Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 1 Results Show

One-Sentence Summary:  The first “star” gets eliminated.

My Thoughts:

I am Val. I am from Ukraine. I show my chest to you. You like?

Rachel: So, I’m not going to lie to you.  I fully skipped the first hour of the DWTS recap in favor of the new season of 90210.  Look, if someone’s gonna waste my time, it’s gonna be me.  I don’t need to see more rehearsal time and relive the dances I saw less than 24 hours ago.  I’ve had some hard living but I can still recall last night… for the most part… generally. But that’s neither here nore there.  I was a good Winey Bitch and tuned in for the second hour.  The hour that counted.  Let’s be honest, I could have easily just logged onto abc.com to see who got voted off.  But here I am, watching it all (Ok, half) for you.  Let’s see who gets the dubious honor of the first eliminated.

I’m On The Edge of Horror

We here to find out who got eliminated, but first we must dance. The pros come out with the Dance Troupe for dance routine to Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory".

Rachel:   Wouldn’t it have been awesome if they had picked a singer that could actually hit the notes?  I don’t think that’s too much to ask, do you?  I mean I’m watching this on nothing but Sudafed and a turkey burger hangover.  A little regard for my situation would have been nice.

Smoother Than Smooth

We got news about 3 couples (2 safe & 1 up for elimination), which I'll get to later. But before we could actually get all the news, we were treated to the musical stylings of one Mr. Harry Connick, Jr.

While I am pretty much anti-fluff across the board, I can’t be mad at Harry Connick, Jr. (aka Dr. Leo Marcus of Will & Grace fame… I love that show).  So, I give this time-waster a pass.  Croon on, Harry.  Croon on.

Look, It’s The Dance Troupe

We are also treated to a whole segment about the members of the Dance Troupe.

Oh boy, now we get to meet the dance troupe.  Really?  I seriously couldn’t care less about them.  No offense… I’m sure they’re lovely in their own right, but they’ve wasted enough of my time.  Those Angry Birds aren’t gonna play themselves.  Oh and a whole dance routine.  So exciting.  Remind me to watch this on DVR next week.

I’m So Not LMFAO

LMFAO perform their hit "Party Rock" while the whole dance corps dances. Not to be left out of the party, Carrie Ann & Bruno join the action.

I get that LMFAO has some kind of kitsch appeal.  I get that their song on a Kia commercial at the moment.  And I get that there are people in the audience who are excited to see them.  What I don’t get is what was happening over at the judges table.  It started out just Carrie Ann getting her fun on but you know Bruno can’t miss an opportunity to get camera time… so we have this treat.   If I wanted to see embarrassingly unsexy gyrations and public stripping, I’d Netflix myself some Striptease.  And if I wanted to see it from Bruno, I’d just YouTube Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” video.  I would like none of the above but an anti-nausea pill would be lovely.

The Elimination

The reason we all tuned in... The elimination... Here are the bottom two.

Because we just can’t get enough, we revisit last night’s dances…  You know since you haven’t already seen it twice.  They let Ricki & Derek and Elisabetta & Val off the hook early, but make Cheryl & Rob wait 50 minutes to find out their fate.  The next couple on the line for elimination is Metta (aka: Ron Artest) & Peta, while Kristin & Mark and Hope & Maks are safe.  More drama and then another three couples find out if they are safe; Karina & J.R., Chynna & Tony and Lacey & Chaz.  All three are free & clear.  Finally, the last three couples are on the line.  Kym & David, and Anna & Carson are safe which leaves Nancy & Tristan as the last couple up for elimination.  See how easy that was?  Did you need a full hour to get that info?  No.  Who’s your friend?  That’s right.  I am.  I accept gifts in the form of cash, shoes & chocolate.

The Results:  Metta World Peace is the first to go.  Is anyone really surprised?  After Elisabetta was safe, it was clear he was getting axed.  Nancy has too big of a following to go home the first week.  Sadly, I think the Kardashians do too… Sigh.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  I’m not sad to see Metta go but it would have been fun to watch his hair change every week.  And now there will be no more opportunities for any “Heavens to Mergatroyd” jokes.  So sad for me…

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