One Sentence Summary: Ashley’s ego gets kicked around during a roast and pummeled into needing life support after a visit from Bentley.
Melissa: So, I can’t even begin to tell you how desperately I don’t feel like watching the train wreck this week. BUT, I’m kind of mellow after having a glass of Shiraz with my tequila-marinated shrimp and chorizo pizza – so what the hell. According to the write-up Ashley is upset after being roasted on the show. Snap out of it… the whole point of a roast is to go for the soft underbelly and all your insecurities… clearly she’s never watched Comedy Central. I also assume we’ll be treated to drama from the Emperor of Massengilldom. I’m starting to really have issues with El-douche. He’s not even good looking! Who has been blowing smoke up his ass letting him get away with this pompous attitude without knocking him down a few pegs?? I can’t even look at him on the screen without wanting to up-chuck my yummy pizza.
Rachel: I’m taking it from the previews that this is going to be a tear-soaked episode. Oh joy… Hold please while I pour a bigger glass of wine for this Festival of Love. It’s only week 3. How can she be crying this much already? If this is a sign of things to come, it’s going to be a looong season. Maybe some of the crying is mask-reveal related? Hmm… Doubtful. Personally, I think this is the week Bentley “pulls the rug”…. for which I am grateful. This guy is a royal ass hat. No, I do not know what an ass hat is exactly but Bentley is one. An ass hat. I stand by that assessment. I also stand by the fact that this is, and will likely remain, the only Bentley I have no interest in taking out for a ride. Now, let’s get on with it so we can watch Bentley fade into the rear view.
Fun With Flashing
Ashley & Ben learn a dance routine which turns out to be a surprise flash mob. They are then treated to a concert by The Far East Movement & a rooftop dinner. Ben impresses and gets himself the first rose of the evening.
Melissa: I think I heard something about flashing… gotta admit I’m only half listening, but I’m cool if he’s going to strip down. Oh, they’re going to a flash mob dance. The dancing is cute and all… but will we do this every week? OK, props to Ben for just completely getting into hearing the music and wanting to dance even before the flash mob… Well done my friend. You just earned a point in my book – you’re growing on me you Cajun cutie!
Rachel: I’m with my partner here on a third week of Ashley dancing. We get it. You can dance. Let’s move along… And yes, I also think Ben was super cute for totally going with the flow. But just as I was throwing down the props gauntlet, I had to take them back. The Bitches giveth and The Bitches taketh away. It’s harsh but it’s part of life. Why the props revocation? It’s the crazy talk about how he wants a love so perfect and happy that he & his missus spend life living in a bubble. Dude… take a deep breath. That’s the stuff stalking is made of. As cute as you are, you reek of crazy. Let’s just make sure to keep sharp objects away from that bubble of his.
Who Is That Masked Man… Oh, It’s Jeff.
Mad Mask finally shows Ashley his face. Now, we can get to know the real Jeff… except that the mask was the most interesting thing about him.
Melissa: OH, the unveiling – FINALLY!! Hmmm, that was anticlimactic.
Rachel: Um, he looks exactly like we all expected him to look. Unless he had a uni-brow or something tattooed on his nose, this was going to be the least dramatic mask unveiling ever. And it was. Ashley’s reaction was… was… well, there was no reaction because it was $5 mask, not a prosthetic face! Personally, I’m going to miss the awesome organ music that played every time they cut to Jeff. That was fun. Unmasked Jeff… less fun.
How Not To Talk To Your Date
Tonight’s group date is a “roast” of Ashley. While most of the men understand that this is the softball version of a roast, the concept is completely lost on William. He roasts Ashley with the gentility of a sledgehammer.
Melissa: The roast! Props to Ben F for noting the Hoff Roast. Well played. This Winey Bitch likes that. The only good show was the dentist… good job! Then there was William… Dude… Um, you can only roast when you are actually funny and talented enough to hit below the belt and they know it’s from a place of respect. Have fun in the limo ride to the airport.
Rachel: Wow. William. Whatever were you thinking? A few words of advice my friend… First, do not tell the woman whose pants you are trying to get in that you wish her pants were actually on another woman. Second, you actually have to be funny to be a stand-up comedian. Perhaps your lack of wit is why you’re still selling cell phones at the mall. And to that end, our third point… Definitely do not give up your day job. You have failed your audition. Seriously.
Next Stop: Doucheville. Population: Bentley.
Since Ashley hadn’t already spent enough time as a human target, Bentley takes the opportunity to further screw with her head when he sees her crying… All in the name of the rose.
Melissa: Seeing Ashley shattered, Bentley is going to swoop in and “make it all better” and work on his next rose so he can get some more airtime. Again, he ain’t cute… what does she see in him?? Something about him that is comforting – yeah, he’s playing you!! He knows how to work his prey!
Rachel: We’re not even halfway through this episode and I’m already cringing in pain. This man seriously has no soul. He actually freaks me out. It’s not like we haven’t seen a guy work the system before Bentley… We all remember Wes, right… but this is on a level I can’t even understand. And then listening to Ashley drooling all over herself about how awesome he is just makes me twitchy. And twitchy means spilled wine… And that ain’t cool. Not cool at all.
Least Fun Group Date Ever
After that fun, it’s time for Ashley to hang with her dates. William tries to explain himself without much success. Ryan P. does a much better job with his apology. Ashley confronts Bentley about the rumors that he is on the show for the wrong reasons. He shmoozes her but Ryan gets the date rose.
Melissa: Poor William is now realizing it was a roast in name only – ‘cause you hurt her feelings… that ain’t cool on the Bachelorette. UGH, more Bentley. Why… WHYYYYYYY! As I said to my partner in crime as we watch… he’s like a festering boil on the undercarriage of a ballsac. Sorry if that is offensive to anyone, but those are my completely unfiltered feelings about Bentley. I don’t find him attractive at all, and the douchiness just adds to my wanting him to get all sorts of Boomerang’d. I thought that was safer than putting a fiery car accident out there – bad karmic juju. Way to dance Bentley… dance boy, dance!! Ryan gets the rose – and you can see the bitchy pissiness on Bentley’s face!
Rachel: I don’t even know where to start with this group date. It’s like a telenovela without the evil twins back from the dead even though no one knew of their existence when they were alive. Droopy Dog William is actually drooping. Ashley is desperately trying to get reassurance from all the men. And Bentley is once again playing mind games. I tell you I’d hate to be near him during a thunderstorm because he is a prime candidate for a lightning strike. And if there is no lightning around, I’d happily settle for a good taser. But good on Ashley for giving the rose to Ryan. At least the Bentley fog lifted for a few minutes.
Bye Bye Bentley
In what can only be described as excruciating to watch, Bentley tells Ashley he’s leaving because he misses his daughter. Ashley, naturally, doesn’t take it the best and can’t imagine going on without him. Being the great guy that he is, Bentley leaves the door open for a possible return… Dick.
Melissa: The El-douche departure… let’s get this over with shall we? Haven’t we wasted enough time with him? Again, I hope his little girl never has a run in with someone just… like… him. Yes, that’s me asking for a little karmic quid pro quo – which I know puts a whole lot of negative juju on me… but he’s a dick. OK, shut the F up Bentley you fame whore. What is wrong with you? I don’t like to wish ill on anyone, but I swear I truly hope you meet someone who destroys you mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally… and leaves you a wreck of a person because you deserve nothing more than to have anything you actually care about (which I assume is nothing because you only care about yourself) drop you on your ass and turn their back on you. You are an asshole, and you deserve no happiness… ever… and FYI… you aren’t attractive at all. Oh, and I’m about done with your Bob’s Big Boy haircut too.
I really do feel sorry for Ashley. She fell for El-douche hook, line and sinker – and that really sucks because there will be the day where she actually can see these episodes and realize how wrong she was.
Rachel: Sweet Mary on a moose that was painful. Ooh, he is hateful. Vile. Evil. I cannot believe this man is raising a daughter. I cannot believe this man is allowed to raise a daughter. I hope his ex sues for full custody and uses this show as evidence for how he should never be allowed near children ever. There should be laws against such douchebaggery. Where’s Gloria Allred? She must have some ideas up her turtleneck sleeve. And I’m sorry, while I do feel badly for Ashley, I still want to shake her… shake her hard. Does no part of you think “Hmm… I was told he was here for the wrong reasons and he would only stay a few weeks. Well, it’s a few weeks and he’s leaving… Maybe I should be a little bit wary…”???? Fine, I’ll give her a few days but that’s it… There are like 15 other men (I’m too lazy to double check that number) fighting for her attention. I believe that falls into the “no mope” zone.
JP In PJs.
Ashley rebounds-ish from her heartbreak and has a pajama party with JP. He suffers the Bentley hangover with grace & skates his way to a rose.
Melissa: Poor J.P. gets to deal with the aftermath of all of Bentley’s shit. I feel bad for him too. Damn it, I gotta stop “feeling” for these people!! Props to J.P. accepting “the little things” and a night in with Ashley – well played. I think Ashley needed this and I think this will score him some points for the acceptance – That and he looks damn hot all fireside in his PJs. Yep, he’s still all sorts of “aw suki suki now”!
Rachel: Yeah, there is no part of me that is mad about JP in PJs. He’s super cute and he definitely handled broke down Ashley with tact. How can she not be all warm & fuzzy about this guy? Clearly, he’s smitten. And I guess guys actually DO make passes at girls that wear glasses. If I had known that in middle school, it would have saved me from bumping into a lot of walls. Ah well….
Chris sits down with a heart-to-heart with Ashley about Bentley’s leaving. Ashley is still feeling that there might be hope. Chris does everything but grab her and scream “The guy’s a douchebag!” to let her know that she needs to move on. Ashley and her 700-pound rhinestone dress aren’t sure but decide to have a rose ceremony with no party for the men. Clearly this leaves a lot of nervous men in the room.
Rachel: Ok Ashley, you have been given pretty much every reason to move on from Bentley including the host of the show you’re on telling you in no uncertain terms to move on. The red flags flying around you on this one are so huge that there are bulls in Pamplona thinking you’re a matador. Let’s move on, shall we? There are lovely men… some with stalker potential even… hanging in the other room waiting on your ass.
And the winners are:
Constantine, West, Mickey, Ben F, Blake, Nick, Ames, Lucas, JP, Ryan P, Ben C and… wait for it… wait for it… William. Big duh from both Winey Bitches on that one.
And the losers are:
Chris D and Mad Mask Jeff… another duh.
Melissa: I’m starting to find Constantine more and more attractive… I like a nice jawline. Too bad he won’t stick around much longer unless he brings it next week. I really wish Stephen would have given Nick a conditioning treatment before he left. Next week we’re in Thailand – and the men folk will be losing their tops to swim and frolic with Ashley – I’m in.
Rachel: I’m in too but only after I have a conversation with my partner about the fact that she cannot dig Constantine; aka the love child of Josh Grobin & Judd Nelson. BTW… we’re already traveling overseas? Why in such a rush to leave LA, Ash?