One-Sentence Summary: Someone’s story stunk and they’re getting the boot.
Rachel: Dammit, I may actually watch tonight’s full show because I loves me some Mary J and Estelle. And how can I pass up Len dancing? I imagine it to be somewhere along the lines of Gene Kelly’s “I’m old but I’m still moving” dance scene from Xanadu. Oh don’t pretend you haven’t seen Xanadu. And if you’re not pretending, I suggest you run out right now and rent it. Or stream it. Or whatever you crazy kids are doing these days. Afterwards, when you’re dying for your own ribbon barrettes, give me a shout. I can hook you up. I was smart enough this week not to fall for any of their teasing and watch the first hour. Instead I watched 90210 again and I don’t feel good about that. I think that show might actually be worse than reality TV. The fashion’s better but that’s about it. Not that that’s a bad thing necessarily. But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to find out who told their last story.
A Worthy Performance
Mary J in the house!!! This may be the first time in DWTS Elimination history that I’m not using the fast forward button… Even if it means being exposed to Val’s chest again. Damn, that boy loves to rock an open shirt. But even he can’t ruin a performance by Queen Mary J.
Things That Bore Me
Ok here’s the comedy routine. Six Degrees of DWTS… Fail. Tom Bergeron says he just got a headache. Join the club. Come have a seat, Tom, and pour yourself a glass. We’re on the honor system here. Just leave a few bucks in the tip jar.
Now it’s time for the troupe dance and another Val dance. The most interesting thing is that he manages to keep his pecs undercover for a whole song. So, apparently next week is movie score week. Somebody had better dance to something from Sound of Music or I’m gonna be pissed. Oooh,Peta’s wearing a navy blue dress. Granted it’s all, well, Southern Belle’d out but I am obsessed with Navy satin dresses. I don’t know why but I am. I also don’t know why I just told you that.
We are taken to the next commercial break by Julianne Hough who says she’ll be back next week and dancing for her new movie, Footloose. First of all, it’s not a NEW movie. It’s a remake. Second of all, I call total shenanigans on said remake. As someone who grew up with the original, I sit in protest. And next week I will sit with my remote and fast forward out of principle. Don’t let it ever be said that I don’t take a stand against the wrongs of the world.
They’re puling out all the stops to make me watch this week. I am digging Estelle singing The Twist. No way! Chubby Checkers just showed up! And for the record, I actually just yelled that out loud to the exactly zero people in the room. I’m starting to worry about myself and wishing I had a Life Alert on hand for when I stroke out from all the good fun I’m having. And now Len is dancing. This isn’t exactly the grand dance I was expecting but I don’t want him to break a hip or anything. Dayum Chubby those pants are tight. If your name is Chubby, the odds are you probably shouldn’t be wearing skinny jeans. Ha… The snark! It hasn’t totally abandoned me. Whew.
Oooh Mary J is back and looking fierce in her outfit. She is not rocking blue leather knee-high boots… Girl! Loving it! Ok, I may need to see a shrink tomorrow because I am actually having fun tonight. I can feel the bitterness seeping out of my pores. What’s happening! DWTS is my kryptonite!
The first 3 couples on the stage for possible elimination… JR & Karina, Ricki & Derek and Chaz & Lacy. Gosh, I wonder which couple is going to be on the chopping block. During the recap, they show JR telling Chaz that he’s an inspiration too. Oh dammit, I’m crying again. Must be hormones. Yeah, hormones. That explains tonight. Ahem, back to business. JR & Karina and Ricki & Derek are safe. Well, smack my ass and call me Sally! Chaz & Lacy are safe too! Nice! Next on the block… Carson & Anna, Hope & Maks, Nancy & Tristan and Rob & Cheryl. Rob & Cheryl and Nancy & Tristan are safe. Carson & Anna and Hope & Maks are in jeopardy. Chynna & Tony, Kristin & Mark and David & Kym are up next. Chynna & Tony and David & Kim are safe. Kristin & Mark are in jeopardy.
The Results: We’re back to a random bottom 2. I so do not get that. At all. Comes down to Hope & Maks and Kristin & Mark. Kristin and Mark are going home. I guess that being a bitch on reality TV thing doesn’t always pay off. We all know I’m not sad to see her go but I am sad to see Mark go. He is the best choreographer on the show.
Rachel: Well, this is playing out nicely. I haven’t had one “sad to see you go” moment yet. That, of course, does not portend well for me going forward. Chaz lives to see another week so Cher promises she’ll be in the audience next week. Hell yeah! Rainbow flags are flying all over America right now.