be around to help lift the heavy bodies. Dammit, Apollo get your ass on board because I want Phaedra on that funeral! I need Phaedra on that funeral! She’s much more entertaining in this setting than in the law offices. Pretty please, Apollo! Give that sugar mama of yours what she wants.
Melissa: Ah, Willie Wonka is going to try to help guide Apollo down… Well, I really want to say Death Row, but that seems horribly inappropriate. Let’s get him on-board the Death Train – it’s like the Love Train, but the passengers are dead. Sorry, I don’t have a lot to work with here folks. Can anyone else see the goose flesh growing on Apollo?? Poor guy. OK, about now, I’m starting to get a little nauseated with talk of tools and tubes! Moving on!
A Little Giddy Up
Melissa: Yep, that’s how you go “Country”; a hat and some boots… Now you’re legit!
Rachel: Officially the first two black people ever to set foot in that store. Guarantee it.
Save The Planet, Buy Jewelry!
Rachel: Another dubious fashion choice by Marlo. That outfit looks like something Dana (RHOBH) would have put together as a decoration at one of her game nights. That or it could have been a school project at the local kindergarten. Make mommy a pretty dress from these bathroom rugs and leftover Christmas tinsel. My goodness it’s bad. NeNe says she doesn’t know how to go green unless it it’s green money. My Prius-driving, crazy-recycling, no-plastic-bag-using self just gasped in self-righteous disgust… Though I’m not really surprised. Screech… I’m sorry… Did NeNe just refer to the Dalai Lama as “The Italian”? Wow… I’m actually speechless. I mean… wow. That’s really a special kind of stupid… no, not stupid. Ignorant. Yes, a special kind of ignorant. Go NeNe. No really. Go.
Melissa: Heehee… Oh NeNe, your stupidity knows no bounds!! I kinda don’t like this “dynamic duo” and might need to start a petition to have either one removed from the show. While I’m talking about things I don’t like, why must people fawn all over NeNe like she’s Marie Curie?? The woman married well… THAT’S IT!! She’s mean and unnecessarily rude otherwise. Why the love? She’s just going to make a rude comment behind your back after insulting the Dalai Lama.
Butter Me Up
Melissa: Aw, Apollo stops in with flowers for his lady. SO sweet! Um, Phaedra honey, you can’t dirty talk death. It’s just nasty. I don’t know what kind of kink goes on in that house, but he’s on-board now.
Rachel: Look at Apollo with the roses and hot kisses in the middle of the day. I do love that he thinks all those dead spirits will “taint” him. And his face when she says he has to wear a hat is priceless. But our fearless Phaedra appeals to his deeper sensibilities… women. Way to work it Phaedra, feed that ego. But Apollo’s in and it’s Funerals by Phaedra! Good man, Apollo, helping fulfill your lady’s dreams. Someone’s getting lucky tonight! Now, I can’t stop singing “It’s a family affaaaair!”
Last Chance Express
Melissa: Cynthia and Peter are off to talk to their Pastor to “fix” their relationship. Don’t make me get out the therapy soapbox, you two. You know what would make this scene better? A glass of wine. I’m just sayin’ this stuff is so much easier to take a few glasses in. OK, now I’ll be able to sleep at night. Peter and Cynthia are going to try to work on things, though I really don’t think either really wants to but they love that “Power Couple” title.
Rachel: It’s time for marriage counseling with the pastor. They keep saying their problem is communication but I’m thinking it’s more like she doesn’t actually like Peter. No communication will fix that. When Cynthia tells Peter, by request of the pastor, what she loves about Peter, it’s all in the past tense “I loved”, “you were”, “I was attracted”. See how I caught that. Contextual clues, people. She loved that he’s smarter than her and does stuff he says he’s going to do. Be still my beating heart. Then it’s Peter’s turn… He says they’re here because of the things he doesn’t like about her. Wow, that’s rough. Suddenly, Cynthia’s declaration seems like the stuff Fabio-covered romance novels are made of. Girl, you need to take that wig of yours and hoof it on out of there right quick. Finally, Peter does open up… Not bad, but you’re already in the dog house. And yes, the love should always outweigh the negatives but that’s a loooot of negative. Boy, Peter makes it hard to like him.
Melissa: I have learned that, when there are Housewives, there is no chance for detox.
Rachel: Give Phaedra her own show already!