Real Housewives of Atlanta – Week 4: Jewels Be Dangled

One-Sentence Summary:  Kandi turns 35 and Phaedra gives her (and all her guests) quite the gift.

Hmm... How do I get myself a spin-off show so I don't have to deal with these women anymore?

Our Thoughts: 

Melissa:  It’s going to be a busy night for the Atlanta Housewives and this Jersey Girl… the fallout from the shower, Peter’s forced conversation with Cynthia’s sister, and Sheree showing off her new construction to Phaedra – BTW, I feel so bourgeois buying a “used” home.  Never fear, I’m tossing back a little LaMarca Prosecco to help me feel a bit better about my station in life.

Rachel:  Oh boy, here we go again.  I’m admittedly a little nervous to see what exactly sets Kandi’s mom off at her birthday party.  I mean Nene and Sheree will be in the same room again so maybe we’ll get treated to another “I’m rich, bitch” moment that mama doesn’t appreciate.  Or perhaps someone treats Kandi to a gift that she can “use” until her line of sex toys is available to the public.  Oh it’s all just so exciting… Ok, maybe not, but I’ve got nothing else here tonight.

A Touch Of Class

Phaedra stops by Kim's to bring her gifts and apologies. Seems she realizes that perhaps Kim's baby shower wasn't the best place to confront Peter about his big mouth.

Melissa:  Phaedra attempts to make amends for Apollo behavior at the shower, seems having a gift basket at the ready helps smooth things over with Kim.

Rachel:  Does anyone out there need to hear me say how much I love Phaedra again?  No, probably not.  But, I do love her.  I mean after watching enough Housewives to write an epic novel about them, I can say that the “Housewife apology” is a very rare and elusive animal.  It’s nice to actually see someone say “I’m sorry.” for what is CLEARLY bad behavior instead of just talking shit about it over a glass of wine with another cast member the next day.  Kudos, Phaedra.  Hope some of the other ladies were paying attention.

Time To Face The Music

Cynthia makes tracks out of the room so that Peter and her sister Mal can finally discuss what went on at Peter's and her wedding. Peter is none too pleased that Mal and her mother thought about stopping the marriage by not giving them the marriage certificate forgetting that it was being recorded by Bravo for posterity. Whoops.

Rachel:  Yeah, again Mal, you were actually caught on video trying to sabotage their wedding.  You might just want to eat crow and politely accept Peter shoving it down your throat.   While I cannot personally stand Peter either, you did do him dirt and you did get busted so… Crow.  Eat.  Now.

Melissa:  Cynthia’s sister Malorie is back to shoot dirty looks and snarky comments at Peter because she loves her sister.  Personally, if I were Cynthia and saw that footage from my wedding I’d be calling my sister to the carpet.  I mean I’ve had negative thoughts about a few friend’s relationship choices but I would never attempt to sabotage their wedding!  She’s a grown ass woman, it’s her choice.

What A Lovely View

Kandi takes Phaedra with her to look at a venue for her 35th birthday party and we get a little hint about what might be coming in the way of a "gift" from Phaedra.

Melissa:  Oh ho… there’s a hint of a “surprise” from Phaedra.  Could she be calling in one of her clients to do a little dance (make a little love… pretty much get down tonight)  for Kandi’s party?

A Hot Gust Of Wind Out Of The South

NeNe takes a shopping break to bash the other ladies to Kandi.

Melissa:  Really, anyone else about done with the fame aneurism she’s in the throes of?  At least she didn’t name drop Donald – of course I just jinxed myself.

Rachel:  So, I’m learning that I can pretty much fast forward through any scene with Nene this season and still have a good idea of what went down… She pumps up her ego by tearing down Kim & Sheree.  I’m right, right?

No Turtlenecks On My Kid

Kim & Kroy invite a baby nurse to the house to discuss circumcision and cleaning on the said circumsized penis. Kim is, um, concerned about hurting her son's penis. Kroy promises her that they don't remember. She's not convinced.

Rachel:  Um, you’ve had two kids and you need to hire a baby consultant?  Oh, the world is just so stupidly spoiled.  Remember when, once upon a time, you had a baby and then you figured it out.  And why are we getting the low-down dirty details of the circumcision?  Do we need these details?  I think we all get the gist of what it is.

Melissa:  Oh no did Kim just say she doesn’t know what to do with a penis?  I think you know more than most sweetie.  I really don’t understand her confusion with a boy versus a girl.  It’s not like they don’t give you a quickie “here’s how” at the hospital.

More Hot Wind

Nene drops by to say "hi" (aka: talk about herself) to Peter & Cynthia and lets it spill that she and Greg had sex upon her return from Miami. Needless to say, we hear far too much about it. We also learn that one of Peter's investors fell through and we all drop our jaws in faux surprise.

Melissa:  Peter’s check from one of his investors apparently is bouncing like Tigger to the tune of 40K – I’m setting the over / under on his going to Cynthia for the money at an episode.  Any takers?  Wait, NeNe and Greg somehow just “had sex” when she got back from Miami… somehow NeNe??  Like an accident?  Did he slip on the floor and fall in – repeatedly?

Rachel:  Oh I’m about over Nene’s theatrics.  She can’t deliver a sentence without all the drama of a Merchant Ivory film.  It’s getting hard to listen to her.  Well, harder than it normally is.  And I can tell you there is no part of me that needed to ever hear about Greg’s sexual prowess.  Ever.  At all.

How To Negotiate A Better Deal

Sheree brings Phaedra along to pay a visit to her contractor so that he knows in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't deliver on his promise, he will see her in court. And in case that threat wasn't enough motivation, Phaedra gives him a look at her donkey booty. Her words, not ours. We're as uncomfortable as Sheree's contractor with that moment.

Rachel:  I wonder if there is a contractor that has ever delivered a project on time?  It’s seriously the only business where you don’t have to meet one single deadline and still get paid all the money.  I mean I get that things happen and there are inevitable delays, but you can have an entire construction site at a halt and still get paid.  Man, I should have been a contractor.  Or a lawyer since apparently the best negotiation technique is to show off your “donkey booty”.  Way to show off that degree Phaedra.   I have no doubt he will now get Chateau Sheree finished by the Fall.

Melissa:  Sheree is not happy with the progress of her new home.  Seems there’s a snag waiting on permits.  Um, what the hell Phaedra… showing him the donkey??  You call yourself a good southern woman??  Come again, you better get that prayer cloth and holy oil for yourself there girl!

Three Idiots And An Allen Wrench

Mal & her husband stop by Cynthia's modeling agency to help put together a chair. Unfortunately, the conversation turns to Peter again and Cynthia would just like her sister to butt out of her life. Well, butt out after her husband puts together a desk chair.

Melissa:  Malorie is back again trying to run Cynthia’s life.  I mean, I get her concern for her sister, but going all Judge Judy every time she’s on camera is a little crazy if you ask me.  She sure as hell is going to do a big old “I told you so” dance when Peter hits Cynthia up for money.

Rachel:  I like that Cynthia just assumes her sister is going to be her receptionist.  Cynthia is trying to bury the hatchet with her sister and Peter, but her sister just wants to keep swinging it.  I can’t imagine this is going to get better any time soon.  I also can’t imagine the chair three people can’t seem to figure out will get put together any time soon.  It’s a chair… Really?  BTW, Mal’s husband is a nice looking gentleman.  Just pointing that out…

Swing Time

As if Kandi's 35th birthday wasn't rife with drama by just having Nene, Peter & Sheree in the same room, Phaedra gives Kandi a "gift" in the form of Ridiculous. Ridiculous is aptly named because his... uh... endowment is quite ridiculous, to the point where he is able to pleasure himself orally. This does not go over as a crowd pleaser and Kandi's mom hightails it out of there (as does Nene).

Rachel:  Well, it’s official now… Nene dropped the Celebrity Apprentice name.  We can all sleep soundly tonight.  Um, even if they blur “Ridculous’s” ridiculousness, we’re all pretty clear about what we’re looking at.  I guess when you’re blessed with that kind of, um, equipment, you don’t need to be good looking.  And he is not good looking.  We all know I love me some Phaedra, but this was probably not the time nor the place for said “gift”.  Kandi’s mom certainly didn’t appreciate it.  Can’t say as I’d have appreciated it either.  At any point.  Some things you don’t need to see.  At any point.

Melissa:  OY, more NeNe’s narcissism, and now it’s driving a chasm into Kandi’s party.  Until Ridiculous the stripper arrives… swinging his thang for everyone.  Poor Joyce is not having anything to do with the the stripper, his penis, or… his taking care of himself to entertain the guests – beg your pardon??  I do love NeNe being appalled at the situation, which if she herself weren’t a stripper I might let it slide (like NeNe down a pole).

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  What a whirlwind of crazy!

Rachel:  Well, I’m not gonna sleep tonight.  Between Nene’s recounting of Greg’s “skills”, Phaedra’s booty, snip-by-snip details of circumcision, Kim peeing again and Ridiculousness, I’m just to horrified to sleep.  Thanks, Bravo.


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