One Sentence Summary: The Bitches aren’t feeling it.
Melissa: As you know the Winey Bitches love all things Housewives, but there comes a time where we have to take a stand. The season started out with such promise… I had my Bumpit in place for the table flipping, f-bomb dropping, Jersey Girl mayhem!! But, when Housewives become more about the Husbands (especially Joe Gorga) we pull up our stakes and move on. We knew it was only fair to share with you why you haven’t gotten treated to some Jersey Girls.
Rachel: Ok folks, I don’t know if it’s Post Traumatic Housewife Fatigue Syndrome or what but I just cannot get into the New Jersey ladies this season. So, it’s 100% my fault that we have not posted a word about them. My fabulous partner has gotten her reviews in on time every week but I’ve just been unable to fulfill my partnerly duties. These women are unbearable and Carolyn, the only one I like, is barely on the show.
Rachel: Look Bravo, it’s your show and you can do what you want but at least do me a solid and rename the show “The Real Assholes of Familia Gorga” or something. Then I’ll know what to expect. This could possibly go down in history as the world’s dumbest family feud. The funny thing is that I actually don’t mind Melissa, in general. She seems kinda ok but I want her off the show because, if she leaves, her husband leaves as well. There’s not enough wine on earth to make him tolerable. He’s so smug. And wears those stupid beanie hats. And has a serious Napoleon Complex. He’s smug Napoleon in beanie hats… how can I be expected to watch that? I believe that falls under the Cruel & Unusual Punishment Laws.
Melissa: So given Rach’s intro to Joe Gorga I thought I needed to go back through my write ups to share how my dislike for Joe Gorga started and evolved to my hating to watch my Jersey peeps. (W1) Did he actually just say cleaning up is for the women? Now let me ask this, is he a sexist because it’s the douchy thing to do, or is it because he’s short and has to overcompensate? (W2) He’s pissed they don’t have enough sex and she should be waking up for him… oh, listen here douche… stop your bitching and be happy you have a wife at taking care of your home and kids. You ain’t no prize short stack! (W3) “Tonight’s the night… I’m talking to you… ” you are a pig Joe, I’m talking to you. Maybe your wife doesn’t want to have sex with your petite sausage my dear. Complaining that not having sex is building up poison in his body isn’t really scoring points with me either. Really dude… take care of yourself in the shower. Please don’t get me started on the complete skeeve that was him riding the mechanical bull in his driveway while leering at his wife. Finally, Melissa informed the viewers Joe would prefer her to be “pregnant, cooking in the kitchen”. I can’t stomach this man and he’s ruining this show if you ask me, it’s difficult to watch with my flesh crawling!
Rachel: Apparently, Jacqueline got her psych degree in the off-season since she seems to be on the show solely to provide sound advice to Theresa on the War of The Joes. I guess I can’t be too mad at that because the more she is distracted by the drama, the less we have to be exposed to her daughter’s incessant bitching and whining. I seriously want to slap that child. Go ahead, call PETA on me. I don’t care. That little pig needs a good slap. But at least her parents are working hard to teach her the value of hard work… you know, by buying her a brand new car. Way to stay strong on that tough love thing.
Melissa: Jacqueline continues to struggle trying to figure out how to cope with Ashley. Um, a swift kick in the ass maybe?? Please don’t try to blame the “broken family” thing either. I can easily count half of my friends (including myself) who came from broken families. Guess what, we never behaved as spoiled as her (I may have had bouts… but she is such a little bitch). She needs some actual discipline in her life… stop paying the bills, don’t buy her an new Jeep and maybe she’ll start to respect you a bit. I’m wondering if a nice Yugo would set her ass straight.
Rachel: And I don’t even know what to say about the cousin… who’s so boring that her name escapes me and I don’t care enough to look it up. Karen? Kim? Kathy? Whatever. I wonder if her contract stipulates that she is to do nothing but stand next to Melissa and Joe and agree with them.
Melissa: It’s Kathy (I think… no Karen? Kim? Damn it, Rachel, now I can’t remember!)… and really she and Rich serve no purpose other than being designated pot-stirrers.
Rachel: So kiddies, that is why we are forsaking the NJ Housewives which is a big bummer because we were super excited for this season. When is Beverly Hills coming back?
Melissa: I’m sorry RHONJ fans, but I can’t imagine you aren’t with us on this one!! Let’s all start lobbying Bravo to ask for a Manzo boys spin off! At least we might get some more time with Carolyn.