One-Sentence Summary: Ashley’s back after dodging the bullet known as Brad and ready to find true love… on television.
Melissa: Ashley is back to find her true love – after getting her extensions, cause that brings love a runnin’– but right now I’m a little pissed she’s cruising in a Maserati for the show.
Rachel: Here we go again. I hope the producers are still as vindictive as ever and there are a few nutters to get this party started. Ashely is ready to go with her new hair and her new confidence… both which have been purchased for her by the show. BTW, I don’t remember Ashely being a dancer. Are they trying to make her more appealing to men by featuring her in little shorts and belly shirts rolling her hips instead of showing her in a dentist’s uniform? I hope not because if they turn her into Tenley I’m no way going to make it through this season. But we’ll worry about that later. Right now, we have bachelors to judge.
Let’s skip all the opening filler. Chris Harrison, we love you but we are not interested in your deep thoughts. Bring on the abs…
We decided to start this out a bit differently this season. We are ranking the new bachelors on first impressions. In true Winey Bitch fashion, we have created our own scale of hotness. Drum roll please…
Behold the scale!
1. Aw suki suki now!!! Mama likey!
2. It could be a good time.
3. Talk to me after a couple glasses of wine.
4. Do I look that desperate?
5. Not even with someone else’s vajayjay.
And we’re off…
The Profile Men – These guys get the producers’ attention and earn an extended intro. So, we’re cheating a bit here since we get a little background but we’re still being all Judge Judy up in here.
Melissa: 4 – Went from a 3 to a 4 making the hands heart around the sun.
Rachel: 3 – I was a solid 1 right off the bat… Solar energy & cute? So my cup ‘o tea. But after the bad puns and cheesy hand heart, he slid down to a 3.
Melissa: 2 – Solid 2… ‘cause you know I loves me a shaved head. He could be a complete moron. I don’t care. 😉
Rachel: 2 – I’m reserving the right to drop him like it’s hot if he turns shady. I like him but something in my gut says he’s not trustworthy.
Melissa: 4 – He lost street cred with the no socks image.
Rachel: 3 – I like an educated man that likes to travel but I’m not sold on a dude named Ames.
Melissa: 3 – Yeah, just a solid 3.
Rachel: 4 – Seriously? He’s a 215 on a scale of 1-10 of romance? I think he’s going to cry a lot. A lot a lot. I’m also sensing some stalker tendencies.
Melissa: 2 – Wine maker? Well, that alone gives him a bonus point so he’ll start at 2.
Rachel: 2 – I hate the hair (Prince Valiant anyone?) but I’m with my partner here. Bonus point for being able to provide an endless supply of wine.
Melissa: 4 – A businessman with a daughter named Cozy. Yes folks, Cozy. For that stupidity alone, he gets a 4.
Rachel: 4 – I was going to go 3 and potentially let the Cozy slide but after the “no woman would send me home” ‘tude, he’s slipped to a 4.
Melissa: 3 – He had me at butcher (Jersey’s in the house!!).
Rachel: 4 – Seems like a decent enough dude but so not my speed.
Melissa: 3 – Lawyer who runs shirtless (whatever). He lost his wife – found her face down in the tub – Sweet Lord! Yeah, he’ll be a tough nut.
Rachel: 3 – Yeow… Yeah, he may be the male version of Emily this season (minus a Ricky Bobby). He is the full package and would be a solid 2 inching towards a 1 if it weren’t for the shattered heart.
Melissa: 3 – Cell phone salesman who is a total relationship mess apparently… but cute as a button; well give him a 3.
Rachel: 4 – Oooh, this one is a hard one. He suffers from “Good Luck Chuck” syndrome (All I hear is Droopy Dog coming from his lips… Nobody loves me) and lost his father to alcoholism. Add in the cellphone salesman aspect and I just can’t give him higher than 4. Mean? Yes. Honest? Yes.
The Limo Guys – Finally! The guys show up in the limos and we can now base our rating on 100% superficial reads. We’ll also fill you in on the Profile Men and their first moments with Ashley. We’re nice like that.
Rachel: But let me start with Ashley’s dress first… Maybe it’s the mic pack she has on her back but it’s not the most flattering choice. Why do all the women on this show insist on dressing like pageant contestants? And what’s with the boob bandages on the dress? Shouldn’t those be on the inside? Let’s not get me started on the color… What does one call that shade? Drab?
Ok, I feel better getting that out of my system. Back to the men… Because, let’s be honest, that’s what we’re here for…
Ryan P – Heart hands is first
Melissa – First up again is Ryan. A big “whoa” from Ashley – yeah, wait ’til she sees the hand heart.
Melissa: 3 – Props for cute, flirty move – He picks her up to carry her off into the sunset.
Rachel: 3 – Wasn’t sure when he got out of the car “smizing” (Tyra Banks’s smiling with our eyes model move) but I like the move as well. He could move up to a 2 quickly.
Melissa: 3 – Seems wishy-washy
Rachel: 3 – The polite Southern Gentleman thing doesn’t do much for me. We’ll see what happens when his nerves calm down.
William – Droopy Dog arrives
Melissa: Should have shaved dude… and remembered your own name.
Rachel: Nothing says sexy like telling a woman that you’ve had your heart broken 10 seconds after meeting her.
Melissa: 4 – Goes in for the kiss. Jackass.
Rachel: 4 – The only reason he’s not getting a 5 is because he’s a chef. The only thing I like almost as much as wine is food so he skates with a 4.
Melissa: 4 – A liquor distributor who can’t speak – which given the horrid accent might be a good thing. Right now, you’re a 4. However, that accent of yours might send you to 5 by the end of the night.
Rachel: 5 – Ick. Yick. And yuck. Nothing appealing about him to me. At all. The accent… the awkwardness… the lack of a chin… all contribute to the first 5 of the night for me.
Ben C – Mr. Romance is back
Melissa: Pulls out the French… you’re a 2 now my friend!!
Rachel: Good job with the French but I’m not as sold as Ashley or Melissa. You stay a 3 with me. Ha, you speak French but I rhyme!
Melissa: 3 – Hairstylist – bonus points point for that, but you’re a 3 sweetie.
Rachel: 4 – The hairstylist (and the hair) don’t do much for me. Zero personality doesn’t help the situation.
Melissa: 3 – Would have been a 2 if not for rapping his intro.
Rachel: 4 – Oy vey. He’s cute and that’s the only reason he’s not a 5. But he’s cute in an “I’m 12, have my very first job out of college and live on ramen” kind of way. No thanks.
West – The wounded warrior is up
Melissa: Gives her a broken compass that’s stuck on west… Meh… Still a 3, maybe a 4.
Rachel: I kinda like the compass thing. Have I lost my edge? Nah, probably just a soft haze from too much wine. I like West but not ready to bump him up the flagpole of hotness yet.
Anthony – The meat man is back
Melissa: Look who pulls the Rico Suave attitude out of the limo. You are now a 4 – I had higher hopes for you, Jersey.
Rachel: He does have lovely skin but is really a giant cheeseball. The gold chain isn’t helping. I’ll keep him a 4 but really want to drop him to 5.
Melissa: 3 – Kind of cute and a boyish way
Rachel: 3 – Mr. All American boy. Def cute but not def interesting. We’ll keep an eye on him.
Ames – Here comes the overachiever.
Melissa – He brings ballet tickets but,unless he put some socks on, he stays a 4.
Rachel: Wait wait wait a minute here folks… If they don’t know who the bachelorette is before they show up, how did he know to get ballet tickets for the girl who loves to dance? I’m calling a big fat shenanigans here. And no I didn’t think reality tv was real but come on… let’s at least play the game. And why is Ames wearing his prep school uniform?
Melissa: 4 – A handshake, dude??
Rachel: 3.5? – Ok, against the rules, I know. I think he probably deserves the 4 for the lame frat handshake but I think he may be able to pull off a 3. So… I officially waiver on the fence on this one.
Melissa: 4 – The Phantom of the Reality Show – taking his face out of the decision, which, while I’m a big Andrew Lloyd Webber fan, you’re a 4, teetering on 5, douche.
Rachel: 4 – It’d be one thing if he didn’t get to judge Ashley on her looks at all but apparently this masked man doesn’t play by his own rules. He had better be stupid handsome under that mask to play this BS game… I’m gonna have to say that’s doubtful. But if it keeps him around another week, I will give him a “well played, sir”.
Ben F. – Le Grape arrives
Melissa: He brings wine and cracks a tooth brushing joke. You are now a 2.
Rachel: All men should bring wine on a first date. Just show up with a bottle and you’re already ahead of the game. Boys, you can thank me later for that valuable tip.
Melissa: 4 – You had me at the kiss. You lost me at the dance.
Rachel: 4 – You lost me at the wink.
Melissa: 3 – Sweet and drops yet another dental joke.
Rachel: 3 – I’m not a huge fan of overselling the joke. She laughed. Move on. Don’t tell parts 2 & 3 of the joke. I’m gonna give him the 3 because he is cute. Yeah, that’s the only reason.
Melissa: 3 – He gets a 3 because you can’t dislike a Canadian.
Rachel: 3 – Apparently, my partner has never heard of Celine Dion or Justin Bieber. Chris M. was a 2 until he opened his pie hole. He may move up but that accent is killing me. And he’s a CEO at 27? What kind of construction does this company do? Legos?
Melissa: 4 – He’s snapping pics of them and asks her to take a pic of Chris Harrison.
Rachel: 5 – Seriously? You brought a camera and told her you were a fan of the show? Um, what part of fame whore do you think will keep you around for a second week?
JP – Mr. New York is first out of the last limo
Melissa: OK, you’re still cute and a 2 working your way up to the coveted aw suki suki now.
Rachel: Yeah, I feel ya, Melis… although I’d rather feel JP. Just sayin… He just may be suki suki material.
Melissa: 4 – Oh, a poem… joy. I need you to get a condition treatment for your dried out wreck of a head of hair.
Rachel: 4 – Only because he seems like a decent guy is he not a 5. I just can’t get passed the highlights and bad poem.
BTW – How many guys have we met? 600?
Melissa: 3 – Um, no moves with this one.
Rachel: 3 – Yo… you’re a dentist. She’s a dentist. Maybe you could have used that to make your entrance more interesting than watching CSPAN?
Bentley – Cozy’s daddy arrives
Melissa: I’m not sure what the face was for because I skipped her talking to Chris about him.
Rachel: Since my partner missed it, let me fill her and the rest of you in… Ashely was tipped off by a friend that Bentley is a “Bachelor Boy” and only in it to promote his business. That is probably true and means he’ll make it into the Top 4.
Melissa: 3 – Ties a pink floss ring around her finger – Cute.
Rachel: 5 – Looks a Josh Grobin/Judd Nelson love child. ‘Nuff said.
As the men start to jockey for attention, we call out the highlights and the lowlights. Mostly, the lowlights. PS – Ryan P gets the first impression rose. Big surprise.
Matt loved the Hometown Dates on The Bachelor and calls his mom, whom he is convinced Ashley will love.
Melissa: Aw LAWD!! Mom’s advice – use protection! Awesome.
Rachel: Way to skip 6 weeks of getting to know you time. I think Ashley must be high on the excitement of the night or it’s in her contract to not eye roll at anyone because no woman in her right mind would not be weirded out by the mom call on not-even-a-first-date date.
Melissa: Oh, there’s a creepy window dude with signs… Ben, you’re not scoring points with me!!
Rachel: Part of me thinks it’s creepy and part of me thinks it’s cute and part of me is reminded of the INXS “Mediate” video and makes me wish Michael Hutchence were still alive. But that’s a whole different discussion. All of me thinks that Ben needs to take a deep breath lest he pass out from trying to impress Ashley.
Melissa: Tim is drunk… and now a 5. We knew it was only a matter of time – no 1st impression rose for you buddy – I’m just guessing! Oh good… best to sleep it off. The boys will load you into the car. Don’t worry about the ceremony.
Rachel: The heavy snoring is a nice cherry on the drunken babbling sundae you served up to Ashley. I’m sure your bosses will be impressed with what you did with that leave of absence as well. Bye bye, Tim. We hardly knew ye.
Melissa: Whoa… wait… is Ashley buying the mask thing?! OH NO!! He’s getting a rose I’ll bet!! I’m gonna go out on a limb and say is the BSC of the season.
Rachel: I do love that they play scary organ music every time Jeff is on the screen. It’s so ridiculous. It’s so ridiculous that Ashley is buying right into it. Some dude is going to end up in therapy trying to figure out why he didn’t get a rose but a guy in a mask did.
Bentley is bummed because he didn’t get the First Impression rose… because he’s competitive and not because he’s “overly attracted” to Ashley.
Melissa: Bentley you’re a douche and now a 5. I don’t like you – but you will survive.
Rachel: Douchebaggery! I wish they had a segment where they play Ashely clips of the guys when she’s not around. Now, that would be awesome. Kind of like how they did on Paradise Island. Speaking of which, they need to bring that show back… I cannot be the only person that watched that. Can I? Anyway, I second that 5 and also know you will survive.
The Rose Ceremony
Let’s knock this out quickly. While ABC like to ratchet up the suspense to the heights of boredom, we don’t like to make you suffer. So, here it is:
Melissa: Sad to see the Butcher go… but I think he’ll be fine. Season previews are less than enthusiastic… and looks like dumb ass is falling for Bentley – who apparently will show his douchy side. I’m not gonna say I told you so… just yet.
Rachel: Some curious choices. Clearly going on TV doesn’t make women any smarter about the men they choose. She keeps a man in a mask (although I’m going with the theory that curiosity got the best of her) and someone she was told was playing her. Oh lady… When Melissa says she told you so, I will be there nodding my head in sad agreement.