One Sentence Summary: This week the final rose comes down to Jake & Kasey; giving the house some breathing room when one giant ego goes home.
Melissa: As we bid a sad but bow-chicka-bow-wow adieu to Ames and Jackie, it’s time for cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs Melissa to show her crazy side. And I don’t mean that in the “She so crazy we were out all night and won $350 and 3 pairs of boxers” way. I mean bunny boiling… ree-ree-ree crazy. She has the eyes for it. It also seems the Wonder Twins (Form of giant douches!) might be losing their would-be control over the pad?? Oh, I love the smell of a coup in the morning!!
Rachel: Well, they tell us that either Jake or Kasey is leaving tonight and I am gunning for Kasey like it’s my job. I seriously cannot stand Kasey… The voice… The mumbling… The everything. He’s Freddy Krueger’s nails on a chalkboard. I actually cannot stand Jake either but I’m gonna call him the lesser of two evils. It’s like voting in the Presidential elections. But I think, if we can get rid of Kasey, Vienna will go with him. I realize the producers don’t want that, but America does. Do you hear me, ABC? America needs this to happen. Ok, my glass of Sterling Cabernet and I are ready to make this… er, watch this happen.
The Cuckoo Clock Strikes Early
We start the night coming off of last week’s rose ceremony. Melissa is still upset over Blake’s flirting with Holly. Blake, knowing he got lucky this week, tries to stop Hurricane Melissa from blowing him out of the house… and not in the fun way.
Rachel: Melissa is shaking like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm. I can’t tell if it’s the crazy or the hunger. Let’s face it. The girl needs to eat a sandwich. But we do need a crazy in the house if this is going to be any kind of fun. Granted, she did get played straight up but she’s a banana nonetheless. Wait! I think I was at this party! No seriously, it was 1984 and I’m pretty sure the same exact scenario happened. Then we all played spin the bottle and reenacted the Thriller video. Pretty sure someone was wearing Blake’s tie too. Ah youth….
A Package Deal!
And it’s another challenge in bathing suits. But who doesn’t love a good water challenge? Unfortunately, they aren’t playing chicken This time: synchronized swimming – Boys vs Girls. Winners get roses. Losers just get the humiliation of looking like this on TV. Last year’s Bachelor Pad winners David & Natalie are back to judge. Michelle & Michael win.
Melissa: Vienna’s got this… she was on the swim team in high school. She’s an athlete. Oh silly girl, haven’t you learned you don’t brag about your “skillz”? You know, like your boyfriend last week spouting about his mad baseball prowess. I personally like this challenge… Can’t hate shirtless men who spent months before the show working out. Oh, this is bad… This is so bad… This is fiery car wreck bad. I mean, I give them props for putting themselves out there for this mockery… But wait, they’re in it for the cash… Never mind. Mike gets the rose again this week. Michelle gets it for the girls, thus reminding Vienna never to give yourself a pat on the back BEFORE the competition.
Rachel: You know if Ames were still around he’d be in a hot pink Speedo. Just for that, I’m glad he bailed. As for the rest of them, this is TMI for me. I just don’t love a banana hammock. Michael Phelps can rock it and that’s about it. And poor Ella… Can she get a break from the bikini competitions? You would think all the air in Erica’s head would keep her afloat (not to mention the fun bags) but she’s just a mess. Michael & Michelle win which is bad news for Jake. It also prompts a Vienna nostril flare… One of these days, fire is going to shoot out of there.
Cracks In The Foundation
After neither Kasey nor Vienna win the challenge, they do what they do best… take it out on each other. Kasey is pissed at Vienna for saying “Nice job” to Jake. Vienna is pissed at Kasey because he’s not “protecting” her when he’s yelling at her. At least they recycle.
Rachel: Vienna said “You did well” to Jake and that’s her being too nice? Man Kasey, lower the dosage of ‘roids. Getting that angry because your girlfriend was “cordial and nice” to her ex is a bit much. Then there’s the calling her a fame whore (Hello, pot kettle black). Dayum, that’s your woman you’re talking about. Look I may agree with you on the fame whore thing but I’m not the one dating her… I’m also not the one on a reality show with her either.
Love Among The Vines
Michelle takes Graham, Kasey & Blake on her date to a vineyard. She lets Blake know that he is in trouble & it’s time to suck up to Melissa… no matter what that means… if he wants to stay. Then she gets some private time with her crush, Graham. They have “great chemistry” according to Graham. For those of you who haven’t studied the language of Bachelor Pad, allow us to translate: “Chemistry” really means “I like her boobs and I think she might be easy.” We’re here to help.
Melissa: Graham, Kasey and Blake head off to a vineyard to chillax for the day… Man, I’m so jelly bean right now!! Michelle is going to get to the truth about Blake and Melissa… She’s laying down the law… You’re in trouble Blake. “Fix that” is her advice. That’s right… whore time dude! I still have issues with Kasey’s Rick Astley wannabe jacket. Michelle tries to make her moves on Graham… and he’s fighting “the chemistry” with all he has… which scores him the date rose.
Rachel: Michelle’s playing for Team Melissa which will last until it’s time to vote her off the island… er, out of the house. As if it took a brain surgeon to figure it out, Blake realizes he has some groveling to do and he’s ready to do what it takes to make it right with Melissa. My goodness, I know everyone has a price but never have I seen it actually advertised. I love that Graham doesn’t want to talk about himself, he just wants to get some booty. He thinks he’s got it all under control but little does he realize that he has walked into a very sticky crazy web. Godspeed, peanut head!
The Biggest Thorn Of All
Michael takes Holly, Vienna & Ella out for some horseback riding. Everyone loves it except Vienna who whines the entire time about everything in her sight line. Michael & Holly sneak away for more confessions of love lost when they’re surprised by Bret Michaels. He gives them love advice and serenades them with “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, completely validating our claims that Bret sold his soul.
Rachel: I am having a hard time deciding if I’m happy that we are saved from yet another ridiculous crying therapy session by Bret Michaels or completely horrified that Bret Michaels is also whoring himself out to the Bachelor franchise. I mean I guess after “Rock of Love 3”, there isn’t anywhere to go but up… or in this case, sideways… Ok, maybe it’s actually down. And it really was only a matter of time before “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” collided with some iteration of The Bachelor in what can only be called a monumental jumping of the shark. Everything after this is fair game. I’m scared about that.
Meilssa: Holly, BTW, does not want anything to do with this date night. It’s a horseback riding date!! Not sure why they are excited. Oh, the funniest scene with Vienna saying she’s never ridden a helmet riding horses… And clearly with the ease of her seat, it’s because she’s never actually ridden one. I have to ask why do Mike and Holly have THE most awkward private moments ever? I’m talking awkward like ordering a steak at a PETA convention.
Tilting The Axis of Power
Jake is in full panic mode about going home and decides he needs to make an alliance… No matter what that means. And it means Erica. He spreads the “poor me” jam thick on the Erica bread and then seals the deal (or his fate) with a kiss… Which, in turn, enables her to inhale his face. Thankfully she maintains her lips with injections every 6 months.
Melissa: Jake begins staging his coup… which, at this point, I kind of want him to succeed – no, check that… I REALLY want him to succeed. I’m just about done with Kasey and Vienna and I need them to stop whimpering and whining the entire show. I get it, she got dumped… and he was mean… enough already!! Jake is so desperate at this point he’s even willing to turn to Erica for help… and let’s see how far he’s willing to go… Oh, she’s on board!! Poor Jake just hitched his cart to the mule.
Rachel: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Seriously, there are more whores in this house than in Heidi Fleiss’s phone book. I guess it makes sense since the show was created by her cousin. It’s just genetics.
Promise of A New Day
In the wake of all the scheming, Kasey takes a moment to profess his love to Vienna. For their six-month anniversary, Kasey wants to make Vienna a promise…to guard and protect her heart with a promise ring. As usual, Vienna is not at a loss for words – unfortunately. Before he can even tell her what her gift is, she lets him know that she hopes it’s not an engagement ring. He doesn’t let that stop him from giving it to her… or serenading her with what may go down in history as the cheesiest song ever.
Melissa: Wow Vienna, way to completely take the rug out from under Kasey. “Please don’t be an engagement ring” – Bitch, it’s only been 6 months!! Where the hell do these people come from that they get engaged after 6 months? Oh, wait… The Bachelor, my bad. OH NO, I forgot Kasey likes to sing. Oh, my ears!! Too bad Ali isn’t here to run in and laugh at him. Might put the sniper Godfather in check.
Rachel: First Jake & Erica kissing. Now Kasey singing? They’re really trying to make this a two-bottle viewing. Wow, that song was comical. Kasey’s ego is so far off the charts that I’ve had to coin a new term to explain it: A fame aneurysm. That’s right fame has gone to his head and exploded. He’s clearly suffered a massive fame aneurysm. The only possible cure is to vote him off tonight.
Spies Like Us
Erica is going to get to the bottom of Melissa’s scheming and spy on all her conversations. She wants to make sure Melissa is the lady going home tonight. Clearly, everyone in the house is drunk if they don’t notice that not-at-all-stealthy stealth mode of hers.
Melissa: Melissa is pissing off Erica and “the alliance” by talking to Jake. What is this? The WWF? Oh snap! I wonder if Justin had anything to do with that name. Back off bitch, that’s Erica’s man!! So, Erica is going to do a little spying to make sure she knows what’s going on and can turn the tables to get Melissa booted. Genius move… Almost as awesome as that bizarre crawl to the sofa. Oh the tangled webs of the Pad!!
Pre Rose Ceremony
This week the ladies are safe and one man is going home. Time to scramble kiddies… because clearly you didn’t see this coming after last week. Now, everything changes… again… and Erica scrambles to make up with Melissa in order to protect Jake. The conversation went a little something like: “I’m sorry you’re crazy… but I am too… so let’s pretend we’re friends because Jake needs your vote and well… I think I have a shot at getting me a little some of that.”
Melissa: WHY THE F*CK ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE IDIOTS?? Well, the use of ‘strategical’ alone should emphasize what I’m dealing with here, but there is clearly no limit to the stupidity!! Melissa clearly buys Erica’s sincere crap after the verbal lashing of the afternoon – come again?? Man you give dumb blondes a bad name! Sorry Kasey, America doesn’t really want you to punch Jake for Vienna… we just want you to stop talking.
Rachel: Oh that crazy Chris Harrison… Messing with all those pretty little heads like that. Once again, we’re treated to deep thoughts from Kasey. Jake wants to shake his hand and make amends as one of them is clearly headed home. Kasey wants to punch Jake… for America. I’m with my partner on this one. We really truly just want you to shut up. We want this more than we want job creation… Ok, maybe not. Maybe America has a few other things on its collective mind above Kasey’s Hulk impersonations. I’m just guessing here.
It’s down to the wire… One rose is left and it’s either Kasey or Jake’s. Chris tells us that the next name we hear is the person that is safe tonight. Way to ratchet up the drama. Kasey is safe and… cut to black. We have to wait until next week to see the fireworks!
Rachel: Ok, I’m a little slow on the uptake. I’m gonna blame the wine but I was really convinced something happened to my television. Nothing gets past me! Then the reality set in that Kasey is safe and I have to wait until next week to watch the fallout. Ugh, I’m so annoyed. Oh, the levels of arrogance we are going to have to witness from Mushmouth is going to be unbearable.
Rachel: I may be alone on this one but I’m loving the scenes of The Mask under the credits every week. I think it’s hilarious. I guess you gotta find something to make you laugh if you’re the one going through the hundreds of hours of footage to put this mess together.