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Two Winey Bitches Reality Awards – 2012

Posted on December 31, 2012 by | 12 Comments

The Reality of 2012 According To Two Winey Bitches

Once again, we can’t let 2012 sneak off in a walk of (reality) shame without our usual shout-outs to those that made our year worthy and cringe-worthy.  2012 was a great year for the blog and we hope you’ve enjoyed our take on reality.  Thankfully, the Mayans were wrong and we’re all still here to review the year and look forward to a 2013 filed with wine and bitchiness.  Now, for the awards…

Favorite Reality Star of the Year:  Reza Farahan – Shahs of Sunset

The awesomeness that is Reza

The awesomeness that is Reza

We all know this is Rachel’s pick seeing as how she hasn’t stopped gushing about her new reality BFF, Reza.  But seriously, what’s not to love?  First, it’s not easy to be openly gay in general, let alone in the Persian community, so for Reza to step out in front of the cameras as a role model for gay teens who are struggling is brave.  Second, gay or not, he’s just hilarious.  The pearls that come out of his mouth have us laughing week after week.  And then… there’s the ‘stache.  You have to love a guy who’s not afraid to rock a Village People “Macho Man” mustache.  It’s just all part of the awesomeness that makes Reza our favorite reality star of the year.

WORST Person in the World (of Reality):  Courtney Robertson – The Bachelor

What do you mean I'm annoying?

What do you mean I’m annoying?

Let’s be honest, the weird lip pursing would be enough to make Courtney Robertson unlikeable on its own.  But that wasn’t enough for her.  No, she had to add bitchiness, arrogance and baby talk to the menu as well so that every time her face popped up on our TVs, a collective groan was uttered and more wine was poured.  OK fine, the wine was going to be poured regardless.  Anyway, we knew the journey was going to be painful based on Ben Flapjack alone, but throwing in Courtney and then letting her win was just salt in the wound.  Granted, Ben finally did catch on to the ugly that is Courtney, but not before torturing us through the entire season and a pouty After The Final Rose where she played the little victim.   More like vixen.

  • Honorable Mention:  Kalon McMahon – The Bachelor - If Courtney was the poster child for evil incarnate on the Bachelorette,
    Enter the villain.

    Enter the villain.

    then her evil twin on the Bachelor has to be Kalon McMahon.  His arrival in a helicopter didn’t exactly warm him up to the other men in the house, and his subsequent digs about Emily’s kid didn’t warm him up to us.  However, his presence did give us one of the most epic dismissals in Bachelor history.  So, for that alone, he only gets runner up status.

Best New Reality Cast 2012:  Hollywood Exes

Welcome to the exes

Welcome to the exes

These ladies didn’t get as much love in the press as some other “housewives”, but we really dug hanging out with the girls… for the most part.  Yes, they had their drama, but they were the only cast that seemed interested in actually resolving drama.  There was a glass thrown and some nasty jabs hurled, but all in all, it was a pleasure watching these ladies.  And of course, we can’t talk about the Exes without giving a little shout-out to our favorite girl, Drea.  From her Wig-Out Party to “you better check your email”, she was an endless fountain of good times.  Hurry back!  We could use a little Drea in our world.

Least Memorable Reality Cast 2012: The Real Housewives of Miami

RHOM - Snoozen Two

RHOM – Snoozen Two

Really Bravo, help some bitches out and know when to say when.  While you mixed up the cast a bit… Add a model, a lawyer, a dentist and an actual housewife, but it’s the same sad story.  There was potential with an unhinged supermodel and a philandering telenovela star, but we still just didn’t feel the love.  See, generally, there’s at least one Housewife that we can somewhat identify with or just laugh with, but not here.  No, we can’t get down with these chicks. Sorry.

Biggest “Fame Aneurism”:  Kim Zolciak – Real Housewives of Atlanta, Don’t Be Tardy For the Wedding

The precise moment fame went to Kim's head.

The precise moment fame went to Kim’s head.

The Chinese need to update the calendars, 2012 was not the year of the dragon, but the Year of the Kim.  You know, because everything and anything should be all about her – or just hers.  Kim’s “fame” clearly went to her head this year.  Sadly, our usual yearly Kim detox was interrupted by “Tardy For The Wedding”, where we were tortured with Kim setting-up every scene by telling KJ a “remember when” fairytale, her kicking her mother out of her wedding and all the other drama that is Kim’s life.  We can’t say we were sad to see her storm out of the Real Housewives luncheon and out of our lives forever.  That being said, it’s only fair to give her another award…

Thing We Most Never Want To See/Hear Again: – Kim Zolciak – With Kim’s departure, we no longer have to sit bracing ourselves for her screeching “Sweeeetieeee”, the uncouth sex talk between her and Kroy or the word of the day plastered across her ass.  No really, the Winey Bitches both did a little celebration dance as she cursed her way off our small screens with the threats of legal action.  Please let that riding off in the Rover be the last we see or hear of this particular Housewife.

Best Recovery From A Fame Aneurysm (So Far) - NeNe Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta 

A kinder gentler NeNe

A kinder gentler NeNe

Now, we’re being cautiously optimistic here, but it really seems like the “I’m Rich, Bitch” NeNe of days of yore has been replaced by “It’s All Good” NeNe and we’re liking it.  This is why we fell in love with her in the first place and what we missed so much after she was hit with the fame aneurysm.  We blame her proximity to Donald Trump for that.  But if it takes starring roles on two TV shows to bring our NeNe back to earth, well then we say cast away.  We think Gregg probably agrees.

Best Reality Moment We Never Saw Coming:  Nick Peterson  Wins – Bachelor Pad Season 3

Bam! I win... ALL of it.

Bam! I win… ALL of it.

In a move that was jaw-dropping GENIUS, we saw actual reality slap our “Reality Stars” in the face, when Nick pulled his brilliant take-the-money-and-screw-you move on the Season 3 finale of Bachelor Pad.  Everyone was so wrapped up in their self-serving drama that they didn’t bother to pay attention to that Nick guy who just floated around the background.  And yet, there he was on the stage winning one for the quiet guy.  It was worth every painful minute of what was Bachelor Pad 3 to have witnessed that gem.  Nick, you forever have a place in our Bitchy hearts.

  • Honorable Mention:  William Levy In Dance Pants – Dancing with the Stars Season 14 - Who knew men’s dance pants could look
    The never before seen mechanic dance number

    The never before seen mechanic dance number

    soooo good?  No really, it takes a lot to make those things look sexy… Think Michael Flatley.  Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about.  Well, we learned with the 14th season of DWTS that Mr. William Levy has A LOT to offer in the filling things out category.  Add to that his Latin swagger and the Winey Bitches are ready with our remotes to pause and rewind like we’re looking for the second shooter on the grassy knoll.  We would also be remiss not to give a shout out to his partner Cheryl Burke for her fantastic wardrobe choices.  Way to work to your strengths and leverage his assets.  

Jump The Shark Season:  Real Housewives of New Jersey

I'll snack on your soul if you don't give me my own show

I’ll snack on your soul if you don’t give me my own show

We’re not really sure if Teresa managed to single-handedly destroy a show, or her brother’s Tarzan references became too much for us to take, or maybe it was  Joe Guidice calling his wife a C-bomb while talking dirty his girlfriend – er, rather a business partner – that killed it for us but even our love for all thing Caroline couldn’t save this season.  It was just exhaustingly mean-spirited with almost zero redeeming moments.  In short, it sucked.  Straight-up sucked.  Sorry, we don’t really enjoy an entire season of Joe Gorga telling us how crazy his sister is.  Tell us something we don’t know, Joe.

Least Compelling Cast Addition:  Yolanda Foster – Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Neither McKayla nor Yolanda are amused.

Neither McKayla nor Yolanda are amused.

While we love a woman who just works out every day and plucks petals from her garden for her dinner parties (um, not), Yolanda just hasn’t brought any real excitement to the Hills.  We had to look for the funny with this one and drag poor McKayla into the mix just to give ourselves something to chuckle about.  I mean would it have killed her to give us at least one juicy Behind-The-Music-esque story?  There needs to be a little something to hook these Winey Bitches.  So while we really want to like you, Yolanda, right now you’re just extra typing for our tired hands…. though that is a most impressive veggie fridge.

Most Awkward Moment in Reality:  Doug Clerget and Emily Maynard’s First (And Final) Kiss – The Bachelorette

Here's the thing... I need you to leave.

Oh Dear, this is awkward… Thanks for the kiss, but I need you to leave.

Oh man, I don’t remember a more awkward kiss outside of a middle school dance.  Poor Doug finally grew a pair and went in for his long overdue smooch just as Ems was trying to find the right words to kick him to the curb.  It was with that pathetic dismissal that a giant wamp-wamp rose up, echoed through the alleys of Prague and reverberated around the rest of the world.  We were fans of Doug and were sad to see him go, but it is the Bachelorette and at this stage she’s expecting to get to second base, not to just be stepping up to the plate.  However, we do still love Doug and love that he is actually doing some good in this crazy world, so we’re sharing a link to his charity, Dollar Per Month.  It’s a great way to make a little donation go a long way.  Check it out…. after you’re finished reading this post, of course.

  • it's the stripper version of the awkward kiss

    It’s the stripper version of the awkward kiss

    Honorable Mention:  Jamie Otis & Ben Flajnik’s Almost First Kiss- The Bachelor - Jamie Otis’s attempt at a lap dance/kiss with Ben Flapjack only succeeded in making viewers cringe in discomfort.  We all collectively began yelling at our screens for her to “For the love of all things great and small please stop!!”.  Sadly she did not, and we all learned the valuable lesson that a lap dance does not, in fact, save a date.  Oh, if only they would bring back those PSAs and avoid the same embarrassment for other girls across America.

Best Reality Couple:  Heidi Dillon and Pam Martin – Big Rich Texas

Memories... light the corners of my mind...

Memories… light the corners of my mind…

 

While not a couple per se, these two ladies are the best duo reality TV had going.  We’re sad they decided their day-to-day lives were more relevant and opted out.  Many nights we waited patiently, but none too quietly, hoping one of the ladies would finally make a surprise appearance, but sadly no.  We’ll try our best to fill the void with champagne, tiaras and sass… We miss you ladies!!

Worst Reality Couple: Slade Smiley & Gretchen Rossi, Real Housewives of Orange County 

How have you not dumped me yet?

How have you not dumped me yet?

We’re sure there are plenty of viable arguments as to why another couple should be winning this award, but this is our blog so we make the final decision.  And this final decision is based on the fact that we just can’t stand Slade.  Period.  His foray into stand-up comedy in lieu of an actual paying job certainly didn’t do much to bolster our opinion either.  Add to the fact that it didn’t really seem like Gretchen was his biggest fan this past season either, we can’t wrap our brains around why these two are still together.  And why we have to, therefore, be subjected to the torture.

Best Facial Overhaul:  Lea Black – Real Housewives of Miami

What surgery?

What surgery?

So, Ms. Black claims no work has been done on her face since a neck tuck years ago and yet came back in Season 2 looking rather “refreshed” since we last saw her.  So, either she’s lying about having work done or she sold her soul for the porcelain skin of a 12-year-old… You be the judge

Most Misdiagnosed Women’s Health Issue:   Kalyn’s Stress UTI – Big Rich Texas

Leslie's so dumb that I bet I can feed her some made-up story about my illness and score a sweater out of the deal.

Leslie’s so dumb that I bet I can feed her some made-up story about my illness and score a sweater out of the deal.

We’re still scratching our heads over how anyone bought Kalyn’s story about getting a UTI from the stress Whitney’s been causing her.  I mean we are talking about Leslie, but still, that was just straight-up nonsense.  Well, I guess when you’re good at shoveling shit…

Worst Cover-up in Housewives History:  Luann De Lesseps – Real Housewives of New York

Remember last night when you didn't come home with me?

Remember last night when you didn’t come home with me?

Unfortunately, we wish we were talking about Kenya’s “Gone With The Wind Fabulous” cover-up or Phaedra’s “Barely There Fishnet Donkey-Booty-Flaunting” would-be cover-up.  Even Nixon’s attempt at a coverup was better than our favorite ex-Countess LuAnn’s “nothing to see over here but a group of Italians” cover up of her little something-something in St. Barths with Tomas, aka: The Poor Man’s Johnny Depp.  Not only was the story ridiculous, but thinking that speaking in French was going to throw off the folks at Bravo really put the nail in your “you’re not really that dumb, are you?” coffin.  I wouldn’t recommend a career as a secret agent.   Maybe it’s best you stick to your awesome one-liners and spare us your attempted subterfuge.

Most Upsetting Behavior By An Octogenarian:  George Teichner (Father of Aviva Drescher), Real Housewives of New York

I call this my little motor boat.

I call this my little motor boat.

We haven’t had this many cringe-worthy moments since we met Joe Gorga.  Then we realized George is Joe in 40-ish years.  But seriously, is there anything less attractive than a pervy old man hitting on young girls by waving around his money and his viagra?  Or more cliche for that matter?  We mean if Sonja “I’m So Horny & Lonely That I’ll Take LuAnn’s Sloppy Seconds” Morgan won’t even consider the offer, you’re a special kind of slimy.  Every time this guy was on camera, we were afraid of what would come out of his mouth, including his tongue.  Not to mention the permanent mental scars we now have thanks to Granpappy Perv’s game of “That’s Not A Roll of Quarters In My Pants” that we had to witness.  Ugh, just typing the words makes us queasy.  Let’s just hope Aviva is smart enough to keep George and his little blue pills tucked far away next season.

Worst Retool Of A Show - America’s Next Top Model

The new guard - Tyra, Kelly, Rob & Johnny.

The new guard – Tyra, Kelly, Rob & Johnny.

Let’s be honest, firing The Jays and Nigel wasn’t going to please many longtime fans of the show, but The CW was more interested in bringing back the hordes of fans that had gotten tired of Tyra’s many personalities and lame tie-ins to her Modelland book.  And while we won’t say that Rob, Kelly & Johnny didn’t do a good job on their own merits, the whole show was so convoluted between the social networking, the girl coming back, the college scholarships and moving it to Friday nights, we spent most of the season trying to figure out what was going on…. or not bothering at all seeing as how it was the lowest rated season in the show’s history.  Look, we just want pretty faces, in pretty clothes, taking pretty pictures.  Leave the user-generated commentary on YouTube – or this blog – where it belongs.  Seriously, all this nonsense is just fuel for Naomi Campbell, whose new modeling show with Nigel Barker should be called “There’s A New Bitch In Charge, Tyra, And Her Name I Naomi.”  But I guess “The Face” fits better on a t-shirt.

Biggest Example Of Why Tragically Hip Just Means Tragic: Chantal Chadwick – Gallery Girls

This is my sexy intellectual look. I practice in the mirror all the time.

This is my sexy intellectual look. I practice in the mirror all the time.

Here’s the thing, when your raging against the machine becomes as cliche as the actual machine, you might want to change things up.  Gallery Girl’s Chantal Chadwick danced onto our TVs this year as the poster child for what happens when the tragically hip drink far too much of their own Kool-Aid… Oh sorry, they’d never drink that… of their organic wheatgrass shot with a vodka chaser.  She spent the season being more concerned about her pinot noir being French than she did worrying about her electric bill being paid at her place of business, because actual hard work is so not her style.  Being blase, however, is.  It was all we could do to not fly to New York just to shake some sense into her, but then we realized that investing that kind of energy, money & time into her is so not our style.  Being winos, however, is.

Bottom Line:  Well, we could go on and on and on here with the awards, but honestly, we’d rather hear from you.  What award would you give out this year?  Let us know!  We really want to hear your thoughts.  Thanks again for a great 2012.  Please be safe out there and we’ll see you next year!

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Posted in America's Next Top Model, Bachelor Pad, Big Rich Texas, Dancing With The Stars, Don't be Tardy for the Wedding, Gallery Girls, Hollywood Exes, Housewives, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Miami, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Real Housewives of New York, Real Housewives of Orange County, Shahs Of Sunset, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette

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Dancing With The Stars 14 – The Finale

Posted on May 23, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s the last dance, last chance, tonight.

Oh yeah, I’ve still got it. Hot, burning, sexy, unstoppable heat right here.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Down to the final three and yes we were conspicuously absent last week.  That’s all on me.  Sometimes life gets in the way and I just wasn’t able to get you our thoughts in time for tonight’s show.  I apologize, but I trust that you all survived the week without our witty banter.   Anywho, it all comes down to tonight’s & tomorrow night’s dances. It’s a really close race and week after week the contestants have brought their A-games.  Can’t wait to see what they’ve got in store for us tonight.

Melissa:  Oh boy… I’m not going to be happy regardless.  I can’t imagine any of these folks losing the mirror ball.  Maybe it’s just my detox shakes (long weekend with my Winey Bitch), but I’m all jittery with excitement to see what these couples have in store for us tonight.  I can hardly wait!!

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Raise Your Glass” by Pink

Rachel’s What Happened:  The first dance tonight is picked by the judges.  Cheryl tells William that a judge will be coming to tell them what dance they will be doing.  William guesses it will be Bruno stopping by, and of course, it is.  There’s no doubt he wouldn’t have let anyone else deliver the news.  Any chance to be close to William… Can’t blame him.  They will be doing the Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says his hip action is sex on legs, but the other two finalists are just as talented.  Yeah, that boy really can work those hips.  He rocks the Cha Cha with no problems.  He was born for this.  Len says loud & proud!  That was as good as he’s ever seen in 14 seasons of Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says that was an intoxicating Cuban cocktail of natural flowing moves.  His hip action leaves him green with envy.  Carrie Ann says the magic is still there and so is the sophistication.  He has grown miles.

Melissa:  Yes, you know Bruno was all-in to help William with his Cha Cha this week… Naughty Boy Bruno.  Oh, I’m liking this cha-cha.  I’ll say it again, William is just meant to shake his hips and ass.  I can’t hate any of that action tonight.  Apparently neither can the judges.  He rocked 10s across the board.

Score:  30

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Paso Doble to “España Cañi” by Erich Kunsel

Rachel’s What Happened:  Len tells them that they are dancing the Paso Doble.  He tells them that this time around they need to temper the aggression with finesse.  Hopefully, this will get her the ten from Len.  OK, it’s rather unfair that this woman is gorgeous, sweet, funny, can sing like an angel and dance like this.  It’s hard to hate her because she’s so adorable and that dance was on point.  Bruno says that was a Paso Doble full of vivid lustrous artistry.  Her shape extended beautifully.  Technical brilliance.  Carrie Ann said it was like watching a prima ballerina.  Every move was perfectly executed.  Len says it was like a buffet of Spanish tapas.  Lots to satisfy your taste buds.  Fabulous.

Melissa:  Oh, mama likes this Paso… Nice and clean, not too much.  Dig that skirt action, Miss K!  Oh, and Maria came to watch… How supportive.  You know she’s totally wishing it was her.  DAY-UM, another perfect score!!

Score:  30

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Argentine Tango to “They” by Jem

Rachel’s What Happened: Carrie Ann tells Donald that he will be dancing the Argentine Tango.  She says what was lacking in their last tango was content in the choreography so don’t waste time with filler.  Make the moves bigger and bring it.  Holy skimpy dress, Peta!  Um, that was hot hot hot.  I have goose bumps.  Carrie Ann says she loved it the first time and she loved it again.  She loved the crispness to his moves.  Len says he felt there was far more content.  He loved the set-up and the intensity.  It was a tad careful but a vast improvement over the last time.  Bruno says he went for the subtle and intimate.  Small in detail but very strong storytelling.  He could read everything in the story and it was very very effective.

Melissa:  Carrie Ann wants his Tango moves to be bigger… And bigger he’ll go.  Oh, and a lift to start things off.  Man this is an awesome Tango.  She’s fantastic with her choreography if you ask me.  I know you didn’t, but this is what I do… Put my 2 cents in.  Isn’t that kinda why you’re here?

Score:  29 – Oh Len, you’re such a pain in the ass!

Time for the freestyle!

William Levy

William and Cheryl freestyle to “Obsession” by Shakira

Rachel’s What Happened:  Cheryl says this is the most important dance of the season.  It will make it or break it.  Cheryl thought he did such a great dance with his Argentine Tango, so she’s going to go for a sexy dance.  Yeah, she knows what the ladies like.  He’s having a hard time with the lifts, but he knows with great risk comes great reward.  Ok, this wasn’t my favorite dance of his.  I feel like they relied too much on him being sexy.  He’s a better dancer than that.  I’m sure I’m alone on this one though.  Len says what he does he does well.  He liked it.  He liked the rhythm changes, but it was too predictable.  All he did was shake his butt and make the women scream.  (See, Len’s with me!)  Bruno says they were like two devils unleashed upon the earth into a Latin extravaganza.  Carrie Ann does the robot and I have no idea why.  She says that it what a freestyle should be.  Then there is some arguing between her & Len, which Tom isn’t interested in hearing since he just talks right over them.  Ha… Love Tom.

Melissa:  Cheryl is working the lifts with William, and he’s a bit, um… Not so great with it all.  But you know how this works… “Oh, I’m not good.”  Then it’s 10s.  OK, that was really wonderfully executed.  That was hot and that’s what the people want to see.  Oh, Len thinks it was too predictable with his butt shaking.  Um Len, that’s what gets the votes my dear… That’s what this is all about, the votes.  And if Carrie Ann is any indication, the ladies like the shaking of the bon-bon as it were.

Score:  29

Night’s Total:  59

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark freestyle to “Sing, Sing, Sing (With A Swing)” by Benny Goodman

Rachel’s What Happened: This is where Mark excels so I’m super excited to see this dance.  Mark says he thinks she’s the most versatile dancer of the bunch so he wants to show that off.  He’s combining so many dances that she has to really just go with it.  There’s no time to think.  Oh we get to hear her sing too!  Awesome.  This dance is so much fun but I wonder if she’s going to get dinged for the flat shoes because she’s not pointing her toes.  Plus, she just muffed the landing on a lift.  But the choreography was awesome.  Bruno says that was a fast and flamboyant tour de force through all ages of swing.  So much content so fast and so well executed.  You were on the money all the way through.  Carrie Ann says she is such a fabulous performer.  She can do anything.  That was the dance of a champion.  Len says if he was dreaming don’t wake him up.  This was a freestyle.

Melissa:  Mark is going to bring out all the stops with his choreography for the freestyle.  She’s still the cutest little pip of a thing.  Oh really, playing up the singing?  This is some legit piece of work, and I LOVE IT!!  That was craziness hopped up on Red Bull… AWESOME!  Yeah, we all saw that perfect score coming, and well deserved, my kiddies!

Score:  30

Night’s Total:  60

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta freestyle to “I Play Chicken with the Train” by Cowboy Troy

Rachel’s What Happened: Well, the song title alone makes me intrigued, but I want Donald to BRING IT on this one.  I know he’s got it in him to rock this out.  And I am solidly Team Donald at this point.  He may have beaten my Steelers in the Super Bowl, but I’m pulling for him anyhow.  They’re going to dance to a country song to push it out of the box and show the judges that he’s more than hip-hop.  I’m super excited for this.  Seriously, you’d think it was my birthday.  And hey, Cowboy Troy is here! Woohoo!  That was amazing!  Too much fun!  Len I’m coming for you if you don’t give him a 10!  Now, THAT’S how you freestyle.  Carrie Ann is out of her chair.  She says this was by far her favorite finals and this was by far her favorite dance tonight!  Len says, in football, catches win matches. And chances win dances.  He came out, charged the field and he took a chance.  Fantastic!  Bruno can’t resist a ride in the wild wild west.  As rides go, this was a country-inspired triumph!

Melissa:  Oh boy, going with the “country” theme.  Well played, Donald.  Oh sh*t and Peta gets a bloody lip to boot.  OK, I’m all-in with Donald still.  This is le-F’ing-git!  Dare I even offer up a 2 Legit 2 Quit… Those lifts were RE-DIC-U-LOUS!!  If that doesn’t get a perfect score, I’m out.

Score:  30 – About damn time!

Night’s Total:  59

Final Final

Rachel’s What Happened: Here it is kids.  The final show.  Last year, we all pretty much knew JR was going to take home the mirror ball trophy, deservedly so.  This yeah, it’s anyone’s game.  All three are incredibly talented… and it’s seriously the best looking top three ever.  That certainly doesn’t hurt.  Though I’m going to hedge my bets and say it will come down to the two guys.  It’s hot Latin Lover vs Packer Nation.  Both very strong fan bases.  I love Katherine, but I’m not sure the votes will be there.

We start with a pro dance that features the eliminated stars from the season.  You know, you gotta give them one last moment in the spotlight before they, for the most part, slip back into obscurity.  And we get to see Tristan one last time.  Did we really need Maks doing a stripper move with his shirt?  No.  We did not.

Donald & Peta get the encore dance and the high praise of Len saying it was one of the best freestyles of all time.

Melissa:   Yep, I’m still 100% team Donald and can’t wait to see him get his mirrorball.  I think he and Peta are a completely brilliant team.  My only problem with the the finale is that it’s a whole 1:55 of fluff for the 10 seconds to hear who won.  Well, let me just put this out there:  If it’s not Donald, I’ll refuse to watch next season, and there isn’t anything that other Winey Bitch can do about it.  OK, maybe her awesome sangria could convince me…

Sherri is back and gets her moment to shine.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Normally, we know I hate wasting time on this show, but I’m not mad at bringing back Sherri Shepherd to give us a little “It’s Raining Men”.  She’s just a good time always.  However, I’m less thrilled with Jack Wagner.  OMG do we really have to go through the entire season?  We all watched!  We’re clear on what happened.  I don’t need to relive any of the dances.  Certainly not Melissa and Maks.  And I most definitely to not need a freestyle from Roshon & Chelsea.  What I need are my last dances from the final three and some Mirror Ball Trophy presentation.  Blah blah blah… Kelly Clarkson… blah blah blah… more flashbacks.  Grrr…

An hour & 15 minutes in they actually start with the finale.  What a waste of my time.

Melissa:  HA, I loves me some Sherri too, but as much as I love her, I could do without this number, thought I adore the Weather Girls.  Why do we have to bring back the people voted off?  We got rid of them… Why are they back other than for me to see some Tristan again and kill the clock.

William Levy 

William & Cheryl dance the Salsa to “Juventud de Presente” by Tito Puente

Rachel’s What Happened: Cheryl is sad to be dancing her last dance with William because he’s been such an inspiration to her.  Yeah, that’s why you’re sad.  Just admit you’ve enjoyed rubbing up against that body.  We won’t be mad at you.  We’ll all wink & nod in womanly understanding. William has enjoyed his time too.  Yeah, you got yourself a role on a TV show.  And we’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know you, sir.  Happy times for everyone! William’s last dance showcases what he does best, shake those hips.  Oh, he does it so well.  I think I’ll miss that most of all.  Len says if salsa & rhythm were in the Olympics, he’d have a gold medal.  He’s been a fan since Week 1 & he’s gotten more 10s from Len than anyone.  The reason is because he deserved them.  Bruno says when it comes down to hot, sexy salsa, hips don’t lie.  Nobody does it better than William.  Carrie Ann says he’s heated up the ballroom with his passion and his presence.  But what makes him so special is that he has true star quality.

Melissa:  OK, again, I do love William shakin’ what his Mama gave him.  I’m a big girl and have no problem admitting it.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Jive to “Splish Splash” by Bobby Darin

Rachel’s What Happened:  Jiving makes Katherine really happy.  Love that.  Really, she’s too cute.  Hate her.  And by hate, I mean love.  It’s a very confusing situation for me.  So let’s just watch her dance, shall we?  Another fabulous dance by Miss Katherine.  She knows how to pull off cutesy without making it schmaltzy.  She nailed all the moves.  Great way to go out.  Bruno says she’s the girl that has it all.  She truly is one of the most wonderful competitors they’ve ever had.  A truly stunning dancer.  Carrie Ann says it’s true.  She is such a brilliant artist.  She thinks they are the ones that set the bar so high.  Len says she is the complete package.

Melissa:  Aw.  Again, she’s just the cutest little button of a girl.  So sweet.  If William is meant for the Latin dances, this girl is meant for the upbeat Jives.

Score:  30

Total:  90 of 90

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Beggin” by Madcon

Rachel’s What Happened:  Donald is tired during rehearsal and isn’t feeling in top form.  But he knows this dance will make them or break them, so he knows he has to push through.  It’s bittersweet for him because he will miss the memories he’s made in the dance studio.  Ooh Lawd, Donald shirtless.  Yes, please!  It takes a real man to pull off hot pink pants and he does.  He also pulls off the dance in flawless fashion.  He’s got us all “Beggin’”.  Carrie Ann says he’s a fierce competitor.  It’s his intensity.  It’s his passion.  She can see his love for the show and his determination to win.  She thinks he’s the one to beat.  Len says no one is a loser tonight.  They’ve had some great footballers on this show in the past, but he is the best.  (Hey now!)  Bruno says another massive hit by Donald the Magnificent.  He really has had the strategy of champion.  He took the comments and improved week after week.  He peaked at the right time.

Melissa:  I’m still Team Donald tonight. I’ve backed my horse in this race, so come on you two!!  Gotta say, I’m not gonna hate that he’s comfortable with his shirt off.  Then again, any man built like that better be comfortable.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

The First Elimination

The final three couples wait to find out who will be eliminated first.

Rachel’s What Happened: So, Gladys came back and sang for us first while we saw images of the final three from the season on the big screens.  That was lovely.  I can’t be mad at that. And Katherine getting misty is making me misty.  Stop it!  But it’s time to find out who’s going home and who’s going on to the Final Two.  I’m nervous… I really wish they could all win… And I’m so not that girl.  But they all truly deserve it.  Unfortunately, William & Cheryl are the first to leave the ballroom, which is a bit funny considering she is the only that looks confident in the picture above.  Aw, his son is so upset.  Sweet thing.

Melissa:  William and Cheryl get their 3rd place and his poor little boy is crying for Daddy.

The Moment…

It’s down to the Donald & Peta and Katherine & Mark. One of these couples is moments away from the Mirror Ball Trophy.

Rachel’s What Happened: Oh boy… Here we go.  I’m pulling for Donald here.  Again, I think they all deserve it, but I so want him to have it.  He wants it so badly.  And he really brought it every week.  Who knew there was so much smoothness in that massive body.  Then again, Katherine is so flawless… Ah!  This is torture!  Just tell us…

And the winner is… Donald Driver!  And he goes to the floor.  LOL… He’s awesome.  OMG, I’m such a mess… I’m totally crying.  That little crying baby of his is beyond too cute too.  And to see him with his wife is so great.  They rock.  Yay!

Melissa:  YES!!  My boy Donald gets his Mirrorball Trophy for the mantel!!  I knew my bedazzled jersey would be just what he needed.

Donald & Peta hoist the Mirrorball Trophy in celebration of their victory.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Ah, good times.  Good times.  What a great season.  To think that just a few seasons ago, I refused to watch this show and now I’m sitting her blubbering like a fool.  Those producers are going to have a really hard time duplicating this season’s magic next season.  I hope they’ve already started making some phone calls.

Melissa:  Wow, for real that was an amazing season – one I won’t soon forget.  WOW, they seriously need to step it up like crazy for the fall to keep me anywhere near as entertained as I was this season.


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Dancing With The Stars 14 – Week 8 & Results

Posted on May 9, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One-Sentence Summary:  Tonight we have Dance Trios ending in a double elimination, which sounds a lot like ballroom porn to us.

Melissa channels Little Laura Ingalls

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Double elimination with a dance trio… A dance trio?  Are you serious?  OK enough with the ridiculous twists this year.  This isn’t the Bachelor.  We don’t need the most dramatic tango ever.  It’s ballroom dancing for the love of all that is holy.  I swear I’d love to have some of whatever the producers were smoking when they planned out this year’s competition.  Well whatever happens can we please send Melissa home this week?  She bugs the ever living crap out of me.  BTW, anyone see the ads on VH1 for Single Ladies?  Looks like William’s booty shaking moves on the DWTS dance floor have landed him a starring role in VH1′s “Single Ladies”.  That show was so bad last season, but they are smart over there at VH1 because I know I’ll be tuning in at least for one episode.

Melissa:  We’re down to six… With a “dance trio” this week… Whatever that is.  Is it like a ménage but for dancing?  That could be good.  What would make it better is if the audience got to pick who the 3rd partner was!

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Tango to “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder

Rachel’s What Happened:  Donald wants to be pushed because he’s not ready to go home.  However, all the pushing is frustrating him in rehearsals.  He is struggling and it’s hard for him.  He studies other dancers’ Tangos to see proper frames.  We’ll see if it pays off on the dance floor the way it does on the football filed.  It does. He’s doing a great job but I can’t help giggling at how damn serious he looks.  They certainly can’t give him any grief about his frame.  Was spot on.  Len says he’s a first round knockout.  He set the standard high.  Bruno says he thought he was going to have to call a marriage counselor.  Talk about power, disdain and aggression.  He went for it like there was no tomorrow.  Carrie Ann said it was incredible to watch.  His shapes were more dynamic.  She says bring more drama but the guys disagree with her.

Melissa:  OK, again, I love Donald and I hate to see him so frustrated and not his usual fun loving self.  OK, I didn’t care for that frenzied beginning to this where it seemed like they were angry blind bees.  I do love how he finishes each of his dances with that little smile and touch of humor though.  BTW, I don’t think I’ve commented yet that I hate Peta’s body – it’s evil.  Well, evil in the sense that I don’t have it as mine unless I spend 5 hours Photoshopping my head on it.

Score:  27

Maria Menounos

Maria & Derek dance the Viennese Waltz to “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri

Rachel’s What Happened:  Derek says that Maria struggles with the emotion of the dances.  For the second week in a row we see Derek swearing and storming off.  What’s up with the Maks-itude?  She starts crying because she hates whiners.  Uh, you’re being yelled at.  It’s OK.  He says you hurt the ones you love most.  Yeah, well then you must really really love her.  Not liking this side of him.  And the dance is beautiful.  It’s always great.  So he can probably stop swearing at her like they’re at a truck stop.  Bruno says it was heavenly fluidity with seamless transitions.  Combine that with total emotional involvement and it was amazing.  Carrie Ann says sometimes dances speak to you and some sing to you.  This sang to her.  There is a special emotional connection between them that is unique.  Len says this girl in hold is the best but he missed a chance here.  The hold wasn’t quite good enough for him.  He would have liked a little more dancing in hold.  BTW, Derek apologizes for being a jerk this week.  I agree with Brooke, it was great for him to man up and admit that.

Melissa:  Oh, this is a pretty waltz.  I wish I had a little snark up in here, but I just can’t.  I don’t want to like it after their scores last week, but I’m a fan.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still wearing my bedazzled Donald shirt with matching William headband, but I like this dance.

Score:  28

Melissa Gilbert

Melissa & Maks dance the Foxtrot to “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart

Rachel’s What Happened:  Melissa is amazed at how her fan base has kept her in the competition.  Yeah, I’m amazed as well.  That dance last week was horrifyingly bad.  And rehearsals this week aren’t looking promising as Maks has to leave the room because he wants to punch something.  Something being her.  She’s making him look like a terrorist.  Well, that’s slightly dramatic.  She says he’s more than a just a bad guy but he is responsible for his emotions.  She calls it growing pains.  I call it douchebaggery.  Tomato – tomahto.  As usual, Melissa looks behind on the steps when they’re in hold.  She picks it up about halfway through but we’re beyond that point in the competition, no?  Carrie Ann said it was her best dance ever.  Her shoulders were down and she was relaxed.  There were some mess-ups in teh beginning that she has to consider in her score.  Len said potentially it was her best dance but there were one or two incidents where she lost it a little bit.  Bruno it was a much smoother ride.  The presentation was the best she’s done to date.  Maks also makes amends in the sky box for being a jerk.  It won’t happen again.  Who wants to take that bet?

Melissa:  So my husband has just seen Melissa for the first time and is shocked by her… um, appearance.  Oh there’s the Maks we know and love berating his partner and making her feel like shit because they aren’t perfect dancers.  Yeah, I think this is her last week here unless someone full on falls on their ass.  Not that I have anything against half-pint, she’s just not keeping pace with the rest of the pack.

Score:  24

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Viennese Waltz to “Kathleen” by David Gray

Rachel’s What Happened:  Katherine says she has to really step it up because she’s the least known person in the competition.  She has to give a stellar performance to stay in the competition.  I like that she actually doesn’t whine or complain when she can’t do something in rehearsals and pushes through.  Love this girl.  And see guys, Mark doesn’t yell or swear at her and they do just fine without the nastiness.  In fact, it’s a really beautiful dance, with lots of dancing in hold for Len.  Len said this had plenty of content, lots in hold and great character.  The only part he didn’t like was the spin.  Bruno said the technique was superb.  Her placement and frame is superb.  Just had one moment where she lost it coming up.  Carrie Ann says her lines were gorgeous.  She lost her balance and wasn’t on her footing.  Couldn’t hear the rest over the booing.

Melissa:  So pretty.  Really, I can’t ding Mark this week.  I mean I can ding that mint green under-dress and shoe color, but the dance itself is just lovely.  A bobble at the lift at the end, but I liked it.

Score:  26

Roshon Fegan

Chelsea & Roshon dance the Foxtrot to “Sweet Pea” by Amos Lee

Rachel’s What Happened:  Two times in the dance duel in a row so he’s feeling the pressure.  He is having problems keeping his feet straight, which is problem if he wants to stay.  There’s no dance duel tomorrow to save him.  He invites his grandmothers to rehearsal to watch him dance because their smiling faces make him want to work harder.  Gram says he needs to steady his feet.  Love it.  OK, we know I rip on this kid mercilessly, but this a great dance for him.  He can be sweet and flirty and not have to try and “man up” against Donald & William.  I enjoyed this dance.  Bruno says what he did in a week was incredible.  No jerkiness.   His holds were superb.  His lines have never been better.  Was like watching a young Mickey Rooney.  Carrie Ann says he made his grannies proud and he made them proud.  Len said it was free.  Good job.

Rachel:  How many times has he been in the bottom?  Twice… in a row.  Come on now.  Man, he’s going to pull the grandma cards on me??  I love grandma making sure to point out how his feed slide and they need to be in place.  Man, I can’t really ding this dance either.  Maybe it’s the lingering grandma juju, but I’m digging it.  I like him best, I think, with the foxtrot.

Score:  29

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Foxtrot to “Stray Cut Strut” by Stray Cats

Rachel’s What Happened:  William brings Cheryl flowers to rehearsal for her birthday.  Ah, sweet William, you know how to make a girl’s heart go pitter-patter.  He’s having a hard time with all the rules in ballroom dancing.  He’s not really a rules guy.  Notice how everything he says drips with sexuality even if he doesn’t mean it?  Or is that just me?  Looking fine in that tux, Mr. Levy.  I liked the dance.  Was a great Foxtrot.  I don’t know if it was my favorite dance he did, but I’m not mad at it.  He certainly pulled off the dapper gentleman. Carrie Ann, on the other hand, is meowing.  It was a super hot sexy Pink Panther.  His movements were exquisite.  It’s so much fun to watch him dance.  Len says it was a mix of care and flair.  He liked it.  Bruno says he couldn’t be more debonair and suave if he tried.

Melissa:  OK, granted it’s William, and I think he can do no wrong… I liked it!  I mean, truth be told, I love him most in the Latin numbers, but I liked this a lot.  Consider my headband whipped off and swinging around my head for that one.  Oh and a perfect score for the night – you go on with your bad selves kiddies!!

Score:  30

Trio Round

OK, so the stars are dancing with one eliminated pro or member of the dance troupe along with their normal partner for a trio dance.  Hmm…. Not sure how I feel about this.

Donald Driver with Karina Smirnoff

Donald, Peta & Karina dance the Jive to “Rip It Up” by Little Richard

Rachel’s What Happened:  The Jive is not only a hard dance on its own, but with three people, it’s craziness.  Donald is ready to do what it takes.  Do or die, he says.  He’s not ready to see Jimmy Kimmel.  We’re not ready for you to go either Donald, so bring it!  And boy, he done brung it!  That was fantastic.  OK, if this is how the trio is going to go, then I’m all in.  Loved it!  So much fun.  Too much fun!  Len says fun fun fun!  He liked it!  Bruno says he handled the dancing beautifully keeping up with these two firecrackers.  Carrie Ann says he never missed a step.  He kept it the whole way.  She loved his three-way!

Melissa:  That’s right Donald, I don’t want to see you visit Jmmy!!  Damn, that’s some nice footwork and flicks!  Oh yeah, I’m totally digging this. Then the leap over the girls… HELLS YEAH Donald!  You just kicked the Jive in the business end, my dear!

Score:  28 <— Lame

Total:  55 for the night

Maria Menounos with Henry Byalikov

Maria, Derek & Henry dance the Samba to “Mama Do the Hump” by Rizzle Kicks

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oy, Henry is that kid from the troupe that’s always making those annoying faces.  He’s gonna have to step it up for me.  Yes, for me.  They’re doing Bollywood, which is either going to be super cool or a nightmare.  Maria is giving Henry a little extra love in the rehearsals.  See how your bad attitude can backfire Derek?  This was a really fun dance – amazing choreography – but I’m confused as to how it was a Samba.  Bruno said creatively this dance was incredible.  She was the jewel.  But they lost timing a couple of times.  The intricacy of it all was a bit of a whammy.  But as a piece of choreography it was absolutely fabulous.  Carrie Ann says she agrees with Bruno.  It was an incredible number but there were a few slip-ups.  It was a feast for her Asian senses.  Len says if he were judging a Bollywood number it’s a ten but he’s not.  He’s judging a Samba (see!).  There was no connection for him with a Samba.

Melissa:  An Ab off?  While I’m hating on Peta’s body, I’m going to totally hate on Maria’s abs… That is legit woman!  I’ll have to work on my Photoshop skills for that business too.  OK, I’m loving this Bollywood number!  That was some genius choreography.

Score:  25

Total: 53

Melissa Gilbert with Val Chmerkovskiy

Melissa, Maks & Val dance the Samba to “Hard To Handle” by Otis Redding

Rachel’s What Happened:  Melissa says they chose Val because this dance is very important and they have to get good score.  Um, was there really any doubt that they would choose Val?  She says there’s nothing hotter than dancing with the two Chmerkovskiys.  I’m going to have to agree to disagree on that one.  Shall we dance?  I’d say Melissa held her own on this one.  And it was an actual Samba.  Not bad.  Carrie Ann likes the Chmerkovskiy sandwich.  It was her best dance for miles.  Len said this was her best dance.  Tonight three is not a crowd.  Well done.  Bruno says it obviously takes two to get the best out of her.

Melissa:  OF COURSE they chose Val, because he’s the only dancer who will allow Maks to be a jackass.  OK, so I don’t know for sure what it is, but there’s just something that is… Off… Rhythmically speaking with her.  I just don’t get a smoothness with her.

Score:  27

Total:  51

Katherine Jenkins with Tristan McManus

Katherine, Mark & Tristan dance the Cha Cha to “She’s A Lady” by Tom Jones

Rachel’s What Happened:  Yay!  Tristan’s back!  I do love him.  They’re an adorable trio… if there could be such a thing.  Slight wardrobe malfunction with Katherine (and no, not a nip slip), but it doesn’t trip her up, which was great.  Very fun dance.  Len says she had the little wardrobe thing but she kicked it off and kept going.  It was fun.  Well done.  Bruno says that was sexy & cool.  It was modern but she still captured that Hitchcock blonde coolness.  It was absolutely wonderful.  Carrie Ann says she brought the fire.  She came out like she owned the dance floor.  Having the pant thing happen and not missing a beat is incredible.

Melissa:  Oh man, I’m going to love this!  Mark and Tristan… How much fun is that?!  So had a moment of panic until that pant leg came off.  I thought for sure she was going down with that stuck on her foot.  That was fun.  I wish I had more Tristan time, but I’ll take it.

Score:  29

Total:  55

Roshon Fegan with Sasha Farber

Roshon, Chelsea & Sasha dance the Paso Doble to “Turn Me On” by David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj

Rachel’s What Happened:  Interesting.  The first team to pick a dancer of the same sex as the star.  They’re doing another masculine dance which isn’t Roshon’s strength but maybe having a guy teach him will make a difference.  Looks like it did.  That was fierce.  Bruno said it was a beautiful Spanish line.  He lost synch with Sasha a couple times but there were times where he couldn’t tell them apart, which is a good thing.  Carrie Ann is conflicted because it was a great routine but he went off a few times.  Len says they were two skinny fries chasing the ketchup.  Beautiful lines and tight buttocks (really?).  Great job.  Well done.

Melissa:  Yeah Roshon, you need to be a little more masculine.  Gotta say, there’s a pretty good chance I’m more masculine than Roshon.  Um, is it just me or should there be another person dancing with them?  Oh, finally, there he is.  So that was the idea, keep the other dancer away so you don’t notice if they’re off.

Score:  27

Total:  56

William Levy with Tony Dovolani

William, Cheryl & Tony dance the Paso Doble to “Diablo Rojo” by Rodrigo y Gabriela

Rachel’s What Happened:  Cheryl chose Tony because she wants William to hold his own next to a pro.  They like that there is an extra challenge having another male dancer.  William has to be as good as Tony.  Though William says maybe it’d be better if Tony screwed up when William screwed up.  Ha… I have a feeling it’s going to be fab.  And fab it was.  William certainly held his own with Tony, whom I think is a great dancer.  Carrie Ann says the lines were incredible.  They matched perfectly, but did go out of sync once.  But it was pretty insanely fun to watch.  Len salutes them and thinks they did a brilliant job.  He liked the way it came together.  They did it really really well.  Bruno says it was two raging bulls.  He couldn’t ask for more.   They used Cheryl like a cape beautifully, but they did lose sync.

Melissa:  Oh that was awesome!  I loved this, and I loved Tony with William.  I might need to hook up a Tony wristband after this number.

Score:  27

Total:  57

Bottom Line Part 1:  

Rachel:  OK, I was wrong.  The trio round was really fun.  I’ll let them keep it next season.  I really can’t predict whose going home tomorrow.  I want to say Melissa but I’ve been wrong every week on that.  Maybe Roshon, because apparently he’s not getting the home vote.  But it’s been so crazy this season, it could be anyone.  Well, anyone except William.  Let’s be honest.

Melissa:  This was a fun week.  Color me a fan of the dance off and the ménage dancing!!  I love that they are trying to go big or go home with each additional season.  They have been trying to keep the audience entertained and tuning in.  I’m in babies… I’m in!  Wait, did I also hear there was a DanceCenter tomorrow??

The Results Show

Rachel’s What Happened:  We’re back after having recovered from the fun that was the Trio dances.  Yes, I was poo-pooing them, but I’m woman enough to admit when I’m wrong.  Well woman enough after a few glasses of wine.  But it’s a double elimination tonight, which means two couples are going home.  That’s correct.  Double means two.  That college education my parents paid for is really paying off!

We start tonight with some positivity – the encore dance – which is a no brainer.  Donald, Peta & Karina entertain us again with their Jive.

But the good times are short-lived as we find out one of the couples up for elimination.  The first two to get their results are Katherine & Mark and Donald & Peta.  Neither of these two couples should be up for elimination, quite frankly, but Katherine is in jeopardy tonight.  Shocking.  Donald is safe.  Not shocking.

Jerry Rice, Kenny Mayne & Len Goodman are back for another episode of DanceCenter

Time for some performances.  I’m giddy and disgusted all at the same time.  I’m giddy because DanceCenter is back.  Yay!  This is the funniest bit they do all year.  Love it!  And I love that Jerry is wearing green eyeshadow and the rainbow stars on Kenny’s face are cracking me up.  But I’m also disgusted.  Seems Chris Brown is back too.  WTF?  Really?  This kid just keeps falling up doesn’t he?  Maybe I can make Two Winey Bitches famous if I throw a chair through a TV station window & beat the shit out of someone.  Sadly, I’m watching in real time and can’t fast forward in protest.  So let’s just move on, shall we?

Roshon & Chelsea and William & Cheryl wait to find out which one of them is going home tonight.

It’s time for one of the two couples leaving tonight to get the bad news.  Up for elimination are Roshon & Chelsea and William & Cheryl.  Is there really any chance that it’s William going home?  No.  And the votes are in, Roshon and Chelsea are going home.  He rocked it last night but the votes just haven’t been there for him.  And just when he was starting to grow on me.  Oh well, was his time.

Dick Clark Tribute

Dancing With The Stars and Macy’s Stars on Ice pay tribute to Dick Clark and American Bandstand. They even have original Bandstand dancers in the audience.  Pretty awesome.  Glad to see them acknowledge a legend.

Time to find out who is up for elimination against Katherine & Mark – Maria & Derek or Melissa & Maks.  Not surprisingly, Maria & Derek are safe.  That puts Melissa & Maks in jeopardy.

One of these couples is leaving tonight.

There is no way Katherine is going before Melissa.  Not unless you want riots in the street.  Ok, not unless you want some pissed off TV viewers yelling at their TVs.  And calm will remain in homes across America as Melissa is sent home and Katherine is safe.  Oh snap, it’s Melissa’s birthday too.  Well, if you can send Gladys home during Motown Week, Melissa can get sent home on her birthday.  Seems only fair.

Bottom Line II:

Rachel:  Well, it was only a matter of time for both Roshon & Melissa.  Now, the competition is serious.   The last four dancers are all strong competitors.  It’s going to be hard to see any of them go, but I’m pretty firmly Team Donald at this point.  Or Team William…. Though being Team Katherine wouldn’t be bad either…  Well, I have 6 days to figure that out.

Melissa:  OK, so I had to beg off last night due to a horrible headache that progressed at warp speed.  I woke up and Googled the results (Yes, that is my dedication folks) and I gotta say… I told you it was coming.  Half-Pint’s fan base just couldn’t help keep her there forever.  And well, truth be told, I don’t even know who Roshon’s fan base is, so no big shock there that they were outdone.  I’m kinda cool with the remaining couples so I think we’re in for an awesome showcase showdown (Yeah, I did just pull a Price Is Right) for the mirror ball trophy!

Photos:  abc.go.com

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Dancing With The Stars 14 – Week 7 & Results

Posted on May 2, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s Classical Week, which means we all get to pretend we’re sophisticated for an evening.

Classical night… Music from my generation.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  I don’t remember there being so many theme weeks last season.  I’m not necessarily opposed to them, but I’m wondering what’s with all the new twists & turns off the dance floor this time around; dance duels, dance marathons, theme weeks.  I guess it’s not just the stars they have to keep on their toes.  It’s the audience too.  Well, I do like classical music so I’m looking forward to some pretty dances tonight… though it does not bode well for us getting any ab shots tonight.  Hey, the dances are sophisticated tonight.  Didn’t say I was.

Melissa:  It’s classical night and we have musicians galore… Dare I even say more than you could shake a stick at.

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Rumba to “Canon in D Major” by Johann Pachelbel

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, if anyone should rock Classical Week, it’s Katherine, though that’s what I said about Gladys and Motown Week last week.  she says she’s in her comfort zone but doesn’t think that makes it easy since they have the Rumba which is a sexy dance and they have to keep it classy.  Of course Mark says you can’t spell classical without “ass”.  Well, there you have it.  And so much for the no ab rule, Mark is clad in nothing more than pants & a cape.  Not the abs I was hoping to see, but it’s a good sign of things to come.  I think they managed to create a really pretty dance to music that doesn’t really go with the style of dance.  Katherine was really elegant.  And I’m thinking I must not have ever seen Mark sans shirt because I’d have remembered those tats.  I dig.  And I dig the dance.  Len said it was a classic number.  It could have gotten raunchy but you kept it elegant.  Bruno says Katherine is the embodiment of the power of beauty, toying with her subjects.  She should be at the Getty Villa.  He would have liked it raunchier.  Carrie Ann said she’s unmatched technically in this competition, but tonight her passion wasn’t genuine.  She could have generated more chemistry.  Len disagrees and so do I.

Melissa:  Katherine is in her comfort zone – naturally.  I’m so looking forward to this Rumba because I loves me some Mark.  I’m not however in love with that bizarre hair thing she has going on.  Damn, Mark that’s a nice tat you got going on back there, never noticed it.  That was a pretty dance.  I’m not grooving on the whole set to Classical, but I’ll go with it.  Poor Bruno didn’t get his juices going with it, but he’ll let it go.

Score:  27

Melissa Gilbert

Melissa & Maks dance the Argentine Tango to “Marriage of Figaro” by Wolfgang Mozart

Rachel’s What Happened:  Seems Maks has a cyst in his ankle, which is causing him great pain.  The doctor says they can try and alleviate some of it with extra support.  Maks is worried about being a liability so he brings in Val as his back-up plan should he not be able to dance.  Melissa is scared to have both Chmerkovskiy brothers in the same room with her.  Maks says not to worry, Val’s much nicer.  Ain’t that the truth.  Maks manages to dance, but I’m not loving this at all.  Melissa doesn’t really pull of elegant and some of those lifts, in that outfit she’s got on, came across somewhat vulgar.  Bruno said it was extremely brave to navigate the tempo changes of Mozart but at times it looked like she was riding the side car at Coney Island.  It got messy.  Carrie Ann says it was Cirque du Soleil gone terribly wrong.  Lifts are ambitious and it’s quality vs quantity.  They went for quantity and really sacrificed quality.  Len said she pulled off the crescendos with the lifts but there was so much intensity that it lost a lot of the quality.   Up in the skybox Melissa is unhappy with the comments and lets us know that she did that dance in front of the man that operated on her spine.  Yeah, it’s awesome that you can do it.  But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  The dance was junk.

Melissa:  OK, really, is this the season of injuries?  Maks is considering pulling out of the dance with Val as his second, like Danny for Kenickie in Grease.  Who will it be??  Oh, Maks makes the triumphant comeback.  OK, really Melissa, how is it you agreed to being in a leotard with a filmy piece of nothing covering you up??  Oh man, you can just see Maks getting all sorts of angry with the comments.  Let’s see if he can hold his tongue… Hold it he does – shocking.

Score – 21

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Viennese Waltz to “Ave Maria” by Franz Schubert (performed by Jackie Evancho)

Rachel’s What Happened:  This week William wants to prove he’s more than a pretty face.  That’s correct.  You’re also hot abs and a bangin’ booty.  Cheryl is going to give him more content this week and it’s wreaking havoc on his ankle.  They are dancing to Jackie Evancho singing Ave Maria and I’m still blown away that that voice comes out of that child.  Amazing.  And so was the dance.   OK, maybe “amazing” is overstating it, but they definitely upped the content and executed it beautifully.  Not to mention that William looks quite dashing in that suit.  Carrie Ann says that was true content and true dancing.  He finds the story in the music and it’s always a story of romance which is what ballroom is all about.  He brings the romance to life.  (Can I get an Amen!)  Len says there are three Viennese Waltzes tonight and his transported him to Austria, though not quite to Vienna.  He’s up and down like a fiddler’s elbow and tonight he was up.  Bruno says he captured the beauty and ethereal quality of the song.  He brought a vulnerability to the dance.  He followed the melodic line in a way only a professional dancer can do.  That was so touching.

Melissa:  Again, another injury.  HOLY CRAP who is this little pip with the amazing voice??  I’m also going on record – again, I’m sure – I loves me a man in a suit. Really, there’s something ridiculously sexy about a man in a well-cut jacket and tie.  The judges like the performance, as did I.

Score – 27

Roshon Fegan

Roshon & Chelsea dance the Argentine Tango to “Bad Romance (Instrumental)” by Lady Gaga

Rachel’s What Happened:  Roshon is bummed because he’s giving it his all, but it’s just not connecting for some reason.  Chelsea can only teach him so much about manning up for the Argentine Tango so he pays a visit to Val.  Val says it’s all about how you caress the woman and hold your body – be a little bit arrogant and confrontational.  Let’s see if he can pull this off.  Man, they love to screw with Lady Gaga on this show.  This is a bizarre version of this song and that’s the nicest thing I can say about it.  Uh, what was with the camera shot of the logo in the middle of the dance?  I’m assuming Miss Chelsea had a wardrobe malfunction.  He did a good job with the dance, but it really is hard to buy him as a leading man.  Len said he liked the transitions into the lifts.  They were seamless.  He would have liked to see more tension in the feet, which would have made his legs look stronger & less awkward.  OVerall it was clean and confident.  Bruno said it was very very clean most of the time. He has to work on the strength in his legs.  He has to be able to hold positions.  But he liked it overall.  Carrie Ann gives him a hug and says that was the gravitas and confidence she was looking for.

Melissa:  I’m not really grooving on this tango, but we’ll just let that slide since Chelsie can do a fair bit of the leg work for him.  What the… Clearly someone cut to 2 when they should have cut to 3.  Seems the judges were more impressed than I was.

Score – 25

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Viennese Waltz to “La Donna è Mobile” by Giuseppe Verdi (performed by Vittorio Grigolo)

Rachel’s What Happened:  Another challenge from Len to up the ante so Peta’s going to push him this week.  That’s good for Donald since he thrives on competition.  That’s probably a good thing being that he’s a football player in real life.  He’s ready to give more.  Well, I’m smiling during this dance, which doesn’t happen much with such serious dances, but Donald makes me happy.  I think he’s rocking the Waltz, if that’s actually possible.  Bruno says he has the sweeping drive and passion of the Verdi music.  He loved it.  Carrie Ann says she missed the lift but she loves the intensity of his dancing.  His determination makes his moves so strong.  She loved the regalness (word?) of this dance.  Len thought he was going to see a dancing Fererro Rocher when he saw the coat.  He though it was terrific.  His footwork was spot-on and overall it was a great job.

Melissa:  Oh man, I loved that waltz!  I adore Donald and how much fun he has every week.  Peta is a choreographic force to be reckoned with.

Score – 27

Maria Menounos

Maria & Derek dance the Paso Doble to “Montagues and Capulets” by Sergei Prokofiev

Rachel’s What Happened:   Tonight, Derek is thinking tragic love story as the theme.  Maria says that’s a lot like their relationship.  He loves her but sometimes he wants to kill her.  Mhmm, I’m telling you there’s a little something something with these two going on… though my grandmother says she heard he’s gay.  Yes, my grandmother is spreading DWTS gossip.  Kinda have to love that.  Derek is riding her like Seabiscuit and wishing she could be feminine & more attractive.  Hey, way to douche out Derek.  Not digging this side of him.  Neither is Maria as it reduces her to tears.  He says he just wants the best out of her because she is a great dance.  Let’s see if it works… And it does.  That was a pretty spectacular dance.  Loved it.  Fun campy vampires with great dancing.  Carrie Ann says that didn’t suck.  She was so on fire.  Katherine had better watch her back because she’s coming at her.  Len says it was sharp as a razor, crisp as a Pringle with more tension than his grandmother’s knickers elastic.  He loved it.  Bruno says the Queen of the Damned is the Queen of the Night.  The structure and storytelling was spellbinding.

Melissa:  Oooh a Paso!!  Did she just hiss at him?  I’m confused, is she a witch or vampire?  I don’t know if I get this.  It’s a little on the strange side with her fangs and what not.  The dance was solid.  I just didn’t get the vampire storyline.  OK, so as crazy as I thought it was, it got them the first perfect score of the season – bravo kids.

Score – 30 – First perfect score of the season.  Meanwhile, I do love that everyone else was jumping up and down for them as well.

Jaleel White

Jaleel & Kym dance the Viennese Waltz to “Did I Make the Most of Loving You?” by Mary-Jess Leaverland

Rachel’s What Happened:  Kym rewards Jaleel for a great dance last week with a gift; a stuffed koala bear that says Australian saying when you squeeze it.  Alrighty then.  Shall we rehearse?  They are doing the same dance as Donald & William so they really have to bring it.  During rehearsal, Jaleel gets a handful of Kym’s goods and says it happened only because he’s so busy concentrating on his frame.  Yeah yeah, nice one, Jaleel.  That’ll get you slapped on any other show. I hate the song they’re dancing to, but the dance itself if really pretty.  Len says he liked it enough not to be cruel, but not enough to be kind.  He said there was no footwork in it.  As a number, he liked it, but he has to look at the details.  It didn’t quite work for him.  Bruno says content-wise he tried everything, but it’s not executed as well as it could be at all time.  He  has to watch his arms.  As a story, it was very nice.  Carrie Ann says not to lose his confidence because he’s definitely back in the game.  Sometimes he’s so engulfed in the dance that his hands get cringy but the storytelling was there.

Melissa:  Yeah Jaleel, way to hit second base during practice… Quick thinking blaming “frame”.  That was rather pretty.  I think not enough to hook them up with a high score, but still nice.

Score – 24

Team Dances

Time for the team dances.  Extra points are awarded for the dances.  In the past, the losing team also ends up being the team where someone is sent home.  So, they really want to win this.

Team Tango

Team Tango (Maria & Derek, Katherine & Mark, Jaleel & Kym and Roshon & Chelsea) dance to “Toccata from Symphony No. 5″ by Claudio Monteverdi

Rachel’s What’s Happened:  Team Tango says this dance is all about choreography.  The team with the best choreography is going to win.  I’m digging the team tango.  Let’s see what the judges say… Len said that Maria and Roshon were the stand-out couples.  Jaleel was a bit loose in parts.  Was a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly.  Good as a group.  Technically it was bad.  Some of the lines were ugly.  Bruno thought the choreography was outstanding at the beginning and the end.  Roshon killed it.  Katherine the Argentinian influence was all there.  Overall it was excellent.  Carrie Ann says it was incredible.  She thought Jaleel was nailing it.

Melissa:  Now that is a fun Tango. I don’t care for the outfits, but still very cool.  That kick was petty legit if you ask me.  Mark and Katherine were my favorites, well and Maria and Derek too.  I don’t get the push ups at the end, but whatever.

Score – 27

Team Paso

Team Paso Doble (William & Cheryl, Melissa & Maks and Donald & Peta) dance to “O Fortuna” by Carl Orff (performed by Vittorio Grigolo)

 

Rachel’s What Happened: Maks thinks it’s an advantage to have less people because it gets less messy.  He also thinks it’s a good idea to rip their shirts off during the dance.  William is not thrilled.  He doesn’t want them to look like they’re showing off.  Take off the shirt, William.  Be a team player.  Their dance was pretty awesome, but I liked Team Tango just slightly more.  Bruno says more power than the Avengers.  The boys dominated this.  They lost some synch but they are superheros.  Carrie Ann says that was ridiculous to watch.  That will go down as a fan favorite.  A little out of synch but it was fun.  Len says the guys undressed to impress.  It was fire and spice.  Great job.

Melissa:  OK, so Team Paso already gets extra points for putting Donald and William in little vests… Smart move Paso folks.  Carmina Burana??  Yeah, that’s it.  I’m all in for Team Paso!!  Sorry Tango folks, better music and better wardrobe.  I’m not feeling Melissa and Maks for their portion.  Man, Donald and Peta nailed their piece.  I think Paso will take it.  Plus, I can’t hate on Donald and William topless.

Score – 26

Team Tango takes it by a point.

Results Show

Rachel’s What Happened:   We start the results show with the encore dance.  Obviously the couple with the perfect score will be dancing again and we are treated to a repeat of the Paso Doble by Derek & Maria.

Now, before we move on.  We all know I love to poke fun at Brooke.  So I’d like to take a moment to say that she actually looks really pretty tonight.

OK, moving on to the first round of results.  The first three couples on the block are William & Cheryl, Donald & Peta and Katherine & Mark.  All three are safe, as they should be.

Next, we meet Richard “Steelo” Vasquez, a hip-hop dancer who has worked on many films and on stage with famous artists like Gwen Stefani.  On June 19th of last year, he was rushed to the hospital with a brain aneurism.  He came close to dying and spent 9 weeks in the ICU.  He was severely impared – he had to relearn how to walk and write – but he knew he wanted to dance again.  Tonight, he is performing for the first time in public since his illness.  What an inspiration.  How great to see someone beat the odds like he is doing.  The audience clearly agrees and starts chanting Steelo.  Awesome.

Gavin DeGraw is back singing “Sweeter”

We also get treated to Gavin DeGraw back in the ballroom singing “Sweeter” from his new album.  I love and miss Gavin, but he’s a much better singer than dancer.

Now we have a Dance Championship to sit through.  Killing me here.  The pros are coaching junior teams to win the Ballroom Battle.  No clue what that means.  Seems Round One happened without us and now Cheryl, Tony & Louie’s teams are going to dance tonight for the title.  After they all dance, the judges are going to decide live who the winner is.  They can’t make up their mind and Tom urges them to get moving.  Len makes some excuses which Tom responds to with, “Life’s a bitch.”  Best part of the whole segment.  Anywho, Louie’s team comes in 3rd place.  Second place goes to Tony’s team making Cheryl’s team the big winner.  Woo…

Finally, the rest of the results.  The bottom two will be among the final four couples left.  Being that Maria & Derek are part of the final four, I’m going to venture a guess that they’re safe.  And I’m right.   So, only Jaleel, Melissa or Roshon are going to be safe.  I’m shocked to say it’s Melissa & Maks that are safe.  Seriously?  Seriously?  Who’s voting out there?  Their dance blew.

Jaleel & Kym and Roshon & Chelsea dance the Rumba to “Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele

That leaves Jaleel and Roshon in the dance duel.  I’m pissed.  Jaleel says Len is the old guy outside of the grocery store that won’t give a kid money for candy.  Ha, that’s hilarious.  But I’m still mad he’s in the Dance Duel again.

Carie Ann – Side by side, you guys are pretty much equal.  You started strong but teh connection got lost.  Roshon had extremely good chemistry.

Len – The duel is cruel because they both gave it their all.

Bruno – Roshon was much stronger & smoother.  connection was spot on.  Jaleel very strong and you corrected your arms.  So much better.  It’s a matter of taste at this point.

Carrie Ann votes for Roshon & Chelsea.  Len votes for Roshon & Chelsea.  And though that means Jaleel is going regardless, we hear Bruno’s vote which was for Roshon & Chelsea as well.

I’m not happy at all.  Melissa should be going home.  Jaleel handles it with class and says that he really only thought he’d last 3 dances.  He wanted to give his mom three good dances.  He’s made incredible friends and the fans have been incredible.  

Melissa:  OK, I’m thinking it’s Melissa and Maks going home this week.  Half-pint’s support crew can only take her but so far.  I can’t wait for the dance off though. How sad is it that I look forward to watching two couples battle it out for that safety vote?  DANCE FOR ME PEOPLE… MWAHAHAHAAAA!!  Let’s just call it the Master P Clause.  Come on folks, you remember how awful he was, but the call in votes kept him there forever much to Len’s annoyance.

Well smack me on the ass, Melissa and Maks made it.  Poor Jaleel & Kym and Roshon & Chelsie are in the spotlight to try to save themselves from elimination.  I think it’s going to be Roshon.  I mean really, who wants to send Urkel home?  Especially since he’s not afraid to bring the 6 pack to the party.

WOW, they sent Urkel home!!  I’m not a fan of that decision… NOT AT ALL judges.  If you could see me know, you’d see that I have a disapproving crooked eyebrow aimed right at the three of you.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:   Plan to amends to me next week, judges, and maybe you’ll be back in my good graces.

Rachel: OK, I’m voting for everyone but Melissa next week.  I know I say this every year.  But I mean it this time.  Kinda.

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