The Bachelorette Week 5 – Don’t Yank My Chiang Mai

One Sentence Summary:  Ashley and her men fly to Chiang Mai, Thailand, for another fun-filled week of romance.

Chris Harrison Invites The Bachelors To Join Him In Doing The Macarena.

Our Thoughts: 

Melissa:  From Phuket to Chiang Mai, we’ll follow Ashley’s journey for love!!  Ugh, I could barely get that out without my stomach lurching.  Then again, I am having a rather negative reaction to a nasty bee sting over the weekend.  But alas, I have my ginger ale and saltines… so maybe I won’t hurl tonight, though if there’s any more Bentley drama I can’t make any promises.

Rachel:  Is this the week Ass Hat returns?   I mean we know he’s coming back so can we just get on with it?  My patience rope with Ashley is just about at its end.  I think she may qualify as the most annoying Bachelorette in history (I feel like I’m paying homage to Chris Harrison every time I say “most…in history” since it’s his favorite line)… Granted it’s not a big pool of women but this girl is really starting to chap my hide.  That’s right.  Chap.  My.  Hide.  I’m actually beginning to wish it was Emily on the show now as well… At least, we’d get more Ricky Bobby jokes in.  Apparently, that big bag of hair extensions the show bought her didn’t come with a big bag of self-esteem.  Look, I’m not gonna go all pot-tea kettle on the “insecure girl” finger pointing but I’m also not parading around in front of millions of people looking for love.  I’m just sayin…

Side bar:  I’m just realizing that we have not been treated to one helicopter ride yet this season.  What’s up with that abc?  Too much “On The Wings Of Love” pressure, eh?  Yeah, I’m wise to your games.

The One-on-One Date With Ben F.  (For The Life of Me I Couldn’t Come Up With Anything Clever Here.  It Happens.)

Ashley & Ben wander the markets of Chiang Mai and visit a Buddhist temple.  They share their first “mental kiss” since there is no actual kissing allowed near the temple.
Then comes the ubiquitous dinner date (albeit in an amazing setting) which gives Ben a chance to talk the maturation of his wine and of him from emotional holdout to someone ready for a relationship.

Melissa:  Ben F gets the first date of Chiang Mai – and he’s thinking there’s 100% chance Ashley will get kissed today.  Um sweetie, hate to burst your bubble but she’s getting a little lip action every date she’s on… with the exception of Ames.  So they’re off to a street fair to do a little shopping, sample the local cuisine and make umbrellas… but no kissing near the temple… so they settled for a mental kiss.  Um, what?  If you really want to kiss each other, walk a block down dumbasses!!  But alas, we’ll watch the dinner date for the awkward kiss that will be a let down from the awesome “mental” one they shared.  Ben gets a rose, but those kisses seemed quite sterile in my opinion.

Rachel:  Ok, is it just me or did Ben F and Constantine go on the exact same date (although Ben got a way cooler dinner in that phenomenal garden)… which is made even funnier to me because I think they kind of look alike.  If I were Ben, I’d be asking for a refund.  Oh wait, that’s right.  The guys get to date a girl and not pay for a single thing.  Now I know why dudes sign up for this show.  Free travel, free food, free booze and, the clincher, free booty!  Not a bad deal…  And the mental kiss?  How very Cocoon of you.  Hey whatever turns you on, I say.

And I say this with no judgement… No really.  I’m serious.  No judgement.  I can to do it!  As Ben is telling Ashley (and the rest of us) about the death of his father, it is occurring to  me that there is a lot of sad stories this year, no?  Maybe they should fly Dr. Drew on over to Thailand.  Again, crossover reality TV… I’m creating a new genre right here in front of your eyes.  Can you feel the electricity?

Watch Out For That Right Hook

Ashley takes the group date boys to learn some Thai boxing moves which they use to battle each other in the ring… while we get to enjoy a parade of pecs.
Unfortunately, pretty boy Ames goes left when he should have gone right and gets clocked by Ryan resulting in him winning a trip to the hospital… and a concussion.  After suffering the humiliating blow, in pink shorts, he rallies back for the evening party just in time for Blake to get the date rose.

Melissa:  Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP, and Mickey go kick boxing… yeah, this can’t end well.  Great, now I have that stupid Mortal Kombat song in my head.  I must say though it’s nice to see what they boys have under the hood if you know what I mean.  I shall call this group date on the best shirtless look… yeah, I’m like that.  I’m going with Nick and Mickey for this topless throw down.  And if I may, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the producers for the generous helping of eye candy.  Poor Ames in his pink trunks… loses to Ryan and might be a little punch drunk so he’ll get rushed off to the hospital.  He’ll get a sympathy rose for sure!!  NOOOOO… a Bentley reference!!  UGH!  It’s like Beetle Juice… If you say his name 3 times he’ll appear!  2nd reference!!!  PEOPLE NOOOO!!!  AW LAWD… 3rd reference… here we go!  If he comes in singing Day-O I’m out!!  Blake gets a rose??  All poor Ames gets is a cheers?!  WTF!

Rachel:  I too would like to thank the producers for the meat parade…. I’m with my partner on the Mickey call for best shirtless look but have to go with Ryan over Nick for the second.   My poor little ‘tangle head Ames gets props too for taking his first bell ringing with such aplomb.  Takes a healthy ego to be wheeled into a Thai hospital in hot pink short shorts and then show up at the after-party.

And here is why Ashley makes me crazy… She feels so badly for what happened in the ring and couldn’t possibly have seen this coming.  Really?  Really.  You couldn’t have seen how putting a bunch of men in a boxing ring, who are all competing for your attention, and telling them to knock the shit out of each other might get someone hurt?  Yeah, I can see how it would take the IQ of a Mensa member to have foretold that one.  Then again, this is the same girl that couldn’t have predicted that her feelings might get hurt when put herself in the hot seat at a roast.  That’s one dense forest right there.  Whew…

Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You…

The dreaded two-on-one date pits William against Ben C.  Only one can get the rose and William isn’t afraid to do whatever it takes to make sure it’s his… which means accusing Ben C. of not being there for the right reasons.  Naturally, Ashley believes it and sends Ben C. packing without bothering to maybe ask him about it first.  However, karma rears her ugly head and Ashley also sends William home without a rose.

Melissa:  I have to give a shout out to William for the “two men enter” Thunder Dome reference.  Whoa, way to play the douche William.  Watch that karma dude!!  Did you channel your inner Bentley?  Ben C is sent down the river… literally.  In a stunning turn, William is sent packing too!  Told you to watch your step with karma…

Rachel:  Wow, that really was instant karma.  Finally, Ashley does something right by sending Will.I.Ain’t home.  Too bad she also sent Ben packing for no good reason… other than her rampant paranoia.  Ben so clearly knew what went down the second she said she was sending him home (notice how he looks right at William) and he still leaves like a gentleman.  Dude, you dodged a bullet.  For real.  That buzzing in your ear wasn’t a some Thai bug.  It was Ashley’s crazy flying right by you.

…Gonna Knock You Right On The Head

William leaves Thailand in what might be the most depressing exit in Bachelorette history… makes being left on an Icelandic volcano look mild.

Rachel:  There is no part of me that feels badly for William since he most clearly brought this on himself but, Dear Lord, this is depressing.  Remember when I said maybe they should have Dr. Drew on-call for this group of dudes… Clearly, I wasn’t off the mark.  Yipes.  Has anyone checked on William lately?

Pre-Rose Ceremony Party

Ashley grills all the men about their sincerity in being there.  You know same thing she’s done every week.  Then she sits down with Chris Harrison and tells him that she can’t move forward with any of these guys until she gets closure with Bentley.  Can’t you see how thrilled he is?

Melissa:  Shocking – Ashley is questioning the men and why they are there.  Are we going to have to deal with this every week?  I get it; you’re insecure, but not so insecure to go on national television.  So, give me a break!  And cue the Bentley drama… “she needs closure”.  This is now becoming a running debate of whether she’s an idiot for hanging on to El Douche.

Rachel:  She’s an idiot.  Plain & simple.  She’s an idiot.  Look at Chris Harrison’s face.  He thinks she’s an idiot too.  Yes, we’ve all chased after a guy that wasn’t good for us… But generally that guy wasn’t someone we were 1) warned was a douche, 2) were told he was going to leave the DATING SHOW we were on after two weeks who then left after two weeks and 3) had a dozen hot available men pining for us in the next room.  She’s an idiot.  Have I mentioned that she’s an idiot because she is, in fact, an idiot.

Rose Ceremony

And the winners are:

Constantine, Mickey, Ben F, Blake, Ames, Lucas, JP, and Ryan P

And the losers are:

William, Ben C & Nick

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  Nick is sent home.  What I find funny is that he finds it hard to say goodbye to love… um, you’re being kicked off the Bachelorette, you’re not being sentenced to life in a cave with no interaction with other human beings!  Give it a rest Drama!

Next week we’re off to Hong Kong and the return of Beetle Juice – this doesn’t sit well with the remaining boys.  FINALLY some entertainment!!

Rachel:  Not sad to see Nick go.  He never really did much for me.  And yes, next week Ass Hat is back and the men revolt over her obsession with said Ass Hat.  Let me tell you, I cannot wait to see the dudes put the smack down on Ashley.  This is utterly ridiculous already…. Knowing the guys get pissed is the only thing that’s going to get me through next week’s 2 loooong hours… because you know this will all go down at 9:55 pm.  I think someone’s walking… I’m going with either Constantine or Lucas.  You heard it here first.


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