One Sentence Summary: Finally, the reunion show which translates to: this torture is almost over!!
Melissa: I always find it interesting that everyone is always happy, smiling and “CHEERS!!” at the end of the season but by the time the reunion rolls around and they’ve watch all the behind-the-back talking… the talons have been sharpened to a razor’s edge. Let’s hope part 1 doesn’t disappoint!
Rachel: Remember last week when I said the Reunion would be easy and I was just happy to have the season end. I lied. I “Bill-Clinton-I-Did-Not-Have-Sexual-Relations-With-That-Woman” lied. These women are horrible. Horrrrrrible. There are not enough words for horrible to describe how horrible they are. And there’s not enough wine in the State of Florida to make them bearable.
But let’s talk about how they look before I go back to being a winey Whiney… I gotta say that Jill looks fantastic… That liquid lift is like liquid gold. She looks 10 years younger without that weird “I’m being held up by the back of my head” look that most women who’ve lifted their pusses have. LuAnn looks great but it comes off as looking underdressed in comparison to the other women who apparently thought they were attending the Oscars. Actually everyone looks lovely in their jewel tones and metallics… except Alex…as usual. Her boobs are freaking me out and I just hate teal and what’s with her hair and lord that make-up is bad and the Dynasty shoulders are making her head look even smaller and… gasp… air… She looks bad.
The First 5 Minutes Are Free
Melissa: May I just quickly jump in with my annoyance over the “hellos”… why do all the women have to act as though they work the phone sex line and Andy is their latest caller?? Is it me or is that just unnecessary? I do like the Blondes vs. Brunettes seat assignments… very far apart that way they can yell across Andy at each other. Yes kiddies, the sides have been taken and no one is backing down! Oh ladies… I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Speaking of good old Rodney, didn’t he just get arrested? Sorry, tangent (shake a shiny object moment)… moving along.
Every Time A Housewife Speaks A Gay Gets His Ring
We go back to the Gay Marriage Rally and relive Sonja’s moment… since the day was all about Sonja, of course. Alex lets us know that all the fighting at the rally was ok because it is what brought attention to the Gay Marriage fight in New York. Kelly disagrees. The fighting was not ok and she knows because she is the “nice one”.
Rachel: And here we are… Back at The Pride March and it’s still all about the ladies. Seems to be really getting under Kelly’s skin. Not sure what this has to do with Kelly but here she is muttering under her breath…. or maybe she’s just making contact with one of her other personalities. But her behavior feels normal in comparison to Alex saying that their fighting is what gave exposure to New York’s fight to marriage equality. Wow, the level of arrogance on these ladies. I’m actually shocked to see that Andy is still sitting in his chair. You know inside he is screaming “Oh no that bitch did not just go there!”
Kelly’s been voted third nicest celebrity… by Cosmopolitan??? What were the qualifications for this contest? Only models that have been married to Giles Bensimon are nominated? If so, then I can see her being third on the list. Meanwhile, for the record, I just Googled “Kelly nice” and no Kelly Bensimon came up. Then I Googled “Kelly crazy” and the entire page is Kelly Bensimon. True story.
It’s All About The Genes
Sonja discusses her bankruptcy and divorce. It’s not the money she’s upset about. It’s the demise of her marriage because that it what is important to her.
Melissa: Really, must we review Sonia’s year so she can cry and hope to have everyone feel bad for her – that is until we remember what a bitch she is? I do appreciate everyone asking the question that had me scratching my head… how does one lose their blackberry in the toilet, then not notice you’ve lost it? Sadly we didn’t really get an answer to that one… ah, we’ll just add that to the list… like where is Atlantis, is the Bermuda Triangle the portal to another universe or crop circles.
Rachel: I don’t know why I find it funny that Sonja’s bankruptcy issue involves John Travolta. I think I just find him and his oddly shaped head funny… Pretty sure Scientologists have just bugged my phone for speaking out publicly against one of theirs. And while I do have sympathy for Sonja… Wait, did she just say that she has great genealogy? Who says that? And like that (I just snapped my fingers for those playing somewhere that’s not in my house), sympathy gone.
Jill v Alex Part I
Jill calls Alex out for meddling. Alex calls Jill out for gossiping. They call each other out for being rude at the wedding. And it ends with them calling each other an “effing bitch”.
Rachel: I’m so glad Jill called Alex out for meddling because that girl has lost control of her mouth. She is so desperate for attention… like the shy girl in high school that suddenly gets a taste of popularity cause she made out with the quarterback that one night… that she can’t stop saying provocative things so the attention keeps coming her way. It’s like crack for her… I think she’s literally high on attention. Maybe that’s why she’s sweating like a hooker in church.
Ha! I don’t need to see another second of this show to tell you what my favorite moment is and forever will be… Hands down Jill & Alex calling each other “effing bitches”. Well played ladies. Now THIS will make your children proud.
Jill v Ramona
We are treated to a montage of the highlights of the season’s battles between Jill and Ramona… all of which are loud and none of which are rational.
Melissa: Now for the moment everyone has been waiting for… well… you know what I mean, the moment Bravo thinks we’re waiting for – the Jill vs. Ramona bitchfest montage!! Ladies… I am begging you both… just give up, you’ve clearly reached the end of this friendship run. Seriously, move it along.
Melissa: BTW… how funny is it that Cindy is just sitting back and watching the insanity… she’s got to be thinking “WTF did I get myself into with this shit, I just wanted to promote my business!!”
Rachel: I’m with Cindy on this one. I can’t even follow this anymore… Your party was boring. You have to make it all about you. No you do. Well you’re delusional. No you are. This is nonsense. Absolute nonsense. They should all be on valium. They are now Charlie Brown’s teacher to me… I have heard nothing since Andy told them to “shut up” and called them “beasts”.
It’s A Dead Man’s Party
Finally, Cindy gets her “at bat” and it sends Ramona off the deep end about Cindy’s brother taking her dead friend’s cigars and wearing his suits. Everyone clearly thinks she’s insane… and it’s not just the people on the set.
Rachel: Oy. I’ve regained consciousness just in time for the dead man’s suit. Are we still listening to this nonsense? Ramona is a maniac. It’s not her dead husband. Why does she care? It’s the woman that Cindy’s brother is dating’s dead husband… I think she probably gets to decide who wears the suits. Then again, I’m using logic in a situation where logic is as fantastical as the unicorn.
Ramona v LuAnn
Ramona & LuAnn address their “differences”. LuAnn is offended by Ramona’s characterization that she’s a bad mom. Ramona has no idea what she’s talking about since she’s not responsible for anything that comes out of her mouth.
Melissa: A little Ramona / LuAnn battle now… wait a second… is Ramona the common denominator? Has anyone noticed Ramona likes to drop little “you did this… I’m not going to talk about it, you know what you did ” then chuckles to herself as though she’s in on some big secret that only she knows? Again, I’m going to ask Bravo to release her from her contract so she can get help. As for saying her daughter is wonderful and amazing compared to LuAnn’s – um, did you actually watch the footage of her telling you what you can and can’t do at a party you are footing the bill for? Seriously, that girl is one season away from RHONJ’s Ashley. At least we know when you and Mario divorce she’ll have an excuse for her poor behavior.
Rachel: I’m in stunned silence (which is probably ok since I’m alone) that Ramona actually cannot see how wrong it is to rip on someone’s kids and their mothering skills. Holy shit she’s out of control. This whole thing is out of control. I don’t blame Jill for walking out… Can I walk out now?
Part 1 Wrap up:
Melissa: I feel like I need to apologize this week… I just couldn’t keep up with the tempest like conversations I was witnessing – seriously… and to top it all off Alex starts turning red-faced and panting? I really did expect her to start frothing at the mouth. Geez women, all of you need to get a grip!! Where the hell is Ramona’s pinot? I think everyone needs to take a glass or two and calm the F down before part 2… yes, there’s a part 2.
Rachel: Do we really need 90 more minutes of this? Really?