Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 4

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s Hollywood Theme Music Night and the stars dream of being in a movie someday.

OMG, Cher! Let me show my moves so you can cast me in your next video! I look fabulous in a leotard!

Our Thoughts:

Rachel: I’m thinking that movie theme music for the most part isn’t going to tug on my heartstrings and cause me to leak from my ocular area this week.  I’m counting on it.  I’m gonna lost all my street cred if I keep going soft every week.  Yeah, I have street cred here on the mean streets of Delray Beach.  Ok, no I don’t.  And the streets aren’t mean either.  But it’s really ticking me off that Dancing With The Stars has caused me to have feelings other than judgement and scorn.  Thankful that I still have The Housewives to mock.

Melissa:  Still reeling from the loss of Kristin last week and they’re going to throw Cher at me this week??  STOP THE INSANITY!!  OK, I lie… sorry – I don’t really care but I am disappointed we won’t get to see any more of Mark’s choreography.  I wonder though if the “stars” will be all in a dither finally getting a legitimate STAR in the house?  Take that Kardashian Bitches!!  Let’s top off our glasses folks… tonight’s drinking game:  crowd shots of Cher – DRINK!!  Tonight is Movie Theme night… judging from the costumes we’re in for a treat tonight with a clear Rocky shout out from Chaz.  Mad props to anyone who rocks out to “Holiday Road”.

Time Suckage Part I

We are treated to an opening dance sequence because now we don't have enough dancers to fill two hours.

Rachel:  They start out dancing the The Good The Bad & The Ugly, which just makes me think that it’s a metaphor for this show.  And Val’s chest again.  Enough already.  Look I like a nice set of abs as much as the next girl but I don’t like them shoved down my throat in a Right Said Fred kind of way. Please, cover up.  Now they’re shirtless to the theme from Star Wars with Light sabers… Ok I do have to admit the sound of the light saber whoosh makes me all giddy. I highly recommend the light saber app, BTW.  I’m not sure why the girls had to ditch the long skirts and change into ice skating uniforms for this number.  Eh, who cares.  It’s over.

Chynna Phillips

Chynna and Tony kick things off with the Tango to Mission Impossible.

Melissa:  I’m not sure what’s up with Chynna this week.  She’s just a confused mess.  By the looks of her, she knows it… As do the judges.  OK, so that being said she still rocked that dress. DAMN woman!  How many kids have you had??  Go on with your bad self!

Rachel:  I do love that Tony starts the dance being lowered from the ceiling a la La Cruise.  Chynna’s rocking that dress but not so much rocking that dance.  And halfway through she looks totally lost.  I think she’s suffering from the “I did so well last week & have to keep it up” pressure this week.  Len says it all went up the Swanee River.  I had no idea that’s where the dance goes when it goes bad.  Bruno says she’s “slash & burn hot” but she lost the plot.  I think those lyrics were in a hair band song back in the 80’s.  Carrie Ann says she lost her place but didn’t lose her composure.  She reminds her to have fun.

Score – 21

David Arquette

David and Kym dance the Paso Doble to "The Raiders March" from Raiders of the Lost Ark

Melissa:  Gotta say the whip makes me nervous. One false move and Cher could lose her wig.  Is it me or does anyone else catch glimpses of Deputy Dewey?  Amen Len… I didn’t see a tight buttocks either .  Don’t think this Winey Bitch isn’t always on the lookout for a tight buttocks.

Rachel: Poor David is dyslexic and keep straight his left from his right. Kinda makes dancing hard.  Ok, he just swung into the ballroom on a vine.  He wins.  I don’t care what comes next.  In my book, he wins.  And we get a glimpse at the abs again.  This dance rocks!  If the judges give him a crappy score, I’m gonna whip them.  Bruno loves the way he cracks his whip with his tight muscles and tight pants… I bet he does.  Carrie Ann is impressed with his bravado.  Len is less impressed.  He didn’t like the stomping feet and he says David has no shape.  Hmmm… I’m ok with his shape.

Score – 23

Time Suckage Part II

We waste more time with another Dance Troupe dance to "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" from Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid

Rachel:  Ok, I loved the movie and I loved this song when I was a kid.  And even though I’m always happy to hear a little BJ Thomas I really don’t need an extra 30 minutes of my night taken up with this.  I really don’t.  There’s a second song which apparently is from Dr. Zhivago.  I’ve seen it but I didn’t know the music and I have a feeling there are 3 people in the audience that did.  How about giving us a heads up if you’re not going to choose instantly recognizable tracks?  How about a heads up, regardless?

Carson Kressley

Carson and Anna dance the Viennese Waltz to the "Curse of the Black Pearl" from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Melissa:  I didn’t know there was an actual song.  I just always think it’s “A Pirate’s Life For Me” tune.  Just putting this out there… Someone should really grab those props scattered on the floor before one of them falls.  Meh, nothing fluid about this week’s dance, and I had such high hopes for Carson!  I’ll give him props on costume.

Rachel:  Anna & Carson are visited by stuntman Storm who is a big hulk of a man.  Needless to say, Carson was happy for the visit.  Wow, Carson doesn’t even look like himself with that hair & eyeliner.  I like it.  It works for him.  Len is going to hate that they have spent the first half of the dance not dancing.  I have to say Carson is getting better every week.  Carrie Ann felt like it was a weirder Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  She loves his performances but the technique is horrible.  Len says it’s like childbirth; terrible while it’s happening but a joy when it’s over.  Well, that was vivid.  But it was fun and he’d vote for him if he were at home.  Bruno wants to pitch Revenge of the Gay Blade.  I think he wants to play the blade.

Score – 20

Nancy Grace

Nancy & Tristan dance the Paso Doble to "Flash's Theme" from Flash Gordon by Queen

Melissa:   SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!  Nancy and Tristin get their Paso swerve on to Flash Gordon!!  I LOVE IT!  The dance however… not so much.  Not that she’s the best dancer, but it just wasn’t smooth.

Rachel:  Tristan goes to see Nancy Grace and tells her the fire she brings on her show she needs to bring this week to the dance.  I have to say she’s much more pleasant than I would have expected.  Don’t get crazy. I’m not Team Nancy or anything.  Just pointing that out.  OMG… This is hilarious.  I know it’s not supposed to be but the Flash Gordon theme is hilarious to me…. And something that my friend Mallory and I would sing when we would travel from Earth to Space… Otherwise known as going from my grandmother’s yard to the driveway.  We had vivid imaginations.  Don’t even get me started on The Village People.  I do love that Tristan is the only dancer with hair on his chest.  I wonder if there’s an on-staff waxer chasing him around backstage with muslin and hot wax.  Len didn’t think there was anything to love.  Bruno says she needs to become a ball breaker.  He says the character of the Paso is Carmen with about 17 rolled R’s.    Carrie Ann thinks she’s doing a great job.  She has solid technique.

Score – 21

Hope Solo

Hope & Maks dance the Foxtrot to "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story by Randy Newman

Melissa:  Once again we’re treated to Maks railing up and down poor Hope.  Dude, you need to relax a bit.  Yes it’s a competition, but come on.  Stop being a dick.  OK, maybe it paid off… She’s kinda rocking it tonight.

Rachel:  I’m with my partner here.  That was a lot of Maks saying “I don’t give a f**k”.  Lovely.  Definitely needs to relax.  But hey, she says they’re friends in the end of the day.  Mhmm.  The outfits are super cute.  I’ll give you that.  She actually looks pretty awesome this week.  Big thumbs up.  Wait, why is Donnie Osmond in the audience with Dr. Phil.?  And why do we not get to see who Hope ran over to see?  What are you hiding from us DWTS directors?  Bruno thought it was so lovely.  Carrie Ann said it made her smile the whole way through.  It was refreshing and unexpected.  Len thinks she could be here to the end but she has to keep working hard.  Harder than the others.

Score – 24

Rob Kardashian

Rob & Cheryl dance the Paso Doble to the Theme from Superman

Melissa: I don’t really get Cheryl’s Isis costume… How is that Superman?  I’m not feeling him… Not feeling the outfits… Not feeling the dance.

Rachel:  People think Rob’s the loser brother who’s never had a job but he’s committed to this competition & is working hard.  Wait, this is his job?  Please.  This kid works my nerves.  But remember how awesome Superman movies were back in the day?  Poor Chris Reeve.  Rob is doing a good job tonight and I was going to let the anger go be all “Go Rob Go” until he revealed the glitter K under his shirt.  Back to working my nerves.  Carrie Ann says he is strong the way a man should be on the dance floor.  Len thinks he wasn’t manly enough but he liked it.  Bruno says he has to reach through his body…  Rob’s not Bruno’s though I’m sure he’d like the latter.

Score – 24

Ricki Lake

Ricki & Derek dance the Tango to the Theme from Psycho

Melissa:  Wow, I’m loving this!!  I totally score that a 10, if I get a vote… The music was perfect.  The choreography was fantastic!

Rachel:  Derek is having a hard time with the music so imagine the joy ride it is for Ricki.  It’s so much fun that she wants to quit.  She, of course, does not. I do like that they start the dance behind a white screen in silhouette.  That might have been the worst piece of music to choreograph a dance to but they managed to make it work.  It was pretty amazing, actually.  Len says she always delivers.  Bruno thought it was bombastic and worthy of 3 sequels  Wha??  Carrie Ann said she’s brilliant in the ballroom.  They get the first 10’s of the season.

Score – 29

Chaz Bono

As if gay icon Cher wasn’t enough, they tossed us a little Richard Simmons cameo as well. Wow, time has not been kind to his hairline.  Might be time to crop the ‘fro.  Chaz & Lacey dance the Paso Doble to “Gonna Fly Now” from Rocky

Promises are kept and Cher is in attendance.

Melissa:  Come on every one… Give me an ADRIAN!!  Wait, they’re not going to screw me with Eye of the Tiger are they??  Whew, thank you for that DWTS!!  I am worried about Richard Simmons… Talk about needing to have a cookie!  Sorry Chaz, not feeling this at all.  And someone please grab the defibrillator for that run up the stairs!!

Rachel:  Sweet Jesus what is happening on Richard Simmons’ head?  I do love the Rocky boxing montage.  Pretty awesome.  And damn if they didn’t make us earn our Cher tonight.  You know that’s why Chaz is going second to last.  Had to hook us for the full 2 hours.  Hey look at Chad go!  He’s not horrible tonight.  He’s not necessarily good either but he’s got a pep in his step.  Yay Cher!  There she is!  Well at least I think it is.  I can hardly tell with all that filler.  And what is happening on her head?  Oh, but I do love me a Cher moment.  Bruno says Chaz keeps fighting and he’s getting stronger.  Carrie Ann is crying and she doesn’t know why.  She thinks it’s his courage.  Len agrees he’s getting stronger.  Best dance to date.  Oh Cher’s crying… Great, now I’m crying.  This show is killing me.

Score – 21

JR Martinez

J.R. and Karina dance the Fox Trot to the Them from The Pink Panther

Melissa:  Yet another great song!  LOVE IT!  Love the costumes, love the dance, love the song – and a little ass shaking… Didn’t I just say I likes me some buttocks??  Wait CarrieAnn, there should be no humor for Pink Panther??  Um, have you not seen the Pink Panther?

Rachel: This is some fun music to dance to.  He’s really such a good dancer.  He definitely has real talent.  And I love the pink suit.  You know Carson wants to take that home with him.  Seriously, how can you not love this kid?  He’s so lovable and it has zero to do with the accident.  Carrie Ann thought it fell flat for her.  They didn’t need the humor.  I didn’t need her review.  Len thinks it was the best male dance of the night.  He enjoyed the tweak of humor.  Bruno thinks he’s versatile and he’s great.

Score – 26

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  This week I’m all about JR & David.  I think though that David might be on the line.

Melissa:  I’m going with J.R. and Ricki this week.


2 responses to “Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 4

  1. really incredible, I like it. I will spread the word about your site Keep up the good content, very interesting. THanks, Mark

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