One Sentence Summary: It’s over!!!
First, I’d like to thank all of those that supported me through this tough time. I really feel like the pain was worth it… Wait, I don’t know who won yet so I retract that statement. It might not have been worth it if Hines doesn’t win that stinking mirror trophy. I’m still slightly in shock that I’ve actually watched an entire season of Dancing With The Stars. That is what true Steelers love looks like. It’s real and it’s deep. I wouldn’t do this for anyone else… Well, that’s not true. I’d tune in for Christian Bale. However, unless he makes some hideously bad decisions in his career, we can pretty much guarantee that isn’t going to be happening. Would be awesome though if he had one of his Terminator meltdowns on Bruno though… Don’t you kind of want to see that?
Anywho, we’re freestyling it tonight. I am told this means the pros can do pretty much anything they want. I feel like I’m about to get duped a la “the instant dance” again. Hmm, I remain suspicious… But I’m ready to go. Let’s get this party started… and by started, I mean ended.
Carrie Ann came to rehearsal to help them out and told Chelsea she was too perky. Ya think? Before I can even get to the dancing though, I once again have to comment on the outfit. At what point was it a good idea to wear fringe in the color of diarrhea? Oh stop it. You know I’m right! That color is hideous. And though I do love Mark, I don’t love him enough to want to see his nipples. Not to mention that he’s fully doing the pucker now! I seriously will not miss that.
Freestyling to Latinos by Proteyo Uno
Time for the first freestyle of the night… You know I think Mark is the most creative choreographer of the pros so this ought to at least be interesting. Umm… so yeah. That was… interesting. It was also a crazy mess. I don’t really understand what that was. But apparently I’m alone because the judges were all excited about it and gave them a perfect score for a total of 59 on the night. I reject this totally.
Bruno came to help Kirstie and Maks. While I don’t often advocate for more screen time for Bruno, it did prevent us from watching another Kirstie meltdown. I really do like Kirstie but I also am at the end of my rope with the drama. While I recognize that if it were me in that studio, I’d be just as bad if not worse. Much much worse. But that’s why I am on this side of the tv screen being Judge Judy. Never mind all that though because Kirstie looks great! New blonde locks and no leggings! It’s really amazing that she’s 60 years old. And btw, Maks’s nipples… less mad at them.
Well, The Bickersons are back for freestyle rehearsal and so are the leggings…. but at least with bare feet this time. Their dance started off really nicely but I felt like they got a little lost after Kirstie whipped off her monk dress. Yeah, I was caught as off-guard by that as you. And no, no lift jokes here. Too obvious and not as funny since she’s dropped the weight. I leave those jokes to the late night talk show hosts. The judges are either in a good mood or scared of the Scientology contingency and give them 27 for 54 total on the night.
Hines “So Money” Ward
Franco, Bettis & Swann, oh my! The Steelers are in the house! You gotta love the Steeler Nation. Always representing! I’ll say it again… real and deep.
Len was the coach for Hines & Kym (As if you couldn’t have guessed that… about as hard to figure out as a Nancy Drew Mystery). We actually got to see the funny side of Len and I’m gonna say, I like it. I’d have a cocktail or two with Len. Shocking I know. I guess Kym is feeling better since she’s back to wearing as little as humanly possible. Regardless, I gotta say my boy looked rather dapper as he twirled around the dance floor in his tux. I loved it. Judges loved it. Everyone’s happy.
For the freestyle, Kym and Hines actually take the assignment seriously and take the only real risk of the evening by doing a drum line dance with a live marching band. A live marching band! Hells yeah they did! Can you say “rad” boys and girls? I know that you can. This is what the freestyle should be. And maybe I’m a little biased… just a smidge… but the judges finally agree with me and reward them with a perfect score giving them 59 on the night! This trophy is in the bag.
Side bar… did Kym’s accident make her crossed-eyed or have I just not noticed all season?
Yeehaw! The finale is here! Wait… wait… wait. They’re all dancing again? Seriously? Come on! Crown someone already. I figured they were going to waste my time with a bunch of nonsense (and I was right… does anyone need another Black Eyed Peas performance?) but you’re killing me here. Of course they probably said this was happening last night but you know how Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke are like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. Besides, I’ve only poured myself enough rosé to last one hour. Not two. Normally, I’d be happy to see my boy Chris Jericho and be out of my seat getting my Go-Go’s on but let’s cut to the chase here. Just give Hines the farkakte mirror ball already!
Hold on… one second… did I just see an ad for a Charlie’s Angels TV series? Shame on you abc. Shame.
Ok, back to our regularly scheduled cynicism. So, now that I have sat through an hour of the eliminated “stars” dancing and the torture of Josh Grobin (not my favorite “surprise” ever) singing “You Raise Me Up”, it’s time for the remaining finalists to perform their favorite dances from the season. All three finalists earned perfect scores. Really? So, what you’re telling me is that the entire show could have been 15 minutes…
But none of that matters because Hines wins! Hines wins! Let me say it again… Hines wins! Woohoo! This makes losing the Super Bowl less painful… Ok, maybe not but it’s still awesomeness! One more glass of rosé for everyone! It’s only slightly awkward that I’m the only one here. Eh, a celebration is a celebration. Go Hines!
Well peeps, until next season… I’m not saying I’m watching but I’m not saying I’m not… Is it too early to start petitioning for Franco Harris to be a contestant?