One Sentence Summary: Ashley and the remaining men leave La La Land and head to Thailand for fun in the… rain.
Melissa: So we’re off to Thailand! If the rumor mills are to be trusted , Bentley isn’t actually gone (see our Twitter page @twowineybitches for the news). Oh, there was such potential not to be completely nauseated by his douchiness, but Ashley BEGGED the producers to bring him back. Again, don’t get it, why do I have to deal with him again?? While I’m at it (scrrrrrraaape <dragging out the soap box>), I would actually love to go on this show and be a normal person (and for those of you who know me… you get the stretch of me being “normal”). I would like to be the first woman who isn’t reduced to tears over the loss of some d-bag she met 2 weeks ago when she has 15 other dudes whose singular intent is to become her husband!! I would love to be the first woman who full on states “I’m crazy attracted to you, so clearly you are an asshole because my radar zeroed on you, and well… no rose for you, thanks for playing”. Well, that and I’d like to roll in a Maserati, have my hair and make-up professionally done daily and trot the globe in my bikini… OK, well for the sake of everyone’s last meal – I’ll keep covered up, but you know what I mean!!
Rachel: After last week, I’m hoping for a fresh start because that episode was downright torturous. Chris Harrison is promising me… er, the boys… just that in Thailand. And you know, whatever Chris Harrison says, goes. Thems the rules. And while my partner would like to go on the show to use her asshole detector for good, my ambitions are less altruistic. I would like to sign up for the personal trainer and the travel only. Script the crap out of my season. I don’t care. Bring me twin Bentleys. I’m not scared. Have passport. Will travel. But knowing my luck, we’d go to Canada. Not that I have any issues with Canada, per se, but I wouldn’t call it my dream destination; especially because up in Canuck Country the odds of having Justin Beiber or Celine Dion be the surprise concert is way too high for my liking. Bali anyone? Argentina? Ooh, learning how to tango on a group date. How’s that for high jinks? Sign me up! In the meantime, let’s go to Thailand with Ashely and crew.
And So It Begins…
Rachel: COME ON!!!! 5 minutes in and we’re hearing her moan about Bentley? I want to beat her ass. For real, I’m about to go all Tatiana Ali up on this chick. I’ve now run out of patience with her. Between being told he’s an ass, being told he’s going to leave early, him actually leaving early and having 14 other men “dating” her, she needs to shut it. Besides we have literally…ok not literally but it feels more important when you say literally…But we have literally spent half the show up to now focused on that drama. Can’t we all just move on? Let’s go. Nothing left to see here.
Melissa: Whoa, what’s with the cut up tied tank?? OK, sorry, that was a total side bar and I didn’t even preface it as I should have… Apologies. Won’t happen again. But really – cut and tied Ashley?? Are you channeling your inner Alex Owens? We get it… YOU’RE A DANCER… NORMAL CLOTHES CAN’T CONTAIN YOU!
Let The Day Take You Where It May
Then comes the standard dinner where they share witty banter and get to know you ideas. No breathtaking revelations but the date goes well and ‘Tine gets a rose.
Melissa: Constantine (nice) gets some Ashley time. Btw, props for the manscaping sweetie!! Sadly we won’t get to see him topless again because of the bad weather – they have to ditch the beach plans for a little touristy shopping and meet some locals for advice on the success of a good marriage. The keys: “don’t try to win”, “forgive and forget”. Pretty good advice actually – thank you old guy. I’m still grooving on Constantine. He’s sweet, now let’s just talk about the shower shoes – ditch them luv, it isn’t sexy. Sweet Mary she’s still thinking about El Douche??
SIDE BAR: That is an awesome ring she’s wearing for dinner!!
Oh Constantine, you are totally winning me over! I like that you hold your own with no plans and just enjoying the moment even if it’s not balls out craziness that only Bachelorette can afford a couple.
Rachel: Oh it’s the Grob-son baby! And he’s wearing those Adidas slippers that haven’t been in style for 10 years now. Ok fine, I’m being unnecessarily hard on him. He seems nice enough. He’s chill. He’s just not on my list of finalists so it’s time to move along, Grob-son… And we’re back to Bentley. And we’re also back to her being vocally insecure. Someone sedate me. This is ridiculous. Imagine the amount of footage of her whining about Bentley The Ass Hat that we didn’t see. The poor cameramen must have been bleeding from the ears. It’s a wonder they didn’t beat his ass themselves. I am hereto forth declaring his name verboten.
But back to Constantine… Ok, I give him a tip of the hat on the fear of failure/sabotage thing. Singing my tune, friend. Singing. My. Tune. Still not ready to give you my rose, however.
Desperation Is A Stinky Cologne
JP gets a bit, um, sweated by the fact that Ashley has kissed other men. Welcome to the show, JP. Welcome.
Rachel: Oh boy… another potential crazy person. Please don’t be crazy, JP. Please. You’re way too cute. But that whole “who else kissed Ashley” moment just skerred me a little bit. Just putting it out there.
The group date starts with rehabbing a local orphanage, which is truly awesome thing to do. Ben F. jumps to the front of the line by painting a mural for the kids. Ryan P. starts to work the guys’ nerves.
Next we celebrate children by drinking and taking a late-night swim. Ashley gets one-on-one time with the guys and gets some lip from Ben F & JP… that we know about. Ben F scores the date rose.
Melissa: See, here is where this damn show gets their karma back for me – Ashley and the guys are helping to make an orphanage a little better for the kids. DAMN YOU!! Why do you have to make me get choked up showing the kids and how happy they are – oh you Bachelorette producers – IT’S WORKING!! Ben F – look at you rocking a mural for the kids – points for you! Oh, looks like you’re scoring a few points with Ashley too <bow-chicka-bow-bow> – you go sweetie! JP gets what I can assume is the second lip-lock of the night. Ben F gets the date rose … FINALLY, a smart call on a group date!
Rachel: JP says that Ashley chose to be there and it makes her totally selfless. Has my cynicism gotten the better of me or am I spot on that she didn’t decide to be there? She may not have fought the producers on the idea but methinks she didn’t wake up last week and say, “You know, let’s help orphans in Phuket!”… and then bluebirds landed on her shoulders and deer nestled at her feet.
While Ryan P. bossed everyone around, Ben F decided to paint flowers on the wall for the kids. Now that’s super cute. And real cute. Not staged cute. He felt her “buzzing” around him which clearly is sign language for “you may kiss me now”. And you may kiss JP now… Ashley called it magical but it looked like he was eating her face. I’m also not sure how I feel about the bikini with crocheted jacket as an evening outfit. Maybe a cute little cover up? Am I being too Amish?
Did Lucas actually just say “goober”? I think using the word “goober” actually makes you the goober.
Ames gets the second one-on-one date which looks like it might just be the date that Constantine was supposed to go on. They go boating and have lunch on the beach…
Dinner goes swimmingly but, of course, Ashley can’t make it through the entire date without bringing up… you guessed it… Bentley. Even though she is obsessing over another man, Ames still gets the date rose.
Melissa: Ames gets the last Thailand date with Ashley. I want to like Ames… I mean, I think it’s something I should say, but there’s something about him that seems slightly odd to me. Maybe it’s the teeth… they’re too white, or uniform, or something. Though, hello … you have nice arms my dear… and quite a nice rest of the upper body – who knew!! Oh, and you have white boards full of math?? I heart you!! I would totally BFF you!! Wait, that’s not what you’re looking for… damn. He scores a rose, but no kisses for Ames … wha-wha-whaa-aaa.
Rachel: Ok Ames is growing on me… even if his head is a rectangle. He seems like he’s actually educated, witty and cultured…. which are huge pluses. I’m kinda digging his scene. He’s not the best looking guy in the group but he’s not exactly scaring small children either. And hello! Who knew that body was hidden under the prep school blazer! Ok, I think I may have to reshuffle the man cards.
OMG! Stop saying Ass Hat’s name! You’re going to conjure him up out of the bowels of Hell like Bloody Mary! It can happen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Rose Pre-Party
Ashley takes out her insecurities on the guys tonight by interrogating the once-marrieds to make sure they are in it to win it. Ryan’s sunny disposition continues to irk the men to the point where Blake feels it necessary to call him out for being too happy. Really?
Melissa: Cocktail hour: aka time for the boys to get one last shot to plead their case. It kind of gets painful to watch with some. She gets to add a rose? OY, only to build up one of these guys til d-bag returns! Now, all I want to know is who squeaked by with Bentley out of the picture this week?
SIDE BAR: another awesome ring!
Rachel: Ok, it’s a rare moment but I do love Ashley’s outfit tonight. What I don’t love is her taking out her insecurities on West. I get the reason for asking but I’m not sure I believe it’s coming from the right place. She’s using Ass Hat as the measuring stick which is just plain stupid. Nothing good is going to come from her weeding out guys based on their pasts. No one comes to the party without baggage. Unless she travels light (which we all know ain’t the case) she needs to chill out.
And why the hating on Ryan P? He’s not hurting anyone. Maybe Blake ought to take a hit off the nitrous tank and mind his own business. What’s wrong with seeing the positive in life? We could all use more of that… And that is coming from Lady Cynical, herself. Which is me in case anyone wasn’t following… Look, I don’t know what you’re all doing out there. Just trying to help.
Ames, Constantine, Lucas, Ryan, JP, Mickey, Nick, Blake, William, Ben C., Ben F.
Melissa: West is sent packing – poor guy. Hmmm… maybe we might have our next Bachelor?? OK, so guys out there… let’s make a pact to do one of these shows… one of us gets the key role, one gets the supporting and we carry each other and go on a phenomenal trip around the world on abc’s dime!! Who is with me??
Rachel: Stupid girl. Stupid stupid girl. West should not have gone home tonight. She so sent him packing for the wrong reasons. Oh, I’m gonna have a hard time getting through the rest of this season. This girl makes me bananas.
You’ve got to be kidding me… Ass Hat’s coming back next week? Already? I told you’d conjure him up from the bowels of Hell! Joy.