Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 5

One-Sentence Summary:  We’re gonna rock down to Electric Avenue with a trip back to the 80’s & the judges give each contestant some personal advice.

Brooke Burke working the Bump It.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Oh boy, 80’s night.  This doesn’t bode well for my eyes, as I can only imagine the costumes I’m going to be exposed to.  I lived through the 80’s (with my dear partner here) and I can say with 100% certainty that those were some dark days for fashion.   However, it was a great… Ok maybe “fun” is a better word… time for music so, at least, my ears should have a good time.  They can’t possibly pick all boogers can they?  I hope not as I’ve got nothing stronger than tea with me this evening.  Sad but true. 

Melissa:  OK, I’m gonna make a call here… The undercurrent this week:  “Chynna didn’t make it so we’re all at risk and have to step up our game”.  Of course she didn’t make it.  Her fan base is what… 20-30 year old men?  Guess what folks, they aren’t watching DWTS unless their girlfriends are forcing them, and they sure as hell aren’t going to call in and vote!  It’s also 80’s night, which you know means I’m going to be waking up with all sorts of crazy songs in my head at 3am!!  I’ve already warned my partner that if I hear Footloose, I’m out.

Oh Look, It’s The Bangles

The Bangles perfrom their 80's hits "Eternal Flame" & "Walk Like An Egyptian".

Melissa:  Oh, The Bangles… looking… oldish.  I should choose my words carefully as I believe they are my age… ouch!

Rachel:  Nice.  I like The Bangles.  I like Eternal Flame.  I do not and have never liked Walk Like An Egyptian.  I’ve never understood the point.  Does there need to be a point, you ask?  Yeah, kinda.  If you’re going to cause a nation… nay, a world of people to start dancing like fools, then yes.  Yes, you do.  Hey, it’s men dancing with their chests on display but Val isn’t one of them.  What’s going on?  Did he miss a waxing appointment?

Hope Solo

Hope & Maks dance the Tango to "Livin' on A Prayer" by Bon Jovi

Melissa:  Hope and Maks Tango to some Bon Jovi song I don’t know… Yes, a “Jersey Girl” who doesn’t know Bon Jovi.  Wonder if they’ll kick me out??  Oh, Living on a Prayer – Wow, how bad is the orchestra that I had no idea what the song was? I’m still not feeling the connection with these two. They have moments of decent footwork then just get all bijiggity.

Rachel:  Carrie Ann’s advice to Hope is that, while she is athletic, she needs to work on being feminine.  Ya think?  Oh hey, Hope & Maks are fighting again.  He says it’s a love-love relationship but not when it intersects with rehearsal time.  Hmm… Are the booty rocking rumors true?  That man gets around.  No, seriously I was reading about it online… where all things are true all the time.  I still need to get my hands on a copy of his turn as the Ukrainian Bachelor.  That’s got to be some good TV.

Wow, this is possibly the worst version of Livin’ On A Prayer ever.  They couldn’t even get the talking guitar intro right.  This was not my favorite dance either.  She is so not graceful.  It looked like Godzilla trying to stomp out Tokyo.  Len accuses Maks of not getting the essence of the Tango right.  Bruno says she got the 80’s super bitch down and she was Alexis Carrington Colby. Wait, what?  Oh hell no.  I take umbrage with that.  That’s right, umbrage.  First of all, it’s Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan.  Second, Hope is no Alexis.  Unless she has wrestled her arch enemy into a fountain wearing an evening gown, she doesn’t get to be Alexis.  You don’t just throw around Dynasty references all willy-nilly.  Not on my watch. Carrie Ann says she was a little bit awkward.

Score – 24

Carson Kressley

Carson & Anna dance the Jive to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!

Melissa:  My goodness the ensembles are almost as crazy as this dance!  Carson, you know I adore you, but my goodness!!

Rachel:  Bruno said Carson’s gotten away with being sloppy yet fun until now… His advice is that he has to step up the precision of the dancing.  Ok, watching Carson’s rehearsals are awesome.  Wham! is awesome.  Wham! shorts are awesome!  Another fun performance but the actual dancing was, um, not awesome.  Bruno says it was loopier than looney tunes; a crowning achievement in madness.  Carrie Ann says it was definitely fun but it’s week 5 and there still isn’t much technique.  Len isn’t sure it was good enough.

Score – 19

Nancy Grace

Nancy & Tristan dance the Rumba to "True" by Spandau Ballet

Melissa:  I gotta say that I’m not feeling this either… It’s like she doesn’t want to move too much and pop her weave off.  But the judges liked it… OK.

Rachel:  Len says she’s a hard worker who wears her heart on her sleeve but his advice is that she needs to focus on the dance and not lifting her skirt… Okaaaay.  Nancy shows us one of her cheers from high school during rehearsal and it’s…  Well, let’s just move on… quickly.   On the dance floor, she looked pretty good out there but she seemed apprehensive about the actual dance/story.  Carrie Ann said it was nice & appropriate but lacked passion.  Len thought it was simple but effective.  He doesn’t think the passion would be so appropriate for a couple like them.  You figure that one out.  Bruno thought she played it exactly right tonight.

Score – 22

Oh Look, It’s The Bangles Again!

The Bangles perform Manic Monday.

Melissa:  OK, time to revise earlier comment about the Bangles – I was just informed Susanna Hoffs is actually a bit older than me… So DAMN, that bitch looks good!!

Rachel:  Yeah, had to correct my partner on that one.  When she said she hadn’t aged well I went full “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis” on her.  That is what I want to look like at 52.  Yes, that woman is 52.  How’s that make you feel, children of the 80’s?  Freaked out, right?  I do have to say, however, the voice has not aged as well.  Life is cruel.

JR Martinez

JR & Karina dance the Samba to "Conga" by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine

Melissa:  I’m gonna call it now – THIS will be my 3am wake up music!!  Damn, get your swerve all sorts of on J.R.!!  That was some ass shakin’ like we haven’t seen yet, and this winey bitch loves a good ass shakin’!!  The judges love it and I adore it!!  He gets my vote this week!!

Rachel:  Bruno says JR’s so consistent with magic exuding out of him but it’s the tiny details he has to work on to take it to the next level.  JR is going back to his roots and is bringing his Jose Renee Martinez to the Samba… And he sure does.  Damn boy, move those hips!  I think I’ve said this before but let me say it again… That boy can dance!  Len says normally guys and the samba don’t work together well but he nailed it.  Bruno says he was a sex machine. He has so much fire down below that it was like a volcano.  Tom moves us along before it can get any more uncomfortable.  Thanks, Tom.  Carrie Ann says muy caliente & then gets so excited an expletive comes flying out of her mouth.  Several rewinds didn’t help solve the mystery of what that expletive was either.  But I concur with her “Ay Papi.”  Bruno gives him his first 10 of the season!  I’m getting way too excited about this show.

Score – 28

Rob Kardashian

Rob & Cheryl dance the Rumba to "Hello" by Lionel Richie

Melissa:  Yep, pretty much over anything Kardashian at this point. I don’t know any family who loves themselves as much as this clan.  Really.  I wonder what dinner is like with them all fighting to get any and all attention they can eek from every second.  I’m not feeling Rob or this dance.  I think my little dog coughed up something sexier last week, to be honest.  OK, clearly I’m wrong because the judges are under the Kardashian spell. 

Rachel:  Len says Rob’s working his way up but he wants him to take command of the dance floor.  I’m pretty much with my partner here.  I’m over this kid.  He was my last hope to potentially like a Kardashian and he showed moments of growth over the last few weeks… Then he goes on a radio show and calls out his married cast members for cheating on their spouses.  Who does that?  Fail.  So, to be honest, at this point, I’m good with him going home.  Was the dance good?  Yeah, I guess.  Did he pull of the sexy?  Let me think…. Uh, no.  And I never ever need to see Rob Kardashian try to do a spit EVER again.  But really, he should go.  Bruno says we are starting to see Rob the Heartthrob.  (We’re not.)  Carrie Ann says he’s the tortoise in the Tortoise & The Hare story, which is the second time I’ve heard that analogy on a reality show this week.  (And he’s not.)  Len says this is a hard dance for men but he pulled it off.  (Whatever.)  Send his ass home.

Hilarity sidebar –  This song will forever make me laugh because of this little bit of genius:  Click here.

Score – 25

Chaz Bono

Chaz & Lacey dance the Samba to "Get Down On It" by Kool & The Gang

Melissa:  I’m not feeling it, but the judges will be all over it loving his improvement.  I just don’t see him moving well, but he gets points for trying. 

Rachel:  Carrie Ann says that he has the ability to make the whole room to cheer for him but we need to see more movement and less walking.  Look, I’m thinking what he’s doing out there is the extent of his moving on those knees.  Well, color me misspoken, Chaz is skipping.  Hey, he looks pretty good.  No, I’m serious he’s working it out.  Look, I’m not saying he’s JR status, but he’s holding his own.  And he’s even smiling!  Carrie Ann agrees that it was the most dancing he’s done all season.  Len said it was a gallant effort and he really gave it a go.  Bruno says he got the wiggle which is hard to do.

Scores – 21

David Arquette

David & Kym dance the Tango to "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell

Melissa:  For what it’s worth, this is a pretty clean Tango.  I’m not a fan of the DWTS Orchestra version of all the songs I grew up with… It’s like a twisted Musak thing happening here.

Rachel:  To be honest, I didn’t listen to the judge critique.  It was starting to bore me.  The Tango is about passion and aggression which is the story of David’s life.  Alrighty, then.  I have a new found respect for Courteney.  He seems to really be into the competition now, even directing rehearsals.  Hmm… I don’t know about the performance.  I think we were set up for a way better dance.  I don’t know if I loved it but I do love him so I’ll just go with yes.  Yes, I loved it!  Len thought the choreography was great and he has shown up (as opposed to shut up).  Bruno said that was a tango with a rebel yell.  Carrie Ann said he still needs to work on his musicality.  Hey, maybe that was the advice he was given.  Maybe?

Score – 25

Ricki Lake

Ricki & Derek dance the Foxtrot "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey.

Melissa:  I’ll take back my earlier statement… THIS will loop in my head for my 3am wake up… along with the image of Ricki’s Running Man.  Oh there will be nothing right about that!!

Rachel:  So, Derek was a fetus in the 80’s and Ricki was eating a lot.  Pretty much sounds about right.  I was saving my babysitting money for a trip to England to meet Duran Duran.  That’s a true story.  No way!  John Waters (Ricki’s Director on Hairspray… in Hairspray… Why can’t I figure the grammar out here?) just showed up to rehearsal.  Does it get cooler than that?  It does not…  Well, this is an odd choice of songs.  Why on earth would they pick this?  Was the list of songs that they cleared so bad that this was their best choice?  Ack, I’m gonna have this song in my head now too.  Awesome.  Ricki looks great out there but I just can’t wrap my brain around the Foxtrot to this song.  Bruno says they didn’t need to do the Roger Rabbit or the Running Man.  It just didn’t gel.  Carrie Ann agrees but like that they work as a team.  Len is all for the funk but not during the Fox Trot.  No you’re not, Len.  No, you’re not.  There is no part of you that is all for the funk.  Don’t even try and play.

Score – 24

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  This week I’m all about JR & Rob going home.  Seriously, he needs to go before it’s Broadway week and he tells us he’s never heard of Broadway.

Melissa:  I’m sticking with J.R. as my week’s favorite!


One response to “Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 5

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