One Sentence Summary – It’s birthday season in Manhattan and the theme is go big or go home.
Melissa: Looks like we’re going to be treated to the Sweet 16 parties for Avery and Victoria… and <GASP> are they on the same day?? On a happy side note, I am now the proud owner of a lovely navy and cream caftan. If this frock is anything like what the ladies were wearing in Morocco… I GET IT!! Of course when the package arrived I tore into it and immediately tried it on. It was like being hugged by angels. I then proceeded to trip over the bottom, unfortunately… but folks I tell you… caftans are the way to go! Sorry for the tangent, just thought I’d try to bring back the caftan… back to the ladies…
Rachel: Oh boy… dueling Sweet Sixteen parties. I bet the claws come out for this one… especially being that there is no love lost between Ramona & Luann. I wonder if Alex will storm into Victoria’s party in one of her tragically bad-choice outfits and demand that Luann hear her out about how having parties on the same day is not ok and Ramona is very upset. To which Luann will of course reply, “Darling, your posture is atrocious.” throwing Alex into a tailspin from whence she cannot recover. And… indulge me a moment here… what would really be great is if Alex and Luann then went at each other in a way not seen since the days of Dynasty’s Crystal Carrington and Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter’s fights. Ah, if only fake real TV were as fabulous as real fake TV from back in the 80’s.
Let The Games Begin…
Ramona takes Avery to the loft where she will be having her Sweet Sixteen to meet with the planners. Avery makes it perfectly clear that her mother is relegated to one room upstairs and may not invite more than a few guests. She also dismisses out of hand almost every idea the planners throw out because she doesn’t want her 200 guests to think they’re at a Bar Mitzvah.
While on the other side of town, Luann takes Victoria to her party planners to discuss ideas for her party. Victoria is polite to the planners, embraces the ideas and thanks her mother for giving her the party. Hmmm…. We can see where this is going.
Melissa: Dueling parties… Now we’ll get to view how the children of the Housewives roll when it comes to planning a party. Let’s start by noting what a little bitch Avery is. Is a she friend of Ashley’s (RHONJ) now?? What I love is her attitude when it comes to her mother’s friends. Isn’t Mommy footing the bill Sweetheart? Do you not know the word “gracious”?
Rachel: Ok, this Sweet Sixteen party thing is freaking me out. Two hundred people in a 5,000 square foot loft? We played badmitton in my backyard… and I was thankful for that. Although, if I’m being honest, my mother did throw a wedding-sized reception party after my brother’s Bar Mitzvah so maybe I should back off the stone casting as I sit here in my rugelach-filled glass house. I will say, however, that if my brother pulled any of the ‘tude that Avery pulled, there would be a lot less party and a lot more grounding. But I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, eh?
Taking Liquid Lunch To A New Level
Jill invites Sonja to her plastic surgeon’s office where she is met by Jill’s lawyer sister who offers advice on her bankruptcy issues… solicited? Not sure. Then Jill gets a liquid facelift which is a facelift that requires no cutting. What will they think of next?
Rachel: Um…. A liquid facelift? This just seems wrong. And scary. And painful. And squishy. But I gotta give it to Jill… She’s the first Housewife that doesn’t look frozen or pulled to the point of being unable to speak. Like this… Tamra.
It’s The Grown-Ups’ Turn
Luann throws Jill a surprise birthday party (to which she failed to invite Jill’s mother… oops) at a fabulous little bistro owned by Josephine Baker’s son.
Simon shows up in, what we’re assuming is the male version of a caftan, and is called out by a drag king (yes, such a thing exists) for dressing like a lesbian.
And Luann performs a special number for Jill on her birthday.
Melissa: Aw, LuAnn is throwing Jill a surprise party! That’s actually quite nice. Sweet Jesus! Simon is wearing a Sergeant Peppers caftan!! Why oh why must we have to have him on this show? Now I might have to burn mine. What a sad moment for me.
Rachel: Simon is dressed like a lesbian! Now that is a little bit of funny right there. Personally, I think he is dressed like a lesbian’s sofa. As I see Luann walking down the stairs in her Vegas Showgirl outfit, I can’t help but think “Why do I think I’m going to be embarrassed for Luann?” Then she starts singing… Oh, that’s why. Dear G-d woman, you cannot sing! What on earth makes all these Housewives think they are pop stars? Leave the singing to Khandi in Atlanta and everyone go about their business. Please. Thank you.
Simon & Alex hire a hypnotist to help Simon quit smoking.
Rachel: So Simon is quitting smoking via hypnosis…. Okaaay. As an ex-smoker that finally just had to quit cold turkey after trying every other trick under the sun, I’m suspicious of this. I love that Simon insists that if he just smokes his last cigarette before the hypnosis, he can move forward with the process. Really he’s more ready-ish to quit smoking than ready. So basically what I’m gathering here is that to hynotize someone to stop smoking you just make them pretend to sleep and scream, “You are a non-smoker!” at them a few times. Now that’s the gig to have. Sign me up! I’ll totally “hypnotize” anyone that wants it. I’m available for parties, private sessions… I’ll even fly to Paris if you need me… for very reasonable rates of course. “Arretez de fumer! Arretez de fumer! Donnez-moi le rosé!”
It’s Not A Party Without The Biebs
Avery has lunch with her ladies and they discuss potential soiree attendees… like Katy Perry & Justin Bieber.
Melissa: Oh snap… Avery’s friend just laid down the gauntlet with “you should have Justin Beiber there or Katy Perry (they’ll both be in town)”. Let’s hope we get to watch Avery’s head spin off while she tries to get the Ramonacoaster to go for that one!
Spy Vs Spy
Avery’s party gets underway with her very white Winter Wonderland theme and she spends half of it annoyed by her mother… who thinks Luann is sending the wrong signal by allowing her daughter to be in a nightclub.
Victoria’s party kicks off in the very black Arena club with a happy dancing Victoria.
Melissa: Dueling parties but whose was the best? I’m digging Victoria’s quite honestly – it seems like such a fun vibe. Avery’s party is Ramona’s attempt to outdo LuAnn’s and potentially relive her youth maybe?
Rachel: Ramona criticizes Luann for having her daughter’s party at a club when she’s only 16. Kelly & Jill explain to Ramona that she essentially built her daughter a nightclub. Ramona says no hers isn’t dark like a club… which makes all the difference, of course. Apprently she doesn’t’ get out much. That place looks exactly like BED in South Beach down to the … bed.
And I have to ask the teenage boys of America… Why with the Justin Bieber ‘dos? Why boys, why? It’s not attractive. All I can think of when I see those heavy swept bangs is how much oil production is happening on that teenage head. It must look like a Domino’s pizza under there. Gag…
An Offer You Can’t Refuse
Bobby pulls Simon aside to confront him about a rumor he heard that Simon has aligned himself with a blog that has been disparaging Jill. Simon denies any involvement but Bobby doesn’t look convinced.
Rachel: You know, I just love me some Bobby Zarin. No one messes with his woman. No one. Including one Simon Van Kempen… which is just delicious foreshadowing for next week which looks to be an all-out assault on Simon. Oh yes, it’s good to be back in the NYC.
Melissa: Simon continues to be creepy… ew… I couldn’t watch any other previews because I was so distracted by creepiness.
Rachel: I have had about as much of Simon as I can take as well. Seems like Melissa & I aren’t alone in our annoyance since the ladies go on the attack next week. Deeeelightful.