One Sentence Summary: The party train rolls into Taiwan and hometown visits are at stake.
Melissa: OK, I’m back from the UK – had my fill of Pimms, Kir Royale and Bangers and Mash. Let’s got to town on this bad boy! I’m also a little charged that I didn’t have to watch the return of Beetlejuice… I mean Bentley. Thank you UK television!! We’re off to Taiwan, and I think by the previews, it seems JP is getting a little freakishly stalkeresque this week… crazy train pulling into the station! And we hear why Brad and Emily didn’t work out. Dare we dream it’s only an hour long episode tonight??
Rachel: Can it be? Someone heard my cries! No walking through town in stilettos in this week’s opening. We do have to listen to her deep thoughts though, but I still consider this a victory! “On The Wings Of Love” cannot be far behind. Muhahaha…
And yes, JP is officially coming off the rails. I’m hearing the Psycho “ree ree ree” music every time he talks. I said Week 1 that there was something shady about him. And while crazy isn’t necessarily shady, I’d still like a cookie for getting it kinda in the same ballpark as right.
Anywho, let’s go to Taipei…
This One Goes To The Greeks
Constantine gets the first one-on-one date of the evening. The producers switch things up on us and make the couple take a train to another town before they walk around and engage in some local activity.
Then it’s another dinner in an awesome setting followed by them letting go of a wish lantern. It’s a pretty romantic scene which works in Constantine’s favor as he gets some lip of the deal.
Melissa: Why does the train ride remind me of the little train you ride around at the zoo?? Why also must she wear stilettos everywhere she goes? PLEASE, don’t get me wrong. I’m totally your stiletto girl (and damn proud of it!!), but when cruising and sight-seeing I’m all about some comfy flats… OK, a nice 4-5” wedge… but it’s a wedge! Does she have a foot masseuse behind the scenes making sure her feet aren’t completely falling apart around every corner? I like you Constantine – you are very real; which is incredibly awesome, not to mention rare. “Wish balloons” are cast, and methinks girlfriend is a little smitten. Gotta say the balloons are amazing in the night sky.
Rachel: Hey look! They’re not walking around Taipei on their date. The crazy producers are having them take a train to another village, Ping-Shi, to walk around. Way to shake things up! I hope they say “willage” like the cute little couple from When Harry Met Sally. Wait, is he holding a Starbucks bag? Please tell me there is no Starbucks in Ping-Shi. While I’d secretly be excited about a Zen Green Tea, I think outwardly I’d have to scoff at Corporate America’s invasion of this small village. Yes, scoff. C’mon, everyone needs a good moment of smug every now and again. Anyway… Why am I not feeling Constantine? I mean personality-wise he’s a pretty cool guy. Maybe it’s the hair. Well, it’s definitely the hair but is that all? Can I go from smug to shallow that quickly? I guess I can.
The Hair Has It
Ben (I think we can drop the “F” at this point) gets the second one-on-one date giving the floppy-haired men the advantage thus far. They explore the area on a scooter and… wait for it… have dinner!
Rachel: Well, it’s not a bungee cord but at least there is some danger involved on this date. I’m telling you though, these are the world’s most boring dates ever. It might be fabulous if you’re there actually exploring foreign locales. But here at home… snooze! Sweet Mary, they talk about his wine at every dinner. I mean you wont find two ladies that like wine more than these here winey bitches but come on. Wait! I’ve figured it out. You know what it is… there is no levity on these dates. No one’s cracking jokes. Every conversation is about the guy’s past relationships… or his family… or his relationship with his family. Lighten up, Frances!
Melissa: Vespa touring of Taroko National Park. Gotta say, I’m not crazy impressed with this date… and no way in hell you’d get me on that walking bridge without some serious drugs!! Aw, he remembers and cherishes their moments. Yeah, no. Soorry dude, you lost me with the wishy-washiness. I mean you still have the wine thing in your favor… but no heat where I’m concerned. Yet, he gets the all-nighter.
Meanwhile Back At The Ranch…
It’s time for the group date but all JP can focus on is the fact that Ben didn’t come home last night. He’s about had it with the other guys getting time with his woman and is starting to crack under the pressure.
Rachel: Oh boy… JP is aaaaaaaaangry. Ben not coming home last night has sent him reeling. Look how flushed his cheeks are. I mean I get that it’s got to be hard to not be jealous but again… Psycho music. He needs to take deep breath… and a Valium.
It’s a Three-Way Wedding
Ashley brings Lucas, Ames & JP to a Taiwanese wedding store to take faux wedding photos with each of the guys. Really? Each guy gets a different theme for their photo session.
Afterwards, Lucas is made to discuss his ex again. Ames bring some much-needed levity to the episode with nerdy childhood pictures. And JP tells Ashley that he’s not dealing with the situation well. Ashley rewards JP’s whining with the date rose.
Melissa: Lucas, Ames and JP get the group date, which means Ryan gets the last one-on-one date and the boys aren’t thrilled. They are off to take wedding photos. Again Ashley… bad juju girlfriend!! Why would you do that? All the while JP is growing increasingly more psychotic and uncomfortable… No wait. He’s growing more psychotic and I’m growing more uncomfortable watching the psychosis play out. There’s the rose – this is for a hometown visit boys! Bring your A game to the debrief! I really don’t want JP to get a rose just so I can watch him implode… I know it’s evil and twisted, but I need a little something in this episode! I would also like to know how many mini-bottles of Listerine they go through in an episode. I’m rooting for Ames to get the hometown. I totally want to see the rest of his madras-sporting clan in action. Sweet Mary, JP… You must chill!! If you brought that whiney (and not the apropos “winey”) shit to my playground, you’d get your face shoved in the sand (even with your shaved head). Yet, this is Ashley, and she buys the BS hook, line and sinker… He gets the rose.
Rachel: Why they gotta keep messing with Ames? Why? The pink shorts weren’t humiliating enough? Now this? I mean poor Lucas has to wear one of Simon’s caftans but this is just rude. And JP gets the sympathy rose? That’s annoying. He’s annoying. She’s annoying. I’m annoyed.
Well, That Didn’t Go Well
Ashley & Ryan head out on their first one-on-one date… need I say it… walking through the city of Taipei. They visit a temple where they their fate is sealed by a bad throw of fortune stones. That, combined with a lack of sexual chemistry for Ashley, gets Ryan sent home before she even changes for dinner.
Rachel: Before I get to the dismissal of Ryan, I need to discuss the shirt that Ashley wore tonight. At what point did it seem like a good idea to wear a backless shirt to a temple? She knew better than to kiss at a temple but no one clued her into the impropriety of a blue boob bib? Um, ok. Makes sense.
Back to Ryan… I’m sad to see him go. And yes, I’m alone on that. I accept that. What I don’t accept is the level of humiliation they subjected him to post-dismissal. Did you really just follow him around half in tears for 20 minutes and then make him hail a taxi? Really? Seriously? Why not just drop his ass off on the top of a mountain in Iceland?
Melissa: Ryan is getting swept up in the praying and chanting… it’s magical for him, I think. Please, don’t mistake me for a heretic, I just think he’s a scosh annoying. Apparently, it’s a good thing he’s not in Vegas because the “dice” aren’t with him today. Now, I’m going to mock his earthy-crunchiness (No, I’m not an evil anti-Earth person. Granted I own a Suburban… but, whatever… I do my part people!!) but his intro to their chat is “how do you help the environment?”? Did the rest of you hear the door slamming? With that, he gets the “don’t let the door hit you on the ass” dismissal and he can’t finish his exit interview. I’m sorry Ryan, I would prefer they just cut with you walking away and not making you discuss your “break-up”.
The Rose Ceremony
Ashley decides she doesn’t need a pre-party. She just wants to get this done and move on to the home visits. Lucas gets the ax and Ashley breaks into tears over how hard this is.
Rachel: I don’t know what I’m offended by more… Ashley’s dress or the fact that she put Ames on the ropes again by calling him last for the second week in a row. You’re pushing me, Ashley. You’re pushing me.
After After The Rose
Emily is back at the mansion to discuss the break-up of her engagement to Brad Womack. She is visibly shaken and hurt by the whole situation. She harbors no ill-will towards Brad and wished it had worked out.
Melissa: OK, I know this is a shock to most of you… It didn’t work out for Brad & Em. I’m going to start off with that outfit… Um, who the hell picks out the wardrobes for this show?? Seriously abc, I would completely love to help you not have these ladies look so… not their best. Also, why is she all sorts of crazy teary?? OK, it’s over… like none of us (no offense Brad and Emily) didn’t call this. Sorry. I’m thinking this is Emily’s first foray into becoming the next Bachelorette – don’t quote me… unless I’m right.
Rachel: I actually feel badly for Emily. She seems sincerely heartbroken that this didn’t work out. That’s sad no matter how much fun I poked at them. I also feel badly that she let them style her that way. That hair & make-up makes her look a good 10 years older than she is. And is it just me or did her eyebrows not move once? Awfully young for the ‘tox. She just needs to be the cute 25-year-old she is.
Bottom Line: A whole episode with no mention of Bentley! It’s a miracle! Next week we go home with the men. See you then!