One-Sentence Summary: Well, it’s down to the end people and one of the final four misses the finals by a week.
Rachel: I’m telling you right now that if J.R. doesn’t make it into the finals, there’s going to be a one-woman riot in the streets of this here gated community. Don’t think I won’t turn over a garbage can or two if they get in my way. And that wrought-iron golfer figurine on my neighbor’s lawn? Toast. I’m taking it all the way to the top or until the rent-a-cops ask me to go home. I just can’t imagine he’s gone, but I said that about Chynna too. Oh, this DWTS voting audience is a fickle mistress. Well, shall we get to watching a bunch of filler for an entire hour until they get to the elimination? Perhaps they’ll surprise us with a little Carson Kressley tonight to break up the monotony?
Gee, I wonder if they are safe. The anticipation is killing me. I haven’t been this on pins and needles since I was waiting to find out if all the cheese would be melted in my grilled cheese sandwich. Hey did anyone else see Kris Kardashian lean over and say “I told you so.” to Bruce Jenner? She must sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to him by now. That’s the only way I can imagine he survives. Oh, the results… He’s safe.
They Built This City On Synth Pop
Dear God children, what the hell are you listening to these days? This is terrible. I could have written this song in the fifth grade for a talent show. I’m sure I’ll lose points on the indie cred scale, but I stand by this opinion. When I heard “Cobra Starship”, I was scared it was a Starship tribute band. Now, I’m kinda wishing it was. By the way, we haven’t seen Val’s abs in a few weeks. Did he eat too many bowls of pasta thus violating the No Carbs Rule in his contract?
The Wonder Twins
Another peak behind the scenes with Hope & Maks and another sullen bratty response from Hope. Ugh, couldn’t be more over a human. I’m serious… And lookie at the classy “f**k them” about the judges. Wow, they’re such children. They should go hang out with the Housewives. I mean, come on already. She’s not a good dancer!!! I hate to tell her. No, I don’t hate to tell her. I am more than happy to tell her. And if they go home tonight, I will be the best dancer the world ever saw. I’m gonna forgo the riot and dance a jig all over this house…. and maybe take out the wrought-iron golfer just for shits and giggles.
Happy Day, It’s Carson!
Ha ha… Carson tells Rob a ruffle will make his butt look smaller. If only that were true, I’d be swathed in ruffles from head to toe every day. I am saddened that he didn’t call out the color of Ricki’s illusion netting. It’s seriously the color of those L’Eggs stockings from the 70’s. Although how could you not love stockings that came in plastic eggs that would catch and run before you even got them on. Ah, good times.
Derek & Anna Go Gaga
Oh no… You are not torturing me again with this woman trying to do Lady Gaga. Well, the good news is that this an easier song to sing than “Edge Of Glory” from the first week. And I like Derek’s choreography so I’ll “suffer” through this time waster. I’m like the Gandhi of Reality TV.
Let’s Hear It For The Boys
You know how I feel about the Footloose remake, but thanks to the story I’m feeling a little warmer towards Wormser. And these boys rocked it out. I hope they get a little Seven Minutes of Heaven when they get home. That will teach those lame bullies. It amazes me that we still live in a world where men dancing is unacceptable. It’s not like it’s not on your TV every day and night with some pretty manly men doing the do. Man, kids are just cruel.
It’s Time To Play The Music…
Ok, anyone who doesn’t love The Muppets is a fascist. And not in the way that people like to banty about in reference to someone that has a different political opinion than they do. The actual kind that is intolerant and sucky. Real definition. BTW, I’m so going to see the new Muppet Movie when it comes out. Anyone have a kid I can borrow so I’m not the creepy old lady there by herself? Oh! The balcony guys, Statler & Waldorf! I love them most of all. On the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational… This is what we call the Muppet Show!
Again, I think we know which way this is going. I hate to say it but J.R. is in the bottom two. I don’t even need to hear it to know it’s true. Grilled cheese all over again. Yep, J.R. is in jeopardy. I’m getting my riot shoes on.
Oh boy… Here we go. I’m nervous. It has to be Hope that’s going home. Right? Right??? I mean it has to be. Side bar: Wonder if it’s still awkward for Maks & Karina to be on the same stage since they broke off their engagement. Must be… just a little, no? Anyway, let’s get back to business. Hope and Maks are going home! Whew! Gotta change out of the riot shoes into the dance shoes because it’s jig time!
Wait, did they just say next week is only an hour??? Oh how dreams do come true! J.R. is in and we only have to give ABC one hour of our lives. Next you’re going to tell me The Tooth Fairy is real.