One Sentence Summary: The best of the worst are back to compete for $250k and waste a whopping 3 hours of our lives.
Rachel: I cannot even fathom how anyone needs three hours of this show. Three hours?!?! The stock market is crashing, London is burning and we’re spending 3 hours watching Jake & Vienna pretend to be good people. Makes sense.
Melissa: Here we go again… back for a stay at the Bachelor Pad, for all those who didn’t find love in their Bachelor season, but more importantly looking for a little nookie on their way to scoring $250K. Let the love fest begin!! BONUS – Bat Shit Crazy (BSC – aka Michelle Money) is in da house!!
Let’s meet the Padmates shall we?
Rachel: Rated R – Well if this doesn’t just set the tone for this show. This douche is back? I’m sorry there is no excuse for a grown man running around calling himself Rated R. Who can take that seriously? And if you’re really bragging, wouldn’t you be called Rated X? Or Rated XXX? I hope he doesn’t last long.
Melissa: Justin the wrestler – still the d-bag with the Rick Flair attitude – minus the Rick Flair… er… flair.
Rachel: Jackie – Oh look, it’s Jackie. AKA Ames’s new girlfriend. AKA Bitch In My Crosshairs. I don’t remember saying it was ok for her to date my little ‘Tangle head. I don’t approve at all. I hope Michelle goes after her with claws out. That’s right, I’m on Team Michelle… for now.
Rachel: Michelle – Ok while I’m Team Michelle, I’m still hoping she’s bat shit crazy. I’m ready for this girl provide me hours of entertainment. Wait… is she wearing stirrups on her “home visit”? If that doesn’t say BSC, I don’t know what does. Her dad has colon cancer… aw shit… can’t be mean about that. If she’s serious about giving her money to colon cancer research if she wins, I think I may have to go serious Team Michelle. I may even have a t-shirt made. Don’t think I won’t do it.
Melissa: Michelle aka BSC, BACK IN DA HOUSE!! Playing the Dad has Cancer card – damn girl way to go right at my soft underbelly!!
Rachel: Gia – Once upon a time, I really liked Gia. That time is not now. Now, she has become a full-blown reality star and I can’t bet behind that. She’s a character not a person. She’s also a banana. Wes cheated on her with Vienna. Ew. Why? She must be the Chiquita banana of bananas if she is making Vienna look like the better deal.
Melissa: Can someone tell me why Gia is back? At least she already hates Vienna… so we got that going for us.
Rachel: Vienna – The Kracken tattoo is back! And so is the grey eye shadow. After all these tv appearances, no one has mentioned that? The rags are reporting that she had a nose job but I’m thinking it was after this was taped. If not, she should get her money back. I’m not a fan of Vienna’s but I imagine she’ll bring some crazy also so that I’m not bored into a coma.
Melissa: Once again the lovely Rachel reminds me I owe her some Kracken ink… cool your jets winey bitch! Back to business, Vienna… and no, she’s still not cute after she got rid of the horsehair weave. Why do we need to see her getting spray tanned (WTF??). She’s so hopefully her new boy-toy will be here if Jake shows up.
Rachel: Kasey – Really? Kasey & Vienna? He has no idea that he has wandered into the lion’s den completely unarmed save a tattoo that has a shield. Oh this kid will never learn. And he’s already starting with the “guard & protect” crap. But let’s hold on a minute… he has put on 30 pounds of muscle and now actually has the body to guard and protect someone’s heart. Now, if only we could get him to clear his throat.
Melissa: Kasey (??) what, now he’s guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart… or her potential quarter mil. You know he’s just waiting to open a can of whoop ass on anyone who hurts his girlfriend’s heart… with his extra 30 lbs of solid muscle!!
Rachel: Jake – Ugh, I cannot stand Jake. His whole being just oozes fake. While Vienna may be suffering a bit from The Pot & The Kettle Syndrome, I agree that he’s a total fake and a fame whore. We all saw “Angry Guy” on the Break-Up Special. We can’t unsee that. The cover’s blown. Just be the douche we all know you are. We might actually like you better.
Melissa: Jake… he’s pissed Vienna sold the breakup story before telling him (I thought he was a d-bag anyways) and that’s the story he’s sticking with. He’s walking around with a target on his back.. no, it’s not a conspiracy when they’re all out to get you sweetie!
Rachel: Erica – Do I have to hear her talk the whole season? She’s horrible. And bow-legged. She says her morals aren’t that strict. As if we hadn’t figured that one out by now. Thanks, Nancy Drew, for helping us out with that one. How proud her parents must be.
Melissa: I don’t know who the hell Erica is, but she’s apparenlty grown up a lot… well when her maid is around to help clean up after her so she can focus on her astrology and meditation. Thank goodness at least she has loose morals, thanks for warning us you intend to try to hook up with the house.
Rachel: Graham – I have no recollection of his leaving. I watched that whole season and have zero recollection of that scene… Now that I think about it, I have no recollection of him. So, jury’s out. Seems pretty cool and into charity. Not mad at that. But I’m wary of anyone that goes on these shows.
Melissa: Yet another one I don’t know who has also grown up a bit (I’m sensing a theme).
Rachel: Ella – She’s on to give her son a house. This seems a good way to go about it. Hard work be damned! I’ll go on reality TV! Oh I forgot her mom was murdered by her stepdad. Yeah… I guess you can’t really hold her to the same logic standard.
Melissa: Her mom was murdered by her step sister’s father… why do I not remember that??? I think I’m just starting to block anything Bachelor/ette from my mind.
Rachel: Holly – She was engaged to Michael from Deanna’s season. Is there a Bachelor/Bachelorette club where they all hang out? How do they all know each other? Regardless, she panicked and dumped him. He took her back and then pulled the boomerang-dump maneuver and sent her packing. Nice job. I wonder if they’re going to be in the same house now…. Hmm… What do those crazy producers have in store for us…..
Melissa: Surely the producers wouldn’t want the show to be awkward by bringing back ex-fiancees… oh… wait…
Rachel: Michael – Oh gee, Michael is going to be there! And he must know Holly’s going to be there. Come on. He’s not that dumb. Well, maybe he is. There’s something off-kilter about him. Maybe it’s just that he looks like a ferret.
Melissa: Does anyone else see Fire Marshall Bill when they look at him? I digress… Michael’s arrival and hellos to Holly kind of goes like this: Hi… tension, meet my friend awkward… awkward, this is tension.
Rachel: Rated R had to go through the Bachelorette show to get here. And where exactly is “here”? On another reality show? Reach for the stars. I don’t think he should be allowed on the show. It’s one thing to end up a reality whore… It’s another to strive to become one. Yes, lines in the sand.
Melissa: Not your smartest move acting like a jerk to Chris… not smart at all.
Rachel: Erica disses Vienna because she doesn’t even have her own apartment. Ooh way to pull out the big guns. If you’re gonna rip on her, rip on the bad peach dress and white shoes… although I guess those in Lucite heels shouldn’t throw stones.
Melissa: She probably doesn’t have a maid either… ugh, what trash!
Rachel: Oh my ‘Tangle headed Ames. I’m angry he’s on here. He’s too smart for this shit. Methinks he’s on here to prove he’s not the man with the slow hand… or more to the point, that he’s not a pink-boxing-glove-out-in-one-blow pussy.
Melissa: Rachel’s boy is taking another run… at something. I’m thinking his IQ is actually higher than 80% of the house combined. Maybe he’s scouting for Chris’s job?
Rachel: What is Gia wearing? WTF is Jake wearing? Where do these people shop?
Rachel: If Kasy says “protect” or “heart” one more time, I’m going to kick him in the nuts. I mean it’s hard to understand 90% of what he says but that seems to come through loud and clear. I think the only way I can take him all season is if I turn this into a drinking game. Every time he says “guard”, “protect” or “heart”, we drink. He says all three in one sentence, bottoms up! Who’s with me?!?!
Melissa: Clearly Rachel is looking for a little alcohol poisoning with that drinking game… we wouldn’t make it the first hour of the show!
Rachel: The sunrises on Day 2 and Ames & Jackie are already planning their relationship after the show ends. Jesus, Ames, way to take your time getting to know someone. This is like a high school dance… Whoever you dance to Stairway to Heaven with becomes your boyfriend. At least that’s how it worked in my head.
Rachel: And it’s challenge time… You know the producer sit around going what can we do to make these fools look like idiots… which considering the level of idiocy that takes talent. Wait, did I sleep through William showing up? When did that happen? All I can think while watching these women hang from men like possum in bikinis is that they must have an on-set waxing professional.
Melissa: OF COURSE everyone opts for the straight up missionary position to be hung from harnesses – wonder if the producers thought about that? Now here’s where my practical side kicks in; why not take turns holding on? It would keep both partners from tiring out so fast.
Rachel: After Jake wins the challenge and safety, Vienna takes Kasey to task for not protecting her like he promised. Dayum girl. Way to call out your boyfriend and make him feel like a dick. She’s an awesome girlfriend. I can see why he stays with her. Wait, no I can’t.
Melissa: Looks like we’re getting a little insight into Vienna and Kasey’s relationship – she’s not happy they lost, and it’s his fault. Man these two are dysfunctional, and now I love them… the cray crays.
Rachel: Rated R is already pulling the dirty dirty… and not in the good way. He thinks he’s going to be able to play both sides of the fence and not get busted. You dirty rat you. Needless to say he’s busted within 2 minutes of pulling his shenanigans. Good job. Kasey called Rated R “schematic”… He is. He probably also uses “strategery”.
Rachel: How many times do we have to hear that Jake got dumped by the PR agent? I guess if it wins people over to his side then that’s how many times. I just shouted “don’t do it” at the TV re: Jake giving Vienna the rose. I think it’s time I stepped away and had a good long talk with myself. That or open another bottle of wine.
Rachel: Gia’s like so hurt that Jake didn’t give her the rose… like so hurt. And heartbroken. IT’S A FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW! He didn’t just leave you at the alter. He gave Vienna a rose. Lawd, how am I going to survive this show. My blood pressure is already so high that I’m about to stroke out. I’m baffled by this. Baffled. In the meantime, Vienna doesn’t want to hear Jake’s apology but takes the rose anyhow. Take back the rose. Take it back. TAKE IT BACK. Breathe… breathe…
Melissa: That’s OK, she’s going to hide in her trojan elephant with the chess queen and pink puffy sneakers.
Rachel: Kasey and Vienna are so turned on by Jake’s apology that they rush right to bed. He’s not going to let anyone “mind plow” him… I feel like I was just mind-plowed having to watch that.
Melissa: Do we really need to see the cray crays getting all nekkid in bed?? MY EYES, MY EYES – I feel dirty, where’s the lye??
So it’s pretty much business as usual for the pre-ceremony… power plays, forces aligned, he said / she said, and of course the “I’ll watch out for you” promises.
Melissa: Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it be a hoot if Vienna and Jake ended up together at the end and rekindled the romance?? BAHAHAHAHA… sorry, I tried to type that with a straight face!!
Rachel: Ok, sorry folks… had to do a 10pm conference call so I missed out on all the double crossing and back stabbing before the rose ceremony. Maybe I’m just tooting my own horn here, but I have a feeling I didn’t need to see it to know what went down. I don’t need any explanations on the situation except for maybe one item… What the hell Erica is wearing? Was she not told this isn’t Dancing With The Stars?
Rachel: So Allie & Rated R go home. Allie is going home because no one was trying to get in her pants. Rated R is going home because he’s a grown man calling himself Rated R. Needless to say he leaves with all the dignity he arrived with… none. Peace out.
Melissa: ugh, and the Wrestler gets more airtime?? He should be staying and doing what he “does best; taking over”… um, sure… ’cause that worked for you in the past. Maybe you shouldn’t have been such a d-bag to Chris and he wouldn’t have switched all the photos out for yours – wait, what??
Rachel: I too leave this week, the way I came in… bitching about 3 hours of my life being sucked away for this nonsense. I may have to step it up to something stronger than wine if I’m gonna survive this.
Melissa: UGH, how many more weeks?? Tots in Tiaras is starting to look like quality entertainment right about now.