Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Week 8: The Opposite of Relaxation

One Sentence Summary: It’s spa day for the ladies of Beverly Hills and even a deep tissue massage can’t work out the tension in the room.

Our Thoughts:

Right there with ya, Lisa.

Rachel: It’s hard to tell if it’s a bug or the thought of having to deal with these women’s bickering that is making my partner sick, but I’m on my own tonight while she prays to the porcelain gods.  Let’s all wish her a speedy recovery and prepare our own tummies for another bumpy ride.  Tonight we are invited to a Beverly Hills spa day, which I can only imagine is probably going to be the least relaxing spa day in history.  I don’t think these women are capable of just chilling out.  I just hope we don’t have to visit with scary wedding planner Asian Franck again tonight.  That will have me running to the bowl and in need of a full-on spa day decompression.  Not that I couldn’t use any excuse for a spa day.  They should be covered under the mental health services section of health insurance.  Ah, if only I ran the world…

That’s One Clean Chicken

Lisa gives Adrienne a cooking lesson for some unknown reason seeing that she has a personal chef... That and she clearly has no interest in learning. I guess they needed more material for tonight's show.

So, Lisa is giving Adrienne cooking lessons…  You know Bernie has got to have a few words to say about this.  Oh look, there he is lurking in the background waiting to pounce the moment he sees Lisa make one wrong move.  I bet he’s just dying to run in there and scream, “Bitch, get out of my kitchen!”  Ok, I’m sorry, but why is roasted chicken the first lesson?  The first lesson should be “This is your kitchen.  Meet it.”  Wait, did Adrienne really just wash her chicken with soap?  Um, heat kills salmonella not Palmolive.  BTW, really I love a high heel but not so much when I’m cooking.  That’s just asking for a slipped disc.

A Meeting Of The Minds

Taylor invites Dana & Kyle over for a play date (read: Bash Brandi session). Give the kids some crayons and let's gossip!

Kyle is still talking smack about Brandi calling her sister out for being on smack.  Kyle thinks it’s just the weirdest thing and totally out of left field to think her sister might be on something.  Uh, it’s not weird or out of left field.  It’s true.  Again, need we remind her that it was she that was calling Kim out last year for being an alcoholic.  Not a huge stretch from alcohol to drugs.  Taylor defends Brandi which is nice and, for a moment, melts Kyle’s cold heart.  Oh wait, no it doesn’t.  It’s still frozen.

Side bar:  I hope Dana notices the lovely cheese spread Taylor has provided for the ladies and takes a few notes.  That is how you entertain.  Meringue puffs are not how you entertain.

Now I Ain’t Sayin’ She A Gold Digger…

Lisa visits with her friend Mohammad who would like to throw Pandora an engagement party. He shows Lisa his Moroccan room where the party would be. It's pretty fabulous and comes complete with a secret hideaway bedroom. I guess when you have a 60,000 square foot house, sometimes your bedroom really is too far away.

Ok, I hate to point fingers… Bwahahaha… That was funny.  Ok, so I love to point fingers and I am pointing the “Gold Digger” finger at Mohammed’s girlfriend.  I’m sorry but she’s no more than 24 years old and I’m not buying any story about them having so much in common.  What they have in common is his money… He makes it and she spends it.  But whatever works for them both…  Sing it Kanye.  Lisa shakes her head at the secret love shack and tells Mohammed that he shouldn’t be so horny at his age.  You know his girlfriend is thinking the same thing.

Just Another Day Hanging Around The House

Adrienne invites the girls to her home for spa day. Yes, that is correct her home. She built herself a full in-home spa. Well, that sure puts the in-home movie theater to shame.

Wait, I’m sorry she has a full spa at her house?  Are you joking me? She’s actually hosting a spa day for the girls… at her house… with homemade desserts (One of which is made out of real gold) & champagne?  Um, she’s the best friend ever.  How do I get me an Adrienne?  Whatever it is, sign me up!  Wait, why are these women doing spa day with full make-up?  How do you get a facial while wearing a full face of make-up?  Isn’t the point of a facial to actually cleanse the face?  Welcome to the epitome of vanity.

Meanwhile, Brandi shows up and it’s as icy a reception as you’d expect.  I know she’s got no filter and it was probably over the top to threaten to kill someone but I really do feel badly for her.  It can’t be fun to be the new kid on that bitchy block.  I mean the girls are running around teasing Camille about sending “a giant penis” into the tanning booth with her.  So, they’re allowed to make penis sex jokes, but Brandi can’t say “cock” without being ostracized?  That seems fair.

Mob Mentality

Adrienne convinces Brandi that she should apologize to Kyle & Kim so that they can move past the incident. Brandi agrees but is a bit confused as to why she is the only one apologizing. Good question. Kim refuses to hear her out but Kyle deigns to give her a minute of her precious time. Brandi apologizes and tries to strikes a deal with Kyle: Kyle doesn't talk about her kids and Brandi doesn't talk about her sister. Kyle agrees... Oh wait, no she doesn't. She continues to justify her behavior, with the rest of the ladies egging her on. Lovely.

Brandi is right.  Why should she be the only to apologize?  The Richards Sisters picked the fight!  Kim refuses to hear Brandi out because she doesn’t go to Bitchville.  No?  It’s just a short drive from Crazy Town where you live, Kim.  You should check it out sometime.  The best part is that she has absolutely no recollection of saying or doing anything wrong at Game Night.  Um, that’s because she was wasted.  It’s called a blackout.  Generally, I would advise against proclaiming innocence when you don’t actually have any memory of the evening.  And why oh why do they pretend that they have never heard of meth?  I mean Beverly Hills is sheltered but it’s not like it’s a convent.  I call shenanigans. Pretending you don’t know about meth is not convincing anyone that your sister isn’t on drugs.

And now Lisa is jumping in to chastise Brandi for her behavior.  Shut up, Lisa.  Shut up.  You weren’t even there!  They are totally ganging up on her.  This should have been a one-on-one conversation.  Such horrible, ugly behavior from “ladies”.

Some Eye Candy For The Audience

Apparently the producers knew we were all in pain from the spa day hideousness so they threw us a bone: Mauricio shirtless.

Well, it doesn’t make all the pain go away but it’s a good start…

And We’re Back Again

Brandi leaves which gives the girls free reign to continue the cattiness. Kyle does say that she & Kim had some responsibility for the blow-up, which Kim does not accept. Meanwhile, Camille tells us she's just happy Kyle's arrows are aimed somewhere else this season.

And here it comes again… The pain.  The endless pain.  I’m actually physically uncomfortable by the behavior tonight… Well, and the last two weeks.  I don’t blame Camille for tap dancing her way around that spa for finally being out of the line of fire.  Bullets spraying everywhere and none are hitting her.  How good it must feel.  Wait until she tells D.D.!

Next Week:

Rachel:  Next week we get to meet Kim’s boyfriend and we see the first scene with Russell this season.  Oh boy…

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