One Sentence Summary: It’s time for LuAnn’s video shoot and the ladies are suddenly acquainted with modesty.
Melissa: It’s the video shoot this week!! I wonder if LuAnn will dance on the hood of her Bentley ala Tawny Kitaen? Oh, that would be brilliant!
Rachel: The only way I could be more over a group of women would be if they were in New Jersey. I think a 16-week season of this nonsense might be covered under the Geneva Convention as a form of torture. I have gotten to the point where I can no longer defend or pretend to like a single one of them. I mean I’d probably still have a glass of wine with Jill but that’s about the extent of it. And speaking of wine, I believe it’s time to pour myself a healthy glass.
How To Make A Music Video 101
LuAnn and her team discuss the elements needed to make her new video the best video ever… or at least, the best video by LuAnn this week.
Melissa: LuAnn lets us know that “Beauty, Class and Elegance lies within the soul” – I would love that more if it weren’t so “ex-Countess” if you get me… Always forcing her Class down everyone’s throat… Hey ex-Countess, how about practicing grace lies within? Sheesh. I’m not even 2 minutes in and I’m annoyed… Maybe I need a topper on my glass of my La Crema Pinot (Noir of course – sorry Ramona). LuAnn’s not grooving on the team’s suggestions… a Hummer?? That’s just not classy for her – she’d rather be chic not gaudy… um?
Rachel: And we’re off discussing Luann’s video… about class, elegance & beauty… because that is clearly what these ladies represent at all times. When I think about CEB (That’s what all the kids are calling it), I don’t think about Hummers which is what the Director just recommended they ride around Atlantic City in. HA HA! Hummer! Oh, the easy jokes I won’t make because I have more respect for you than that, dear reader. Besides you already went there in your head. So, nudge nudge wink wink.
Gossiping Is A Work-Out
Ramona & Sonja pretend to work-out as a backdrop to their discussion of LuAnn’s video and their aversion toward anything tawdry. Yeah, you read that right.
Rachel: So, Avery’s letter made Ramona realize she wants to be a good role model for her daughter which causes her to opt out of the LuAnn’s video. She has a good point though… LuAnn is just a weekend mom so it’s ok for her to do the video whereas Ramona is a mom all the time so it’s not appropriate for her. Yeah. Don’t worry about the obnoxious attitude and binge drinking. That has nothing to do with parenting. It’s all about just showing up. Good to know. She also has a problem with the fact that it’s going to be on the internet forever… unlike the TV show which is just going to be… on the internet forever. Do you not see the cameras pointed at you or do the cameramen wear cloaks of invisibility?
The Other Other “C” Word
Alex & Simon host a BBQ for Simon’s Australian buddy which serves as another situation whereby a cast member can discuss LuAnn’s video. Alex poo-poos the use of the word “class” since one who has the “c” word never actually uses the “c” word. Who knew.
Melissa: OY… Simon and Alex and their parenting skills… Clearly this is going to turn into the “who’s the best parent” week. HOLY DAMN IT!! I have actually found something I agree with simpleton Simon about!! I tell my son you can drink when you are 18 because if you’re old enough to fight and risk your life for your country, you’re old enough to drink in it. Ugh, that just ruined my sip of wine. Ah, but right on cue to save the day Alex informs us “C-L-A-S-S” is more offensive than “the C word” (ala C U Next Tuesday). She doesn’t need to tell people where she’s from… Alex honey, the reason no one asks where you’re from is that they really don’t care.
Rachel: Simon’s Australian “friend” is in town and they’re cooking wieners on the Barbie. Jesus, they’re making it too easy tonight… Hummers and Simon with wieners. Alex rationalizes her position on not doing LuAnn’s video by telling us that she would do a video if it were gangster rap. It’s LuAnn’s abuse of the word “class” that she objects to. Okaaaaay. That word is apparently verboten and starring in this video would cause Alex to be disowned… Nude pics on the internet, well that makes mom proud. And wow, two references to the “c-word”…. Now THAT is clas… er, um… that thing money can’t buy you. Seriously, are you guys playing a joke on me? This can’t be real… It can’t. Can it?
The Hat Is For Scientific Purposes Only
Sonja joins Jill at a Memory Study, since it has become apparent that no one can go to an appointment in Manhattan without a buddy. The scientist is, needless to say, thrilled.
Rachel: Jill and Sonja are now up to discuss the video and it’s not right for Sonja either. LuAnn mentioned they may want her in a towel and that’s just not cool by Sonja. Sonja’s daughter has concerns as well… Again, I stare at the screen in slack-jawed shock. Soooo…. A White Swan bustier and forgetting your panties is child-approved behavior but a music video where you may be in a towel is unacceptable. Welcome to Hypocrisy Island!
Fight Of The Week: Ramona v LuAnn
It’s time for the weekly tete-a-tete between the Housewives. This week Ramona & LuAnn go at over LuAnn’s video which is just the cover for Ramona criticizing LuAnn’s parenting skills, yet again. Then Ramona goes after the one-two punch by bringing up LuAnn’s philandering ex-husband. That is enough for LuAnn and she leaves in a huff.
Melissa: Oh goodie, a LuAnn/Ramonacoaster lunch (It’s a shame LuAnn had to come all the way across town to meet her). Let the games begin… I truly do love the “competition” between these two!! OK, apparently spending time with children equates to being a good parent in Ramona’s world. Additionally, a music video isn’t setting a good message for children. Personally, I don’t think getting drunk on national television also isn’t setting a good message for children either – but what do I know. Turtle Time!
Uninvited Breakfast Guests
Sonja invites Cindy for breakfast at her home as a gesture of friendship. Cindy accepts Sonja’s offer but doesn’t let that get in the way of her workday. She has her assistant come over and conducts a conference call in the middle of Sonja’s kitchen. Need we tell you how well that went over with Miss Manners?
Rachel: Sonja offers Cindy an olive branch by cooking breakfast for her. She’s going to introduce her to the Bellini, since no one has ever heard of that drink that’s on every brunch menu in America. Mid-breakfast Cindy takes a conference call… not a quick business call… but a conference call with her assistant showing up to take notes. Um, those are not spontaneous so either reschedule or say “no” to breakfast. And then, she has the balls to ask Sonja to be quiet in her own kitchen. I’m now actually using a crane to lift my jaw up off the floor. These women are messing with me. No one is really this rude in real life, right? I want to vote these ladies off the island. Manhattan has snuffed out your torches.
Melissa: Truly the most awkward “breakfast” I have ever witnessed – Cindy taking a conference call (on speaker) while Sonja (who skipped her dance class for all this) has lots to do and is annoyed with Cindy ignoring her. Wow, Sonja get a grip, you’re still in your PJs woman! As for you Cindy, push your damn call back an hour and don’t be so rude!
The Moment We’ve All Been Waiting For
LuAnn’s video shoot has arrived and only Jill & Kelly are in attendance. Good thing Jill is there so she can tell the Director how to shoot a video. How does anyone ever get anything done without Jill Zarin’s help?
Melissa: LuAnn’s video message… beauty and elegance is within yourself – which of course begs the question “then why are you in a casino?” There’s no direction to this debacle – or if there is, the ladies don’t care and they’re just going to get in there and do it. I don’t know much about music videos, but this is the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen.
Rachel: LuAnn tells us that when the sun goes down, it goes down. Yep. Looked it up. It’s true. When it’s set, the bugger is set and it’s not playing. She also tells us that her friend “the prince” used to say to her “just get in there and do it.” LuAnn always found that to be good advice… Though she never did equate it with the money left on her nightstand in the morning. I jest. That’s not classy at all. You know what else isn’t classy? Jill’s incessant directing of the Director. Sweet Mary, she is so lucky she didn’t get booted from the set. I don’t know many directors that would have dealt with that nonsense. I guess this one was for the meal and not the reel. Just bear down and collect a paycheck.
Mario’s “Other Woman”
Mario, Ramona & Sonja take a road trip to Brooklyn for one of Alex & Simon’s uptight parties honoring something artistic, which must be hours away the way these three complain about it. On the way, Sonja’s boobs are the topic of conversation. At the party, Sonja’s boobs are the topic of conversation thanks to a nipple slip. Good thing she’s being tasteful and not doing LuAnn’s video.
Rachel: Mario’s a perv… And the other woman we heard about in Morocco is Sonja. Seriously. I’m sure he’s not sleeping with her but the level of inappropriate sharing is well… inappropriate.
Melissa: Alex and Simon are having a small benefit for the 40th Anniversary of NY Foundation for The Arts… in Brooklyn much to Mario’s chagrin. Clearly Sonja imagines it to be Montalivet, France and opts to bring a nip out for the occasion! Mario decides he needs a little more airtime and goes about it by dissing the Brooklyn folks on their turf <chirp> <chirp>… way to sap any energy that room may have had!
Melissa: Will the Ramonacoaster be adding another car?? LuAnn is going to duet with Natalie Cole – UM, WHA??
Rachel: There’s another week of this?