America’s Next Top Model All-Stars – Week 5

One-Sentence Summary:  The models are visited (and saved) by the ghost of Michael Jackson.

My Thoughts: 

What Mr. Jay really thinks about the models.

Rachel:  I actually have no thoughts going into tonight’s show.  Isn’t that sad?  I’ve been sitting here staring at a blank white page thinking, “I’ve got nothing.”  I wonder if watching vacant models is having an adverse effect on me.  Is it possible that I am becoming vacant too?  Should I be packing up my sleeping bag and looking for the closest “Occupy” protest?  Probably.  Maybe.  But then I would miss a lot of bad TV and where would you be?  See how I’m always putting you first?  You can send me cheese and wine as thank you gifts if you feel so inclined.  No?  Ok, well I’m still here for the duration.  Let’s settle in and watch some girls pose.  Work!

There’s a New Sheriff In Town

While Angelea is celebraing her win, Shannon is doling out tickets for phone time using some fuzzy math. Bianca questions Shannon about it which sends her into tears. Thank goodness Lisa was there to scream and make a scene on Shannon's behalf.

So, if I’m understanding this correctly, by Shannon’s calculations, 10 girls have to use the phone in an hour and a half which gives them each 20 minutes of talk time.  Um, no.  Unless the girls live in a special time & space continuum – and I don’t put anything past Tyra – this is some really bad math.  It is also why Bianca, who apparently passed 4th grade division, asked Shannon to check her numbers.  Shannon responds by shaking & crying.  Reasonable response.  How about just pulling out some paper and showing your work like you’re supposed to?  Well, good thing Lisa is there to start screaming and distract the house from having to do math and starting a wildfire from all the brain smoke. Bianca calls Lisa “Sheriff of Top Model Town” and I like it.  She shall be known as that hereto forth. (Well, STMT because I’m too lazy to spell it each time.)

Really?  Seriously?

The girls head to Santa Monica Pier to do an all-star fashion show which will be a runway on a carousel. Fun! Whose clothes will they be modeling? The Kardashians. Less fun.

Seriously?  More of these women?  Ugh, I’m so irritated.  Won’t they please go away already?  They have nothing to offer except being loud and classless.  Why why WHYYYYY do people worship them?  No seriously, why?  If you’re one of the masses, please tell me why because I do not get it.  At all.  Oh look, Kris Jenner is there.  What a shock that the ringmaster is getting herself some more airtime as well.

OK, I’m composed again.  Besides, we know the real fun here is going to be watching models spin around a carousel and then jump off.  They actually do a pretty good job.  No one falls.  And, even though it KILLS me to say it, the clothes are actually pretty cute.  Dammit.  Angelea does her weird waving thing down the runway and Ms. Jay says she reminds him of his alcoholic aunt. Ha!  Good call.  Bre rocks the “dismount” off the carousel with a fun little spin.  The K girls can’t decide who the winner is so they pick two; Bre & Lisa win the challenge.

The Diva Returns

Jay calls Bianca out for bringing her anger onto the runway with her and she bursts into a rant on him about how mean the other girls are (with you) and how much harder she works than the rest of the models (lost you).

Oh Bianca, you make it so hard to root for you.  I was with you for a minute there because you really did get called out for no reason.  But when you start with the “I work harder than any girl here.” crap, well, I can’t get your back.  Try taking the high road for once.  Don’t even engage.  Walk away and they’ll find someone else to pick on.  It doesn’t help things that when they get back to the house, Bre “overhears” (read: eavesdrops) the other girls saying Bianca should drop out.  Do I actually need to tell you she goes running to tell Bianca?  No, I don’t.  That’s like Bre striking a match next to can of gasoline.  Something’s gonna go boom.

Let’s Beat It

The girls are going to be portraying Michael Jackson through the years for this week's photoshoot. Are they going to be true to all the shades of Michael Jackson through the years? La Toya Jackson shows up on-set to coach the girls and is the guest judge this week.

I have to admit I was (am?) a huge MJ fan so this is pretty fun.  Bianca takes the “everyone hates me” song & dance and rolls it into her photoshoot.  Bre seriously could have been MJ and my girl Kayla finally rocked a shoot.  Actually no one did a crap job as the feedback goes… Except for Angelea.  First to worst this week?  After Lisa’s shoot she gives everyone except Bianca a high-five.  And in case Bianca missed her intentions,  Shannon yells “Rejected!”  Oh, come on.  That is such stupid behavior.  Bianca actually takes the high road and just walks away.  There you go!  But Shannon start crying again because she “was only joking” and it’s not fair that everyone makes her feel like she has to be perfect. No, you just need to be responsible for what comes out of your mouth.  Oh she’s such a hypocrite.  She’s the one that flies the purity banner overhead all day long.  I’m ready for her to be sent packing.  Now.  Today.

Panel In Under 2 Minutes

The spirit of Michael Jackson saves all the girls this week.  Can you feel it?

Bottom Line: I’m happy my girl Kayla pulled it out this week… Yes, I know I forsake her a couple weeks back but I’m back on the bandwagon.  She actually looked like she had some life in her for a change.  Maybe that “free” thing is starting to make sense.  Still loving Laura.  Everyone else is still on a teeter-totter for me…

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