One Sentence Summary: The date cards arrive and the men go into full drama mode.
Guys, I am handing Des over to you. No worries about me being competition this season. I’m still hoping Emily gives me the final rose in the most shocking episode of the Bachelorette ever.
Rachel: Well kids, it’s time to get down to it and start watching grown men jockey for attention and fight for the affections of a woman they barely know. It’s also time for the lovely producers to start painting a portrait of our bachelorette as the fun-loving, quirky jokester they want/need her to be. C’mon, weren’t we all so taken by her fun-loving ways during Sean’s season? Yeah, well the powers-that-be over at abc are going to try very hard to make us all think we were. Emily fulfilled the American Sweetheart role and gave us all enough sacharine to keep our dentists busy for months. So, we can’t have that again. We need to swing the pendulum and get some edge going. Who out there wants to take a stab at how many “Oh Des, you’re so crazy!” moments are manufactured this season? I’m putting the over/under at 20. I’d take the over if I were you. We might not get out of tonight’s episode with less than a dozen. Clearly, this will be worked into the ol’ drinking game which we should have posted by week’s end. OK, let’s do this thang…
Melissa: Here we are back with Des and her bevy of suitors fighting for her love (yeah, go ahead and insert an eye roll). I’m going to struggle with the whole who’s who, because let’s face it, they’re all pretty interchangeable aren’t they? I mean where’s the diversity? Where’s the complexity of characters? Yeah, I realize what I’m watching, but a girl can dream right?? Personally, I’m playing a little game called “Who’s The Next Bachelor” in this whole mess. Let’s face it, we know the producers are just going to skim from this selection to add to their franchise – especially since the Bachelor Pad is no longer an option, which I’m not happy about BTW.
First First Date
I now pronounce you Yuck and Hairy.
Rachel: The gentlemen move into their new house and get a special welcome visit from Chris. He’s there to explain how this works. Does anyone not know how it works at this point? But that’s besides the point. Someone’s about to get anointed as the bachelor that got the first first date card. What an honor… And that honor goes to… Brooks and his terrible hair! Seriously, does he go to the same barber as Ben Flapjack?
Brooks rushes off to get ready, while Des shares deep thoughts and more bridal sketches in her Malibu hideaway. Sorry to the 4 straight guys watching this. We got Sean’s abs. You get Des’s pretty sketches.
Des picks up her date and off they go to a bridal boutique as one of the bitter bachelors eating their dust hurtles a football at the Bentley. Um, I’m pretty sure you aren’t getting paid enough for this little stint to fix the paint job on a $200K car. And if you can afford it, WTF are you doing on this show? I’m sure Patty Stanger has room for you on Millionaire Matchmaker.
At the bridal boutique, we get to have fun with wedding dresses and tuxes. I’m sorry, but on Planet Earth, most men would have a coronary and break out into a cold sweat if they even drove past a bridal salon on a first date. But not Brooks, he’s in it to win and for all he knows this is just a preview of what’s to come. So he’s more than happy to try on tuxes and indulge Des in her parade of bridal dresses. I think I might end up with a detached retina from all the eye rolling going on right now. But this is Des’s world and he’s ready to share it with her.
After a fun-filled day of playing dress up, the two lovebirds head out for a wedding cake. They stop at a food truck that sells sweets, and much to my confusion, a crowd forms around them with a couple of the girls screaming like their Justin Bieber poster came to life. Uh, it’s Des. After some photos for the fans, they drive to the Hollywood sign for a picnic and a chance to sit on the actual sign. (BTW, she fully hiked to the sign in a wedding dress.) Um, I think it’s unfair that they get to sit there. I never got to sit there. And yes, that’s the only reason it’s unfair. So, time to get deep. Not me. Them. Brooks had his heart broken pretty good not so long ago. But, the good news here, it that he is willing to get his heart broken again if that means he can find love. Gee, someone willing to love again after a break-up? That never happens! This guy has moxie! Oh wait, seems this sad clown routine has legs… and lips. We have our first kiss, folks!
Melissa: Brooks gets the first date – do you think that’s his real name? Brooks Forester sounds terribly soap star to me. Yeah, he’s pumped for his date with Des – again, where the hell were these excessively enthusiastic about going on a date men when I was out in the market?
At least all the boys can get the opportunity to witness the drop-top Bentley as Des and Brooks motor off. Hang on now, what type of jackass throws a football at a moving car? No, I’m sorry, a 200-300K moving car. You bust a taillight and abc owns your ass… I hate stupid people.
At least Brooks is taking the realistic approach that this could be the first date with his future wife. I wonder if that’s the approach he takes with all of his dates? OK, I’m totally digging the Lucky Charms tux!! That’s my favorite look so far. Hang on though, isn’t it bad luck to try on wedding dresses when you aren’t engaged to be married? You might as well just go home now Brooks. That’s just smearing bad ju-ju all over your relationship. What’s with this crowd’s reaction to Des? She’s not Mother Teresa!!
OK, first official drinking rule of Des’s season right here folks: Any reference to being in a fairytale or being a Princess (Cinderella, Jasmine, Tiana or any other Disney Princess) – one drink… OK, maybe a sip as I think that’s going to be this season’s theme… Princess-y-ness.
I digress, a picnic on the Hollywood sign would be pretty cool, and I kind of want those pillows. So Brooks is willing to have his heart broken again and again for the ultimate goal of love? Man, he’s either a complete sap or the best playa out there. Hey now, is that the first official kiss of this season? I wonder if there are stats on the first kiss in the Bachelor(ette). THAT’S WHAT WE NEED! We need stats: first kiss, first challenge winner(s), first out of the limo, last out of the limo… I NEED PERCENTAGES PEOPLE!!
By illegally moving these road blocks, you are proving that you’re here for me.
Rachel: Time for dinner. Well, that is if they find it. Where in the Hell-A are they? She says they’re lost as she comes to a closed road. Des moves the barriers and goes through the closed road… which isn’t really a closed road because that Des is such a kidder! It’s special dinner on a bridge for the two of them! Yep, there’s the first one of the night. Everyone drink! Granted, it is a pretty fab date. Time for dinner also means time for family talk. He’s not ready to discuss his parents’ divorce. How long has it been? 15 years? Come on, now. Brooks didn’t talk to dad for 6 years. So he & dad fought it out which shaped who he is. blah blah…. For the love of all that is holy, can’t we talk about travel or football or some subject other than families? I’d put a hidden camera in a shrink’s office if I wanted to hear all this. But that’s just me because Des loved their date. He was so vulnerable and open so he gets the rose.
And as if today wasn’t exciting enough… there’s a concert! With Andy Grammer! I have no idea who he is! Man, I wish they’d stop dancing. Oh wait, go back to dancing! Stop the kissing! Dance dance!
Melissa: Really, what kind of janky Bentley doesn’t have GPS?? No wait, I’m calling shenanigans. This is a set up. Didn’t they pull this schtick… I mean dinner on Bachelor Pad? I’m going to call that it’s the same exact location what’s-her-name had with what’s-his-face. Can we write in and ask these people to eat? It makes me so angry to think of the starving families and there they sit with untouched plates – unless they’re horking bites between takes.
Brooks scores a rose, and admits being a nervous smiler – Oh that’s going to be fun. Hmm, some band I don’t know of, but I think I recognize this song. I also recognize Brooks shouldn’t do more than slow dance.
Reasons Rhymes With Seasons… Let’s Rap!
The camera catches Brandon’s best angle.
Rachel: Next date card has arrived and it’s a group date… Natch. Who are the lucky boys going on the outing… Dan, Juan Pablo, Zack K, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W, Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben and #Kasey. Yes, #Kasey is officially wearing a hashtag this season to indicate my full annoyance with him. And I have to admit that I have no recollection of Brian, Michael or James. Oh well…
The boys head out for their group date with goofy Des! Today, they’re going to be starring in their own rap video. Drink. How did they con Soulja Boy into showing up for this? The boys have to rap today to impress Des. And apparently there was a sale on v-necks at the Gap before the show. Seriously, are they all being given dress codes now? You know Mikey would have shown up in an Affliction t-shirt otherwise. The guys are getting assigned their parts and each is playing the role of a past bachelor. That’s pretty funny, I have to admit. A tip o’ the hat producers. A tip o’ the hat. Oh look, another knight in shining armor. How mad is the dude that got sent home right now? I love that Brandon is half naked wearing a tiny top and what amounts to a flesh-colored Speedo. But he’s owning it and going with the flow. Yep, fully crushing on Brandon… and his junk. The guys do their do and have a laugh about it with everyone except Ben. The boys don’t think he’s there “for the right reasons” and is rubbing everyone the wrong way. There’s always one. Though I’m going to say this is more jealousy than actually him being a dick… though he’s not exactly Mr. Charming.
Melissa: So, Chris the Mortgage Broker tells us he came here for time with Des but hasn’t gotten a date card yet. Um, how many have been passed out at this point? Did we shoot 5 weeks into the future while I wasn’t looking? How many men are there? You’re a mortgage broker, sweetie. One would think you have a sense of numbers and realize the percentages aren’t in your favor.
Oh it’s the dreaded group date!! Hopefully poor Chris gets a shot at the group date. Oh boy… big old whum-whum-whaaaa for you, Chris. Looks like you’ll have to wait just a bit longer.
Wait, the guys are all high-fives for a rap video?? These are the whitest men I’ve seen in a long time (and I belong to a golf club). At least Soulja Boy is there to help – I’m wondering if he’s trying to figure out how he ended up on the Bachelorette or if he just fell on some hard times. Thanks Mikey for your observation. I’m pretty sure Soulja Boy can’t believe he’s making a video with this crew either. Sweet Mary they’re all rapping now to prove their skills?! Yeah, I’m thinking that whole group should be back up… statues.
Lol, I love Brandon just working the wardrobe. Wait a minute, back up the bus!! These men are able to work out which former Bachelors these “raps” are about?? Are you kidding me? OK, blanket stroke for all of you right now – that’s too much knowledge of past Bachelorette episodes. I can’t even focus now thinking there are this many men who actively watch the Bachelorette and not just walk out of the room when it’s on. Hell, my hubs will even do dishes to avoid watching. Poor Brandon, not only is his ass out into the world but to have to flap his junk?
So wait, they spent the day at a winery and they’re not even drinking wine?? How uncool is that? I don’t even know how to start processing that.
Oh, I can’t wait to write about all the other men I’m dating in this awesome journal!
Rachel: It’s time for the cocktail party and Zak gets the first one-on-one time. He wants to show Des that he’s more than a shirtless buffoon. Awesome word, btw. He went shopping at an antique store and found a journal that’s never been written in with an inscription from a father to a daughter. Clutch gift. Smooth move, Zak. Even smoother than that chest of yours. I think you may have saved yourself from an early elimination.
The boys start the jockeying for time and Ben cuts in on Mikey during his deep meaningful family talk with Des. This certainly doesn’t help him win any favor in the house. While Mikey wanders off to plot Ben’s demise with the other guys, Ben plays the kid card and gets closer to Des. Close enough for some spit swapping. Brandon catches this from a birds-eye view and it upsets him because he has strong feelings for her. You might want to tighten those reins a bit there, B. You’ve been there a minute. I’m starting to rescind that crush status I had assigned to you. Oh, I like this Mike guy too who is now telling tales of his family. And I love that he calls his grandma “Nana”. He says he has Des’s back and he will stand up for her. Always. Yeah, sure.
Mikey confronts Ben about him swooping in on him on Des. He feels like Ben’s a politician; he’s only nice when the cameras are on. Ben doesn’t want tension and apologizes-ish. He’s not worried though. He’s there for the right reasons and he distracts Mikey with shoe compliments. Squirrel!
Brandon’s turn to woo Des with tales of his lack of funds, lacks of higher learning and his shitty family life. Way to start out on a high note. But he raised his sister and now he can’t wait to have kids and live a great life. I think he’s such a sweet guy but desperation is a stinky cologne. Yeah, I said it. This one’s gonna cry. A lot. Unfortunately though, sappy stories & antique journals can only get you so far… It’s the lip that gets the rose. Chalk up another point for Ben. Sleep with one eye open tonight, dude.
Melissa: At least Zak W. can laugh about his shirtless antics. OK, that douchebaggery gets a wink and a nod at this point. Plus, any guy with presents – and such a sentimental one at that – is kind of awesome. My namesake makes a triumphant comeback!! That deserves a rose right there.
Here we go!! Ben is rubbing all the boys the wrong way so of course he’s not here for the right reasons… Which ta-da should be our second drinking rule: “not here for the right reasons” or “here for the wrong reasons” means drink time everyone!!
Ben’s turn is filled with talk of his son, and again my soapbox just wants to roll on over to ask who leaves their kid at home to go on reality television? Seriously folks. Hey, gotta give the boy props for going in for a kiss, much to Brandon’s heartbreak. Take it down a notch sweetie, you’ve known her for how many hours at this point?
So Mikey is going to air things out with Ben. Really? It’s what, the second night?! UGH, you’re an ass, why do you even give a shit how he treats you? He’s not trying to date you… or is that the issue? Hmmm…
BTW, I’m smelling potential stalker with Brandon. Oh, that’s right… I forgot he had the drug addict mom and raised his siblings. See, now she says she appreciates his approach and how things could be with him, but that body language isn’t making me feel it. Plus, no smooches for him.
Beaches, Brie & Bryden
Look at me! I’m the most fun bachelorette ever!
Bryden gets the final boys date leaving Robert, Brad & Chris as the odd men out this week. I think. I can’t tell anyone apart yet. They’re all just a series of tight shirts and gelled hair still. Seriously, were all these guys sent to the same store before they left?
Anywho, off Des & Bryden go on a road trip. They’re definitely getting their money’s worth out of that Bentley. Des says she loves road trips because her family couldn’t afford to fly. Another drinking rule… Every time we hear about her parents’ struggles and how it made her who she is today, drink. Apparently all you need for a road trip is a car, some gas and great company. Thanks for that, Des. I had no idea about the car part. It was a bit awkward walking around with a buddy & a giant canister of gas.
The first stop is the beach for some frolicking and kite flying. Next up, lunch. Aw man, I loves me some Neptune’s Net. Good spot and a total biker bar, which naturally we don’t get to see. Next, they drive up to Orange Grove which is… an orange grove. They goof around some more and have a picnic. Final stop of the road trip with a car, Ojai. Des is having a great day, but personally I’d have to kick Bryden to the curb for not knowing what brie is. Look, I know they’re not serving up brie in the mess hall, but who doesn’t at least know what brie is? Yeah, that’s grounds for dismissal for sure. Though he wouldn’t have made it this far with that hair in the first place.
Melissa: Bryden gets the road trip! You all know how much I loves me a soldier! I just might start a petition to abc to make him the next Bachelor. I don’t care if he’s a total stick in the mud. He served in Iraq!
I would love it if one of these folks would just tear up the driveway in their fancy car like a bat out of hell and come to a screeching stop in front of the house. Wow, this really is a road trip – you would think they would at least give her a ponytail holder so she doesn’t have to keep grabbing at her hair. Whatever happened to hands on 10 and 2? Seems like they are creating safety issues for our friends.
I’m so excited to be here. And it’s not just the bubbles, though they are delightful.
Rachel: Time for dinner. I love the settings tonight. I’m a big fan of hanging lights. Thumbs up, set designers. Des tells Bryden she’s had such a good time today and hasn’t laughed that hard in a long time. Oh yes, kite flying on the beach is a hoot! Quirky fun girl! Drink!
But on an actual serious not, Bryden tells Des he was in a bad accident while working construction. He was badly hurt and burned. We see pictures of him in the hospital (where has he been keeping those all day?), and damn, that is no joke. Maybe that knocked his cheese memory from his head. OK, I’m feeling a little warmer towards Bryden. I still hate the hair though. But it’s all kinds of working for Des. Now, he just has to answer questions about his interest in future relationships and that rose is his. He says the military was his scapegoat from relationships, but now he’s ready. Um btw, it’s your escape, not your scapegoat. Must have really hit your head hard. And he gets the rose. And some hot tub action. With lip. That she demands from him. I’m pretty sure this year’s Fantasy Suite dates will be a lot more “if the room’s a-rockin, don’t come knockin’” that it was with our last two occupants. If only Jonathan had had a little more patience…
Melissa: Wow, off to an Inn, huh? Suuuure it’s just for dinner – wink-wink, nudge-nudge. So here’s a question, do they arrive to a wardrobe room to pick what they want to wear, or is it laid out for them like they’re in grade school? Hang on now, he was in a fiery car accident too? Aw, love him! I’m gonna say it again, if my boy doesn’t make it, he should be a serious contender for the next Bachelor. So cute, plus I can’t hate on him shirtless – just sayin. Day-um, girlfriend called him out to just kiss her already. I like you Des!! I’m a believer a guy should be the first to go in, but good on you girl for taking matters in your own hands… literally.
Ben Vs. The House
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the laughter in my head. But please go on about how I’m not being nice to you while I smile through the remnants of Des’s lipstick still on my lips.
Rachel: Cocktail time for the boys and time to do some last-minute impressing. Poor Will, he’s so not making it past this week. He got the obligatory week 1 rose, but that’s pretty much it. Mike wants to let Des know that he has Type 1 Diabetes. This is important for her to know. Sweet Mary, these guys make their stories so dramatic. You could totally just say you have diabetes, instead of the 5-minute version rife with moments of fear for your family. And before he can even finish, Ben swoops in and steals Des. See, cut to the chase. Neither Mikey nor Mike (really?) are down with the “swoopin’ in”. But here’s the thing boys, while you’re all bitching about it, Ben’s getting some mack time. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Yeah, it’s cliche, but it still works.
And as if there wasn’t enough conversation inside about the fucking swoop, Michael takes Ben outside with back-up to chastise Ben some more. Ben actually says he’s there for Des, but no one wants to hear it. So the conversation goes and goes and now I’m nodding off into my wine. Mikey, dude, take a breath. I think you’re probably right that he’s shady, but worry about your own shit.
Anyway some guys whose name I don’t know yet spends some time getting serious with Des about his past relationship. Oh, it’s Brian, who I think is actually James just in a different suit. I’m fully straight zoning out now. All I know about this whole situation is that Des’s dress looks like a reject from a Dancing With The Stars mermaid routine. Bad. Bad. Bad.
Melissa: So Michael G has Type 1 Diabetes? That’s kinda huge. Too bad c-block Ben is there to snag him away mid-story. You know, if I were Des, I would send Ben off. That’s some serious stuff and it seems a bit rude, but who knows, maybe that scores Michael a fast rose. Yeah, I’m thinking sneaking Des off from the men won’t score you points in the house my friend. I love that he thinks his secret knowledge of Des is how good of a kisser she is. Oh you silly, silly man! She practically begged Bryden to get all up in there. OK, I hate to start siding with the men so soon, but Ben seems to be taking the exit to smarmy town. Not for his coup, but his attitude in general and that smile is grating on my nerves a bit. I will say though I love this man-drama snarkiness. Come on, you all have your own agendas, and honestly I give you a side-eye look if you say it’s for love.
Let’s add “luckiest girl” to the drinking game rules, shall we?
Brian wants to get “more serious” with her, but I can’t help but be seriously distracted by his forehead for some reason. Is he really going to sit there musing about this past relationship?
Hey, why haven’t we seen Juan Pablo at all?? Mama needs a little accent happening.
Wait, what show is this again?
Rachel: Chris welcomes the guys to another rose ceremony. He says it’s week 2 and there’s already drama in the house. But he takes that as a good sign because that means they’re taking Des seriously. Or it means those of us that can’t stop watching the train wreck will keep watching since Des isn’t really dynamic enough to carry the show. And the winners and losers of week 2 are….
Has a rose: Brooks, Ben & Bryden
Gets a rose: James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Brian, Zak W, Drew, Mikey, Zack K, Michael, Brandon
Going home: Will, Robert & Nick M.
It’s seriously embarrassing for this show to keep throwing a token man or woman of color into the mix just to watch them go home week 2. You know, as if that gratuitous rose in week 1 was enough to not make it humiliating. Shame producers, shame.
Actually this rap video is more humiliating…
Melissa: Is it just me or are some of these faces completely foreign?? I mean I know it’s only the second ceremony, but I did’t see half of these guys tonight. There’s my boy, Juan Pablo, as she tries to lure him in with some Spanish of her own. Nice!
So Will is out which kinda sucks. I liked him. Poor Robert is out too, but I didn’t see him having long haul status. I don’t know how Nick M is heartbroken and stunned. Let’s face it, it’s the second rose ceremony. You can’t be that invested.
Sweet Mary, that video is awful!! I might have to download a Soulja Boy song because clearly he needs the money…
Rachel: I’m actually kinda pissed about Will to be honest. Every single season, the token person of color they’re throwing into the mix gets a lovely little profile on the first week as if that’s going to prove something to us viewers. They get a courtesy rose week 1 and then it’s peace out. Other than Sean, who actually went through the motions of an actual date, does anyone get airtime beyond that? I don’t think so. So stop playing us and just own what’s really going on. It’d be less embarrassing for all of us. Idiots.
Melissa: Heehee, methinks the man-drama is going to be awesome this season! PLUS, who doesn’t love a scorned ex.