Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Week 5: $25,000 Sunglasses

One Sentence Summary: Brandi isn’t the only one causing waves this week in Beverly Hills.

Our Thoughts:

Taylor realizes she's becomes too skinny to support the weight of her lips.

Melissa:  OK, the Nyquil might be kicking in, but is the title of this episode really $25K sunglasses?  Is it just me or is it absolutely ridiculous that someone would actually pay a year’s college tuition for a pair of sunglasses?  Do they make you your morning coffee while giving you a massage and pedicure?  I digress. This week we’re treated to a BBQ at Adrienne’s… Hopefully that means Bernie will get some airtime (I love that houseman)!!

Rachel:  Here we go, Brandi Glanville.  You had better bring it because Camille is boring the crap out of me this season.  She’s still Camille but I am not hating her.  I refuse to admit I’m starting to like her because I believe that to be a mirage of editing.  Anyway,  I need some real diva attitude.  Whatcha got?  Come on! Let that Bitter Betty out!  Channel visions of Leann Rimes and her washboard ribs and then just let it flow.  Personally, I could never marry someone as good looking as Eddie Cibrian (Let us pretend, for a moment, that someone as good looking as Eddie Cibrian would entertain the idea of marrying me) because I would be convinced he was being seduced by a supermodel at every turn.  Turns out Eddie was… And my paranoid insecurity gets validation.  Thank you.

You Didn’t Put “Black Tie” On The Evite

Dana is a friend of Taylor's who answers the door in a tiara and a boob dress in the middle of the day. She doesn't always dress this way though. It's for the wedding she's planning. M'kay... She keeps the ladies waiting while she finishes her meeting with her stylist then meets them for lunch in her dining room that has two tables. While everyone struggles to understand that, she tells Taylor & Kyle about her 18-month-old son who reads, counts, speaks Thai & takes Pilates.

Melissa:  Sorry, now I know you all want me to be all sorts of Judge Judy up in here, but truth be told… I own 2 tiaras… yeah, that’s how I roll, and I’m not afraid to admit it.  That being said, I’m not sure I’m grooving with the new housewife though, I need more time with her to pass proper Winey Bitch judgement.  So far she just seems a bit loud and trying WAY too hard..

Rachel:  Apparently this outfit is for the wedding she’s planning.  What part of the wedding exactly?  Taylor says Dana is over the top & likes to make an entrance.  Ya think?  I like how she pretends to get “caught” in this outfit.  The fact that she actually invited Kyle & Taylor to lunch at the exact time that they showed up isn’t too much of a give-away.  She then tells us she taught her son to read and to speak Thai at 18 months.  He also takes pilates and knows the solar system.  Let’s pretend for a moment that I believe any of that is true, I must ask why Thai of all languages?  Do you love mi krob that much?  Well, at least the kid will have a solid core from the pilates classes.  It’s never too early to fight the spare tire.

Another Job For Lisa

Kim & Kyle's manager Bette offers Lisa the opportunity to be a special correspondent for CNN's coverage of the Royal Wedding... Kate & William for those that didn't turn on their TVs for the entire month that every network in the world talked about it incessantly.

Rachel:  Lisa is wine tasting at Villa Blanca.  Ok, that is a job I can handle.  Sign me up!  Too bad Bette doesn’t have any offers for her other clients…. aka: Kim & Kyle.  I’m waiting for the day Two Winey Bitches get to be special correspondents; although it’s more likely to be on VH1 than on CNN.  As Bette leaves, she asks Lisa to give her best to Kim… I guess she’s sitting on that Celebrity Rehab offer right now.

Melissa:  So, Kyle and Kim’s Agent is asking Lisa to cover the Royal Wedding?  Really?  Hmmm… How did I miss that??  I was glued to the television to watch all the coverage – And by “all” I mean right down to the Lifetime Movie about their relationship (much to my husband’s mockery).

Bitter Party of Two 

Taylor invites Brandi to meet for lunch (aka: drinks) because she felt a kinship (aka: mutual bitterness) with her when they met. Brandi tells us that she got cheated on throughout her entire marriage and found out about Leann Rimes on the cover of a magazine. Then she introduces Taylor to her new favorite excuse for looking like Skeletor: The Divorce Diet. It's the phenomenon of eating tons of food while losing extreme weight during a stressful time... minus the eating tons of food part.

Melissa: Wait, is that Taylor going to a restaurant??  No, never mind, she’s just having drinks with Brandi – Whew, wouldn’t want to actually see her ingest anything so we could stop talking about how thin she’s become.  Cue Taylor getting to talk about her marriage counseling.  Really, I get it, you’re trying to work on your marriage… No offense girl, I think about 75% of married couples are working on their marriages and half of those are most likely in therapy.  It doesn’t make you special.  It makes you married.  Can we move on?

Rachel:  Yikes.  I don’t care how shitty a marriage Brandi & Eddie had or how bad a wife she was, that’s harsh.  It didn’t help that every moment of her humiliation was fodder for the gossip rags.  But hey, now she’s a Housewife.  Doesn’t that make it all better?  No?  Wait, wasn’t Taylor one of the Mean Girls poking fun at Brandi and cackling like a hyena at Kyle’s party?  I guess misery loves company.  Any excuse to talk about herself.

Well This Is Awkward

Kim is dusting pictures and giving her housekeeper a lesson... No, not on dusting procedures but on the history of her children.

Rachel:  Oh, that poor housekeeper.  She just wanted to rip the cloth from Kim’s hand and go back to her quiet anonymous world of ignoring Kim & pretending she doesn’t know where her pills are. 

Everything’s My Business

Lisa & Ken have dinner with Kyle & Mauricio and the ever-present subject of Taylor is brought up, yet again. Kyle takes Lisa to task over telling Taylor that she's not her friend. Too bad Kyle didn't actually hear Lisa say that.

Melissa:  Giggy is at the restaurant again… Do you think Lisa will just pop him up on the table to dine with Kyle and Mauricio?  Ah, the point of the meal is for Kyle to debrief Lisa on her lunch with Dana and discuss Taylor and her issues.  Just a side word or two for Lisa… Giggy is a DOG.  Not a person.  I get you love the dog and you are putting all your maternal instincts onto the dog, but it is a dog nonetheless.  He doesn’t need to sit at the table or drink from the china.

Rachel: Seriously Kyle, STFU.  This isn’t your business.  You don’t actually know what Lisa said to Taylor.  But you know who does?  Lisa.  You know who else does?  The entire freaking viewing audience.  You know what Lisa didn’t say?  Yep, you guessed it!  Besides, I thought Taylor found her voice this season?  Let her defend herself instead of you doing it for her.  She might need to watch some Alex McCord “I Found My Voice” clips so she knows the level of commitment one has to make to that statement.

Look At Me!  Look At Me!  I Have Money Too!

It's time for Adrienne's Wednesday afternoon BBQ. Dana's back and this time she is sporting $25,000 sunglasses. Guess who's getting mugged next time she's out strolling the streets of Bev Hills? Brandi & Camille bond over their very public and very humiliating divorces.

Rachel:  A barbecue on a Wednesday?  Does nobody work in Beverly Hills? Poor Taylor.  She thought she had the Bitter Brandi party cornered, but it turns out it was a fleeting honor as Camille shows up and trumps her with an “I’ll see you a collapsed marriage and raise you a public humiliation.”  Dana says her sunglasses were $25k.  I say you’re an asshole.  Why does anyone need to know what you spent?  It doesn’t make you look cool.  I makes you look like a shallow idiot.  BTW… What is gold python?  Apparently, I’m so broke I don’t even get to know about such rare precious metals.  

Melissa:  Time for Adrienne’s BBQ!!  OK, has Camile hopped the fence and D.D. is her new girlfriend?  I swear, I don’t think I spent this much time with my college roommate when we actually lived together.  Oh, so it’s Dana who bought the ridiculous sunglasses!  Yeah, I’m gonna have to be a little Judge Judy here… Who does that?  Instead of doing something worthwhile with the $25K you have to buy yourself an ugly pair of sunglasses?  Are you kidding me, woman??  If you are dumb enough to pay $25K for a pair of sunglasses, you are dumb enough to lose them at a coffee shop.  I don’t get why she is so forcibly over the top.  I’m sure she is here to bring the extravagance to the group, but it’s silliness and pure self-indulgence if you ask me.  OK, I guess I’ve drawn my conclusions on this Housewife.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

After Brandi's child strips naked and pees on Adrienne's lawn, she further ingratiates herself with the women by using the word "cock" and insulting their delicate sensitivities.

Rachel:  Let me tell you what would have happened to my brother if he peed on someone’s lawn at a party…  I’m pretty sure he’d still be grounded.  He’s 37.  Brandi forget to tell her son that he is to pee ONLY on Leann Rimes’s lawn.  Oh surprise, Kim is MIA.  Kim is at home but probably thinks she’s already at the party.  Actually, Kim won’t come without her kids… And by kids, she means assortment of airplane-size bottles of booze.  Oh look, Dana’s wunderkind is there… Can he speak Thai for us?  Never mind… No time for that.  It’s time to discuss Taylor’s eating yet again.  Taylor says she ate a hamburger & a hot dog.  I’m gonna go with no she didn’t.  Divorce diet my ass.

Camille drops the “Big hands.  Big Feet.  Big disappointment.” line about Kelsey and Kyle doesn’t get it.  Brandi help her out and lets her know that Camille means “cock”. Kyle is visibly shocked.  Possibly shaken.  But not stirred.  Really Kyle?  It was crass.  I’ll give you that.  But it’s not a big enough deal to have such the dramatic reaction.  Girl, you are sliding down the likability pole like it’s greased with Crisco.  Brandi isn’t really helping herself though with the potty mouth…

Bottom Line:

Rachel: Oh, I may be the only one in the world happy it’s a Monday next week.  The shi… er, poop (Don’t want to offend the delicate ears out there)… is about to hit the fan about Kim’s addiction issues.  If this photo (click here) doesn’t get you excited about next week, you’re probably visiting the wrong website. 

Melissa: More concern about Kim and maybe a little proof of her… um, habits.  Looks like Brandi’s “balls to the wall” approach isn’t going to sit well with the ladies.  Someone needs to explain to her how this all works… You don’t call it like you see it.  You wait until you’re at lunch and gossip about behind their backs.  Sheesh, has she not watched the show??

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2 responses to “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Week 5: $25,000 Sunglasses

  1. Omgosh this was hilarious! I can not wait to see Kim being called out for her drug addiction. Though I don’t see how that would be a shock to anyone, she’s obviously on crack…I think all the viewers have guessed at that. How else can her antics be explained? And ugh, giggy gets on my nerves. Though personally I’m mad at Paris Hilton for solidifying the fact years ago, that if you’re slightly famous for no real reason and have a shit ton of money you need a small dog with you wherever you go.

    Thanks for posting this!

    • Down here in Florida, little dogs that you take everywhere are as commonplace as adult diapers. Drives me crazy. They even cart them around in baby strollers!

      As for Kim, she’s just a big bag of crazy. A blind man could see she was blitzed out of her mind! The recap from Monday should be up soon! Sorry we’re a bit behind. 😦

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