Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 1

One-Sentence Summary:  Season 13 kicks off with one of the oddest grouping of “stars” yet.

Our Thoughts:

Tom & Brooke are back. Too bad no one told him where the camera was. Where ya looking, Tom?Our Thoughts:

Rachel: I have a hard time admitting that I’m about to watch another season of Dancing With the Stars.  Especially with this motley crew.  But here I am.  Back for more.  Ready to get my ballroom on and listen to Bruno pretend he’s straight.  I’m even doing it without wine due to the sickness that has invaded my sinuses.  At least, the Sudafed has numbed the sharp edges a bit.  Besides, there’s a new “Mega Size Ballroom Dance Floor” this season!  Who can’t get excited about that? Even my partner in sass has signed up for this season… She has no idea what she’s in for.

Melissa:  That’s right, she’s sucked me in… I’m on DWTS watch now.  I hope I can reach the bar my partner has set!  I have my Layer Cake Shiraz left over from my Winey Bitch visit (Never fear, there were multiple bottles… We’re no slackers!), and I’m ready for some bedazzling and stiff moves.  Hang on now… there are team names?  You have to be kidding me?!  Has this foolishness always existed?  I refuse to acknowledge.  Where’s that bottle of Bourbon? I might need a little chaser in a bit!

The New Mega Size Ballroom Dance Floor

Here's your first glimpse at the New Mega Size Ballroom Dance Floor... I can't keep typing that... and the new cast.

Rachel:   Maks’s brother Val is already competing with his brother for smarmiest Chmerkovskiy award.  His no-shirt-wearing entrance definitely says “Yeah, I’m here.  Look at me!”  This show cracks me up.  It’s just so over the top.  And I know I should be all oohing and ahh-ing over the new stage but it looks like the old stage,  just bigger.  But let’s pretend it’s amazing and worth my having wasted your time with it.

Ron Artest – AKA Metta World Peace

Ron Artest kicks it off with Peta Murgatroyd doing the Cha Cha Cha to "Krazy" by Pitbull feat. Lil Jon.

Melissa:  Gotta say, I’m thinking it’s easier to go first and just get it over with than sit around with the butterfly belly.  Really, you’re going to pull the daughter with cancer card right out of the gate??  Now I have to like you for doing it for your little girl!  Grrr.  Cha-Cha time… and I’m just gonna put out there I haven’t seen anything that stiff since I met Resusci Anne.  I give him a week or two unless he makes a huge turn around.

Rachel:  Ok, what is up with that blonde hair?  Is he slowly morphing into Dennis Rodman?  I like that he is doing the show for his daughter but the rest of his persona is just weird.  And his partner’s last name is Murgatroyd.  How many “Heavens to Murgatroyd” jokes will we hear this season?  Well, there’s 1.  Ok, he’s not as terrible on the dance floor as I was expecting.  Wait, is that Hebrew in his hair?  Yes.  Yes, I believe it is.  I think that would be Metta World Peace in Hebrew… The weird just got weirder.  Judges are bit confused as well. Bruno calls him Dance-a-tron.  They say technically it was bad, but sexy-wise it was good… Um, if you say so.

Score: 14

Robert Kardashian

Robert Kardashian dances the Viennese Waltz to "Lake Michigan" by Rogue Wave with his partner, Cheryl Burke.

Melissa:  Kardashian cam is in full effect!!!  Lord help me if I have to watch this airtime thievery each week… Lemme just top my glass off now in preparation – It’s gonna be a long night.  The Viennese Waltz might be one of my favorite dances.  Meh on the performance, but I’m sure Mamma has a 4-week clause in his contract to keep her pimp game up.  But really, I’m OK not keeping up with the Kardashians.

Rachel:  Well, what a surprise…  He’s starting out rehearsal behaving just like the smart ass we thought he would be.  Then again, I can’t imagine what it would be like to live in the world he lives in, surrounded by those awful women.  I’d probably be a smart ass too.  On the dance floor, he’s no Ralph Macchio but he didn’t totally embarrass himself.  Next week, he has to not just walk around the floor though or he’s in big trouble.  During judging, his sister Khloe shouts something at Len and I can’t help but feel badly for him… Those bitches can’t let him have one moment without crashing it, can they?  It always has to be about them.  Lawd, I can’t stand them.  Can we please ban them from the audience?  The judges tell him to loosen up but he’s got a Kris Jenner at home that he has to please.  That’s a lot of pressure.

Score: 16

Kristin Cavallari

Kristin Cavallari gets the golden ticket being partnered with Mark Ballas. They choose the Cha Cha and dance to "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz.

Melissa:  They aren’t horrible, but I”m giving all props to Mark on this. I’m interested to see when her “natural dance skills” kick in.  The judges love them right now. I’m thinking they’ll survive a few weeks thanks to Mark’s talent.

Rachel:  Dammit, why does Mark have to be stuck with her?  He’s such a great choreographer, but for the second season in a row he’s paired with someone I can’t stand.  Argh… She did better than I expected but Mark definitely left the hard work to his own moves.  She just got to shake her booty a bunch. The judges are gonna give her props and she’ll survive the week.  Yep, props all the way around.

Score: 19

Chynna Phillips

Chynna Phillips & Tony Dovolani dance the Viennese Waltz to "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys.

Melissa:  Chynna and Tony take on the Viennese Waltz… which should be interesting if she kicks him in the balls again like she did in rehearsal.  Not the best way to start this relationship girlfriend!  I like these two.  I give her a few weeks as the judges favorite.  Now let’s show some more Billy Baldwin.

Rachel:  I guess she still is married to Billy Baldwin.  Thanks for making a cameo BB and clearing that up.  Oh, and if you’re listening… Could you maybe slip your brother Alec my phone number?  Thanks.  Appreciate it.  Chynna’s actually funny & a bit of a klutz in rehearsal, even kicking her partner in the family jewels.  I’m liking me some Chynna so I’ll leave my usual snarky “15 minutes are up” comments out this week.  She actually did a great job and really looked like she was having fun.  I think she’s gonna grab some high scores.  I mean Len is smiling which is rare.  I’m right.  She gets the highest score of this night, thus far.

Score: 22

Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace is paired with newbie Tristan MacManus. They are doing the Cha Cha to "Cry Baby" by Cee Lo Green.

Melissa:  Really, did we have to do the whole desk thing???  Come on!  Damn, why am I having flashes of that couple at the end of the wedding… You know, the ones who have had too much to drink but are still busting their best “moves” on the floor.  Anyone else watching for the white man’s overbite??  Is this first week jitters?  I love you Nancy… please don’t have me thrown in jail!

Rachel:  I guess the rookie gets Nancy Grace as an initiation rite.  Poor guy.  He says he has the Luck of the Irish on his side… I’m going to beg to differ.  Wow, do we need to see her without make-up, ever?  There’s something I can’t un-see.  I will say she’s not as mean as I would have expect but… Oh my, this is hard to watch.  It’s ironic that her name is ‘grace’ because there is exactly none on that happening on the Mega-stage.  The judges aren’t overwhelmed either.  But Bruno manages to find a way to make a boob comment and make her awkward performance even more awkward.

Score: 16

David Arquette

David Arquette & his partner Kym Johnson do the Viennese Waltz to "Somebody to Love" by Queen.

Melissa:  If he didn’t say he’s been sober I’d swear he was on a little something at their first meeting.  Oh balls David, you might have won me over with this waltz of yours!!  You just play the fool, don’t you… clever little minx!!

Rachel:  David got lucky with Kym.  I’m kinda loving the sober David Arquette.  He really seems sincere and funny.  He really is looking at this as some kind of exoneration for his previous bad behavior.  Courteney are you watching this?  He totally rocked it out on the floor.  So far, he’s the dude to watch.  Loving it.  Judges are impressed too.  Oh look!  Courteney’s there!  Oh happy day!  I’m so happy she’s there with their daughter.  My heart grew three sizes tonight.  He should have scored higher though.

Score: 18

Elisabetta Canalis

Elisabetta Canalis gets paired with the younger of the Chmerkovskiy brothers, Val. They are doing the Cha Cha to "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" by Katy Perry

Melissa:  Apparently, there’s a little language barrier for these two to overcome.  Oh… oh… no… that’s… well… she’s pretty.  I’m sorry, but can anyone else see it – uno, due, tre… uno, due, tre.  I’m thinking she’s not going to make it into the late rounds.

Rachel:  Oh look she has tattoos.  That’s a surprise and makes her slightly more interesting.  Yes, she was that uninteresting that ink actually puts her on the interesting radar.  Oh gee, they start their dance in a bed.  A Chmerkovskiy in a bed… What a surprise!  This song is horrible, too (Sorry, I don’t keep up with Katy Perry and now I know why.  Holy tacky!).  Seriously, people are objecting to Chaz Bono?  This is far more offensive.  T-rash.  Len agrees.  Bruno likes it which officially makes it trashy.  Carrie Ann declines to comment.  George’s ex may be the first to be sent packing.  Something tells me she doesn’t have quite the following of a Nancy Grace here in the States.

Score:  15

Hope Solo

Hope Solo and the OG Chmerkovskiy dance the Viennese Waltz to "Satellite" by Dave Matthews Band.

Melissa:  Girlie-ness might be the issue here.  Girlfriend needs a stronger dance to play up her athleticism.  I’m just saying if she makes it I could see her rocking the Paso or the Tango.

Rachel:  Maks is back and has sibling rivalry to compete with as well.  His partner isn’t the lightest on her feet of the ladies but he managed to pull something out of her.  I don’t know what kind of mojo he works in that studio but he can work the magic out of the ladies.  She actually looks feminine on the dance floor.  At the very least, she’s distracting Bruno with the skimpy outfit and rockin’ bod.  Maks is gonna be super pissed if his brother lasts longer than he does. I don’t think he has to worry too much about that.

Score:  21

Carson Kressley

Carson Kressley & Anna Trebunskaya work the Cha Cha to "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 & Christina Aguilera.

Melissa:  Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Carson, but those legs need some control.  He went all sorts of “Pinocchio puppet legs” at one point.  I do love his Jagger moves though, and talk about rocking Jagger lips… Did he get an injection just for this week’s dance?

Rachel:  I’m starting to suffer from DWTS fatigue.  This is the longest show in the history of shows.  What did we do to you, abc, that makes you punish us so? Ok, Carson is a really terrible dancer (Almost as terrible as the song… Who is picking this crap?) but he is hi-larious.  He needs to stay around a while just for some comic relief.  He’s all over the place on the floor but that was fun.  Judges agree that it’s fun and that is worth… something.

Score: 17

J.R. Martinez

J.R. Martinez & Karina Smirnoff dance the Viennese Waltz to "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson.

Melissa:  I’m going to go in with J.R. as my fave.  I heard his story long before DWTS and I loves me a soldier!  Gotta say… I’m a bit biased, but I think they rocked it.

Rachel:  How can you not be rooting for this kid?  And he’s dancing with the girl in whose body I am coming back in my next life.  So a great couple in my book.  And he actually brought it to the dance floor… all 300 Mega feet of it.  No sympathy voting here.  I find myself smiling through the entire dance… I might even be a bit teary but it’s probably just the cold.  Judges are impressed as well and he ties with Chynna for top score.

Score: 22

Ricki Lake

Ricki Lake dances the Viennese Waltz with returning pro Derek Hough to "This Years Love" by David Gray.

Melissa: That was pretty damn good too!!  I think she’s gonna go far. 

Rachel:  I can’t help it, but every time I hear “Lake”, Long Duck Dong saying “Lake… Big lake” goes through my head.  And no, that is not a size comment at all.  I’ve never seen this Derek kid before so I’m missing the excitement of his return.  Was he off feeding the poor in Africa or something?   Finally, a great song choice.  I’m a big fan of David Gray.  Ricki actually did a really nice job.  OK, she can stick around another week.  Pretty positive feedback from the judges.

Score:  20

Chaz Bono

Chaz Bono makes his debut dancing the Cha Cha with Lacey Schwimmer to "Dancing in the Street" by Mick Jagger & David Bowie.

Melissa:  Chaz and Lacey bring up the rear with the Cha-Cha.  Oh shit, the “look at my belly” move… Awesome, Chaz!  I love a person who can laugh at themselves.  OK, I’m not gonna lie.  I didn’t see this coming.  He’s not half bad with that footwork.

Rachel:  I think they strategically decide what order the dancers go in.  Yeah, I know.  I’m a brain surgeon.  Dr. Obvious is the name.  But clearly, they saved Chaz for last to make the rubber-neckers that want to take a peak sit through the entire show.  I think it’s so brave of him to be doing this.  I just hope he’s not a brick on the dance floor…  Well lookie here, Chaz has rhythm!  He was seriously having a blast out there too.  Awesomeness.  Take that, haters!  Judges dig his spirit too.  I think he’ll live to see another week and maybe we’ll get to see Cher!

Score:  17

Bottom Line:

Melissa:   My choices… J.R., Chynna and Ricky, with a fashion nod to Carson (naturally) because I REALLY just want to see his take on ballroom costumes.

Rachel:  My top picks are Chynna, J.R. and David with an “Eff you to the close-minded” vote for Chaz.


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