Bachelor Pad Week 2: (the good, the bad and) The Ugly Truth

One Sentence Summary:  The fun continues with another week of back-stabbing and what is, literally, the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Guess I'll go eat worms... Or in Jake's case, crow.

Our Thoughts

Melissa:  With Justin gone I can sit back and enjoy this week’s Bachelor Pad… Hee hee, yeah right.  This week we’re treated to back-stabbing, tears and some type of “Ugly Truth”… sadly without everyone’s favorite pretend wrestler – I’m just sayin’… I’ve never seen him wrestle.  I digress, bring on the uglies… And by that, I mean the personalities.

Rachel:  Oh boy… Here we go again.  More drama in bathing suits, bad rose ceremony dresses and Vienna’s grey eyeshadow.  I would like to know what make-up company makes this shade and start a petition to have them remove it from the shelves immediately.  Why does anyone want to look like they have two black eyes everyday of their life?  Hmmm… maybe it just plays into her victim drama… Oh we’re on to you Vienna.  I’m just ready for her & her Mushmouth boyfriend to go home.  How are the rest of the housemates not ready to ball-gag Kasey so they don’t have to hear his “guard & protect” nonsense anymore?  Well, here we go…

Human Target Practice

Chris Harrison shows up early for this week’s challenge which pits the women against the men.  Chris asks some deep questions (Who is the most likely to cheat?) and paint-filled eggs are hurtled at the desired target.  The female & male with the most direct hits gets a rose and is safe from elimination.  Let the games begin…

Rachel:  Well, they’re wasting no time this week getting into the drama by starting with a challenge… ABC calls it “Target On My Back”.  I call it “Let’s Humiliate Ourselves For Our 15 Minutes of Fame”.  Sure it’s less catchy but, I think, much more fitting.  I wish someone would refuse to play because there are starving children in Africa who need those eggs.  So, Chris Harrison gets down to it with the hard questions…  Who is the dumbest?  Who is the least attractive?  Wow.  The producers have gotten sadistic this season.  I mean they’ve never been known for their benevolence but this is bad even for them.  Then again, it’s not like anyone of these people signed up for this based on the show’s history of dignified challenges and respectful interactions.

Ames misses… What a shock.  Something tells me he’s not the athletic one of the bunch.  I’m surprised they didn’t make him throw hot pink eggs.

Melissa:  Speaking of targets on their backs… seems everyone wants to see Jake go home according to the paint ball war-zone that is his back side.  I do also love Kasey’s proclamation the challenge will be easy for him since he’s been playing baseball his whole life… You see where I’m going right… Yep, he misses his first toss.  Listen, just because you’ve played baseball your whole life doesn’t make you necessarily GOOD at it.  Hell I’ve been dancing my whole life (granted it’s in clubs, at weddings, and on occasion in the kitchen with my son) but I don’t think I’m qualified to run out and join the Joffrey Ballet.  Poor Erica, no one finds her attractive and what her sent home.  Man, that’s a tough double hit for anyone!!  Thankfully she handled it with grace and dignity… and confusion why her because Ella is fatter.  WOW, way to immediately lose any sympathy we might have had for you in a single statement.

The Ugly Truth

Erica gets hit with pretty much every egg tossed in response to the question, “Who’s the least attractive female?”  Needless to say, it’s not the most ego-boosting moment for her.  Good thing she handles it like a lady and calls Ella fat & ugly.

Rachel:  While I’m on the subject of renaming things, this show should be called “How To Crush Your Self-Esteem In Six Weeks”.  I think it might be less for Erica after getting pelted with eggs when the guys were asked which girl they found to be the least attractive.  Wait, did she just go on a tirade about Ella being the fat ugly one?  Ok, I retract my previous statement.  I was starting to feel badly for Erica but, um, not so much.  Now I’m wishing she was hit with something stronger than an egg.  Speaking of something stronger… I think it’s time to pour myself a drink.  I think it’s going to be a long night.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Mike, the winner on the guy’s team, takes Michelle, Holly & Erica (guilt pick) out on the group date.  They get to spend the evening in a haunted asylum with nothing but their personalities and a bottle of Jack Daniels.  The entire date is rather boring but Mike gets his chance to get closure with Holly… which ends up being less like healing and more like salt in the wound.

Rachel:  Does anyone else find it amusing that they let the inmates out of the asylum just to drop them at another one?  Too bad Nurse Ratchet isn’t there with a little bit of her special therapy for these special kids.  Michelle thinks the awkward part of this date is going on it with a guy and his ex-fiance.  Yeah, I’m thinking any date with more than two people on it would be awkward… fiance or not.  Then again, I’m not trying to earn a living by dangling 20 feet in the air clinging to a strange man.

Melissa:  Who wouldn’t want a date to the Linda Vista Hospital (known for being closed down due to its exceptionally high death rates)??  At this point I’m back in the car and done with the $250K – “swing by the house to get my bags I’m out” done.  Thankfully Erica’s sequin jacket will scare the crap out of anything they could possibly run into.  I’m so not digging this date… have  I mentioned I’d be out before the front door?

Rachel:  Great, now we have crying and it’s not one of the girls.  Michael & Holly are discussing the demise of their relationship and he is crying like a kid that didn’t find a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot under the tree Christmas Morning.  You mean to tell me that TV romances don’t always have happy endings?  Come on!  Don’t we have enough bad news in this world?  Wait!  He fell back in love with Holly at an insane asylum hopped up on Jack Daniels!  Dreams really do come true!

The Love Boat

Melissa, the challenge winner on the women’s side, takes Kasey, Kyle & Blake on her group date.  They head off for an evening on a yacht and Melissa promises Kasey the rose… That is until Blake decides he wants the rose.  Blake puts the moves on Melissa who is overwhelmed with passion (aka: desperate) & changes her alliance.

Melissa:  Seems our Melissa is trying to leverage Kasey (since he apparently rules the house {eye roll}) and tells him she’ll give him the rose if he’ll in turn “protect” her next week.  People, you can not be seriously feeding that ego??  Didn’t we all collectively laugh out loud at him being left on a glacier??  Now he’s calling the shots at the Pad??  SNAP OUT OF IT!!

Rachel:  None of the guys want to be on the date with Melissa.  And none less than Blake who actually says that he doesn’t want “any part of that”.  “That” being Melissa.  But we all have a price and Blake’s is the cost of one rose.  I’m glad he reconsidered his game plan of not letting Kasey get the rose because now we get to watch him and Melissa (whose hair I want to wash really badly) make-out via close-up.  Can someone pass me the bottle of Jack?  Melissa tells us that Blake said their relationship is serendipitous.  I wonder if she knows what that means?  Well, it must sound good enough because she gives Blake the rose that she promised to Kasey.  Needless to say, Kasey is none too pleased at being double crossed by The Serendipitous Duo and warns us that they have messed with the Godfather of the Bachelor Pad.  Really?  The Godfather?  Is he serious?  The only similarity between Kasey and the Godfather is that they both sound like they have a mouth full of marbles.

Melissa:  Blake has a smarmy underbelly – did he take lessons from Bentley?  Whoa, wait.. did Kasey just liken himself to the Godfather???  WTF?!  He needs to go back to his glacier!  I almost wish Justin was back… no wait, sorry… not just yet, but there’s still time.  Thank you producers for the “sweet, sweet loving music” (anyone else flash to the soundtrack for a 70‘s porn??) for Blake’s kiss – or to whore himself out (his words – I can’t make this shit up folks… well, I mean I can… but).  Looks like Melissa double crossed Kasey, because she’s all smitten kitten over Blake.  This will not bode well with the Godfather… dun-dun-duh.

Desperado

Jake realizes his days are numbered and, unless he does something drastic, he’s going home.  To Jake, drastic means asking Vienna for help.  However, his pleas go nowhere as Vienna refuses to speak to Jake without Kasey present.  She doesn’t feel safe with a house full of people and cameramen.

Rachel:  It makes me physically uncomfortable to watch Jake ask Vienna for a favor.  I wish he wouldn’t.  Please Jake, no.  Please have a modicum of self-respect!  Ugh, he  should just get sent home for asking Vienna for help.  That alone is a shame spiral I can’t begin to understand.  But wait, now the women who have been listening to Vienna talk about what a monster Jake is are starting to second guess her.  Double, double, toil and trouble… I think Vienna’s pot stirring is about to backfire.  Maybe that Jake isn’t so dumb after all

Melissa:  Jake goes to Vienna for help in the house… interesting move Jake.  OK, here’s what I’m thinking… he’s brilliant.  After an attempt to speak with Vienna he decides a Vienna / Kasey dialog is in order.  Beautiful hat in hand approach asking to help him… in front of the others.  Now he’s getting a little sympathy because they look like completely unreasonable dicks to him.  That little exchange played out perfectly.

Three’s A Crowd

Blake gets cozy with the real object of his affection, Holly, when they get a visitor in the form of Melissa.  Melissa, still high from her date with Blake, totally misses the signs that she might be the third wheel.  Yeah, even Mr. Magoo can see those signs.

Melissa:  Meanwhile, Blake and Holly are getting a little frisky snugly under the sheets… no wait, aubergine chinchilla blanket??  Speaking of blankets… here comes Melissa the wet blanket to stalk (I mean talk to) Blake… and go a little cray cray.  He had better watch his back she looks like a bunny boiler to me… but maybe it’s just the crazy eyes and stringy hair

Don’t Let The Door Hit Ya In The Ass

While all the players are running around the manse double-crossing each other and making alliances, Chris Harrison and the production team were making their own plans.  Chris announces that this week all the men are safe and it’s the women that are in trouble… Not one, but two are getting sent home tonight.

Rachel:  Way to shake things up Bachelor Pad producers!  I think this is fabulous.  Jake thinks this is fabulous as he’s saved.  Vienna on the other hand…  Less fabulous.  She actually has an “It’s not fair.  That’s cheating!” temper tantrum.  I’m pretty sure I have never heard that out of the mouth of anyone over the age of 10.  Mary, she’s annoying.  Apparently, Chris thinks so too because he tells her that she can leave through any unlocked door.  I heart Chris Harrison. I guess he figures he has job security at this point because he clearly is no longer bothering to pretend he likes everyone.  And that makes his likeness factor skyrocket… even if he does think none of us can count to one.

Melissa:  I am wringing my hands in delight over this little twist!!  You have me back again Bachelor Pad… until you F it up next week.

Don’t Hate The Player…

Gia gets caught in the crosshairs of the double-crossing alliance-making.  She decides she’s over it all & takes the easy way out by leaving.  It’s all fun & games until it backfires on her.

Rachel:  I find Gia’s leaving hilarious.  She can’t take the high school antics anymore and has to leave the house… hyper-ventilating and dropping “like” after every other word… behavior curiously like a high schooler’s.  Do I really have to remind you yet again that you didn’t sign up for a Mensa convention, dear?  You signed up for a show called “Bachelor Pad”.  What did you think was going to happen?  Probably the same thing that happened on the first Bachelor Pad… You know, the one you were on as well.

We’re Not Laughing With You…

Kasey takes the twists and turns in stride because he is the man with the Throbbing Tattoo.  He is ready to “guard and protect” his way to the winner’s circle.

Melissa:  Wait, Kasey’s a sniper now?  I’m thinking the extra 30 lbs isn’t muscle.  It’s his head.  I’ll have to do some research to determine if tattoo ink can cause delusions of grandeur.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever

Melissa is the deciding factor on who goes home and decides to punish Blake for playing her by sending home someone in his alliance.  Jackie is sent packing.  Ames walks her to the limo and… Well, you need to watch the video.

Rachel:  The Gemini in me can’t help but have two reactions to Ames leaving the show to be with Jackie.  The bitter jaded personality thinks that was the most contrived thing I’ve seen in a long time.  You’ve known each other a whopping week.  You’re not in love.  You’re in infatuation.  Granted, it’s the best part of a relationship but is it worth $250k?  The romantic hopeful personality says Yes!  Yes it is worth it!  (And let’s be honest, Ames doesn’t need the money.)  Run after that limo!  Wait, you run like a dork… Stop running.  Walk after that limo!  I have to agree with the Twitterverse… That really was the most romantic rose ceremony in Bachelor/ette/Pad history.

Melissa:  Jackie is going home… and in what can only be equated to an Albert Brennaman inhaler tossing moment… Ames chases after her limo. Cue the collective SQUEEE from the ladies.  Good Luck you crazy kids!

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Next week Jake watches his value soar when he shows the ladies his sensitive side… or his package.  One of the two.  I can’t wait to hear Kasey’s response to that.  Not that I’ll understand it without subtitles.

Melissa:  I’ll be honest, I heard nothing besides “Jake’s package”.

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