Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Week 14: Malibu Beach Party From Hell

One Sentence Summary:  Brandi gives “fitting in” one last try by hosting a belly dancing party for the ladies, but Taylor chooses it as the moment to finally go totally off the rails.

What do you mean it's not all about me all of the time????

Our Thoughts:

Melissa:  Oh now with a title like that… you know Brandi’s party is going to go all sorts of hell in a hand bag – and of course that means I’ll enjoy every inappropriate moment of it!!  Does that make me a bad person? 

Rachel:  Well, if the previews are to be believed, this is the week Taylor completely comes unhinged.  I don’t think anyone is going to be surprised by this except for the women around her who spend  so much time with their heads up their tightly-wound asses that I’m surprised they haven’t turned into diamonds yet.  It’s beyond my comprehension that they can confront each other about the most banal of offenses, but refuse to call someone out when their behavior is actually detrimental to their own well-being.  Use the word “cock”, schedule an intervention!  Show up at parties wasted out of your brain or continue on a path of out-of-control behavior, look the other way and make excuses.  Makes sense.  In the immortal words of Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for.  That’s also what the Psychic Friends Network is for.

More Is More

Kevin Lee is back yet again and this time to show Lisa & Pandora table options. Needless to say there's a lot of pink, a lot of crystals and, well, just a lot of everything, including this "King Arthur" table.

Melissa:  Kevin Lee is setting up a table sampling on the tennis court for Pandora’s wedding.  Lisa seems to like a little something from each table to make the overall perfect table… to create the wedding of her dreams… er, Pandora’s dreams.

Rachel:  Ok seriously, more planning?  These tables are so over the top ridiculous.  It looks like Cinderella & Liberace came together and exploded all over them.  Asian Franck lets us know that the “White [tablecloth] is more crispier.”  This guy is a genius.  I mean who could plan a wedding without his deep insight of it’s incredibly incredible and it’s more crispier?  I really have a visceral reaction every time he is on-screen.

This Is Your Face On Paul

Estella, Kyle's mother-in-law, goes in for a post-op visit with Paul to see how her facelift is healing. She does look great and not like her face was pulled too tight. Kyle, however, wishes everyone would just put down the needles and go au naturel. Ha...

Rachel:  And more plastic surgery escapades with Paul.  Look, just cut the season in half if you don’t have enough material.  However, if I’m being honest, this is some amazing advertising for Paul because she does look amazing.  Hey Dana, this is how you advertise your business… You know, showing your best work.  Uh, Kyle wants us all to fight fair with no Botox… Yeah, why come your forehead didn’t move once during that announcement?  Come on… There’s no way those eyebrows are locked down by their own volition.

Melissa:  Did Kyle really just say she wished everyone would give up their Botox and filler… What so she can keep getting hers and look better than everyone??  Love you Paul, but quit praying on insecurities to make a buck!  You are starting to sound like a used car salesman.

Belly Dancing For Friends

Brandi and Adrienne meet for lunch to discuss Brandi's next idea for a girls' night and strategize the best way to keep the warring factions separate. They also pig-out on one shared flatbread. Go crazy ladies!

Melissa:  Brandi is still desperately trying for a girls party to fit in with the Housewives.  Adrienne gives the what’s what on keeping ladies apart to avoid friction. Personally, I’m all about putting the ladies together and, fingers crossed, there’s more than just friction.

Rachel:  Brandi bought a box of hair!  Extensions make me laugh.  Only in America can your hair grow 4 inches overnight.  Um, Brandi’s face is now not moving either.  The whole zip code is expressionless!  And a lunch to discuss other women… What a novel idea.  Speaking of novel ideas, Brandi has moved on from the BJ party to a belly dancing party.  Much more up the uptight ladies’ alley.  Personally, I’d like to learn to belly dance.  Just in case anyone was interested.

Cinco de Drinko

Because we haven't seen enough of Estella's new face (How much is Paul paying the producers of this show?), we attend Kyle's Cinco de Mayo party. Estella debuts her new face to the grandchildren and Mauricio gets a lesson on how to dress from his doting wife. Black with black and brown with brown - Garanimals for adults!

Melissa:  A small Cinco de Mayo party at Kyle’s house to celebrate Mauricio’s Mexican heritage and the unveiling of Estella’s new mug.  To mark the occasion, she wears her hair completely back from her face??  Maybe that’s not quite the way to go, but whatever, I don’t judge… well, I do, but…

Rachel:  Mauricio & Kyle are celebrating Cinco de Mayo right after she eviscerates him in public for wearing black shoes with brown pants.  I love that Portia is like, “Yeah, I don”t know who the hell you are, lady.” when she sees Estella’s new face.  OK… enough with grandma already.  Let’s move along doggies.

What’s Old Is New Again

Because we have to check into every storyline from the season tonight, we visit the construction on Lisa's restaurant Sur and find out the bathroom is in the wrong place. We look at some of Adrienne's shoes. Then we fly by Kim's to hear her call Brandi names again and watch her eat Cheetos. Alrighty then... Fluff and fold people.

Rachel:  Ken wants to be retired but Lisa won’t let him because they have a wedding to pay for… Poor guy.  He probably hasn’t made a decision on his own in a few decades.  Oh hey, we really are revisiting every old storyline.  There’s Kim!  Eating Cheetos.  Bashing Brandi.  Was that a necessary scene?  What are the people at Bravo smoking?  Seriously.

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It’s Off To The ‘Bu We Go 

We hop between Camille's limo and Taylor's limo to hear them discuss what will happen when they see each other at Brandi's party. They both are calling for peace although we know that will never happen, especially since Camille's friends aren't down with her being treated badly by Taylor after all she's been through. There's gonna be a rumble in the 'Bu!

Melissa:  Oh D.D. is back – I was starting to fret not seeing her for an episode or two!!  Seems everyone is calling for backup, but as usual no one is really going to try to confront Taylor about her complete denial.

Rachel:  LOL… All the old bones are being dug up.  It’s D.D.!  Camille’s worried about seeing Taylor… and scene.  And over in Taylor & Kyle’s limo, we have :30 of Taylor not ready to forgive Camille.  Jeebus, it’s like RHOBH ADD…  Good choice with the La Crema wine, Kyle.  I say kudos to that.  But I really do wish Taylor would shut up already.  She is so effing annoying with the drama that she creates.  All of it is Taylor-made.  BAM!  See how I did that!

When Housewives Attack

Brandi's party starts off with some laughs, some wine and some belly dancing. Oh, and some serious footage of Brandi's nipples. Seems she thinks white cotton, no bra and a stiff Malibu wind make for good fashion. Not to be overshadowed by the nips, Kyle shows us that she can do the spits yet again. It's a typical "Look at me!" night with the Housewives until...

... D.D. overhears Taylor mouthing off about Camille to anyone that will listen and decides that's not cool. She tells Taylor that Camille is a good friend and that she should talk to her and not about her. Taylor, in her usual Poor Me state, starts crying and demands an audience with Camille by shouting "Outside!" at her. Always a good start to a peace-making conversation. Needless to say it devolves into a giant shouting match between Taylor & D.D. with Taylor totally going off the rails. Brandi decides that the only way to save the night is to ask Taylor to leave... Wrong call. That just creates more chaos and a fight between her & Kyle. Everyone leaves crying and we are left wondering how grown-ass women constantly behave so badly.

Rachel:  And so it begins… Ok I was really ready to give Kyle shit for making fun of Brandi but she really does need to put on a bra.  C’mon now.  That’s info I didn’t need to have.  Seriously, where are the censors when you need them?  Too bad Dana wasn’t there to see what a nice wine & food spread looks like.  And poor tortured Taylor is having a hard time because she has to be in the same room as Camille.  It’s not like she’s being confrontational.  GET OVER YOURSELF!  I’m officially done with Taylor.  Done.  And now the “I can’t do this” tears. You started it.  FInish it, bitch.  Sweet Mary this is so ridiculous.  I mean this is not how grown ups behave.  Well, most.  I mean I have seen some immature drama go down but this is silliness.  Total silliness.  OMG.. STFU Taylor.  Heretoforth, I am fast forwarding through all of her drama.  And seriously, don’t even try and give me any crap about her being broken.  She’s an asshole.

Melissa:  Apparently the Bravo folks think they can distract everyone with Brandi’s nips all night long.  I love that every time they pour a glass of wine they are the backdrop.  I’m starting to feel dirty because I can’t stop staring at them!  Now, if that were my friend, I’d be the first one to pull her aside, tell her she’s flashing her high beams at everyone and send her to the bathroom in search of band aids… seriously!!  And let the meltdown begin.  Really Taylor, how rude can you be – “Outside?”  See, this is what happens when you drink too much and never eat.  I have watched children fighting over a toy who acted more adult.  OK, next party… there needs to be some carbs to absorb the alcohol.  That was so out of control that I sat here saucer-eyed expecting Taylor to spontaneously combust.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  Taylor needs help, and not “for the cameras” help… I mean serious help.

Rachel:  I concur… Seriously serious help.

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