One Sentence Summary: The typical self-indulgent plastic surgery victims of the other Housewives continues here with a little Latin flavor thrown in for spice.
Melissa: You know I loves me some housewives… the crazier the better! Instead of the premiere episode deep dive dish let’s just get to know our new housewives… personally I love the debut episode where they all attempt to explain how challenging their lives are… but I digress, first impressions only… the dish starts next week.
Rachel: As with every new Housewives edition, I swear I’m not going to enjoy it and this wasn’t the most exciting intro ever… Pour me a double Cabernet. I’m gonna need it!
Bienvenido a Miami
Leah sums up Miami for us with a few choice words.
Rachel: As a reluctant South Floridian, I concur.
First Up: Leah
Leah was a juror on the William Kennedy Smith trial. Her husband was his lawyer. How fortuitous that she ran into him after he won. Now, she likes to “collect people”.
Melissa: From what I gather, Leah likes two things – a party and her phone.
Larsa, Mrs. Pippen If You’re Nasty
Mrs. Scottie Pippen welcomes us into her life… which seems pretty rough.
Melissa: She is from Chi-town living in Ft. Lauderdale because she wants to have a boat in the back yard… Yeah, who doesn’t? It’s difficult for her to manage her husband and 4 children… and their staff… but she cooks every day!
Rachel: Again, I have to pull the Florida card out here. Ft. Lauderdale is not Miami. It’s not even Miami adjacent. Ah well, I’ll let it slide since she (so far) seems to be the most together one of the bunch. And she’s Lebanese…. and I do like a good labaneh. It’s food, people. Get your heads out of the gutter.
Adrianna, Miss Brazil
Adrianna is to Miami Housewives what Cynthia is to Atlanta… Meet our newest commitment-phobic runaway bride.
Melissa: Caught her husband cheating and now has trust issues, but likes the male eye-candy (who doesn’t?). She also has a rebound fiance. Nice work.
Rachel: She seems smart, successful and like a good mom. Clearly, the powers-that-be over at Bravo! are going to have to play up her fear of commitment because why would we be interested in someone that has it all…This isn’t Sex and The City. I miss the days of Samantha Jones announcing to the streetwalkers in the Meat Packing District that you can have it all. Oh right, this is reality TV. So, it’s, um, real.
Cristy, Miss Brazil
The ex-wife of B-Baller Glen Rice is a proud Cuban.
Rachel: I don’t care if Cuban means “fun” or “flavor” or what… If that’s what 39 looks like in the Cuban culture, sign me up. Shit, if that’s what 29 looks like, sign me up. So what if I need a time machine to see 29 again. If they can live in Fantasy Land, then so can I, dammit.
Look Into My Crystal Ball
Cristy learns there’s a new love in her future. Her sister doesn’t look convinced.
Melissa: She has a psychic… who tells her this will be her year. Wonder how much that chick gets paid to say something I could? Give Cristy my number. Tell her I charge by the wine bottle.
You’re in Miami, Bitch
Larsa, Cristy & Adrianna attend a show at Miami’s Fashion Week
Rachel: Yeah, I’m not sure where Adrianna is hanging out but Miami fashion is more Jersey Shore than Bryant Park. Even the mannequins here have had boob jobs.
Alexia, The Barbie Girl
Let’s meet Alexia. She thinks she’s pretty.
Rachel: Thank you for breaking that down for us. For a second there, I thought you were Barbie. I was so confused until you told me that poor Barbie is only but a doll. But you are close… same eyes, same hair, same IQ…
It All Makes $ense
Alexia continues to enrapture us with her humility by sharing why she & her husband are a perfect pair.
Melissa: She’s married to Herman who looks like he could be her father but claims once you get to know them you understand why it works and how it works… um… he’s your walking ATM? I’m just guessing here.
Rachel: You look a certain way and he looks a different way? I’m ready to smack a bitch. I think we found this season’s Camille. I have a feeling that, while she thinks she’s the Beauty, she really is the Beast.
Marysol, The Spin Doctor
Marysol owns her own Public Relations firm and isn’t afraid to try and use some of that spin doctoring on her friends.
Melissa: Old-school Miami girl, claiming to be anti-plastic surgery. OK sweetie… my lips are sealed on this one because clearly yours might never close with that implant you got going on with your upper lip.
Rachel: Four thoughts… One, I hope we see David again because I love his Tito Puente joke. There have to be a few more awesome one-liners in that guy. Two, I guess Marysol’s definition of plastic surgery runs along the same lines as Bill Clinton’s definition of sexual relations. Three, thank you for not using the word “cougar” while discussing your penchant for younger men. Those of us ‘of a certain age’ appreciate it. And four, am I the only one noticing that her boyfriend is wearing a wedding ring?
Rachel: Sweet Fancy Moses, what is that??????? This is as close as the cameraman got. Can’t say as I blame him. That is just downright frightening. I felt like subjecting you all to video at this point was unfair. You really have to be broken in gently on this one. Trust me.
Well, I guess when Marysol compares her face to her mom’s, it’s not a stretch to think you can pass for au naturel.
Not the most intriguing of introductions. Hopefully, we’ll get some drama kicking sooner than later. The previews are semi-promising.