Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Week 15: A Book, A Bachelorette & A Breakdown

One Sentence Summary:  What happens in Vegas is broadcast to the world.

Because nothing says "I'm an insecure asshole" like a diamond-encrusted lollipop holder valued at $1MM.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, at least in Vegas, no one can hear their insipid conversations over the ching-ching of the slot machines.  Too bad the same can’t be said for us.  I still do love Lisa even if she subjects me to Franck Wildenstein every week.  And surprisingly enjoying Camille, as well.  The rest, however, have become nails on the chalkboard of life to me.  They open their mouths and I cringe.  Most disappointing is Adrienne since she’s always seemed to be the one that was successful and confident, but I just can’t get down with her being mad at Lisa for staying at a family friend’s casino.  I feel like if you’re going to behave like you’re in grade school then you should be reprimanded accordingly.  That being said, it’s time for Taylor to sit in the corner facing the wall until she can play nice with the other kids.  Anyone have a spare dunce hat lying around?

Melissa:  It’s Vegas Baby!!  The showdown on the Vegas Strip… er, sort of.  It’s all the BH Ladies in Vegas trying to have more fun than the other group (and plugging the crap out of The Palms), while trying to feel up strippers when the cameras aren’t rolling.

A Brave New Friendship

New friends Taylor & Lisa meet for lunch for the de rigueur party recap. Taylor defends her behavior even if she though she doesn't remember it. Always a good defense. It's not my fault if I don't remember it.

Melissa:  Taylor can’t remember what happened at the party.  Never fear Sweetie, Bravo can play the ridiculopathy (Yep, had to create a whole new word for that craziness) that it was for you.

Rachel:  Again, what on earth is Taylor doing to her face?  She is starting to look like her evil twin… and behave like it.  It’s really interesting to see her turn to Lisa for comfort.  And it’s also interesting to hear her defend her completely out-of-control behavior by saying she needs her “liquid courage” to make sure no one walks all over her anymore.  Yeah, I’m gonna say that justifying your being wasted off your rocker and acting a fool because it’s part of your brave new world is – as my partner coined it – ridiculopathic.  Taylor & Kim both need swift kicks in their reality checks.

And Over At Team Camille’s…

The other side of the story is being discussed over a glass of wine at Camille's house, where they're seated on a ledge so that Bravo can get the right backdrop for gossip. D.D. continues to defend Camille and Brandi is thrilled it's not about her for a change. But all is well since they're heading to Vegas for a weekend with Adrienne.

Rachel:  Time to rehash the party with “Team Taylor Is Crazy” (of which I am a charter member).  I hate to tell them that Taylor has no interest in getting her shit together and that’s why Camille is now Enemy #1.  Taylor needs someone to be angry with so that she can avoid being angry at her life and dealing with it.  I believe they call that transference in the shrink’s offices.  So, they are going to Vegas with Adrienne as “Team Show Lisa Up” (of which I am not a member).  Maybe they’ll have a dance-off to see which Housewife truly is Queen.  I’d pay extra for that.

Melissa:  Well, at least D.D. is there to provide her keen insight.  Oh, seems Adrienne has invited the rest of the ladies to the Palms the same weekend as Pandora’s Bachelorette party.  “I’ll show her!  We’re going to have a great time!!” <stomp the ground>

The Bickersons

Paul & Adrienne are invited to be guests on "The Doctors" to discuss how to maintain a healthy lifestyle when you're a busy Power Couple. Seeing as how they bicker the entire way to the studio and Paul, who was denied breakfast, eats a cake pop & cupcake for a meal, the healthy lifestyle Power Couple thing makes total sense.

Melissa:  Oh, I want to be part of a Power Couple!  Hmmm… Call me crazy, but isn’t it easier to juggle when you’re said power couple with a support staff of nannies, personal chefs and other various assistants?

Rachel:  So Paul is hungry.  Um… Don’t you have a chef named Bernie?  Pretty sure you’re living a life where you can have a 6-course breakfast waiting for you in your home spa that is fed to you by winged angels if you so choose.  No one out here in TV-Land is feeling any sympathy for you.  And someone tell me again why these two are married?  Do they actually even like each other?  I can’t think of a moment where they said something nice to one another.  Anyone?  And here’s the thing… We’ve all seen Paul in a bathing suit.  Should he be telling us about a healthy lifestyle?

She’ll Get That

Kyle & Faye go chandelier shopping for Kyle's "Annual White Party." No one wants to listen to Kyle's input on what goes with white (You read that right) and she has a bit of a moment about it... which she of course plays off as teasing. Meanwhile, Faye drops a $750 chandelier and proceeds to scoot out the door leaving Kyle with the bill. Good friends really are everything.

Melissa:  Kyle throws a full on tantrum – for pretend – but that “It’s my party!” seemed SOOOO natural from her.  Sweet Mary, how hard did I just laugh when they dropped the chandelier?  Brilliant!

Rachel:  I love that Faye says that Kyle needs a mezuzah (Click here if you don’t know what one is) to ward off the evil eye of some of their party guests and then proceeds to drop a $750 chandelier.  That karma, she is a bitch.

Cake Topper

Lisa & Pandora go wedding dress shopping to find Pandora the dress of her dreams.

Rachel:  Um… I understand that a wedding dress is all about personal taste but those might have been the most awful wedding dresses I’ve ever seen.  They’re so… just too much and then she wants to add more to them.  Well, they do go with the invitations…

Melissa:  Oh, dress shopping with Mummy before heading off for the weekend of debauchery in Vegas, what a lovely Mother-Daughter moment.

Vegas, Baby

The warring Vegas parties begin with competing luxury suites, then move on to gourmet dinners which includes in-suite bowling at Adrienne's and ends with girls that like to party... Lisa, Taylor & crew go to see the Chippendales and we are treated to full back-al nudity with Lisa showing us her best bump & grind. Over at the club at the Palms, Brandi & Camille also demonstrate their best bump & grind in the form of girl-on-girl sorority sister "Look at me!" dancing. The only thing missing is Kyle doing the splits, but she's too busy at home with her party planning.

Melissa:  Damn, that’s a nice room Adrienne hooked the ladies up with.  I guess she has a little pull and wanted the best impression of her hotel for her publicity.  Kim is out because she pulled her neck… or plans to pull her neck so she can get some more meds.  Meanwhile at Planet Hollywood Pandora’s girls rock an equally awesome suite while Lisa and Taylor opt for a quiet suite down the hall and contemplate room service.  Personally, I’d be all about ordering room service from the dining menu and spa menu.  I was just about to ponder why Dana was there until she shows off a million dollar lollipop holder.  Thanks for the ridiculous insight only you can give girl.

Off to see the Chippendale dancers and Lisa get right into it while Taylor screams her head off.  Thank you Lisa for winning the lap-dance-off – wonderful that you just had fun with yourself… Wonder if she started asking around for new house boys?

Rachel:  Wait wait… Dana is now hanging with Brandi?  I’m so confused.  Wait wait… no I’m not.  Dana is an opportunist and probably didn’t bat an eye when she was asked to go.  So, now the battle of “My party’s better than yours” begins.  But first I must ask why Lisa keeps saying it’s all about Taylor’s birthday?  I’m pretty sure it’s not and please do not start kowtowing to her now.  Please.  I’m not sure which is more disturbing, Dana’s million-dollar lollipop holder or the Chippendale’s dancers wearing socks on their junk.  No wait, the most disturbing thing was watching Lisa & Taylor bump & grind with the Chipmunks, as Lisa calls them.

If Snooki Can Do It…

Kyle is shooting the cover of her book which purports to be something about her life and fashion. Not really sure what that means but we'll go with it. I mean if Snooki can write a book about her life, then I guess Kyle can too. Unfortunately, Kyle was hoping Kim would attend the photo session for "moral support", but in true Kim fashion, she can't make it for one of her various and sundry excuses. This time it's her voicemail telling us that she's too busy to pick up her messages and can't call you back anyway since she lost all her contacts. Anyone else hear the cuckoo clock?

Melissa:   Unfortunately Kim is a no show to hang out with Kyle while she gets her pictures taken.  Well of course she wants her sister there while people tell her how beautiful she is and it’s all about her.

Rachel:  I guess if the Kardashians and Snooki have books, it shouldn’t be surprising to me that Kyle got a book deal.  It’s also not surprising that Kim is missing in action.  She hasn’t shown up for anything other than the Game Night brawl so why would Kyle expect her at her cover shoot?

Speaking Of Kim…

Kyle runs into Kim while shopping with Estella for the White Party. Kim breaks down and tells Kyle that her kids are giving her a hard time about moving in with Ken. She feels like she gives everything to her kids and would just like them to give her a little room to be happy. Kyle tries to comfort her, but also wonders if it's that no one got to know Ken before she sprung him on them. Kim defends her man and her decisions by saying that he is really the one in charge... She meant that in a positive way, but of course Kyle hears "He's controlling me." Sounds like a big mess the whole way around.

Rachel:  Did I miss the episode where Kim and Estella go a few rounds?  Why is Kim being all “You don’t need to know where I live” with her?  OK, I actually feel badly for Kim.  Even if she loses a few days here & there, she is entitled to make her own decisions and live her life.  Her kids are grown and need to act accordingly.  Let mom have a little bit of happy, why don’t you?  And if Ken turns out to be a jerk (and I’m gonna go with it’s a-coming), your mom will figure it out in her own time. 

Melissa:  Now listen here you selfish little shits… If your mom is happy, lay off the guilt and try being happy for her.  Oh geez, look at that… I just tripped over a soap box.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  Hey now, seems something will be amiss next week at the White Party and Taylor is not invited in… I almost can’t wait to see what happens.

Rachel:  Well, this week was rather tame considering, but it looks like the Russell shit is going to hit the Beverly Hills fan next week.  Ruh-roh.  I think we’re headed into that “Should we air this?” territory. 

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