One Sentence Summary: Brad heads to South Africa with the three remaining ladies for some wild times.
Melissa: South Africa… a land of wonder and beauty… only eclipsed by the sheer tedium of B-man’s pursuit of a wife.
Side bar – Recently added 4th protocol to the Geneva Convention… forcible viewing of the Bachelor is now a breach of said Convention.
Rachel: I have to admit that I’m getting the point of tears at the thought of having to sit through 2 hours of this show. It’s too much. Just too much. I may need something stronger than wine to make it through the finale. Well, at least South Africa got some awesome free press. I’m sold! I’m putting it on my list of places I’d like to see before I die (or before this show bores me to death). Still not sold on Brad…
Brad welcomes us to South Africa and lets us know what both his heads are feeling this week.
Rachel: I really hope the medical staff on this show has a supply of nitroglycerin pills on hand for this guy. I really think he might have a breakdown soon. If only he had something to help him relax… What’s that? It’s Fantasy Suite time? That might be just what the doctor ordered (cue Bow-Chicka-BowWow music). Intimate time! It’s what Brad’s been waiting for… what a surprise.
Love Is Dangerous
Chantal & Brad head off on a Safari and let us know what it takes to prove a relationship is on solid ground… Danger.
Rachel: You know, pretty sure I wouldn’t buy any of this danger metaphor crap anyway but it might be a stronger argument if there wasn’t a dude with a gun on this date with you. Brad isn’t protecting you from diddly. The guide with the rifle is your protector, m’lady. Maybe you ought to invite him to the Fantasy Suite later.
Suite Tree House
The first of the Fantasy Dates is, not shockingly, heartily accepted by Chantal and off they go to a romantic tree house in the middle of the jungle.
Melissa: I love Chris pimping every Bachelor/Bachelorette with “the Fantasy Suite”. Makes me chuckle. Reminds me of the David Lee Roth “Yankee Rose” video: “but Consuelo, I paid two dollars extra for the Fantasy Suite…” – Yeah, that’s right… now you’re all looking for it. Welcome to the tangent journey… “oooh, breath mints… our lips are so close… “
Rachel: Where’s the toilet? No, seriously. Where is it? You don’t get to put the word “fantasy” in front of anything that doesn’t have indoor plumbing. There is nothing “fantasy” about my having to expose this bush in the middle of that bush without so much as a mosquito net around me.
I’m not even going to acknowledge the “air heart” Chantal made…
An Elephant for Emily
Brad & Emily start their date with an elephant ride.
Rachel: I really like Emily. I do. She seems very wise for her 24 years. However, the “dagnabits” and “goodness gracious-es” are starting to grate the nerves. You’re on an elephant, woman! Let loose!
Melissa: Wait, there was an elephant in that scene? I know there was a turquoise ring. I love that turquoise ring. Sorry, shake a shiny object…
A Sleepover For Emily?
Brad lets Emily know that he misses her daughter & respects her as a mother but would still like to invite Emily to a slumber party at his place.
Melissa: Brad misses Ricky (-Bobby – I’m sorry, it just pops in my head, and truly I don’t mean that in an evil way. I love that movie! It really just flows off the tongue.) and fumbles over himself telling Emily. He’s like a teenager on his first date around her. Cute or annoying? Maybe another glass of wine will help me decide. Even if it doesn’t, it’s still wine.
Looks like Brad is 2 for 2 on the Fantasy Suite… at least this one has indoor plumbing… and an L-bomb from Emily.
Ashley’s On the Wings of Love
Ashley & Brad head off on their super-date in South Africa
Rachel: It’s a helicopter. Not a lion. It’s not going to chase you.
But before I can focus on that I have several notes of interest that I need to bring up here… 1. Did someone tell the girls that they had to wear the shortest shorts they own? It seems like it’s not the most practical of clothing choices being that they’re in the middle of the jungle. 2. What happened to Ashley’s eyebrows? Did the on-call wax lady think that Ashely needed to look permanently surprised? 3. Wouldn’t this be the perfect time for a tribal remix of Mr. Osbourne’s “On the Wings of Love”? No, I’m not giving up, dammit.
And yes Brad, South Africa is big and there are lots of animals. How are you not part of their travel ministry?
Things get funky on Brad & Ashley’s date… and not in the good way.
Melissa: Brad asks the “important questions” contemplating whether or not they can mesh their lives… wonder how that will end? My guess would be a plane ticket home and a peck on the cheek. 3 for 3 with the Fantasy Suite – I’d high-five, but I think they just stared at each other the rest of the night.
Rachel: I’ve had root canals that were less painful than that date… There was probably more chemistry at said root canal too. Awkward.
Ashes To Ashley
Brad pulls Ashley aside for a private conversation leaving Chantal & Emily to the mosquitoes.
Melissa: I love that he just left Chantal and Emily just standing there… on the pier… waiting… So, do they have to just stand there, or do the producers offer them a camp chair or something while they wait for him to kick Ashley to the curb? I’m sorry, but if he were all trying to hug and kiss up on my head after dumping me, he’d be limping back to that Rose Ceremony. He’s so needy with those hugs!
Rachel: I guess that Fantasy Suite date didn’t get less awkward. Man, that was painful. Just pull the Band-Aid off quick and let her go! It’s only saving her the embarrassment of not going through the Rose Ceremony if you don’t make her sit through 10 minutes of torture her before dumping her.
The One-Minute Rose Ceremony
No surprises here, clearly. Brad skates through the rose ceremony and denies Chris Harrison his last “this is the final rose” of the season.
Bottom Line: Chantal & Emily are in. Ashley is out. Chris is denied. Next week, “The Ladies Tell All” and BSC is back. Melissa is breathless with anticipation.