One Sentence Summary: Let the dating begin…. In Vegas.
Melissa: Ashley gets to start spending quality time with her boys in Vegas… how exciting (yawn). Again, I have to wonder where all the men who wanted to fall in love and settle down were when I was in my 20s? Cause you know I was falling for a-hole after a-hole… like our bachelor Bentley – totally the d-bag I fell for every time.
Rachel: Hold on, I have to play my broken record… Do we have to make these shows two hours? It seems excessive. No wait, it doesn’t seem excessive. It is excessive. That’s an entire extra hour of my life that could be spent doing something productive like playing Angry Birds. I mean the Kardashian’s editors have figured out how to squeeze all that excitement into 30 minutes. Can’t the Bachelor editors work out a 60 minute plan? I know. I know. This plea will get about as far as my plea to the powers-that-be over at Dancing With The Stars but a girl’s gotta have dreams.
And speaking of dreams, Ashley starts the dream dates with her dreamy boys (aka: The Whitest Group of Men Ever Assembled) this week with a trip to dirty Vegas. Oh boy…
Honeymoon In Vegas
William gets the first one-on-one date and is treated to a day of mock wedding planning; cake tasting, ring shopping, & a wedding ceremony. He survives without having a heart attack (although it was close) and is treated to a dinner with Ashley in the Bellagio lake. He tells her about losing his father and they share the first solicited kiss of the series.
Melissa: William is invited to “make a splash” on a private jet to Vegas (hopefully their splash isn’t a water landing) with a rose on the line! Step up your game William. It’s go time! By stepping it up, he’s gonna have to mock marry our Bachelorette since that’s how she wants to “test” his sincerity for coming on the show. OK, I’m thinking the fake ring shopping is just bad juju Ashley… BAD JUJU!! NOW A FAKE WEDDING… STOP… JUST STOP!!! WTF IS GOING ON?! Oh, karma is gonna bite you on the ass Ashley – ala Jaws!
OK, William is working the serious side… lost his dad to the hooch. Holy crap, dad was left by the side of the road beaten. Guess they’re going to bond over their dads. I’m calling a rose in William’s future.
Rachel: I kinda love how, as the “faux wedding” festivities progress, he gets less and less giddy and more and more freaked out. You can see the hamster on the wheel in his brain starting to sprint… Wondering if he got duped into being on the first season of “So I Married A Stranger”. At least today’s date theme explains why Ashley was wearing that terrible white dress.
The dinner idea was cute minus the hundreds of people standing there watching their date. Ashley’s definitely digging William’s scene, and maybe it’s just me, but I think the “I really want to be a stand-up comedian” is a big red flag. I just think that Ashley and her anal rententive-ness are only going to have patience for the cell-phone-salesman-with-dreams-of-stardom conversations for so long. You know it’s true! Oh and then there’s the reek of desperation coming off young William. I really think he has the potential to be this season’s Kasey (of the “love and protect her heart” tattoo fame)… without the creepy voice. Don’t see it? Just wait… Meanwhile, nice visual euphemism with the fountains going off while they kiss.
Striptease (For Melissa)
The first group date is on and it’s a dance off! The boys separate into two groups, The Best Men (Stephen, Matt, Ryan M., Ames, Constantine & Chris D.) & No Rhythm Nation (West, Bentley, Matt F, Lucas, Blake & Nick), to create a dance for Ashley. The winners get a date with Ashley and get to perform that evening with the Jabbawockeez. The losers have to hop a plane home.
Melissa: Ashley’s going to see who has the moves and who doesn’t. Well played, my friend because we know it’s all about the moves now isn’t it? Setting them up with the Jabbawockeez to see if Gloria Estefan is right and the rhythm will get them. Now is when the boys get tense… how many white boy overbites will we see? No Rhythm Nation wins the competition and stay to hang with Ashley.
Side Bar: Totally crushing on Ben F. And NO, not because he would endow me with an endless supply of wine (well, maybe that’s 10%). He’s cute and kinda funny – and you know funny gets the ladies every time. Also Constantine is growing on me. Maybe Stephen will cut his hair so I don’t have to be so distracted by it.
Rachel: And so it begins… I have a feeling we are in a for a weekly dance routine from Ashley. I am going to guess that it’s to help draw in more male viewers but I’m going to guess that it’s not going to work. Regardless, watching these dudes try and choreograph & perform a dance is truly hilarious. Not a one of them has rhythm but No Rhythm Nation pulls it off and gets to stay. The Best Men get sent home with no dinner and no hopes for a hot tub session.
Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas
Bentley Le Douche steals Ashely away for some alone time to continue his quest for… um, douchedom. He manages to pull the wool over her eyes and get himself the date rose. In the meantime, West tells Ashely about losing his wife and Blake tries to make two dentists in one house sound appealing.
Melissa: Bentley the d-bag! Oh yes, back in the day my radar would be off the charts. Man he’s got game, this one! He’s all sorts of Jedi Mind F-ing her, start to finish. High five on that rose Brotha. Way to work it. Hope she comes to her senses soon and kicks your ballsac up into your sternum.
Rachel: Did they really just bleep “pickle”? That phrase is only offensive in its stupidity. This dude really makes my skin crawl. I don’t get the appeal. I mean he’s no dog but he’s so smarmy. And seriously, she was told he’s not in it for her. Upfront. Before he ever even got out of the limo. But she is so playing right into every one of his hands… “Please don’t leave Bentley. Please.” Dear Lord woman, have some self-respect. This is going to end badly (It’s not just my super senses telling me that but the previews for upcoming shows) and I can’t feel badly for her when it does. She was warned. More than once.
Personally, I’m a big West fan at this point. Yeah, he emotionally stunted but, well, that just makes sense for me. But I also have JP, Ryan P and Ben F. on my ones to watch list.
Viva Las Vegas
With the flip of a coin, Mickey beats out JP for the second one-on-one date and off to Vegas he goes. Most of their date’s adventures are decided by a flip of a coin and Mickey wins every one. They do the typical “get to know you dinner” and Mickey shares about the loss of his mother. After they stroll along the “beach” at Mandalay Bay where they are surprised by a Colbie Caillat concert.
Melissa: Mickey or J.P decided in a coin toss… love it. Gotta say, I like Mickey better with glasses than without them – I like the smart ones, or at least bookish looking ones. I’m wondering if Ashley will leave the rose decision to a coin toss. Meanwhile poor P.J. is still feeling the sting over losing the coin toss. Shut up… Did I call the coin toss or what?? Mickey gets the rose, a stroll on the beach and a Colbie Callait “concert”.
Rachel: Mickey is like one of those pictures that change depending on what angle you hold it. Sometimes from certain angles he’s really good looking and sometimes he’s, um, less so. But Ashley is smitten by his appearance and declares that he’s “even better looking than me!” Really? Did you really just say that? It’s amazing what a dye job and a bag of hair can do. Hmmm… What did I do with that salon’s number…
Anywho, date goes well and Mickey shares that he lost his mother. You know, not to be crass here, but there is a lot of deep moments of loss this week, no? The violins are working overtime. No matter, I like Mickey and have officially added him to my “ones to watch” board… although he was waaaaay too excited by the surprise Colbie Caillat concert. Colbie… less excited. She looked like she was thinking of ways to fire her manager for making her perform on the Bachelorette throughout the entire song. Why so angry, Colbie?
Leaving Las Vegas
Everyone heads home for the always-fun pre-ceremony party. JP wins some alone time and a kiss with a coin toss. Nick teaches Ashley some line dances (people still do that?). Ben C. regales us with bad jokes and cheesy one-liners in hopes of making up for not getting a date this week. William brags about his date, does bad impersonations & steals Ashley for alone time to remind her that they had a great date… much to the chagrin of the other men.
Rachel: What did I say about William? The scary desperate guy is starting to show himself. If you listen closely, you can actually hear his panicked little heart racing. JP, who I really want to believe is just having a bad night, comes in a close second with the desperation stank. And I know he’s seemed like nothing but a nice guy thus far (and I do like that he nicknamed William “Ding Dong”) but there is something about Nick that I find terribly unappealing. Just my two cents.
Fools Rush In
Jeff, The Mad Mask, steals Ashley away and reveals to her that he had a brain hemorrhage which changed his life. He also tries to reveal his face but is interrupted mid-lift by Matt.
Melissa: Seems the boys are getting annoyed with the Phantom… the loner… the rebel… the guy with the sweaty face wearing that black mask in the LA heat. It’s OK, the big reveal is coming soon! First reveal – Jeff had a brain hemorrhage. Oh snap! Didn’t see that coming at all. Just as the big reveal is coming… KA-BLAM – Matt mask blocks him!
Rachel: First, do we really not have a basic idea of what Jeff looks like? It’s not like he’s wearing a bag over his head. Second, is there a clause in Ashlely’s contract that says she has to leave whatever conversation she is in if someone interrupts her? Like a “tag team rule”? Because if that were me, I’d have been like “Uh Matt, can you back it up like 3 stairs for a minute?” Third, TAKE OFF THE STUPID MASK! It’s ridiculous already.
Bentley decides it’s time to slip Ash some tongue and pulls out more of his moves. Of course, he also is kind enough to take the time to regale us with how very little interest or attraction he has for her. He’s just doing it all for the nookie.
Melissa: More of Bentley’s true character, and more of his moves… what a playa. My friend, I have seen only a select few with your tenacity and skills in my lifetime. Bravo, douche. Hopefully little Cozy doesn’t meet a man like you… though karma is an evil lady, and she holds a grudge.
Rachel: I’m nauseated. Can we be done with him soon? Please…. pretty pretty please with rose petals on top.
The Rat Pack
The Rose Ceremony is upon us and the winners are:
And the losers are:
In Case You Missed It…
In case you had already packed it in for the night, we were delighted with a little more insight into Mad Mask… And by insight, I mean this….
Rachel: Ha ha… Someone has a sick sense of humor at the Bachelorette Production Studios… and I, for one, applaud it. I think this is the first “Bachelor On The Toilet” moment in series history. Kudos…
Melissa: Matt, Stephen (bad move losing the in-house hairstylist) and Ryan M. go home. Next Week: kissing, tears, and another performance from d-bag… and hopefully a reveal.
Rachel: I’m going to have to disagree with letting Stephen go as well. I’m hoping our girl wakes up and smells the Bentley soon… However, by the looks of the previews, she gets run over by the Bentley instead. Sigh…