Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 2

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s the Jive, Quickstep and a surprise wardrobe malfunction for us in Week 2.

Our Thoughts:

Len reflects on a time when he had a legitimate dancing career.

Rachel: It’s just me and a lovely Petite Syrah tonight, folks.  My partner has a nasty Disney hangover and is recovering in a dark room with no stimuli of any kind.  She muttered something about Disney World being the same size as San Francisco, whimpered and then shut herself off from the world.  Can’t say as I blame her.  After a week of “It’s a Small World” on repeat, exposing yourself to all those sequins and illusion netting is just plain dangerous.  One wild swing of Bruno’s hips could do permanent damage.  We’re safety girls over here at Two Winey Bitches.  That being said, I’ve got my helmet on and I’m ready to ride.  {Insert short bus joke here.}

Hope Solo

Hope and Maks dance the Jive to "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne

Maks goes to watch Hope’s soccer game and couldn’t look less interested. How could he?  It’s not about him. Back in the studio Hope is, to put it nicely, struggling but she manages to pull it off on the dance floor in a pair of pants that let us know that she has been keeping up with her waxing.  Her dancing is a bit dude-ish but she did ok.  It’s a damn good thing she’s an athlete as well.  I’d have been collapsed on the floor heaving for breath about halfway through that dance.  I think Bruno said something about cracking walnuts with her thighs…

Score – 19

Kristin Cavallari

Kristin and Mark dance the Quick Step to "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" by Marilyn Monroe

OK, I have to look up how to spell her name every time I write it. Perhaps I need to invest in some Ginkgo Biloba (The spelling of which I just had to look up).  I wonder if they make Ginkgo-infused wine?  Anywho, Kristin shows up to rehearsal in a “Vote for Kristin & Mark” shirt.  Too soon.  I have to give it to her, she pulls off the Marilyn-inspired costume.  Too bad they couldn’t use the original recording of “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend”. It’s so much better than whatever cover this is.  Kristin did a great job.  Gotta give credit where it’s due.  Mark really is the star choreographer on this show.  Bruno has been bedazzled by her.  Carrie Ann says, er sings, gorgeous!

Score – 22

David Arquette

David & Kym dance the Jive to "Runaway Baby" by Bruno Mars

The jive is like David, silly and complicated.  That’s funny.  BTW, I would like to retract a statement I made last season where I said I wanted to come back in my next life in Karina’s body.  I’d like to amend that to Kym’s body with Courteney Cox’s skin.  I’m not afraid to dream people.  Not afraid.  Would be easier if I found one of those genie bottles on the beach but, in the meantime, I dream. Woo… David’s pants are a bit tight… I’m so afraid he’s going to bust out of them.  He does a good job but he’s a bit mechanical and lumbering.  Carrie Ann tells him to take the energy in his chest lower… Um, ok.  Len says there is no technique.

Score – 18

Elisabetta Canalis

Elisabetta & Val dance the Quickstep to "Don't Get Me Wrong" by The Pretenders

Their rehearsals were not pretty.  Nope, not pretty at all.  Lots of frustration and pissy-ness.  I wouldn’t say this was a match made in heaven.  This should be interesting on the dance floor.  She actually did a lot better than what I was expecting.  I’m still not a fan though.  The most surprising thing about their performance was that Val didn’t show off his chest.  Bruno goes on some spitting frenzy while comparing her to a Lamborghini.  I have no idea what was said.

Score – 21

Rob Kardashian

Rob & Cheyrl dance the Jive to "Surfin' Safari" by The Beach Boys

The insecure Rob comes out this week and we hear he’s feeling bad about his weight; specifically the man boobs.  Personally, I prefer the word “moobs”.  That may be the only honest Kardashian moment in TV history.  I may be less apt to hate on him this week.  I wouldn’t say he was graceful on the dance floor but he held his own.  The judges loved it and Carrie Ann says he’s officially better than his sister.  I’m sure there will be some “mean tweeting” after that comment.

Score – 21

Carson Kressley

Carson & Anna dance the Quickstep to "Walking Back to Happiness" by Helen Shapiro

Ha… Carson thought this was his dance… Until they got to the fancy footwork part. He knows he’s not the best dancer (understatement) so he is doing extra rehearsals to get his steps down.  That’s pretty cool.  As much as I poke fun at this show, I do think if you’re gonna do it, do it for real. Ahem: Kendra Wilkinson.  For their routine, I wouldn’t say they picked the hardest steps in the world but what they did, they did well.  He just makes me smile when he dances.  I want him to stick around just for the giggles.  Len nails it when he says the problem is that the worst dancers are the most fun to watch.  It’s so true.  Does Bruno ever give a coherent review?

Score – 18

Ricki Lake

Ricki & Derek dance the Jive to "Hey Ya" by Outkast

I have to say that Ricki is really sweet and fun.  She seems genuinely happy to be there.  And I feel her when she says she feels like the contemporary of a twenty-something but her body just doean’t agree.  It’s a rude trick age plays on you. Look at Ricki showing some skin!  You go girl.  Wait, sorry… It’s “Go Ricki! Go Ricki!”  She nailed this dance.  I think she’s gonna hit the top of the board on this one.  Len didn’t like the dirty dirty of the dance.  Bruno’s shouting again… I just tune him out at this point.  Carrie Ann says best dance of the night so far.  Ricki tells us she’s lost 12 inches in 3 weeks.  DAYUM… Sign me up.

Score – 23

Chaz Bono

Chaz & Lacey dance the Quickstep to "Love Is All Around"by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

Chaz is not doing so well in rehearsals as his knees are rebelling.  I don’t know if his body is going to make it through this show.  He should try eliminating nightshade vegetables from his diet… I’m serious!  Those of us with bad knees must help each other.  WTF is Lacey wearing?  Looks like a Project Runway reject.  Those hearts are bad.  Bad.  Ok… he held his own.  But it was mostly just running around the floor at half-speed which I think he’s going to get pinged for.  Bruno called him an Ewok which he says is cute… I’m pretty sure no one wants to be called an Ewok.  Len admires the grit but says it was way too slow.  Carrie Ann admires him pushing through the pain.

Score – 17

Chynna Phillips

Chynna & Tony dance the Jive to "The Boy Does Nothing" by Alesha Dixon

I think I’m starting to lean toward Team Chynna… Well, maybe as my second option.  But we all know I’m fickle so I may change my mind by the time I’m done with this sentence.  What would cement the deal is if that phone call from her bro-in-law Alec would come in.  Gotta give a little to get a little, Chynna. Just sayin… She did great on the dance floor.  She actually can really dance.  Carrie says she played it safe.  Len said she didn’t live up to expectations.  Bruno wants her to let out her sexy siren… You know, since he’s an expert on sexy women.

Score – 21

Nancy Grace

Nancy & Tristan dance the Quickstep to "It Don't Mean a Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)" by The Andrews Sisters

Okaaaay… Nancy is giving Tristan the silent treatment in rehearsal.  That seems mature.  Nancy’s got herself a bag of hair tonight!  Look at that fall… No the hair, not on the dance floor.  You can see her counting when she dances.  Not literally… On her face.  But she didn’t screw the pooch.  Hey oh! Apparently we’ve had our first nip slip of the season!  Wow, that is not the wardrobe malfunction I was expecting tonight.  I couldn’t understand why we were suddenly looking at clips of the audience not clapping… Quick response time there, control room.  I think you may have just saved yourself an FCC fine.  Len said it was a proper quickstep.  Bruno said it’s top heavy at times… I’m going to give him this one boob comment considering. Carrie Ann fought with Len about “razzmatazz”.  That’s real.  It happened.  And possibly more disturbing than Nancy’s boob.

Score – 21

J.R. Martinez

J.R. and Karina dance the Jive to "Jump, Jive an' Wail" by The Brian Setzer Orchestra

JR says he doesn’t have that many fans so he has to work harder than the rest.  I’m gonna say that I think this kid is working up a pretty large fan base rather quickly. I’m Team Martinez for sure.  Yeah, I just said I was Team Chynna but I also said I was fickle.  They owned that dance floor!  Seriously, owned it.  So so good.  I love him.  Audience loves him. Bruno loves him.  Carrie says she’s giving him a point off for a lift (Say what?).  Len says they did a great Lindy but it wasn’t a Jive.  They rocked it… Screw the judges.

Score – 22

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  My top picks are Chynna, J.R. and Ricki this week.  I think my boy David might be in trouble.

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