One Sentence Summary: And the winner is… us, it’s finally over!!
Melissa: I’m looking at it more as the Final Countdown… Sadly, it’s a 3 hour countdown. Not even a trip to Vegas can make this better… but you know what can? A nice Claret… in a big glass… plus all the cast-offs return. Oh-ho… Vienna got her weave back too! LAWDY it’s my lucky night. Hopefully I won’t be too distracted knowing the Beverly Hills ladies are on tonight as well. I’ll have come catch up to play later.
Rachel: Just when you think it’s almost over, they hit you with an extra hour. Does abc think we have nothing better to do with our time than watch this nonsense? Wait, they know? Well, who told them? All I know is that I am looking forward to the last hour when we get to see the Ghosts of Contestants Past. Looks like Vienna got a new bag of hair. What does one call that color? And we also get to see her new nose… Looks strikingly similar to her old nose. Did she pay for that? And speaking of noses… Oh Ella, why? You were so much prettier before. Seriously, now you have that “fake face” look that’s so much better suited for the Housewives. Oh well, can’t undo the do now. So, I’ll get comfortable with my Shiraz and watch the shenanigans unfold.
Melissa: Wait, and there’s Kasey with yet another prediction – bad juju my friend… how many times do I have to tell you?! Though the smarmy slug has survived this long. Michael has some serious skills! Too bad Holly is all sorts of bijiggity up there. Graham is afraid of heights and Michelle can’t seem to keep down whatever little amount of food she’s allowed herself today. Kasey is now the rock of the team – sniper Godfather rock – m’kay. Poor Ella is way over her head with the choreography, but she has a fighting spirit.
Rachel: So who will be the first one to make a Swingers reference. Damn, Kasey threw out the “Vegas, baby!” before I could even finish typing the sentence. Meanwhile, that wall looks rad. I want to do that. No seriously, I do. Walking at a 90 degree angle would be cool as I would actually have a flat stomach for a change. Granted, I’d probably get about a foot in the air before I had a panic attack. And I’m with my partner on the ridiculousness that is Kasey’s predictions. You’re like the Bengals (a terrible football team for the NFL-challenged among you) of Bachelor Pad. Michael is trying to play aloof about being Holly’s partner without getting to be Holly’s “partner” but it only goes so far because we’re 15 minutes in and… tears. That, I am not going to miss.
Melissa: How disappointing Kasey (Survivor, dreamer, believer – Damn, he has more nouns for himself. Please don’t let him start speaking in the third person) and Vienna didn’t suck. Now, I don’t mean to be snide here (Yeah, right)… So, Ella didn’t get the money she needed for her son, but she’s found a little something for some work by Erica’s dad (according to People magazine)?
Rachel: Sweet Fancy Moses, do we have to revisit the only “successful-in-love” Bachelor contestants every 5 minutes? Not that seeing Roberto is a bad thing, but no one cares anymore. Well, I don’t care anymore and I’m really the only one I’m checking for. I was Team Kella but now that they got the boot I have to jump to Team Michelle & Graham. Team Grachelle? No… Team Grelle? Ugh… Team …. Oh I can’t think of anything I’d want on a t-shirt so they don’t get a fun nickname. Maybe it’s Team Not Kella. Ok, slightly melodramatic there Ella. Again, if you’re banking on a reality show for your kid’s future, you might want to look up “misguided” in the dictionary.
It’s Woo Time
Rachel: Wait, Michael & Holly pick the final 4? Please on all that is holy, do not pick Kasey & Vienna. I really don’t understand why these two are even together? They cannot be nice to each other pretty much ever. Wow, Graham is pissed off at Michael’s disloyalty. I feel like a broken record, so I’m going to skip the “it’s a reality show” lecture for a change…. but it is just a reality show. Besides, have a heart. Michael’s so not getting the girl. All he has left is the money.
Melissa: Once again, I don’t know how anyone can vote for Kasey… but with a “we’re playing for second” sell/manipulation he keeps reeling them in. And let’s be honest, Michael & Holly do have a better chance against Kasey and Vienna (Well, there is the sell working for Kasey and Vienna). Seems Graham didn’t see that coming. Um, have you never seen the show?
Rachel: Awesome choice… Someone on this show has a soul. Shocking. And I couldn’t be happier to see two people go home. Can I get a whoop whoop!?!? Seriously, Vienna? My perfect rose record was just ruined??? Listen, Pariah Carey, you really need to grow the hell up and get over yourself. REALLY? This is Kasey’s fault? You don’t know what Michelle & Graham did? I don’t know what they did but I know what they didn’t do. They weren’t assholes. It’s really just that plain. Deuces!
Melissa: Kasey and Vienna are going home. Sadly I didn’t even get a full episode without the Wonder Twins. Damn you, Bachelor Pad!
Melissa: All is revealed!! Oh, if it weren’t 2 hours long I would be so excited for some fireworks right about now… Let’s see if what’s left of my Claret. Maybe it can help me muster some excitement.
Love Don’t Live Here Anymore
Melissa: Oh boy… I can almost sense Rachel’s cartwheels over Ames and Jackie’s split. I don’t want to seem mean here, but how long were they “together” that Jackie is acting as though they were together for years and doesn’t understand what happened? Even if they were together the whole summer… it’s still a few months. Get a grip, we’ve all been dumped.
Rachel: No, no cartwheels here. I actually feel really badly for Jackie… I know what that “left hanging” feels like and it sucks even if it was only a few months. I guess Ames just wasn’t feeling the funk but that was a really lame explanation. And clearly, he didn’t bother to give her a better explanation before tonight. Damn you, Ames. I expected better from you. Well, that’s not how the fairy tale ending is supposed to go. This is why you roll the credits after the “grand gesture” and never hear the rest of the story. Cinde-fucking-rella… Yeah, not so much.
It’s Gettin’ Hot In Here
Rachel: Welcome to public ridicule Vienna. Man, the audience does not like her… Oh but audience, I like you. You had me at “boo”. And the campaign to call out Vienna by Chris continues… Oh Chris, I like you too. You had me at “you have to admit”. I still think Jake is disingenuous but Vienna is so much worse so by proxy he’s the winner. Kasey cops to making a fool of himself and apologizes. I will admit that I would never have expected that. And clearly by the look on Vienna’s face, neither did she. Muhahahaha….
Melissa: Chris, that whole new side of Vienna you see is the a shiny-ish new horse-hair weave! Please can someone get her a better colorist? Meanwhile, I’m struggling with trying to count the number of Reality Shows he’s actually been on… there was the Bachelor, then DWTS, then I saw him on some Restaurant Reality Show (on VH1 maybe)… and then Bachelor Pad. So at some point is his Reality punch card filled and we won’t have to watch another show with him? Look dude, if they haven’t called you yet… they’re not gonna, no matter how many shows you’re on. A little apology from Kasey to Jake??? I didn’t see that coming… Did Vienna’s eye start to twitch on how this is falling apart? OK, maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
It’s Hard To Be Humble
Melissa: Oh, now he realizes he was a douche… and we are treated to a douche montage – a douchetage. OK, he’s a changed man. But here’s the rub… When you’re a douchetastic a-hole, that’s what sticks with people.
Rachel: Kasey has a speech impediment… Whoops. My bad. I really don’t like to make fun of disabilities so I apologize… (even if it was a comedy gold mine). Wow, I actually have sympathy for this kid. On a very special episode of the Bachelor Pad… Wait a minute… Vienna & Kasey stayed with Erica? Oh right… the nose job. Go on… I’m with ya now.
Love American Style
Melissa: Now see, we could trim off a good half hour if we didn’t need to watch montages. It’s not like we didn’t all just watch the show! Oh, but it’s a cray cray montage!! Glad to see she’s still an emotional nightmare… though sure sweetie, insist that’s “not you”. Why do we have to keep steeling shots at Jackie? Did I miss something? Oh, lookie there, Mr. Lane clearly has a deal with all things Bachelor related. But seriously… how long have they known eachother and getting engaged? I mean, I know “Bachelor Time” is like dog years, but come on!
Rachel: Blake the snake… Cop to being a douche Blake. Just do it. We all know it’s true. Yeah, I know Blake the Snake rhymes but he really more closely resembles a weasel. Ok and I’m going to have to call myself out for being shocked that Blake is “in love” with Holly. I really thought he was just kinda having a good time. I kinda still do. This engagement is so staged… This engagement has been brought to you by the makers of Neil Lane jewelry and the letters a, b & c.
The Finale Four
Rachel: Wow, this might be the most awkward moment in TV history. Wow… wow… And panning to Blake’s smug smile didn’t help things. Thank you Michael for calling out the delivery mechanism. This is shitty. Shitty shitty. Like painfully constipated shitty. Chris you know I’m a fan but that was low down dirty. I need a drink after witnessing that. Imagine how Michael feels. And poor Michelle. I can’t even imagine. Man, this show just took a dark turn.
Melissa: WTF! Michael is in the dark about the “he liked it so he put a ring on it” situation?? OK, I’m sorry… I can no longer chalk this up to “It’s Bachelor Pad”. This is just flat out F-d up. You’d think she’d want to give her partner a little heads up prior to trying to win the game. HOLY F… Michelle’s Dad died too? WTF BP?! WTF!! I can’t even snark on Graham’s Fred Rogers look… the wind is out of my sass sail.
Tally the votes
Rachel: Wait, so no update on Ella & her new face… er, Kirk? Jive. As for the two bozos on the stage, they’re so gonna share so could we please just get on with it? I really wish Michael would choose “keep” and get the final eff you. Admittedly, I wasn’t really paying attention to the show when Chris was explaining the final phase and really thought they were talking about Cher. Would have been a way cooler finale if it were actually her.
Melissa: Back and forth on the votes… to keep the suspense. Oh, it’s so exciting I can hardly stand it!! Holly and Michael win the Podmate votes… will they Share or Keep?? I’m calling it… SHARE… There’s going to be drama and a speech by one of them to make the audience think they are screwing the other. You know… “the most shocking Final yet”. Holly is in for SHARE and so is Michael… ta-da! I still don’t get why they have to do the whole speech at the end.
Melissa: Does anyone else think that maybe Michael did know and that was a bit of a little show we were treated to? Yeah, I went there. He just seemed way too scripted the more I think about it. Oh, and Ben C. is our next Bachelor… thanks, we broke that news how many weeks ago?
Rachel: So that happened.…