One Sentence Summary: It’s Fantasy Suite time but not everyone is getting a key to the room.
Rachel: Well, I’m at it alone again this week as my partner has a family to attend to… the nerve. I find it hard to believe that Ashley hasn’t become a cherished family member at this point. She whines enough to qualify as another child. But that’s neither here nor there as we’ve moved on from Family Week to Fantasy Date Week. Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Tonight’s the night we get down to it and find out if they are ready to “take it to the next level” (a euphemism now part of our vernacular thanks to this show). The anticipation is so thick that I forgot that this country is going to hell in a hand basket. Debt ceiling, shmebt ceiling… “Will you join me in the fantasy suite?” is the question the country needs answered.
Actually, I have one more question… Is Ashley allowed to wear flats or skirts longer than the bottom of her… um, bottom? I think her contract must stipulate that she must wear heels no shorter than 3 inches because no one takes water taxis and walking tours of foreign lands in stiletto heels. And I swear, at this point, she’d go zip lining in a micro mini offering her “rose” to the entire Fijian population if she could. I guess we’re in need of constant reminding that Ashley has sexual appeal… Wasn’t the new hair enough?
Anyway, I’ve got my rosé in hand so I can feel tropical too… Let’s go to Fiji.
A Tropical Surprise
Ashley is preparing for her date with Ben when she gets a surprise visitor in the form of Ryan. He flew back to Fiji to ask (read: beg) Ashley for another chance. Apparently, somewhere between Taiwan and California, it dawned on him that tales of composting aren’t the stuff that dreams are made of. Will Ash give him another shot at love?
Well alrighty then, let’s get right into it. I’m surprised too…. I’m surprised that we are seeing the mystery visitor in the first 10 minutes of the show. Usually, we are forced to watch 17 “coming up” teasers before we are given the not-so-surprising surprise. And it’s Ryan! How could I not have guessed that? Really, it couldn’t be more obvious and it went right over this winey bitch’s head. Potential side effect of too much wine. We all know I’m one of the few that really liked Ryan and I give him much credit for sucking it up and putting it out there but oy vey. Take it down a notch, buddy. Desperation is an odorous cologne. But Ashley is giving his plea some consideration. I’m guessing she likes being on the other side of the begging for a change. Is there love bubbling under the surface for the Ry Ry? Probably not, but Ash is gonna let him hang for a minute. Seems reasonable… At least, he gets to be strung along in Fiji.
Steamy in Fiji
Ben gets the first Fantasy Date and they take to the open seas for a romantic boat ride… which includes a lot of double entendres about sunscreen.
At dinner, Ben is presented with the Fantasy Suite option and is quick to jump on in. Ben & Ash opt for a quick dip where they spend a majority of the time spinning in each other’s arms before the cameras are booted from the room & we are left with our imaginations.
I hate Ben’s hair. Is that the point of their date? No. But i needed to share because I really have a hard time looking at him now. What was he thinking with the Alfred E Newman cut? But that’s not what we’re her for… Ashley & Ben’s date… Ashley asks Ben how his family felt about meeting her and let’s him know she was so nervous around his mom. Well, no doubt. That wasn’t the warmest family situation of all time. But Ben reassures her right before he throws a “sunscreen is hard work” joke out there. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. To make my stomach matters worse, Ben is officially the first dude to consider saying the “l” word… Oh Ben, Ben Ben… you don’t love her. You can’t possibly. You’ve spent a total of, what, 2 hours with her? You lust her. Say it with me, “I lust you, Ashley.” You may even say you dig her. “Dig” is an ok word, as well. But don’t say love… please. Oh ok, committed is a good word too. Stop talking now.
On a side note, the music composers for this show need to win some kind of Emmy. The snorkeling to the most epic music ever is a hilarious touch. They’ve really upped the ante this season. Thumbs up, friends. Thumbs up.
Sad Clown Set-Up
As Ashley & Constantine set off on their date, they fly right over a sad lonely Ryan standing on the beach pining to be the man on the manufactured romantic outing.
Wow, does it get sadder than that? Come on Ashley, don’t leave Ryan hanging. Give the dude an answer. He only flew 10,000 miles. This is one pathetic situation… or is it? I think we may be getting played, dear fans. Perchance this is a ploy by the mighty Oz (or the Bachelor producers as they are more familiarly know as) to garner sympathy for the “Ry” so that there is a collective cheer across the living rooms of America when he is announced as the next Bachelor. You gotta get up pretty early to fool this lady, abc… Or just put an open bottle of wine in front of me, in which case it should only be about 15 minutes until I’m in an easily confused state.
Conquering Mt. Constantine
Ashley & Constantine start the date by flying off to a private island to cliff dive into a lagoon. Now, that’s a Fantasy Date if I’ve ever heard of one.
After an epic day of cliff jumping, it’s time for the Fantasy Suite offer. However, the fun is cut short when Constantine says he’s not feeling this 100% and declines the Fantasy Suite. It’s the end of the road for him and he, respectfully, bails before the nookie.
Constantine arrives for his date and is openly concerned with his “Euro-Mullet”. And it is with that phrase ‘Tine moves into a solid first place with me. I have to give Ashley credit here (and we know that is hard for me) but the ‘Tine would have not made it past the first rose ceremony with me. It’s amazing how much more energy his personality exudes vs. Ben’s. I imagine dating Ben is like being in a library all the time… quiet and somewhat stuffy.
Side note again… What must it be like to be the cameraman swimming in the lagoon with them? Could you have a more awkward job? Well, I guess you could be the dude in the fantasy suite.
So, Tine tells Ashley he needs time because he’s an actual normal guy but that isn’t working for Ash. Wait a minute… Ashley is wearing the orange dress she was wearing when she said “this night is over” in the preview when we were led to believe it was JP… Nice bait and switch. This rosé must be bad because nothing is getting by me tonight. And here we go… He’s just not feeling it and he’s not pretending… and he’s not fantasy suite-ing it either. It’s the end of the road for ‘Tine. I have to give him credit for being honest but now there’s no need for a rose ceremony as we’re down to JP & Ben. Really, these are the options? I wonder if Ry will get a shot now? You know, just so we can have a rose ceremony?
Let Him Down Gently
Ashley finally addresses the Ryan situation. She lets him down gently and Ryan wonders… out loud… again… if he will ever find love.
Oh this kid is gonna be crushed if Ashley dumps him again… which plays right into the producers’ hands. Muhahaha. And she here she goes… I guess it’s good that she’s not stringing him along for another 3 days and he’s taking it much better this time. Or… not. But I give him credit for laying it out there. We need more men like Ryan in this world. For real for real. But I go back to my original theory… We are so being greased for the announcement that he is the next Bachelor. I mean how many times does has he have to wonder if he’ll ever find true love before he has filled his contractual obligation? Besides he’s a man that cries and I’m pretty sure that is pre-requisite for being cast as the Bachelor. That and a stunning set of abs.
JP’s Date – I Don’t Feel Like Coming Up With A Better Title
Ashley and JP take a helicopter ride to a private island for their date… sound familiar? They basically spend the afternoon wading around in the water and talking. Zzzz…
At dinner, Ashley lets JP know about Constantine & Ryan and they bond over their mutual insecurities. This may have been the most boring date in Bachelorette history.
So here comes JP riding in on the coattails of an Ashley heartbreak again. Third time this season. So needy JP gets a needy Ashley. Let the codependency begin! Ashley has now told everyone that she loved their family… which is passive aggressive code for “Make me feel better about myself by telling me how much your family likes me.” Ashley says she said goodbye to 2 guys this week… Uh, no. You said goodbye to 1 and 1 said goodbye to you. And way to set JP up for thinking he’s the only dog left in the fight. Back at the Fantasy Suite (Did I need to tell you he accepted?), Ash pulls the “let me slip into something more comfortable” move and walks out in a man’s button-down. Hmmm… I’ve seen this somewhere before. Oh right, Chantal worked this angle on her season of the Bachelor? Oh Ash, you clever little minx.
The Most Unnecessary Rose Ceremony In Bachelorette History
Ashley wears her best “Skating With The Stars” audition outfit to tell Chris Harrison and the guys that she feels like she needs to have a rose ceremony because she wants to hear the guys say that they accept the rose and want to be there.
Ben says yes. JP says yes. No one gets sent home. I’m done with this episode… and this bottle of wine.
Bottom Line: Next week we get to meet Ashley’s family… Her tattooed Kat-Von-D-esque sister shows up and gives Ash a hard time. I think I may promote Ash’s sister to “my new favorite person”.