Real Housewives Of Atlanta Week 1: Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

One Sentence Summary:  The Georgia Peaches kick off season 4 with enough attitude to go around… the entire state.

Our Thoughts:

Melissa:  I’m beyond excited for the return of the ATL Ladies – These women are just balls out crazy and don’t even care who knows it.  You have to love that… or am I just crazy?

Rachel:  Ok, we’re back in Atlanta.  I know this is Melissa’s favorite of the Housewives.  I’m not quite as in love, but I ready for some Atlanta fun.  I loved the addition of Phaedra last season.  She cracks me up with all that Southern Belle stuff so I can’t wait to see her take on funerals.  It’s going to be the stuff reality TV dreams are made of.  And I also have love for Kandi.  She may be the only one playing with a full deck… Probably across all the Housewives shows.  I think she needs to have the Winey Bitches on her radio show.  Now, that would be a good time.  I think we might need to look into making that happen.  I’m gonna start practicing my radio voice, just in case.

And She’s Movin’ On Up… 

We catch up with Kim who is hanging out with Sweetie, while her boyfriend Kroy empties her storage space so she can start furnishing her new home. We see dating a Falcon works wonders for your square footage.

Melissa:  We’re kicking things off with a REALLY preggers Kim moving with Kroy… and by moving in, she’ll sit in the car while her man and the movers get all of her crap out of storage and onto the van… can’t say I’m completely shocked.  What I can be shocked about is the house upgrade… oh my!!

Rachel:  First off, I can’t even look at Kim’s boobs.  They’re freaking me out.  When she walks it’s like they have hiccups.  Holy upgraded house, Kim.  Way to get yourself some extra square footage.  Apparently, I haven’t been paying enough attention to the Falcons defense.  Wait… he’s 25?  How old is Kim?  She’s gotta be pushing 40 if she’s a day, no?  And don’t tell me the age she says she is.  I want to know her real age… The one recorded on her birth certificate.  I’m about to start Birthers Part II.  I’m telling you the Cougar Life is in fashion these days.  I had better hop on that train before I’m put out to pasture.

Great mileage, but how’s the ego room?

NeNe goes car shopping for her son Bryson. Now that she's a single lady, she needs her son to have some wheels so he can help her out. And in case you were wondering, NeNe is now very successful and buying Bryson's Dodge Charger in cash. Move over Trump, NeNe's whipping out her checkbook.

Rachel:  Wow, I wonder if that car NeNe bought her son has enough room for her ego to ride along.  My goodness is she in love with herself.  She says she’s single and ready to date, but I can’t imagine there’s room for another person in her life right now.  Kind of sad because she used to be my favorite “character” on the show and now I can barely stand listening to her for more than :30.  Well, now I know who is buying those ugly Chargers.

Melissa:  Seems Bryson is getting a car to help NeNe since she is now separated – I don’t get the connection, but then again I rarely do with NeNe.  Anyone else question the “paying in cash”?  Wonder if that’s a little trick she picked up from “the Don” – how many times are we going to hear his name dropped?  Anyone up for Donald to do a Housewives Apprentice?

Autotune Anyone?

Sheree stops into the studio for a visit with Lawrence, her favorite hairstylist, and to dish on NeNe for trying to steal some “work” from her setting the stage for a NeNe v Sheree showdown.

Rachel:  Well, that was something to hear.  Yeow.  That was screaming and not singing… And I remember liking his voice last year.  I wonder how long before Bravo releases a Housewives Greatest Hits CD, which will be the world’s most autotuned CD in recording history.  Sheree thinks she’s gonna have a civil conversation NeNe about her stealing a charity event from her.  Ha, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time.  There’s no way that isn’t gonna turn into a screaming battle within 10 minutes… and that’s being generous.

Melissa:  Again, I ask… what “work” do these women really do?

Atlanta The Fashion Mecca??

Cynthia meets with Ms. Jay, from America's Next Top Model, to discuss the opening of her new modeling agency and to give her new recruits a lesson on runway walking. Cynthia thinks she's on the edge of something new since Atlanta is about to burst onto the fashion scene and give New York and Paris runs for their money. Clearly, Ms. Jay finds Cynthia's idea of Atlanta as the new locale for Fashion Week a little... um "come again?"

 

Melissa:  Seems Cynthia wants to bring high fashion modeling to Atlanta and start her own modeling agency; The Bailey Agency… m’ok my dear.  So she’s going to bring in her modeling coach to catch up and help teach her “models”… look at the turn out!  Did she put an add in the Penny Saver for her student call?

Rachel:  Oh, I love Ms. Jay!  Atlanta is going to be the next fashion hot spot?  What does Cynthia know that the rest of us don’t know?  I guess She by Sheree is about to take over the world.  I hope these girls, er models, know how lucky they are to have Ms. Jay show them how to walk.  That’s some valuable information for when the bring Fashion Week to Atlanta.  Mmhmm…

Oh boy, these models are in need of some Ms. Jay love.  I really love his facial expressions at the models.  Miss Cynthia has some serious work to go before Atlanta rivals Paris.  Well, before Atlanta rivals anywhere.

When Doves Cry

Some people read, some knit, some make finger puppets from their cat's hair, but Phaedra's hobby is Funeral booklets. During a visit to a local Atlanta funeral home to plan her Aunt's service, Phaedra discovers that there's some money to be made in the business of burying of loved ones.

Rachel:  Did we really need subtitles for the funeral director?  Come on.  That’s a bit ridiculous.  My oh my, those are some fancy funerals.  They really are no joke.  Hearses that project music?  It may sound morbid but I really need to go to one of these funerals with the lights and horns and music and steppers.  I mean if you are giving your loved one one last party, why not go big?

Melissa:  Oh my Phaedra is coming up with a new venture this season… death. *Side note:  This will be the “new ventures” season for the ATL ladies.  For dear Auntie’s funeral they’re pulling all the stops to show how much they’ll miss her.  Wait, now this is some over the top funeral arrangements… doves, carriages, musical cars… ???  AW LAWD this is some crazy right here – releasing DOVES?!

So, What’s Your Style?

The ladies meet up and Kandi “introduces” Sheree and Phaedra to the wonders of lady toys, including a bed cushion for better, um, pushin'. Kandi tells the ladies that she is planning on designing her own line of toys, Bedroom Kandi, as a possible spin off of her Kandi Coated Nights radio show.

Melissa:  Now here’s some fun stuff with Kandi’s new venture idea.  Best line of the night… Who likes doggy style?  Really, that’s just awesome… there are so many jokes flying that I just can’t grasp a single one!!  Oh, seems like Phaedra is all over the wedge – monogrammed Christmas gifts for her and Apollo?  Whoa, wait a minute now… Musical vibrators??  Now I’ve heard of everything!

Rachel:  Well, there’s a question I never thought I’d hear asked on non-pay-per-view TV… Who likes doggy style?  And a vibrator that vibrates to music?  What will they think of next? I do love that Kandi will be recording songs for her personal line of musical vibrators… That certainly is one way to deal with the collapse of the music industry.  I do love me some Kandi though and wish her good luck.  I’d buy one of her products… Just to support her, of course.  I’m just a team player like that.  My generosity knows no bounds.

It’s So Hard To Say Good-Bye

Phaedra knows this will be a thumbs up funeral; pink casket, musical hearses and doves - that's how the do it down South! She is so inspired by the pomp & circumstance of her Aunt's funeral that she decides once and for all that it's time to start Phaedra's Funerals. Ok, we made that name up.

Rachel:  Pomp & circumstance… Phaedra got that right.  That was something to see.  The pink casket alone was unreal.  I know Phaedra’s gonna get a world of shit about going into the funeral business, but I say go for it, lady.  I mean selfishly I’m excited because we’ll get to see these crazy outrageous funerals on the show.  Besides, a business opportunity is a business opportunity, no?  If you can find a way to make money in this day & age, do it.  Grab it and run with it.  Fast.

Melissa:  I do love that, after consoling a cousin over the loss of a beloved family member, she walks off commenting on how she’s about to lose her fake eyelashes.

<ding ding> Round 1

Sheree and NeNe sit down to discuss how Sheree thinks NeNe is trying to steal business from her. Adult conversation lasts about 2 minutes before the accusations and insults start flying.

Rachel:  Good thing NeNe has a reservation in a completely empty restaurant.  As if the producers didn’t clear the filming with the place, prior.  Oh, was I not supposed to give that away?  Well, the civility lasted all of :60.  I don’t even think it was that long.  And I would like to just interrupt Sheree for a moment because it’s not just black women trying to cut each other down.  It’s women in general.  Now, I won’t go jumping on my soapbox, but all you hard working women out there are giving me the wink-wink nudge-nudge right now because you know where I’m coming from.  Oh boy, I have a feeling we’re gonna hear about NeNe’s money all season.  I guess that old adage is true: Old money whispers and new money screams.  And this new money is screaming like a banshee.

Melissa:  I guess the success is going to these ladies heads as well – fame aneurisms all around this restaurant – granted they are the only ones there – it still fits.  Hello screeching cat-fight; calling her out on bad teeth and a repo’d car… called her lying trifling bitch too, oh that’s an awesome finish to a fight!  I mean I call a friend of mine a trifling ho… but it’s said out of love.

Crocodile Tears

After the scene with Sheree, NeNe goes crying to Cynthia about how hurt she is that Sheree would believe a stranger over her and accuse her of being a bad friend. Uh, did you hear what you just said to her?

Melissa:  Thankfully, Cynthia runs over to console NeNe over the fight… seems Mrs. Crazy screamer’s feelings have been hurt by Sheree’s lack of belief in NeNe.  *Side bar, NOT a fan of those bangs on Cynthia.

Rachel:  Hmmm… So NeNe is throwing the deuces and saying it’s time for Sheree to go because she didn’t believe her over the party promoter.  Well, if you’re throwing deuces then it must be true.  Although I will say she is crying like she’s been wronged.  Either she’s a great actress or she really did get thrown under the bus.  My gut says actress but I’m not 100% convinced.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, the ladies are back and not wasting any time getting into it.  If the previews for the season are any indication, it looks like NeNe gets progressively blonder and progressively crazier.  Oh, it’s gonna be a loud season.

Melissa:  OK, so pretty tame for a season kick off… but looks like we’re in for a lot of neck wagging and raised pointed fingers (Think:  Oh no, you didn’t) this season… Can’t wait!  Welcome back ladies!

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