Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 3

One-Sentence Summary:  This week we get personal as the stars share their most memorable year with us.

You have never heard of Guys & Dolls or Frank Sinatra? Don't make me get out of this seat and go all Bruno on your tight little ass!

Our Thoughts:

Rachel: Oh boy… It’s story night.  AKA Get to know your “stars” better.  I wonder who is going to win the “Chelsea Kane It’s All About Me” award for most self-promoting story… I’m gonna go with K. Cav.  Call me a psychic if you must but I’m gonna have to say that her waters don’t run all that deep.  I wonder if Elisabetta’s story would have been about George dumping her.  That would be my saddest year.  Although this is a rough crew when you think about it..  There’s been some life lived up in here.  I’m just hoping Chaz’s story will turn some of the haters’ hearts towards a little more compassion.  Yeah, I know.  Dreaming.

Melissa:  I’m back and completely caught up thanks to my partner’s brilliant write-ups!  I might need to apologize now… I’m all hopped up on cold medicine and maybe a little somethin-somethin in my tea, so I have no control.  I don’t mean to sound bitchy (Well maybe just a skosh), but why does it take a whole 5 minutes of intro?  This show really doesn’t have to be 2 hours long.  Anywho… this week is all about magical memorable years… the year that changed everything for our fleet footed friends. We’re down to the remaining 10 couples so let’s shake our groove thing and see what these teams have for us this week shall we?

Rob Kardashian

Rob's most memorable year was the year his father, Robert Kardashian of OJ Simpson trial fame, passed. He & Cheryl honor his father by dancing the Foxtrot to his favorite song, "Fly Me To The Moon" by Frank Sinatra.

Melissa:  We start with our standard Kardashian airtime plot from Mamma Jenner… I mean Kardashian… Wait, has she changed her name back to Kardashian yet?  The kid ain’t bad. A little heavy in the feet and stiff-ish, but not bad.  I could do without all the face time his family wants to steal from him.

Rachel:  Very sad…  To be left alone with those evil women.  Ok hold on… Every time I think I might be able to like this kid he makes a jackass comment.  Rob says his dad was so good looking.  Cheryl agrees and tells him he looks like his dad.  Rob says, Thank you… Yeah I know.  Whatever dude.  But I give credit where it’s due and he did an awesome job on the dance floor.  Very dashing as Len says.  Bruno is spouting about a dominatrix and Guys & Dolls… which Rob has never heard of.  Apparently, he had never heard of Frank Sinatra either until Cheryl enlightened him this week.  Ugh… Why am I surprised the kid hasn’t been raised with culture?

Score – 24

Chynna Phillips

Chynna had abandonment and substance abuse issues growing up. Her most memorable year is when she decided it was time to take back her life and get clean. She wrote "Hold On" about the pain she was feeling and it was a catharsis for her. Chynna & Tony dance the Rumba to "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips.

Melissa:  The Rumba is another of my favorite dances.  Oh, maybe hubby Billy will be in the audience and I’ll be rewarded for my efforts.  She’s good once again. Carrie Ann just called her butter – so you know my internal voice sounds off with “it’s like butta”. 

Rachel: Yeah, that’s one messed up family… Mackenzie Phillips anyone?  Same Phillips family.  Generally, I’d give someone a world of shit for dancing to their own song but this one comes from a good place so I’m gonna let it slide.  Besides Bridesmaids made me not hate this song and I think this might push me to like.  She looks beautiful but I wanted a bit more energy… or maybe Tyra fierceness.  Regardless of my amateur critiquing, it was really a great dance.  Bruno thinks she should be in a museum to be admired.  Carrie Ann said she’s stunning.  Len approves.

Score – 26

Chaz Bono

Chaz's most memorable year was this past year when he went through the process of becoming a man. He chose a song by his father about being able to love yourself in the face of harsh criticism. He & Lacy dance the Rumba to "Laugh At Me" by Sonny Bono.

Melissa:  Chaz and Lacy go at the Rumba – But really, what’s with the Fred Flintstone look Chaz??  OK, not bad… But not great. I get he’s trying his ass off, but what’s with the flicks of the girlie hands?

Rachel:  So let me tell you Chaz’s story… Wait, you know it?  Where would you have heard his story?  You say it’s been on the news?  Get out.  Seriously though, it’s really so brave what he’s gone through in such a public manner with idiots hating on him for no reason.  I know I should be focused on the dancing but all I can see is how unflattering both those outfits are.  Mary, that’s bad.  No, I’m not jumping on the “Lacy’s fat” bandwagon because I actually appreciate that she has curves.  What I don’t appreciate is that outfit.  Carrie Ann is touched by his courage but he didn’t dance enough.  Len disagrees and thinks it was his best dance yet.  I honestly have no idea what Bruno said… I was distracted by those outfits.

Score – 18

Kristin Cavallari

Kristin's Her most important year was 2005 when she chose to be reality star in LA instead of going to college. Yep, that's right. She and Mark dance the Samba to "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce.

Melissa:  2005… The year she graduated high school – annoying young skinny bitch.  They aren’t bad, but we all know it’s Mark.  Um, let’s just set the record straight… She CANNOT booty shake like Beyonce. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have enough ass to actually get a proper rump shake going on.

Rachel:  Ding ding ding!  I win! The self-serving story of the night!  I realize not every story has to rip your heart out of your body but really?  Her most important year was when she chose to be reality star in LA vs go to college?  Now, there’s a role model for young girls everywhere.  Give me a break.  Seriously, this girl is as deep as a kiddie pool.  She’s even doing the Chelsea Kane pucker!  Let’s just say Beyonce she ain’t.  The judges are gonna love her though.  Hey, Jay Cutler’s there!  I guess he figured he might as well enjoy something being that it isn’t currently his QB rating.  Len doesn’t love the Beyonce stuff… It’s not his cup of tea… but she was fabulous otherwise.  Bruno says she’s a fast-moving Devil woman.  Carrie Ann says pretty darn good.

Score – 24

Carson Kressley

Carson talks about growing up gay & dorky and feeling like there's something wrong about you. It's about feeling different. Queer Eye showed him it's ok to be proud of who he is. It was the first time he ever felt that. He & Anna dance the Tango to "It's My Life" by No Doubt.

Melissa:   I do love how much fun he has with every dance.  I don’t know if it’s me or the cough syrup or too much brandy in the tea talking or all of the above but I thought he was actually quite good.  I have to say I was terribly concerned when I saw the first black jacket… Thank you for not disappointing me!

Rachel:  He’s such a crap dancer but dammit if he’s isn’t so fun to watch.  The shoe grab at the end was a genius touch.  Bruno thought it was insanely brilliant.  Carrie Ann loves him just the way he is and he brings the drama.  Len says he put the “boy” in flamboyant.  Quote of the night!  Kinda pissed I didn’t come up with it.

Score – 23

J.R. Martinez

He tells us about that his most memorable year is the year he had his accident in Iraq and the first time he saw his face. He became so depressed and upset that he wished he hasn't survived. When his mother told him that now someone will love you for you and not what you look like, it made him realize that he had to fight and he did from that day on. He is dedicating his song to the soldiers that don't make it home. He & Karina dance the Rumba to "If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw.

Melissa:  I’ve said it before… He’s my boy!  Love the heart and spirit he has.  Aw man, clearly the meds are kicking in and I’m getting a tear in the eye… Quick, think of something mean!  DAMN IT, I GOT NOTHING!!  Rock on J.R… Rock on my friend.

Rachel:  His is such a heartbreaking yet inspiring story.  Ok, I’m crying…  Like sobbing crying.  Doesn’t help that I rewound it to show my grandmother which ended with us both in tears.  I’m pretty sure it was an amazing dance but it was hard to see through the blur.  See people, I’m not dead inside.  Just needed a little JR thaw.  Oh shit… And then they show us children who are burn victims in the audience???  Are you trying to kill me DWTS?  Carrie Ann said he’s a hero and tonight he did something extraordinary.  It was one of the most profound and honest dances.  Len says he dances to a level that is totally unexpected;  beautiful and poingant.  Bruno says he danced from his heart and he felt it.  It was a great achievement.  A critique that I understood from Bruno!  A great achievement indeed!

Score – 26

Nancy Grace

Her most memorable year is the year her twins were born. She was rushed to the hospital with fluid in her heart & lungs. She didn't know if her daughter was going to die after the twins were born via emergency c-section. She wants her kids to see her doing something beautiful and magical so she & Tristan are dancing the Waltz to "Moon River" by Andy Williams, which is the first lullaby she ever sang to her twins.

Melissa: Man, first soldiers, now premies?!  What the hell are these people doing to me??  And YOU Nancy… What’s up with showing your soft underbelly?  I almost don’t fear you… Almost I said.  A pretty dance, and no nip slip.

Rachel:  Gotta go with my partner here Nancy, you’re really not living up to your scary reputation.  What’s going on?  Are you lulling us into a false sense of security?  I have to hand it to her though…  She worked it out tonight and kept it all in her dress too!  Len wants her to have better posture but she showed the emotion of the dance.  Bruno thought it was soft and dreamy.  Carrie Ann thought it was a live-action lullaby.

Score – 21

Ricki Lake

Ricki went through a bad divorce last year and her house burned down. That is a rough year. But she met a man when she thought she would never find love and is happier than she ever thought she could be. She & Derek dance the Rumba to "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles.

Melissa:  Pretty dance I must say.  I got nothing bad for any of this.

Rachel:  Very sweet story.  I like that she chose the song because it’s about letting go so that she could feel true love.  She did great tonight.  Super beautiful dance.  I’m tearing up again… WTH!?!?  I need to watch a prison movie or something.  Bruno says it was the actor dancing at her best.  Carrie Ann is singing again because Ricki is on fiiiiiirrrrre!  Len congratulates her on dancing Derek’s routine so well.  She grabs the top score of the night.

Score – 27

Hope Solo

This year is her year because the US Women's Team made it to the finals. They didn't win and she realized for the first, especially as an athlete, that sometimes it is about the journey and not the win. She & Makes dance the Cha Cha Cha to "Tonight (I'm Lovin' You) by Enrique Iglesias.

Melissa:  Gotta say, favorite part was Hope landing her foot on Maks’… um… man parts.  Personally I’m shocked he didn’t suggest they go to a strip club so she could see some “sexy” dancing.  Yeah, I put that out there.  She has to work on her girlie walk… Could have told you that… She’s an athlete.

Rachel:  I like the story.  Maks is less impressed and would like her to start to embrace her sexy.  She repays him by stomping on his balls.  Hee hee.  Oy… She tries this week to put the dude-dancing to rest but yeah… Didn’t so much work.  Carrie Ann sees the potential but she needs to work on her walk.  Len thought the actual Cha Cha Cha was very good.  Bruno thinks the sexy minx was out of the cage.  Gag.  Ok, so I’m the only one not on board with this dance apparently.

Score – 24

David Arquette

David picked this last year as his most memorable. His marriage fell apart and he escaped into alcohol... And in a super public way. Anyone recall that Howard Stern interview? But now he has it together and he wants to show his daughter that it's all going to be ok. He & Kim are dancing the Rumba to "Ooh Child" by Five Stairsteps.

Melissa:  One of my favorite songs so I’m already bought into this performance, but his hip swagger is about as fluid as Kristin’s ass shaking.  I still like him. I don’t care for the cheetah print, but like him.

Rachel: Whoa… Hold the phone.  Look at those abs on Mr. Arquette.  Hercules!  Hercules!  I like the dance too!  Vast improvement over last week.  Have I mentioned the abs?  Len thought it was great mix of emotion and motion.  Bruno says he brought sensitivity and vulnerability to the performance.  Carrie Ann thinks it was a very nice comeback.  He brought so much more of himself this week.  Yeah, more abs.

Score – 24

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Estelle, Mary J and Len dancing tomorrow night… Are you kidding me?  I might actually not use the FF button!  Oh and this week I’m all about JR, Chynna & David.

Melissa:  I’ll vote J.R., Ricki and Chynna for this week.


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