One Sentence Summary: The War of The Housewives continues with Kyle’s all-out assault to prevent her allies from switching to Team Brandi.
Melissa: We’re ending “Game Night” with a jaw dropper! Color me tickled for tonight’s episode!! I can only assume the “jaw dropper” means Dana won’t actually drop a label name or tell us how expensive something was… Brandi will tell Kim she’s high… And then Kim will go all meth-head and beat her down with her own crutch. Oh, sorry, got carried away there. One can dream! OK, so the jaw dropping fight will be the ladies screaming “bitch” at each other and eventually storm out… I’ll be realistic. And while I have your attention, can we talk about the blouse Kim’s got on in this picture? Seriously, if you’re trying to convince people you aren’t on drugs, that crazy ass lamé bow shirt is not helping your cause!!
Rachel: Well, here we are again to witness the conclusion of Girls’ MMA Night. I mean I’m a competitive game player but it’s never come to blows. Then again, I’ve never called Winston Churchill a black man or had to try and make sense of someone cracked out of their skull. So, I guess I have something to look forward to at the next Girls’ Game Night. Thank God they didn’t decide to play Twister. I’d hate to see what would go down at their Book Club. “Bitch, if I hear you call Harry Potter a dork again, I’m gonna rip that weave out of your head.” And I have to agree with my partner on Kim’s blouse. No sober person would ever put that on unless they were going as a Christmas Present for Halloween.
Oh No She Didn’t
Melissa: Can I just ask what’s up with Dana not jumping in to put a stop to the madness? This is your house woman. You call the shots! Are you kidding me?? Put a stop to this nonsense immediately… Though that would also require you to get out of Kyle and Kim’s ass for 5 minutes. I think I understand why Dana does nothing to stop the attack on her party guest… She’s too busy mentally plotting how to get further up Kyle’s ass so she can walk around telling everyone “Oh, this outfit? It’s Kyle Richards.” Wait, Taylor is going to get all up on her high horse of not touching anyone… Wasn’t she the one who threatened Kim with “I’ll take you out back and go Oklahoma on your ass” last season? Cool your jets stick figure. We don’t want to have a deep exhale blow you over!
Rachel: Oh, it’s getting all Jersey up in here! Someone flip a table! Listen, I have a brother whom I would fiercely protect come Hell or high-water if someone was getting in his face. Never mind that he could snap me like a twig before I even had to chance to throw a sassy little finger in someone’s face. So, I give Kyle that. HOWEVER, why do none of these women realize that it is so out of bounds to bring up children? I mean the first rule of Housewives Fight Club is: you do not talk about the children. And the second rule of Housewives Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about the children! Then there’s that little scene from last season where Kyle, on film, calls her sister an alcoholic and a liar. I’m pretty sure we all saw that. You’d think maybe after hearing from Adrienne that she thought Kim was off her rocker and then seeing your sister off her rocker, you might actually think “Hmm, my sister might be off her rocker.” Just a thought.
Then again, Dana says she likes Kim the way she is and wants “to go on her journey.” WTF are you talking about? Her journey starts on a corner in the hood with a whistle and a flash of cash.
The Aftermath Part I
Rachel: I love how Kyle wants to make it clear it’s not about Brandi’s son… Even though it is totally about Brandi’s son. Look, if Adrienne doesn’t care that some kid peed on her lawn, then I’m thinking Kyle should probably let it go too. But I guess you need to make a Federal case out of it so everyone is distracted from your sister’s insanity. It’s the dangling carrot of pee.
Melissa: I do like that Adrienne sees through the “Kim isn’t on anything” BS. I wonder how long it will take the rest of the ladies to belly up to that idea… She’s so clearly on something… or sipping something… or popping something.
Props to Lisa on the call of the night: Being at the Girls’ Night would be like “drowning in a bimbo soup”… Brilliant, I say!!
The Aftermath Part II
Melissa: Um… again with the can’t we all just get along theme?
Rachel: Well, at least she got whole milk in the latte. That’s got to count for at least 50 calories. I will say though that this is the first time this season I think Taylor is being a stand-up lady and making it about someone else. Just gotta give the very rarely deserved props when they’re due. Brandi actually cops to crossing the line. See kiddies, that’s called taking responsibility for your part in the mess. Kyle does not seem to have the same ability. Taylor says Kim is on anxiety meds. C’mon now. I have been around a lot of people on anxiety meds and no one has behaved like Kim.
Your Breath Is As Fresh As A Pine Tree
Melissa: I’m just going to say that this will result in tension and a non-argument. I kind of think Kim just needs to stop talking because admitting you’re using room freshener as breath spray just really makes you seem like you are in fact on something. The rants really don’t help much either.
Rachel: Does room freshener have alcohol in it? Just thinking that might not have been a complete accident… And really? You bought your sister out of a Palm Desert house for $20k, Kyle? I’d be pissed too because that most certainly isn’t what a third of that house is worth. Not even close. But if Kim starts acting up about it, just spray some of that room freshener in her mouth.
Rachel: Sweet Fancy Moses, what is that???? I can’t look at him. He scares me. I’m not even kidding. I have no idea what’s going on because I’m shivering in fear in the corner…. And all I have is tea to sooth my nerves. And he keeps telling them they can’t have what they want. He’s horrible. I can’t believe she’s going to hire the spawn of Franck from Father of The Bride & Jocelyn Wildenstein to plan her daughter’s wedding.
Melissa: Is it just me or does anyone else notice Giggy does get all jiggy when Lisa is Heimlich holding him?? It’s almost like he’s trying to tear free to bite her before she tongues him again. Lisa girl, I love you, but you can’t tongue kiss your dog! That being said, I adore your reaction to being told Kevin’s weddings come with a million dollar price tag. I mean if the favors are, in fact, going to be bags of money, I’ll try to crash that wedding!!
Trapped In The Closet
Melissa: Oh and once again, it’s Camile and D.D. – hanging out in the closet… I mean… No, it’s too easy. I’m not going to lower myself. Not when we’re off to a Charity event for cancer awareness which Camile’s mom has battled twice – bless her! Of course, the ladies I’m sure won’t behave themselves because well, Kyle is just a mean girl… plain and simple. We’ve all experienced “her”, and been on the receiving end of the barbs. I would say grow up, but clearly that isn’t possible… She’s a mean girl and enjoys it.
Rachel: Yes, another contrived Camille & D.D. scene. Really 5 minutes of her trying on sunglasses? You know D.D. is thinking, “Look, if you’re going to force me to be in all these made-up scenes, at least make me a Housewife! I mean if Dana gets airtime…” I do love that Camille is doing work to fight cancer. I give her major props on that and am very sorry to hear that her mom is sick. Hey, props twice in one episode. That must be some kind of record.
It’s Ok. It’s For Charity.
Rachel: This may be the one time in the history of my life that I’m ok with PETA going all, well.. PETA on someone. There is an activist out there right now with a bucket of red paint with Dana’s name all over it. I would like to shake their hand… After they’ve tossed the paint, of course.
No Detente For Cancer
Rachel: As if it’s not uncomfortable enough, Dana has to make a spitful remark. Tell me again why we are being subjected to this woman? Then again, her remark was only half as uncomfortable as listening to poor Camille struggle through that speech. Yikes. I was impressed that Lisa tried to extend an olive branch to Brandi until she turned around and made a snide remark about her not knowing who Winston Churchill is. Lovely. In the immortal words of Paula Abdul: Two steps forward, one step back.
P.S. – Does anyone else find it odd that the one day Lisa decides not to wear pink is to a breast cancer charity luncheon?
Melissa: An attempt to smooth things over with a spa day for the ladies can mean only one thing… tantrums in towels!
Rachel: I wonder if Kim will try and eat the potpourri at the spa…