One Sentence Summary: Adrienne launches a shoe line and Taylor continues to confuse everyone around her.
Rachel: As excited as I was at the beginning of this season to see my 90210 girls again is as exhausted as I am by them at this point. Week 13 and they are just driving me bananas. The level of teenage drama is overwhelming this year. Why can’t we go back to the good ol’ days when there was just one known enemy and everyone stayed on that storyline? I’m willing to volunteer Dana for the role as villain since it seems Camille had a slice or two of humble pie during the off-season. I’m sure Dana’s up for the role. And it’s not like she doesn’t deserve it after serving purple puffs to her guests and calling it dessert. Unacceptable. I declare Dana as Public Enemy Number 1!!! And… scene!
Melissa: Hopefully we’ll get some spiraling out of control this week – there IS talk of a BJ party! That just has craziness written all over it. A word of advice I’m off the hooch this week – can’t even begin to explain the over-indulgence of Thanksgiving weekend… my liver needs some detox – so watch out I’m cranky and have a headache.
Melissa: Let’s kick things back off with Pandora’s Box… Er, invitation, that is. They’re going to need a hell of a lot of extra postage for those! Wow, is Lisa actually questioning if the drinks are over the top? I really didn’t think that was part of her vocabulary!!
Rachel: And we start me off with this freak of nature again. I hate this man. I do. I would refuse to go to any wedding he was involved with even if it were my own. Wait, that’s not true.. nor does it make sense but you get where I’m going. As for the invitations, I’m sorry but I find them hideous. So far over the top… There’s a Yiddish word that sums it up: Schlock. And really Asian Franck? They’re incredibly incredible? Is that what they are? By the way, I’m so not impressed with the ice cream trick. My friend made us ice cream with liquid nitrogen at his dinner party 2 weeks ago. Kiss my ass, Bev Hills! You have nothing on Boynton Beach! Yeah.
Can You Just Make It Like The Ones I Already Have
Rachel: I love that these reality stars all want to start their own clothing and shoe lines, yet don’t design any part of it. Unless, of course, you consider pointing to shoes you already own and saying “rip this off” designing. I wonder how long this will continue until the legitimate designers have had enough and start suing. I understand the Kardashians already got busted for their bags… Who’s next?
Melissa: I had no clue she had a shoe line. Wait, I’m a little confused here. Is it a line of shoes for her, or a line of shoes she’s creating as a new business venture?? If so, it begs the question, where will the shoes be sold? Is she really going to compete with the likes of Louboutin for her Beverly Hills friends? Will she’ll partner up with the Kardashian girls?
And How Does That Make You Feel?
Melissa: Damn it Bravo, do we really have to watch Russell and Taylor’s therapy? I had enough of Brad Womack’s sessions (and that was how many Bachelors ago??)!! You hear me Bravo? If I want therapy, I’ll call my own doctor! I really don’t need to have the inside view. You all know I can’t stand other people’s therapy sessions.
Rachel: So, now we’re actually going to therapy with Russell and Taylor. Oy vey. Wait, he’s an Osteopath? Isn’t that a bone doctor? Maybe I should just watch and stop typing for a minute. Ok, so either their therapist doubles as a bone doctor or the Graphics Department at Bravo needs a dictionary. I’m gonna guess it’s the latter. Hmmm… So, I’m still not seeing the abusive Russell (in the physical sense), even if they’re trying to edit it that way (which they clearly are), but it is shitty for Russell to bail early on therapy. Side bar: What is going on with Taylor’s face? Did she get more filler?
Would You Like To Try The Pomp With a Side of Circumstance?
Rachel: And back to the wedding of the century… I think Kate & William had less drama surrounding their wedding. The food does look delicious, but I can’t help wondering if you’re going to charge what I imagine they’re charging, can’t you give them real chopsticks? I do love that Pandora doesn’t want Lisa’s friends at her wedding because they can’t behave themselves. When the child becomes the parent… And listen, she’s not wrong. Not one of these women has heard the old adage “A time and a place.” Anytime is their time and Anywhere is their place.
Melissa: Meanwhile, back at Lisa’s we’re treated to more of the tasting party. Personally, I’m a huge fan of the tasting party, I wanted to have my tasting like 7 times – really, it was that damn good!!
Open Mouth, Insert Foot
Melissa: Hey now, Kyle and Brandi are hanging out for pedis – since when are they BFFs?? I guess now we’ll get the full backstory of Brandi and Eddie. Hand to God folks, I really had no idea who her ex was until this show and the whole “ex-Mrs. Cibrian” thing came up. I kind of blurred him with Mario Lopez to be honest. Come on Kyle, with saying the BJ party isn’t a good idea… Don’t poo-poo a fun girls night out! You KNOW she secretly wants to but can’t figure a loophole for her goody-goody persona. Really my dear, you shattered that image with your splits on Mohammed’s table.
Rachel: Brandi & Kyle were having a lovely time when Brandi wants to invite everyone over to learn how to “give BJs”. Did you hear that needle scratch? Oh Brandi, two steps forward, one step back. If the girls can’t even hear the word “cock” without having to have lunch meetings over the ordeal, what on earth would make you think they’d want to have a porn star teach them what to do with said organ? It’s called knowing your audience, darling. And you missed your mark by a mile. But since we’re talking, uh, what is the name of said porn star and how does one get in touch with her? I’m just asking for a friend… Obviously. I don’t even live in LA anymore. I just visit. Often… What were we talking about?
Rachel: More Russell and Taylor… I just don’t know what to make of the two of them anymore. They seem to be trying but it still feels so much like they’re… trying… Like they’re both on their best behavior and if one person exhales, it’s all going to fall apart…. which we know it is. I’m starting to think Russell’s sister was right and that Taylor was the one in control. I know, I know… Gonna get tons of shit, but I’m just being honest. I do love her dress though. On the other hand, I hate Kyle’s dress. She seriously must have bought that in those boutiques you see in Vegas casinos where you think to yourself, “Who shops there?” Now, I know.
Melissa: While I sit here confused, I also need to ask if I’m the only one missing the “evil” from Russell… I mean I know the cameras are on, but he doesn’t seem all sorts of “mwahahaha” hand wrenching to me. I’ve seen bad couples, and he just doesn’t look like he’s part of one. Maybe it’s just me, but something seems a bit hinky. Interesting, so the new spin is that Camile has “said blatantly false things about Taylor and Russell”. Funny, no one called Camille on any of her blatant lies and, in fact, they agreed with her. Hmmmm… the hinky continues.
Fashion. Turn To The Left.
Melissa: Finally, the Lisa / Adrienne confrontation!! OK, so I don’t get the big deal about Lisa going to another hotel if it’s an old family friend. Anyone else think Adrienne really wanted Lisa to have the party at the Palms for the publicity and press? Really, my dear, I think my family room windows are less transparent than that! Hopefully this will provide more fodder for lunch / drinks chats.
OK, I can’t hate on Adrienne’s speech or her fashion show… every girl / woman should think big and work towards their goals, whatever they may be. I’m all about sisters doing it for themselves. Whoa, wait… I might need to start drinking to get my snark back!! I’m adoring the clothes, and really want that purple dress (that might cover a nipple on me). It’s beautiful!! But wait, where are Adrienne’s shoes? Have we figured out yet if she’s designing shoes for the masses or just for herself – did I miss something in my sober state?
Rachel: It must be nice to have a property big enough to host every event from a spa day to a fashion show from the comfort of your own home. 19 valets? 19? Really? Wow, I can’t even deal with Adrienne’s ego right now, which is a big bummer because I love her. But really, get over yourself and you’re being mad at Lisa for not having her daughter’s Bachelorette at the Palms. Why are you more important than a family friend of 15 years? And she doesn’t even hear it. She still expects Lisa to cowtow to her. She needs a reality check. Oh lord, I’m over these petty petty women. I think my next petition that I won’t start should be about trying to get the word “reality” removed from these shows’ descriptions.
Aha! The wall says the shoes are a line for Charles Jourdan. Well, I bet they would have liked to have been mentioned once during the episode. Lord knows this is why they signed up a reality star… Give them their publicity! I mean where were the shoes? Adrienne didn’t want the shoes to be the center of attention when it’s about raising money? That doesn’t even make sense. The people are there to see the shoes & the fashion. The cost of the ticket goes to charity (why they buy) and the attendance is to see the freaking fashion (why they come)… C’mon Adrienne! Screw your head back on straight. You’re smarter than this.
Rachel: Well, it looks like we’ve only seen the rumbles before the actual full-on Taylor earthquake coming this Monday. Joy.
Melissa: The fashion show went off without a hitch… sadly. I was really hoping for more craziness this week. I mean if I’m going to be subjected to therapy at least make it good.