One Sentence Summary: The New York “Housewives” are back and just as fabulously dramatic as ever.
Melissa: Twenty Bench Cab for my ladies of Man-ha-an (that’s me getting my Jersey on… it’s kinda like getting your sexy on… but in an IROC cruising, poofy hair sort of way – too over the top? I was going to go for the Fiero, but thought the Camaro was classier Old School Jersey!!) This season we’re welcoming Cindy Barshop; our newest housewife who’s made a name for herself going at the business end of the rest of Manhattan… removing their unwanted hair… “down thair” – Hey, I was going to say going down on Manhattan, but I figured I’d cut her a break her first time out of the gate. I’m almost giddy with excitement over getting to see my RHONY again… these are the ladies who started my adoration of RHO! Mad love to my Man-Ha-an Bitches – let’s get this party started!
Rachel: Ok, let me just start by saying that I’m the reason this post is so late. My apologies to the fan out there. I jest, we have at least 2 fans. Let’s just say I’m having a week worthy of a Housewife but with a lot less expensive shoes and jewelry. Someday… some day. But here I am, finally, ready to get my Manhattan on. So if someone could please pour me a Manhattan, I’d be most appreciative. I, like my fabulous partner, am most excited to see these ladies again. Miami Housewives, pay attention. This is how it’s done.
From Zero to Bitchy in 60 Seconds
The Housewives waste no time engaging in the theatrics when Jill & Alex face each other for the first time since the Reunion at Ramona’s wine party… where the wine is named “Ramona”.
Melissa: Ramona has some wine… and not just the fact that she’s a booze hound… seems she has her own blend?? So she’s throwing a party to celebrate. Yes, let’s start everyone back to all their shit with some booze… awesome!! Love how you roll!
Rachel: Oh boy… I get the sneaking suspicion that the wheels are coming off of Alex’s wagon this season. Seems she isn’t quite yet comfortable being in the same room as Jill. And well, nothing says calm and collected like chugging your wine and grimacing like you’ve been just been told there will be a mandatory screening of “From Justin To Kelly”. BTW, I will know TWB’s have made it when we have our own blend. Dare to dream…
New York’s Next Top Model
Alex & Simon are both starting new careers this year. Simon is starting a social networking site and Alex is modeling. No, not making model ships. Modeling.
Melissa: Screeeeeech… Alex is a model – huh?!?!?! I don’t want to be snarky here (Hell, who am I kidding… I live to be snarky and sarcastic… that’s what people love about me) but why do I think the only reason people are giving Alex a second look is because she’s a RH? Sorry, that may have been bitchy, but she and Simon annoy the F out of me. Side note… does anyone else feel their flesh crawl when Simon speaks to her/about her in his quasi sexy tone??
Rachel: I’m gonna see that “huh” and raise it a WTF!?!? Did Bravo tell Cory Bautista the only way we’d see a third season of “Make Me A Supermodel” is if he signed a Housewife to his Agency? I mean if they did, I can’t blame him but not the one I would have picked. And while I’m in my WTF shock haze, did she say 36 years old? She’s only 36? Really? Am I the only not buying it? And I’ll just end my dismay with this scene by requesting that Alex never try and be “street” again. Honey, you are not “down” with anything. Trust me.
Bethenny’s Replacement Housewife: Cindy
We are introduced to the newest cast member, Cindy Barshop.
Melissa: We meet Cindy… who is “very downtown” according to Sonja… as we watch her doing shots… hello, love her so far!! Oh, and hello … she’s all about the bedazzling of the va-hay-jay! Man, and the bitch is creating a painting to raise money for cancer… she hit me in my soft underbelly… I’m hers, for the rest of the season… that is unless she becomes a douche.
Rachel: Viva La Cindy! Who doesn’t love a woman that creates an empire by vajazzling and vawaxing! I’m feeling the warm and fuzzy for her… Well, I guess we don’t do fuzzy in her world. Ok, I’m feeling the warm & kempt for her. I love that she is a sister doing it for herself… but isn’t angry or bitter. At least not openly… and isn’t that the secret, really? Not that I know anything about that… Bethenny who?
Buy That Lady A Map!
Ramona interviews potential assistants with the usual aplomb & tact we are used to seeing from her.
Melissa: BEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT: “That’s a beautiful name, that almost sounds like a country” – picture me slamming my lips together and looking at my toes… Oh, Ramona!
Rachel: Ramona’s mouth must have a permanent taste of shoe leather. Seriously, sometimes I think we’re being Punk’d. I keep waiting for Andy Cohen to pop out from behind the scenes wearing a “Mazel” trucker hat and tell us it’s all a big hoax. But, alas, I fear Ramona is just that clueless about her affect on the people around her. Self-editing… not her strong suit.
Sonja & Luann show off their new boy toys on a double date.
Melissa: We get to meet Sonja’s hot bald friend Brian… Hello! If you know me, you know why I’m a little speechless. Ahem. OK, while I love my NY bitches… Ladies, you need to control the double entendres. Let’s play somewhat subtle shall we? He doesn’t want to stroll through “the bushes in your garden”. That’s just the best line he can think of… Please don’t eat it up like you’ve been on a month long hunger strike.
Rachel: Look at the man candy these ladies wrastled up! To quote one Chelsea Handler: A tip of the hat. I am sure these boys have zero interest in these ladies’ divorce settlements or TV time. What??? I’m being sincere…. I am! Ok, I’m not.
Bring It On!
Jill is surprised to see Alex at a Hampton’s wedding. Alex lays into Jill the moment she gets out of the car and again later at the reception.
Melissa: HOLLA!! FINALLY, someone blows the whistle on Ramona and Alex’s (the pot stirrer) white dresses at the wedding. I’ve been holding my tongue for… oh I don’t know, 10 minutes or so on that faux pas. Seriously Alex, who taught you manners? The History Channel’s Swamp People (who I think actually get the whole don’t steal the bride’s thunder on her wedding day – nor would they think to stick their finger in someone else’s wedding cake… Ramona)?
Rachel: Count me in on the “Don’t Steal Focus” bandwagon. And if you are going to be ballsy enough to wear cream, at least make it fabulous. Alex’s dress could not have been less flattering. She really would have benefitted from some Spanx (even supermodels need control). But really, she had more important things to think about… like harassing Jill… again. Sweet Fancy Moses! Someone please knock that chip off of Alex’s bony shoulder before I suffocate her with the “Well Meaning Morons” chapter of her book.
Our Hopes For The Season:
Melissa: Oh yeah… lots of tears, bitchiness, faux calling out and wannabe cat fights in this season’s RHONY… and I can’t wait!
Rachel: I have to say I’m doing a little bit of a happy dance. And trust me, that is saying something. These ladies know how to give good TV. I have a feeling my alliance is going to shift this season to Jill’s team. She really seems to have taken to heart the collective “FU” heard ’round the horn last season. That or Alex is such an A-hole that she’s making Jill look sympathetic this year… and that, my friends, is am impressive level of assholery.
Watch What Happens Side Note:
Melissa: What’s up with Jill’s flashback Madonna-esque wannabe look? Huh? Girlfriend… STOP!
Rachel: Mutton dressed like 80’s lamb.