The Bachelor Season 16, Week 1 – Ben’s Back

One Sentence Summary:  Ben Flajnik is back as the 16th Bachelor looking for love among this season’s crop of bananas… er, ladies.

Ben and his hair are back to find love and avenge his broken heart at the hands of the evil Ashley.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  I could barely keep my eyes open when Ben was on-camera on the Bachelorette so I’m not very hopeful about this season when it’s all Ben, all the time.  So, I’m hoping ABC went out and fished us some crazies to get this season cracking.  Otherwise, I may have found the cure to my insomnia issues. Win-win, no?  I also cannot seem to remember Ben’s last name and just keep wanting to call him Ben Flapjack.  Close enough, right?  Closer than my partner-in-sass who was convinced he was Ben C. until I asked if how to pronounce his last name about an hour ago.  And I got to ask her live and in person because I am still camped out at the Northern Jersey offices where we are celebrating the return of this “lovefest” with warm chocolate molten cakes and a Layer Cake Primitivo!  Not enough words for delicious.  That’s right, no New Years resolutions about diet will be started with these here Winey Bitches until we’re separated by force at the airport tomorrow.

Melissa:  The only saving grace to the premier of this season’s Bachelor is having my partner in crime at my side and a molten chocolate cake and a glass (OK, fine the whole bottle) of Layer Cake’s Primitivo in front of me.  Apparently I’ve been having a full on blonde moment thinking Mr. Yawn here was Ben C… Oops!  Though, full disclosure, I barely learn their names through the course of a season.  What I would like to question is why ABC can’t find any new talent for their Bachelor(ette) seasons any more?  I mean, let’s be honest, Ben barely registered on my radar and he makes wine for a living… Granted that carried him through the ENTIRE show, but that’s barely enough to give him his own show.  I think the next Bachelorette should be the most cuckoo banana they could find from a previous season (Yeah, you all know your favorites!!) and pass around a rumor the one who gets the girl also gets a quarter mil (we’ve witnessed what these folks will do for $250K)… I mean, let’s kick it up ABC!!

The Ranking System

What would a premiere be without Two Winey Bitches getting all Judge Judy up on these girls?  And to drive home the point of how we really feel about the ladies, we have created our own ranking system based on what each lady would be worthy of us pouring for them should they stop by our homes for a glass of wine…  And you know we don’t mess around with our wine.  Here are the ranks:

  • We’d Open A Bottle of Bubbly – The highest of honors
  • We’d Grab A Decent Bottle– You don’t quite rank in the land of the bubbly but we’d share something nice with you.
  • We’d See What We Already Had Open – Hey, you might get lucky and something fab is on the counter but you’re not getting a fresh bottle.
  • We’d Offer You Boone’s Farm – Hey, you’re lucky we didn’t shut the lights off and pretend we weren’t home.

Questions?  No?  Good.  Shall we begin?

And So It Begins Again…

Ben Montage

Season 16 of The Bachelor starts with the ubiquitous montage of our hero, Mr. Ben Flajnik. From having to relive his humiliating exit last season in the "I Got Dumped" Dinghy to gratuitous muscle shots to voiceovers during deep reflective moments, we are reintroduced to the current object of desire.

Melissa – Wonder if he’ll cut his hair for the show.

Rachel – So he looks like Alfred E. Newman again?  He had the floppy hair on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve, so I doubt it.  I just hope we get to watch him on the sad dinghy boating past Ashley…  And here we go! Let’s start with humiliating him all over again until we segue into how he’s recovered via the ubiquitous muscle shots.

Melissa – Well, you gotta have the “eye candy”. (blech)

Rachel – Gag. I guess he didn’t get that underbite fixed in the off-season.

Melissa – Bwahahahaha… Well, given he couldn’t even make it to Great Clips for that mop…

Rachel – True dat… I hear he’s gotten cocky in the interim, which is good because maybe it won’t be so painfully boring watching him.

The Most Everything Season Ever

In case everyone has forgotten how the show works, Chris Harrison is here to remind us and tell us that we're in for the most dramatic/exciting/shocking/upsetting/emotional Bachelor season in history.

Rachel – “Deep Thoughts” by Chris Harrison

Melissa – Really, most raw and emotional moments??

Rachel – Do you think he gets a bonus every time he speaks in hyperbole?

Melissa – LOL… If so, he’d be the richest man in America.  Can we get to the ladies already?  So far it’s been the most boring season in Bachelor history.

Rachel – I’m sayin… Oh, here we go…

The Girls – Round 1

Lyndzi C

First up on the docket is Lyndzi C., 27, who loves horses... but her claim to fame is that she was dumped via text message. That is cold... Especially since the text read, "Babe, welcome to Dumpsville... population YOU." Rough... and bad punctuation to boot.

Melissa – Lindzi… really?? With a z??

Rachel – For that, she immediately gets demoted a level.

Melissa – Damn! Now, dumping via text is HARSH!!

Rachel – Yeow!  That’s worse than a post-it note.  So, let’s wait and rank them all when they get out of the limo… Even playing field… ish.

Melissa – OK, but I’m pre-judging.

Rachel – I would expect nothing less.

Amber T.

Amber T, 29, likes herself a gun, a crossbow and eating fried animal testicles. She says she's a tomboy... Ya think?

Melissa – I’m drinking with any girl with a shot gun.

Rachel – I wonder if she’s a Republican?

Melissa – Beef nuts!!  That’s kind of awesome.

Rachel – She scares me.  You’re scaring me a little bit right now.  Who’s next?

Kacie B.

Next is Kacie B, 24, who realized Ben is her dream man when she was watching the Bachelorette. She knows this because they're both goofy. Hey, relationships have been based on less.

Melissa – OK, wait… who watches television thinking “Oh, that’s someone I’d date”??

Rachel – Um, not me.  Although I do watch Christian Bale and think that’s someone I’d date.  She is too bubbly and she makes the heart sign with her hands…  I think she’d make a good match with Happy Ryan from last season. They could get married and have little heart hand babies.

Courtney, 28

Next up, Courtney, 28, a model who isn't worried about the competition since there really is no competition when it comes to her. She also looks great in diamond rings; 2-carat minimum, of course.

Melissa – Don’t like the model.

Rachel – Yeah, I’m done with her.

Melissa – And now she gets the Boone’s… from the back of the cabinet.

Rachel – Yep, but we’re not pre-judging.

Melissa – Obviously.

Jamie, 25

Jamie, 25, grew up with a mom who struggled to support her & her siblings. So, she fought to make a better life for herself by becoming a nurse. Finally, a good story.

Rachel – Smart girl! I already like her, I think… I think.

Melissa – Yeah, I like the nurse.  She’s good people.

Rachel – I have nothing to say other than that.  Next…

Lyndsie, 29

Another funky-spelled Lyndsie, 29, who hails from the UK but is a citizen of the world because her father is a diplomat. Since she's lived all over the world, she can dress-up in all kinds of ethnic costuming and says words in foreign languages. M'kay...

Rachel – Um, she has her name stenciled on her car… No no no.  Not ok. Not ever.

Melissa – And what’s with the bat wing eyelashes on the diplomat?

Rachel – I don’t know but I’m not sure I can take a whole season of the Swaziland clicking.


Jenna, 27, is a blogger who writes about love. Carrie Bradshaw complex anyone?

Rachel – Oh Lord… she bugs.

Melissa – She wants to be Carrie.

Rachel – Yep. Wait, Jenna makes enough money blogging to live in Manhattan?  Uh, I’d give her a decent bottle to get some tips on that one.

Melissa – Well, she writes a blog… We don’t know if she’s making actual money or if daddy is funding her.  She’s the one who goes crazy crier per the previews, right?

Rachel – Good point.  Not sure about the crying.  I may have been head down into the chocolate cake at that point.

Shawn, 28

Shawn, 28, is the single mom. We say "the" because it's expected at this point that there's at least one woman with a kid. Sixteen seasons... We're starting to get the hang of this.

Rachel – I like Shawn… Sister doin’ it for herself with a job in finance.

Melissa – Yeah, but I don’t get the mommies who drop their kids to go on The Bachelor/ette/Pad.  Cute kid though.

Rachel – She seems cool even if her hair is all Terri Nunn circa “No More Words”.

Nicki, 26

Nicki, 26, is our perky Southern Belle who had her heart broken but is ready to find her true love... on TV... with Ben. Even mom looks suspicious of the plan.

Melissa  – Oh, Nicki from Texas… married at 21 until life got in the way and she got divorced.

Rachel – Wait, marriage isn’t a fairy tale?

Melissa – Didn’t you know?

Rachel – Must have slipped my mind.  Ah yes, because The Bachelor = forever, as evidenced by the first 15 seasons.  Apparently, Nicki hasn’t learned much since her first marriage.

Melissa – Well, she learned the she wants the fairy tale.

Rachel – True, it’s good to have realistic goals.

Melissa – Come on, you know you meet your soulmate on TV.

Rachel – Of course I know that.  What do you think I am, an idjit?

Melissa – Well…

One More Time For The Cheap Seats

Before we get to the parade of pageant dresses, we have to recap the recaps of the previous season in case anyone in the viewing audience still isn't clear on the situation at hand.

Melissa:  Oh boy… bring on the squeeing ladies!  Oh wait, first we have to talk to Chris about how Ben’s journey of heartbreak has brought him to this moment.

Rachel – BTW, I want to bitch slap these people who think that one heartbreak is the trauma of all traumas in life… Yeah, I see your one heartbreak and raise you a baker’s dozen.  Sorry, that bitter just slipped out.

Melissa – OK, now let’s remember they are all like 22… This is all they know.

Rachel – True.  Still, I just don’t get the appeal of Ben.  I really don’t.

Melissa – He makes wine.

Rachel – OK, well maybe that part is attractive.  Put a bag over his head and a bottle in his hand and I’m in.

Melissa – Drink enough wine and well… you know how that goes… Well, at least I do.

Rachel – OK, so the spirit of his dad is coming to him in the form of hummingbirds. You know they’re gonna try and play the heart strings with that.  How many hummingbird shots will we see this season?

Melissa – They are training them as we type.

Rachel – I believe that’s what stock libraries are for.  Just slide some footage in.

Melissa – Oh no, they have to have one fly in and land on the picnic basket while they’re on a date.

Rachel  – Good point.

The Arrivals

Time to rank these ladies in true Winey Bitch Style.  For those whose short-term memories are as sharp as ours, here are the rankings again:

  • We’d Open A Bottle of Bubbly – The highest of honors
  • We’d Grab A Decent Bottle– You don’t quite rank in the land of the bubbly but we’d share something nice with you.
  • We’d See What We Already Had Open – Hey, you might get lucky and something fab is on the counter but you’re not getting a fresh bottle.
  • We’d Offer You Boone’s Farm – Hey, you’re lucky we didn’t shut the lights off and pretend we weren’t home.

Rachel, 27

Melissa – Rachel with the silver shoes… She gets what’s open.
Rachel – Clearly, I already like her.  Decent bottle for me.

Erika, 23

Melissa – Erika with the hooker dress and a cheesy opening line…  Boone’s Farm from the back of the cabinet.
Rachel – Really bad dress & really bad attempt at humor…  Boone’s Farm.

Amber B, 23

Rachel – Yikes, Boone’s
Melissa –  Boone’s

Elyse, 24

Rachel  – She’s cute but something about her is irritating me so… She gets what I have open.
Melissa – Yeah, she’s meh – We’ll give her what’s open.

Jenna, 27

Rachel – Well, that was awkward… Maybe she should have practiced that little intro a few times in the car.  It’s a bad call when you misquote someone to their face.  I’ll give her a tiny slide for nerves – She’s an open bottle for me.
Melissa – Totally awkward… When you quote someone to themselves, get it right!!  For that, I’m giving her the Boone’s.

Courtney, 28

Melissa – Oh, I already gave her the Boone’s during her profile and she’s keeping the Boone’s.
Rachel: Courtney yeah, she’s getting the Boone’s.

Emily, 27

Melissa – Why do girls give gifts?  And she just sanitized him with anti-bacterial gel!!!  She gets what’s open.
Rachel – Hmm… A total germ-a-phobe, which I can identify with.  So she gets a decent bottle.

Samantha, 26

Rachel – Oh a pageant girl with a sash. She seems like she might have a brain and a sense of humor about it though –  She gets what’s open.
Melissa – Her sash gets her the Boone’s.

Casey S, 26

Rachel  – Zero personality but not offensive.  She gets what’s open.
Melissa – Uneventful, she gets what’s open.

Amber T, 29

Rachel – The dress alone gets her Boone’s, especially since the guns didn’t get me all tingly like my partner.  The cheesy pick-up line she drops on Ben solidifies it.
Melissa – Wow, the horrid dress should get her Boone’s, but I do like the huntress. But then there’s the kooky line… Oh she’s not making this easy.  Boone’s it is.

Holly, 34

Melissa – Hello, Boobs McGee in the floppy hat… She gets what’s open.
Rachel – Well, she was getting points for being somewhat clever with the derby hat being that she’s from Kentucky… That was until she called herself beautiful – She gets what’s open.

Jamie, 25

Rachel – Still liking the nurse.  She gets bubbly.
Melissa – She gets what’s open since I can’t remember if I liked her earlier.

Shira, Unknown

Rachel – Fail on so many levels. She won’t give her age, she needs to eat a cookie and she admittedly doesn’t know anything about wine.  Clearly she’s getting Boone’s.
Melissa – Shira – meh… I wouldn’t waste anything open on her if she’s not going to know what she’s drinking… Boone’s.

Blakeley, 34

Rachel – Meh, she gets what’s open.
Melissa – She earns what’s open.

In a surprise twist, we meet Sheryl, a septuagenarian, who loves Ben. We love her... She tells us that she's really on the show for her granddaughter.

Rachel – I love Sheryl!  She gets bubbly for sure!
Melissa  – Oh, Sheryl, who we’ve heard all about… I’m totally going to pop the bubbly for her!

Brittney, 26

Melissa: The granddaughter Brittney – They both party with the bubbly.
Rachel – Fully agree.  I love this.  Definitely, they both get bubbly.
Melissa – OK, all girls who bust on grandma get immediately demoted to Boone’s.
Rachel  – Without fail… but most of the beatches talking smack are already getting Boone’s, so no big loss.
Melissa – Shira is demoted, Elyse down, Amber B. down.  You don’t bust on a grandma.

Nicki, 26

Rachel – Oh man, can’t take the whining.  She’s whiny not winey, but she’s not mean so she get’s what’s open.
Melissa – Nicki with the technicolor dream-dress… She gets what’s open.

Dianna, 30

Melissa – Dianna gets what’s open for being a ditz.
Rachel – She works for a non-profit.  I like that.  But she opened with a big flub so she gets a decent bottle.  I was hoping she was bubbly.

Jennifer, 28

Melissa – Jennifer gets what’s open. She doesn’t suck.
Rachel – Hmm… I do like a navy blue dress and she’s the only ginger thus far…  She gets a decent bottle.

Lyndsie, 29

Melissa – Lyndsie from London… with dorky poems. She gets what’s open.
Rachel – I’m not sure how I feel about her, but I’m still mad about the car. So she gets what’s open with potential for decent.

Anna, 25

Melissa – Anna for walking past Ben and not saying a word gets Boone’s.
Rachel – Yeah, not sure just walking past was a smart move.  I guess we’ll find out.  But she’s getting Boone’s in the meantime.

Monica, 33

Rachel – She misses her dog… what’s open.
Melissa – Yep, Monica gets what’s open.

Jaclyn, 27

Melissa – Jaclyn, she’s getting what’s open.
Rachel – Jaclyn’s entrance was a non-event. I’m not sure so she gets what’s open.

Shawn, 28

Melissa – Shawn, what’s with the arm slap??  She gets what’s open.
Rachel – I was really liking her in the preview segment, but yeah, not sure what was with the arm slug.  I’ll give her something decent though.

Kacie B, 24

Melissa – Her again.  She gets what’s open.

Rachel – She bugged at first but she may move up to a decent bottle.  And I may be getting tired (and soft).

Lindzi C, 27

Rachel – I like that she rode in on a horse and I like her dress.  I’ll give her a decent bottle with potential for bubbly.
Melissa – Finally, the last lady and it’s Lindzi on her horse… I’d give her a decent bottle.  You know, the ladies are all pissed they didn’t think of riding in on the horse.
Rachel – Especially the girl that cruised by him…  You know how many “and the horse you rode in on” jokes I’m sitting on right now?

Let The Drinking Begin…

It's time for Ben to meet the girls at the cocktail party. As he moves through the room, some of the girls seem to have been hitting the bottle a little bit harder than others. Nothing says "awesome first impression" like slurring... Miss Kentucky, on the other hand, seems more interested in hitting the tanning booth.

Rachel – Oh boy, there’s a big buzz in the room and I’m not talking about the chatter.  How long til someone is passed out or praying to the porcelain god?

Melissa – Drunk is funny… I can’t wait.

Rachel – All that hootin’ & hollerin’ is why I was not in a sorority in college.  And Nicki would be Drunky McDrunkerson #1…

Melissa – Boozie McSwiggins in da HOUSE!!

Rachel – I like that Ben keeps saying he’s part Slovenian.  $10 says most girls couldn’t tell you what Slovenian is, let alone where you’d find it on a map.

Melissa – Rachel gets the first sit down… and she seems cool… not crazy… until she says she quit her job to go on The Bachelor. Really, what are these women thinking??

Rachel – Yeah, I was riding the Rachel train until she pulled the “I left my job” card.  That’s a little scary.

Melissa – Nicki, our resident divorcee, is next and Ben is picking up her Bubbly. (Well, that she was drinking a bit of the bubbly.)

Rachel – She bugs me, but she’s the kind of girl these guys go for.

Melissa – She’s totally that girl.   Then, there’s Lindzsey – Aw, hell I don’t remember how to spell her name.  Liking her.

Rachel – Me too.  She’s got a good vibe.  I think she may stick around long enough for us to figure it out how to spell her name.

Melissa – I think so too.

Don’t Mess With Grandma

Ben sits down with Brittany and her grandma, Sheryl. There's definitely a vibe happening here although we're not sure if Ben's feeling Brit or her gram.

Melissa – I adore that grandma is checking out the competition.

Rachel – Me too and totally giving the hand to the bitter girls.

Melissa – OK, seriously, I hope Grandma’s girl makes it far past the bitchy cats in this house.

Rachel – It could happen.  She seems sweet enough on her own.  And I think the family card is a strong one.  She gets a tip o’ the hat.

Melissa – She’s so cute!

Let’s See What You Got

The girls continue to pull out all the tricks to get some attention from Ben and win that first impression rose. We've got soccer, push-ups, tattoos, rapping and even a blindfolded candy tasting seen here... M'kay.

Melissa –   Oh no… we have a tat girl!!

Rachel – Really a heart tattoo?  Um, Kasey Kahl!  We’ve found your other half!  Dump Vienna and get to LA immediately.

Melissa – And making him do 10 pushups??  Hell, I can do 10 pushups.

Rachel – I’d like to say so can I but I probably can’t.  What’s with the blindfold, Dianna?  Is she trying to have a 9 1/2 weeks moment?  But the genius is watching Amber T. sitting next to them trying to figure out how to get in on the action.

Melissa – Really?  Feeding him candy?  Man, these girls need to get a new schtick.  And who is this rapper girl?  She’s horrible.

Rachel – It’s the germ girl.  I really want to like her but I wish she would stop talking about diseases. It’s pretty much the opposite of sexy.

Melissa – Damn, I think I might be a little more gangsta than this girl!

Rachel – I think the model might be a bit tipsy too.  She has that very deliberate speaking that a girl gets when she’s doing the “No, I’m not drunk” act.  I’ve been there.

Melissa – Ya think??  I like that they gave her water in an effort to sober her up.  She’ll slide through though.

A Target-Rich Environment

Things get interesting after Monica and Jenna face-off about Monica's feelings, or lack thereof, for Ben. Monica turns to Blakeley for some comforting... very close comforting. Jenna, on the other hand, continues to stumble about the house upset about Monica being mean to her. Rachel attempts to make peace between the two but it goes pretty much nowhere... Never mind that Jenna in nearly incapable of conversation at this point.

Rachel:  Jenna be hopped up on the booze too.  Carrie would never behave like this.

Melissa – No she would not.  Jenna doesn’t like that Monica is screwing with her about not having feelings for Ben yet: aka being madly in love with him on first glance.  She is about to go bananas!!

Rachel  – Bisexual tendencies + booze + a houseful of chooch = good tv

Melissa – Well, at least we know there will be one love connection on the show… Granted, it’s between the ladies…  Wow… I’m waiting for the brown chicken brown cow.  And I think Jenna is having a hard time maintaining her sanity.

Rachel – Um, yeah.  Monica told Ben she missed her dog, but I’m thinking she misses her pussy more.  Bam!  I’ll be here all week, folks! BTW, with regard to Jenna, you have to have sanity to maintain it.  Just sayin’.

Melissa – Point to you, Miss Dunn.

And The Crazy Of The Season Award Goes To…

The Jenna crazy continues as she turns to Kacie for comfort after her "meeting" with Monica. Mid-tears they are interrupted by Ben who asks why she's been crying. With all the aplomb of a drunken sorority girl, she says she wasn't crying and begins to babble incoherently about whether Ben is as nervous as the girls... or something like that. Ben is surprisingly sympathetic to her situation, but Jenna realizes how bad she just flubbed it and retreats to the bathroom for a full-on meltdown. We're talking hysterical tears and talking to herself meltdown. Fabulous.

Melissa – God I hope Jenna makes it, ’cause she’s cray cray

Rachel – Oh, she’s a big ball of cray cray.

Melissa – Wrapped in some coo-coo for cocoa puffs.  OK, I’m totally opening the bubbly for Jenna because she’ll get drunk and I can laugh.

Rachel – Girl, you can give her Boone’s and she’ll get drunk and make you laugh.  I’m thinking she may actually roll right off the couch.

Melissa – Well, it would stop her from babbling… or making those odd faces.

Rachel – She’s a poet.  Wow… She is totally coming unhinged.

Melissa – OK, so there’s a point where I actually have to stop mocking Jenna and feel awful for her.

Rachel – No, she’s fully mockable.  She’s in a bathroom drunk ranting to herself.

Melissa – Or to a producer who is mic’d so they can get every second of rant.

Rachel – Oh she’s mic’d.  All the girls are mic’d.  And she’s about to miss the rose ceremony.  Banana.

Melissa – Well, she was busy updating her blog with all that sage advice… You know, like “Don’t look back.”

Rachel – Yeah, I’m thinking her credibility may have taken a hit tonight.

Melissa – I actually want to check it out and see the craziness on a daily basis.

Editor’s Note:  We actually checked out the blog and it’s a whole lot of nothing interesting.  Disappointing…

And In Other News…

While Jenna tries to pull it together, Ben is awarding the First Impression Rose to Lindzi. Guess the horse schtick worked.

Melissa  – Ah, wow… Moment of panic… Thought Ben was taking that rose to Jenna.

Rachel – I agree with the first impression rose.  And I like her dress.

Melissa – I do as well… A step-up for her from the break-up text.

The Rose Ceremony

Better late than never... Jenna finally makes an appearance at the Rose Ceremony.

Melissa – Ok, so Lindzi already has a rose. Jamie gets a rose, Rachel gets one (and I’d drink with her), Blakeley is staying so at least there might be some girl-on-girl, Emily, Kacie B, Casey S, Brittany (YES!!  I’m totally boozing it up with her and grandma), Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elyse, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica (So there will be drunk girl-on-girl attempts) and Jenna gets the final rose – oh, it’s ON!!  Cray cray gets another round!

Rachel – They always do…

Going Home:

We hardly knew ye….

Amber B, 23 - That's what happens when you rip on grandma.

Amber T, 29 - Guess Ben's not much into eating animal balls.

Anna, 25 - So much for your ignoring Ben entrance.

Dianna, 30 - Maybe save the blindfold for the second date next time.

Holly, 34 - Maybe try a mint julep next time... and less fake 'n bake.

Lyndsie, 29 - Usually the accent is a plus. Did you do that clicking thing?

Shira, Unknown - You're an actress... you couldn't have acted like you knew about wine?

Bottom Line:

Melissa – Well, gotta say that was pretty tame… All we have to look forward to is Jenna’s inevitable meltdown and Monica’s flirting with the housemates.

Rachel – I must say that think he did pretty well minus the British girl… She might have been cool.  I probably would have swapped her for Jenna.  The Kentucky girl was fun but way too much spray tan.

Melissa – Well, maybe that’s how they roll down south.  Well, looks like we’re in for a lot of tears this season.   Better have a lot of wine to go with them.


One response to “The Bachelor Season 16, Week 1 – Ben’s Back

  1. Pingback: If I Was on the Bachelor | Life of Blyss

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