One Sentence Summary: Hines Ward shakes his booty and some other people dance.
Rachel: Well, my partner and I vowed not to watch DWTS but I folded like a cheap lawn chair. I really only wanted to see Hines Ward represent the ‘Burgh, but next thing I knew, it was 10pm and Castle was coming on. So, if I’m going to suffer through 2 hours of that (without a cocktail, mind you), I might as well throw down my 10¢ for you all. I can’t promise funny or a Week 2 but I can take you on this week’s ride.
I have no idea who this is. I have no idea what she did. I was on the phone for her premiere. However, judging from the clip, she may have eaten a few too many lemons before hitting the stage.
Well, I figured Wendy might be a little awkward being that she’s not the most petite lady on the planet but I had high hopes for her… yeah. One word: Brick. Girl, I know those hips have more groove in them than that. Not sure she’ll get a second chance to show us.
Hines “The Clear Winner” Ward
My obsessive love for the Steelers aside, Hines Ward rocked it! Who knew there was that level of booty shaking packed in that body? Color me corny, but I was cheering for him like it was the Super Bowl. Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
Thankfully there aren’t enough people reading this blog (yet) for me to get THAT much shit for this but… Petra bugs. Sorry. I know she survived the tsunami in Indonesia but she bugs me. Bugs. There I said it. And her dancing is junk. I expect to be struck by lightning before I finish this post.
Lil’ Romeo’s all growsed up and the kid has some moves. Judges didn’t love him but I think he’s got potential. At the very least, he’s got to do better than his father, Master P, did. Ok, so maybe I’ve seen the show once or twice before. Whatever… my mother made me watch it. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.
Sugar Ray Leonard
I have to admit that when I heard Sugar Ray, I expected to see Mark McGrath on the dance floor. Imagine my surprise (albeit a pleasant one) when I saw the Leonard variety of the Sugar Ray. All my face lift jokes are going to have to wait until I succumb to Celebrity Apprentice, I guess. I thought Sugar Ray looked like he was having a good time but the judges were quick to ruin it with some bad scores.
Ok, someone that has a sex tape really should have some better moves than this. I honestly expected more from her… but then I realized I was watching DWTS and the fact that I had any expectations at all was silly. She makes it to week 2… You heard it here first, folks.
I have to admit. I have a soft spot for Le Macchio. Hines is still my boy but you can’t shout “Do It For Johnny!” when he’s dancing and feel good about it. Then there’s the fact that I spent a good portion of my formative years as a Ralph doppelganger. Yes, I’m a woman. Yes, I’ve always been a woman. Yes, I’ve had some pretty terrible haircuts. Observe…
When you’re done laughing, I’ll let you know that the judges gave my twin the highest score of the night.
I get that he brings a different demographic to the viewership. I still don’t want to watch him dance. But I will give him that he was better than I predicted. That’s it. I’m getting bored…
Some Guy Named Mike From Loveline
Brick. Cute brick. But a brick. I think he’s going home. Bye bye to the only piece of eye candy on this show.
Oh, Kirstie. I want to like you. I want to root for you. You even did a pretty good job of working what you got. But all I can think whilst watching you gyrate in that spandex dress is the classic line from Clairee Belcher in Steel Magnolias: Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket. Yep, lightening strike should be coming any minute.
Bottom Line: Man, that was exhausting. I just don’t think reality TV needs to be 2 hours long. Who has that kind of time… Oh yeah. Me. Carry on.