One Sentence Summary: The girls get a glimpse at the newest Housewife and the diamond-tipped claws come out in full force.
Melissa: OK, let’s catch ourselves up with Adrienne and Paul’s life threatening adventure… the basketball game. In honor of my Cali ladies, I’m having a little Cambria Pinot Noir. I do loves me some Cambria… So thank you Santa Maria Valley for the lovely fortification this evening.
Rachel: It’s really sad how excited I am to watch this show every week. And it’s even sadder that I keep admitting it to you all. I don’t know what it is about these ladies that sucks me in, spins me around and spits me out an hour later wanting more. I think someone should start planning an Intervention for me… OH! New show idea! Intervention for people who are addicted to really stupid shit… Like the Housewives… or Star Wars figures. I think you could actually watch that and not feel like throwing yourself down a flight of steps afterwards. And speaking of interventions, perhaps it’s time for Kim’s? Perhaps someone other than Kyle during a fit of blind rage will acknowledge that Kim’s flag is only flying at half-mast these days. Maybe?
Crazy Say “What?”
Melissa: Apparently Kim has gone off the wagon… and maybe rolled down the road a bit. I’m feeling bad about watching this descent into destruction. I have to question what the hell Adrienne was thinking inviting Kim to such a tough night – watching some hoops. I’m with you girl… watching basketball is rough! Especially with coo-coo for cocoa puffs along for the ride.
Rachel: I’m not sure Kim was ever on the wagon. I’m thinking it’s more like she got run over by the wagon as it went flying past her. And I’m just going to venture a guess that we’re not talking booze here. I’m pointing the narcotics finger at her; a big foam one full of judgement and scorn. That being said, no Adrienne, she doesn’t grasp how hard this is for you. She’s doesn’t even grasp that the wheels on the bus go round and round right now. I do give Adrienne credit though for showing up to the last game and letting herself be seen. I’m not going to pretend to have any idea what she’s dealing with. So, a Chelsea Handler tip of the hat.
Melissa: Lisa is determined to extend SUR… and wants to make sure her business partners know there’s going to be lots of work… for them that is. Her plan is to come in, have dinner a glass of wine then go home at 10 while they do the work. Whoa, wait… did she just try to wipe her face on a child’s dress??
Confidentiality Has It’s Merits – For The Staff
Melissa: More from Taylor and her marriage issues – she’s made the paper. Personally, I’m kinda getting tired of Taylor and her issues… The girl needs to eat a cookie… or a cheesesteak… anything! She looks dreadful this skinny. She’s even in the papers over her being too skinny… Um, YEAH!! But wait, her people have confidentiality agreements?? Hmmm… That would have made my life SOOOOO much easier had I taken that route… Oh the antics I could have gotten away with… I digress. Perhaps the libations are going to my head.
Rachel: It’s getting harder and harder to look at Taylor. It’s also getting harder and harder to listen to Taylor. I feel like I’m supposed to have on my sensitivity hat when talking about her this season but a) I lost that hat years ago and b) she’s making it really hard with her drama. I know it’s a rough situation but the “If you’re not with me, you’re against me” attitude is wearing me out. Besides didn’t she just say last week, on camera, that she doesn’t eat? I have news for you Taylor, that was broadcast to millions of people. So, the fact that someone said it in a paper might actually not be that big of a deal. I get that the show isn’t actually ON the television when you say something during filming but you do know those cameras are there for a reason… And that reason is video… with sound.
They Had To Give Her One Scene
Melissa: Oh goodie… Camile and DD go paddleboard and wetsuit shopping – My evening is complete! Yep, I’m doing my most sarcastic Ren and Stimpy “Happy Happy Joy Joy!!” She was she more fun when she was a snarky bitch who name dropped. Granted it was her husband’s name, but still. I miss that Jesus complex of hers.
Rachel: Oh look, D.D. is running errands with Camille so she has someone to talk about herself with. BTW… Speaking of friends that she lost in the divorce (Oh, she was talking about friends she lost in the divorce), I wonder what happened to her hottie guy friend that was married to the most understanding (or naive) woman on the planet? I’m gonna venture a guess here that, after watching her husband on TV last season, she put a much shorter leash on her man. Good looking out. Be wary the woman friend that doesn’t know where “the line” is.
It’s My Party & I’ll Claw If I Want To
Melissa: I’m still trying to understand why we need to see so much of Kyle’s party prep. Let’s just get to the fireworks and introduce the ex-Mrs. Eddie Cibrian. Personally, I really wouldn’t know who she was if her ex didn’t run off like a country music song… or with it’s singer.
Taylor thinks Lisa is the one who alerted the press about her weight loss?? Um no sweetie, the fact that you resemble Skeletor (and not in the good way where we get to see Dolph) is why people are calling out your weight issues. EAT A STEAK – WITH POTATOES – AND MAYBE SOME BACON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! Finally, Adrienne’s friend (and Housewife du jour) Brandi (ex-Mrs. Cibrian) shows up. Brandi has been sighted with Cedric, which you KNOW pisses off Lisa. And you know if Lisa doesn’t like you, she’ll rally the troops!
Rachel: Ok, I think Lisa had the best of intentions when confronting Taylor about her weight but maybe in the middle of a party wasn’t the most ideal place to have the conversation. Besides, Taylor is clearly going to hear what she wants to hear being that Lisa said she wasn’t “masquerading as her best friend” and she heard “I’m not your friend.” Mission not accomplished. But apparently Lisa doesn’t get the “time & place” adage as she then accosts Brandi Glanville about being friends with Cedric. But the most inappropriate moment of the night was Kyle, Taylor and Faye Resnick talking smack on Brandi and cackling like witches in the corner. What grade are you in? They want to know who would wear high heels with crutches? Who would? I would and so would every one of you Mean Girls. At least Lisa faces her foe head on & straight up asks Brandi about Cedric.
Meanwhile, Kim didn’t make it to Kyle’s event because she was “too tired” from her trip to Sacramento…. If by tired, you mean strung-out. Paul & Adrienne managed to make it out of the house 24-hours later. And speaking of Paul, he gets a Chelsea Handler tip of the hat as well for calling out the cattiness for what it is… Jealousy.
Taylor turns to publicist Elliot Mintz for some sleuthing help as she continues her quest to out the rat. However, his advice is as confusing as the way he holds his wine glass.
Rachel: Taylor has no idea what he means. I have no idea what he means. I’m not sure he has any idea what he means. The only thing I’m clear on is that he is super creepy. Like don’t go to a second location with him creepy.
Rachel: Tonight’s episode wasn’t all that thrilling. I feel like I prematurely gushed about the show. I have faith though…
Melissa: Ex-Mrs. Cibrian doesn’t care for the mean girls. Please let this get good! Maybe we’ll be treated to Taylor eating a celery stick. Oh, I’m a dreamer. I am!!