Bachelor Pad Week 5: The Nearlywed Game

One Sentence Summary:  Tonight we find out who the final 4 couples are and wonder how Kasey & Vienna have survived thus far.

Yeah, this is getting painful even for me.

Our Thoughts:

Melissa:  The Nearlywed Game… where it’s all laid (no pun intended) on the line and Michael continues his self-destruction to win back Holly.  The fun side will be Erica’s attempt to see how far man-whore Blake will go!  You know I’m wringing my hands together to watch that play out.  Now you know I normally love some serious self-destruction and man-whores… but sadly all I can think of is RHOBH… I know… I’m crossing the streams (risking life as we know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in our bodies exploding at the speed of light)… but I can’t help it!  It’s Beverly Hills!!  That being said, I’m ready to roll with my RJR Merlot!

Rachel:  I too am wondering how I’m going to pay any attention to this mess when there’s a whole Beverly Hills mess happening in an hour on Bravo.  Vienna only wishes she could be half the overly-confident diva that Camille Grammer is.  Actually, I kinda wish too because it would make this more interesting.  Oh! Flash of Brilliance Alert:  They should remake Circus of the Stars with reality stars! Tell me you wouldn’t love to see Camille, Jill Zarin & Vienna in the same space.  They can call it Circus of the Reality Stars!  See how I did that?  Clever little minx… Must be the Bud Light Lime I’m drinking.  Yeah, that’s right.  I can get off my high horse and enjoy a domestic brew every once in a while… That or that’s all there was in my boyfriend’s house.

The Times They Are A-Changing:

It's a brave new world for the Bachelor Pad residents. No more "every man for himself" mentality. It's now all about the couple. You win as a couple. Lose as a couple. And get eliminated as... you guessed it, a couple. Blake and Erica are the only two not coupled up so a couple they become... which pleases Erica as she talkes hold of her prey.

Melissa:  Just when they thought it was safe… the rules change!  It’s Partner up time… now it gets good!!  Poor Erica seems to be partner-less and poor Blake gets the full court (breast) press.  Which is good for him because she’s of course smarter and prettier than Holly.  Everyone then spends their time trying to learn the most about each other… except for Vienna and Kasey who know everything about each other – again… giving props too soon is bad BP juju!

Rachel:  Oh boy… Doubling up makes it a bit sticky for Holly who has herself two partners and there are no threesomes allowed.  That’s going on in a different mansion in LA.  Holly would rather be with Blake but has promised herself to Michael.  Oh this has all the set-up you need for an awesome Lifetime Movie starring Tori Spelling.  Thankfully, Erica is there to help Blake out.. you know, since she’s smarter & prettier than Holly.  At least, so she says.  That’s a very healthy ego there.  Chris tells them that they have to get to know each other and so the couples start asking the hard questions… like bra size.  Get deep people.  Get deep.  BTW… Did Kasey really just smell his fingers while referring to how well he knows his girlfriend?  There is no world that exists where that is not wholly nauseating.

Challenge Time:  The Nearlywed Game! 

It's time to play the Nearlywed Game! Date night is the prize, so let’s bring on the "making whoopee" comments!! Blake & Erica need the win to stay another week but Graham & Michelle can't be beat. They were smart enough to come up wtih a strategy about how to answer the questions vs trying to learn about each other. Genius plan... and that's the only time smart & genius will be used in reference to these people. Michelle & Graham get the win & a rose. Blake & Erica get a date for second place.

Rachel:  I love that this is another game designed to start arguments.  Kasey answers that Vienna’s exes miss her… teeth.  What does that even mean?  I have missed a lot of things about my exes but I can say with 100% certainty that teeth have never been on the list. Vienna is confused because Kasey has an IQ of 177… on what scale?  Maybe the test giver couldn’t understand him and just scored him high to make him shut-up.  I do have to tip my hat to the winners for an amazing strategy.  Well played Michelle & Graham.  Well played.  I am duly impressed with the win.

Melissa:  We all know how this works… let’s just bring on the fighting and “OMG I can’t believe you said that you *sshole!!”.  Seems Kasey and Vienna are off to the bad start here… the most in love couple in BP history can’t seem to get then same answer… at all (see, bad juju!).  Blake wants to kiss Holly… and actually gets the point for the admission.  Aw, now poor Holly sticks her foot in her mouth admitting she wants to sleep with Blake… doh!!  Mind you, I don’t care for Blake’s smarminess throughout the game… and apparently everyone else pretty much just can’t stand him as a general rule.  Michelle and Graham are just kicking it with this game like they are passing answers in the corridor… oh ho… come to find out they developed a strategy for answering their questions.  Graham and Michelle win.  Blake and Erica get the runner-up… and get their own date… anyone else’s flesh just doing the heebie-geebie shake??

No Means No

Kasey & Vienna decide to fight about their not having sex in front of the entire house. It's when they're alone that Kasey decides maybe they should lower their voices... Good plan. Kasey tells Vienna that he's going home if she doesn't come downstairs and "cuddle" with her. Vienna reminds him that no means no and that she won't stand for an ultimatum. Kasey says that's not what ultimatum means and since he has an IQ of 177, Vienna goes downstairs to "cuddle"... The rest of the house scrubs themselves with lye to get the ick off of them.

Melissa:  Hey now… Vienna won’t put out in the house.  Seems like her tease him along ploy may be starting to backfire… and Kasey is getting a bit… tense.

Rachel:  Wow, Vienna & Kasey have no boundaries.  None.  Does anyone need that information?  I’m embarrassed for them.  I’m embarrassed for me that I’m still watching this.  Vienna is as interested in having sex with her boyfriend as we are… which is not at all.  I can’t imagine why… It’s not like he’s an egomaniacal twit… Oh yeah, it is because he’s an egomaniacal twit.  He’s a banana.  Total banana.  But I guess Vienna likes it being that she gives in.  And as we are treated to watching Kasey roll on top of Vienna, we hear her say, “Let’s just get it over with.”  Have more romantic words ever been uttered?

What’s Your Number?

Graham & Michelle helicopter off to a private screening of the new movie "What's Your Number?"... Nice marketing move... where they will enjoy the film from the comfort of a hot tub. Only Bachelor Pad can work a hot tub into a movie screening.

Melissa:  Meanwhile, sounds of a helicopter approaching which you know only means one thing… Rachel is humming “On the Wings of Love”.  Oh and yeah, and they’re taking a helicopter to the movies – ‘cause that’s normal.  They get a private screening of the new movie, “What’s Your Number”, from the pool… bonus for me… some Chris Evans!!  Oh you BP producers… you know how to keep me tuned!

Rachel:  I wasn’t humming “On The Wings of Love”… I was full-on singing it.  The only thing I have to say about this date is that I cannot stand the way Michelle says “Graham”… She somehow reduces it to half a syllable.  I actually have zero interest in watching a movie in a hot tub.  I guess I have two things to say.  Ok, now I’m done.

Mission Romance 

Blake & Erica set out on their "Mission Romance" date with very different outcomes in mind. Erica has packed her sexiest lingerie for an evening in the Fantasy Suite. Blake has brought his best karate moves to fend off Erica's advances. They find out on the date that they have two roses to give another couple in hopes that the couple with save them... But Erica doesn't care. She has a need and Blake needs to fill it.

Melissa:  Since Erica sees her days as numbered she needs to get that hook-up NOW (Well, it’s not like he’s going to call her if they both leave).  Sadly Erica, no, he’s not gonna ride the pokey train with you.  There ain’t no Lambada in your future with Blake, no matter what you do. Well, wait… It is Blake the man-whore.  Wait, what??  She communicates with the spirits of her dead friends?  Yeah, there you go. That’s gonna win him away from Holly.  You see dead people… that always gets a man going!  Oh dear, don’t reference your astrologer ether!!  Sweet Mary woman, don’t make it harder on him than it needs to be.  Lord, and now the roses make Erica a “powerful woman”… Where’s that wine bottle??  Check that, I might have to move on to the Macallan to make it though the rest of the night.  I do like Blake’s dancing to get away from Erica’s clutches… DANCE… DANCE… DO THE MOONWALK, BITCH!!  Oh, sorry… got caught up.  Anyone else seeing the Melissa = frying pan… Erica = FIRE equation?  Wait, the fact he doesn’t want to sleep with you means he doesn‘t respect you?? Huh, wait… what??

Rachel: Erica talks to ghosts.  This is not surprising.  She also sees an astrologer.  Methinks, if she would spend a little more time on planet Earth, she might have seen Blake visibly cringing at her come-ons.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone so uncomfortable in my life.  Seriously, woman on the prowl, do you not see that you are scaring the kid?  I’m pretty sure every dating book ever written says that if you find yourself groveling for some lovin’, you might want to get up off your knees… Since, you know, you’re not going to be needing to be down there.

 Let The Courtship Begin

Blake and Erica decide to play the field telling the Padmates they can save a couple. Ultimately, they decide to give them to Kasey and Vienna in a desperate attempt to win themselves one more week... which upsets Ella who was hoping to get the rose.

Melissa:  OK, so as my Daddy said (Yep, he’s watching with me – bless him!) “Kasey’s a back-stabbing asshole”… That’s right, you heard it from Daddy.  Let’s watch as they turn on Blake and Erica faster than a cheetah taking down a sick wildebeest.

Rachel:  Are you kidding me?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Vienna & Kasey?  Ok Blake & Erica deserve to go home just based on that idiot decision.  Meanwhile, you all know I’m team Kella but I gotta say that pinning your kid’s future on a reality show isn’t the most solid of plans.  My heart goes out to Ella but perhaps this wasn’t the best use of her time… perhaps a job hunt or some school would be more effective? 

 More Michael Meltdowns

In case anyone was unclear about Michael's feeings for Holly, we are treated to another confessional. He loves her. She's confused. And nothing has changed since the last time they had the exact same conversation.

Rachel:  Seriously, at this point, I’d rather sit through an endless Celine Dion concert where she only sings that hideous song from Titanic than listen to Holly & Michael have ANOTHER conversation about their… er, his feelings.  She’s just not that into you, bro!  Get a clue.  You snooze.  You lose.

Melissa:  So while Blake is fighting off Erica we’re treated to yet another episode of Michael begging Holly to take him back… does anyone else hear the lambs screaming??  I almost want these two voted off so I don’t have to deal with this anymore. Wait, sorry… Check that, still want the Wonder Twins gone.

What A Tangled Web We Weave

This week the ladies get to vote on behalf of their team. While everyone is scheming and planning, Blake is spending what could be his last moments on the show with Holly. This doesn't go unnoticed by Michael who knows Holly is the deciding vote tonight. He leaves the decision up to her but makes it very clear how much it will hurt him if she saves Blake. Holly cries to Ella, who will go home if Holly saves Blake, about how hard her decision is. Way to be sensitive, Holly.

Rachel: Why is no one irritated with Holly?  She’s the one playing both sides against the middle.  I hate to say that Blake’s just a dude but he’s just a dude that is doing what dudes do.  Apparently, he didn’t sign the “Bro Code of Realty Show Ethics” form upon arrival.  I will say, however, that is some bad strategy.  Holly gets to make the decision which reduces her to tears… And now she’s pouring her heart out to Ella about voting her off.  Someone smack this girl please.

BTW, why the eff are Kasey & Vienna talking smack about Ella’s mother’s murder and her child’s needs? They think she needs to keep it private.  Um, Kasey been running around all season talking about his grandmother’s operation.  And yes, I was just talking smack too but this isn’t about me.  Clearly, my only job here is to ridicule… So, ridicule I will.  These two are beyond hypocritical.  I wonder how they actually say the words with a straight face. 

Melissa:  The ladies get to vote off the couples and Holly becomes the deciding vote for the couples… And then the damn weather bulletin comes on my screen so I have no idea how anyone voted.

Rose Ceremony

Decision 2011 is made and Blake & Erica get sent home. Surprise.

Melissa:  Blake and Erica are gone.  Now they realize they got screwed… and poor Erica didn’t even get to wear her sexy lingerie!!

Rachel:  Shocking.

Final Thoughts:

Melissa:  Next Week is VEGAS BABY for the final Challenge and the live finale – with the full cast.  Oh goodie… you can’t see it, but I’m doing a little dance… all the crazies are back!!

Rachel:  Holy crap!  I didn’t realize it was over already.  This is the best news I’ve gotten in weeks.  Sad commentary on my life.


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