Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Week 17: Leis and Lies in Lanai

One Sentence Summary:  Everyone, except Taylor, heads to Hawaii for Mauricio’s birthday, but Taylor still finds a way to “be there”.

Is a free trip to Hawaii really worth all this drama? Gonna need a lot more Xanax.

Our Thoughts:

Melissa:  Well, it’s the fallout from the party diss and the trip to Hawaii.  I don’t know about the rest of you out there, but I’m hoping Mauricio gets some topless airtime… cause in the grand scheme of RHO husbands… Mauricio is mighty fine.

Rachel:  Oh, another Bravo-sactioned trip, but this time the husbands are invited.  These “vacations” crack me up because you know if this was happening in “real life” Brandi would not have been invited.  Honestly, Kim probably wouldn’t have been invited either.  Personally, if I were on RHOBH, I’d be talking to the producers about getting ourselves a riad in Morocco or a safari in Africa.  Come on guys, shouldn’t they be getting to go embarrass Americans in a foreign locale like their Housewives counterparts?   Hawaii is used to crazy Mainlanders and there’s no language barrier to create kooky situations in which only the Housewives can find themselves.  But alas, I guess we’ll have to settle for Hawaii and the terrible “lei” jokes we’re, no doubt, bound to hear. 

Dismissal Debrief

The White Party continues without Taylor and Russell, not that any of us are surprised. While Taylor and Russell lick their wounds & plot the rest of their weekend, the rest of the crew discusses the events leading up to this moment so as to justify kicking their friend out of a party. The reality here is that if Taylor's "closest friends" have no idea what the truth is, we certainly haven't even begun to scratch the surface.

Melissa:  I have to wonder if Taylor is freaking out a bit with the stories coming back and biting her on the ass.  Seriously, it’s getting so confusing to try to understand what might be truth and what might just be someone needing drama in their life.  So the party continues and I seriously think I need to have an anti-white party… like a purple party.  Don’t challenge me people I made my New Years guests don horrible 80s ensembles.

Rachel:  This whole sneak peek thing is confusing me especially when we “peeked” a over a week ago & I’m halfway through a bottle of Layer Cake Primitivo.  I thought I was having some past memory moment facilitated by too much wine, but alas, no.  Just Bravo screwing with me.  Anywho, here we are with the White Party fallout.  Taylor has changed her story so many times it’s hard to believe anything at this point.  I mean even her “best friends” are sitting around (in ball gowns mind you) looking at each other in confusion.  But really, didn’t we all learn the lesson of the Little Boy That Cried Wolf in kindergarten?  The limo ride just makes this whole thing even more confusing.  But ah well, let’s have a Fatburger and all will be well in the world.  Actually, that is true.  I prefer the turkey burger with some fat fries but I’m pretty sure the hamburger makes the world a better place as well.

Well, Alrighty Then

As the party gets back into full swing, Kim & Ken get the heat going on the dance floor. Seeing this makes Kyle wish she were still outside fighting with Taylor as it was infinitely more pleasant than watching this.

Rachel:  Ah Ken, the lurker. You always have to be scared of the lurker.  And the only thing I like less at a party than a mariachi band, is PDA… And any report of me ever engaging in PDA at a party is clearly made-up to sully my stellar and pristine reputation.

Melissa:  OK, I have to agree with Kyle on the Kim/Ken dancing – Ugh.  That’s just not necessary.

Tell Ken To Stop Rubbing Me On His Chest

So since Taylor and Russell aren’t going to Hawaii, Lisa contemplates whether Giggy can have her seat. In the meantime, in an effort to distract Lisa from obsessing about leaving the dog behind, Ken tells her about his run-in with Cedric who has now become a Life Coach. Everyone gets a good chuckle out of that.

Rachel:  I do love that Lisa rocks a robe that looks like she stole it from the Dynasty wardrobe room.  It’s big, pink, feathery and fabulous!  But I do love that Ken ran into Cedrick and he’s a Life Coach.  That’s awesome.  I’d like to wave my magic wand and imagine myself a new career.  Alakazam! I’m Philosopher To The Stars!  Bam!  And it shall be done.

We’re Leaving On A  Jet Plane

As everyone arrives at the airport ready to head to Hawaii for Maurcio's birthday, there is one person painfully absent... And no, we're not talking about Taylor. We're talking about Kim. Once again, Kim can't make it to an airport in time to catch a flight. This time it's because her driver's license is expired and she can't find her passport. Needless to say, Kyle's not happy, but not surprised.

Melissa:  It’s trip time as all the ladies roll up on the airport.  Kim as usual is running late – wonder if she’ll blame power loss again.

Rachel:  That’s a lot of LV luggage/purses happening.  I didn’t realize Louis Vuitton was sponsoring this trip to Hawaii.  They probably didn’t either.  I find it hilarious that Kim in MIA… I find it even more hilarious that anyone actually expected her to have her shit together enough to get to the airport.  Wait, her driver’s license is expired, yet we just saw her driving, what, two episodes ago?  And really, can we all agree NOW that she has a chemical dependency issue?  Do we really need to see any more?


Back to therapy again to discuss the email. This time, Russell isn't there to defend his actions. Her therapist thinks it's time she realizes that Russell's never going to own his behavior and lays down the tough love. Um, interesting that she never mentions that she may have provoked some of the response. Sigh. We're all exhausted too, Taylor.

Rachel:  Back to the osteopath playing shrink.  Oh wait, they got his degree right this time.  So, after Taylor’s horrible behavior towards Camille, Russell is the asshole for being horrible to Camille?  I mean the whole thing is a mess, and I don’t necessarily think Russell was an angel, but for the love of all that is holy, put up or shut up and please please PLEASE take some ownership for your behavior!

Melissa:  Oh, Taylor and therapy (yeah, you all know how I feel about therapy sessions)!  At least she’s surprised by Russell’s threats toward Camille (though if he’s the evil person she tells everyone, she shouldn’t be surprised).  Finally, the doc tells her at least it’s time for a tough decision.

She Ain’t Heavy.  She’s My Sister.

Being that Kyle is so accepting of Kim's choices, she clearly is seen here reacting well to Kim missing the plane. Seems it's Ken's fault... Mostly just because Kyle says it is. Meanwhile, Brandi takes a page from Kim's book and pops herself a Xanax so she's none-the-wiser that anything is going on around her... At all... Like the scary looking puddle jumper Mauricio chartered to get them from Oahu to Lanai.

Melissa:  I swear, having her as a sister must be like herding cats!   I mean I have a few bijiggity friends, but she’s off the charts.  Then again, Brandi drugging herself and speaking… maybe she’s channeling Kim.

Rachel:  Yeah, see, here’s the thing.  Kim’s already flying high. She doesn’t need an airplane to help her get any altitude.  And I love that it’s Ken’s fault somehow that she missed the flight.  Unless Ken’s real name is Percocet, then it’s probably not his fault.  OK, I’ve seen puddle jumpers before but this is hilarious… especially when your wife is paralyzed with fear of flying.  Apparently, Kim would have been in good company had she made it as Brandi’s three sheets to the wind too.  Oh boy, here comes the diarrhea of the mouth.  Good thing Brandi’s cast is off.  Should make it easier for her to get that foot in her pie hole.

Sunset Cocktails

Time for sunset cocktails and a still Xanax’d Brandi who takes to pawing all over Ken. Hmmm, let’s see how many ways she can cross the line and piss off the other ladies.

Melissa:  You have to wonder if Brandi really just likes pushing buttons or if it’s something else… Pssst, if you’re looking for a Sugar Daddy, don’t try to score him with his wife a foot away.  She may not take too kindly to it.

There’s Genetics And Then There’s The Genetics Lottery…

We don't mean to feed into the obsession with skinny pervading this country, but we can't help but wish we had Brandi's body to rock that teeny-weeny-ain't-no-room-for-a-polka-dot bikini. Back at the hotel, Paul has finally arrived in Lanai after having to take a later flight. He tells Adrienne that Kim made it on the LA-Oahu leg of the trip but somehow missed the flight to Lanai. After some co-eye-rolling with Adrienne, he reminds her they're on vacation and suggest they stay in and make their own waves.

Rachel:  Oh boy, poor Paul always gets stuck with the crazy that is Kim.  But riddle me this…  How the hell do you make it all the way to Honolulu and then miss your flight to Lanai?  I mean that’s a special kind of stupid.  Come on Adrienne, loosen up and give Paul a little somethin’ somethin’.

Yeah, I’m gonna just say for the record, that I do not at this time, nor any other in the future, want to be at a pool with Brandi.  Clearly, it’s because I wouldn’t want to show her up.  I mean was there any question?  I do love Lisa’s sense of humor about the whole thing.   She definitely makes me laugh.  Yes, I’ll be hanging with her over in the “I keep my caftan on by choice” section of the pool with a frosty fruity cocktail.

Melissa:  Seems Kim didn’t fly all the way with Paul, she’s “on the later flight”.  WOW, we are also treated to Brandi’s redic body… I want to hate her, really I do, but at the end of the day I wish I could rock that bikini like that.

Na, Na, Na, Na… Na, Na, Na, Na… Hey, Hey, Hey… 

Taylor, who apparently has no friends in LA, calls the ladies on their vacation to tell them she has finally decided to leave Russell. In fact, he's moving out the next weekend. While the news isn't shocking to any of us, it floors Kyle and Lisa. Guess not being invited to Hawaii was the last straw.

Melissa:  WOW, Taylor pulled the trigger and Russell is moving out.  Granted we knew this was going to happen, but way to bring everyone’s vacation to a screeching halt for everyone actually enjoying themselves.  I get she’s upset, but can’t she call Dana and leave the ladies to relax?

Rachel:  Speaking of Dana, how mad is she that she’s not on this trip?  She probably had her bags packed and was waiting by the door with her million-dollar diamond-encrusted passport holder for that last-minute invite.  But that’s not why we’re here… Look, as much as I like to take point with Taylor, that seemed like a very calm and reasoned explanation.  Being all the drama that led up to this moment, it feels very… so that happened.  Sadly, we all know how this story ends and it’s a very sad moment knowing that it is also the end of someone’s life.  Anyone else feeling uncomfortable?

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  I wish I had Brandi’s bottom line.

Rachel:  I think we’ve entered the portion of the season where things just get more & more uncomfortable.  Stock up on wine, kiddies.  The ride’s about to get bumpy.


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